predictably enough this was the first one i did

One time in grade school, I was sitting around minding my own business, when some other kid walked up to me. I don’t remember anything about this kid– name, gender, anything. I only remember what happened next.

The kid said, “I won a pig.”

I didn’t have any context for this. I didn’t know this kid, and our school was in the city. It’s not like there were any contests going around where the prize was a pig. Not that I knew of, anyway. And if there were, why would it be any of my business? My mind didn’t really know what to do with this information.

So my mind did what it always does when it can’t think of anything else to do. It made a really pitifully horrible pun.

I said, “I TWO a pig.”

And the other kid went along with this, and said, “I three a pig.”

And we kept going, four a pig, five a pig, and so on–

–all the way until the other kid says “I seven a pig,” and I answer, “I eight a pig.”

And then I realize this was all a setup– one of those elaborate grade school jokes where you try to get someone to say something rude or embarrassing like “liquor and rubber buns” or “ICUP.” Yeah, very funny. I ate a pig.

And it wasn’t till years later that I realized how much of a leap of faith this kid took. They walked up to me with NO context and said “I won a pig,” just TRUSTING that I would carry the joke all the way to its natural conclusion.

Did they somehow know my pun-obsessed mind well enough to predict that I would make that specific pun on “won” and “one”? Even though I didn’t have any idea who they were?

Or did they actually forget that you’re supposed to explain the rules of the joke first (“okay, you repeat what I said, but with the next number!”) and did they just happen to get incredibly lucky?

Or maybe they actually freaking won a pig, and were just trying to tell me about it,  and
when I made a pun they just decided to run with it, and it was sheer coincidence that it just accidentally turned into a joke.

I want to find this kid, someday, and ask what the crap was going on. Too bad I have no idea who they were.

anonymous asked:

I love your au! I was wondering how did Yuuri Viktor and Yuri find out that the twins had different fathers? Was it before or after they were born?

Thanks so much! :’D

and AHAHAHAHA well am hoping to maybe do a 4-koma on that, but when the twins were born, at first everyone thought they were identical, because they look REALLY similar, so everyone assumed the same father (and most people, including Yurio, assumed Victor first). BUT, the more their personalities started to show, which was pretty darn early, everyone was like…I know how improbable this is but that kid DEFINITELY seems like Victor’s and the other one DEFINITELY Yurio’s.

Yuuri was wary at first about agreeing to a DNA test because he didn’t want any jealousy but his mates convinced him it’s fine they’re not gonna love the kids any less, so they did it and sure enough YUP, the twins are fraternal with the different fathers everyone predicted…

superfluous-stuckupitude-deacti  asked:

Hello! Can I request a songfic with the song Angel of Mine by Monica (you can tell I'm a fan of her lol)?

Considering how much of an artist she is I won’t complain :P And as you can see you certainly can! I hope you like it ;) And btw, I absolutely adored the music video of this song…

PS: For the ones that may want to take a look before reading


I look at you, looking at me

Regina closed the door behind her, the sound of laughter and drunken songs being muffled almost instantly by the time she walked a few steps, the bittersweet feeling of loneliness already climbing through her chest, to her throat, to her eyes which she closed and opened as she heard the door behind her once again, another figure stepping outside, leaving behind the almost party that had been made after a certain wedding had been called off.

“I think you are forgetting something.” Said a voice behind her and Regina turned, her mind reeling as she stared at Emma, everything feeling far too similar to a memory, far too like a copy in charcoal, a starting to fade photograph of something already lived.

Emma’s hair was haloed by the light that still came from inside of Granny’s, her pale face flushed pink and her eyes impossibly green as she stared back, bottom lip trapped beneath white teeth, making her look younger, innocent. Even if the look on those eyes weren’t innocent at all. Eager perhaps, shy definetely, like the kind of woman that had muttered a trembling “Hi” and the one who had invited her to a party that were about heroes that still didn’t trust her and said so, with a smile and soft eyes even when everything had been tight, convoluted, complicated and almost always on the brick of breaking.

Regina’s breath hitched and so she looked downwards, staring at the now empty space on Emma’s fingers, on how the blonde’s hands were half-extended, as if expecting something, as if about to ask for something Regina was sure she would return. Even if she really didn’t have anything to give back.  Nothing else, nothing more.

Realizations had already been done, she thought as she stared and looked. Looked the way Emma kept looking back at her, waiting in a similar pose, burning questions in her eyes, in the way Regina could count the many times Emma stared down to Regina’s own hands that crackled and glowed as Regina counted every heartbeat, every time she breathed in as she waited, as she hoped for something else than just the predicted answer, the one she already knew by heart.

“What would I be forgetting?” She asked and so she waited, voice breaking as she stared and stared. Stared at the way Emma’s skin blushed, red dusting her cheeks, stared at her hair, how it folded around her ears, eyelashes long enough to cast shadows as the woman blinked. A softness that had been there ever since the first week, even when they hadn’t trust each other, not like they did now. A softness that was there alongside with a strength she had seen being destroyed, chipped away little by little with demeaning words and harsh stares and just a too long list of things the woman in front of her was supposed to be and do. She stared at the curve of her hips, at the way she stood, reminiscence of what Regina had one seen her being and so she felt her throat burn. “What I’m forgetting?”

To be honest, she saw it happen before it actually did, moving, unfolding in front of her like a piece of silk dipped in water. She saw it in the same way she felt her magic dance over her skin before she closed her eyes and just let herself feel. However, before it happened, she saw how Emma swallowed down her own nerves, an answer to a question she had never truly pose but wanted anyways. She saw how Emma took a step towards her, a very similar way of what had happened the first time, all those years ago, back when she had first wanted to pull and push, to yield and cry beneath Emma’s hands. But she hadn’t. She saw the way Emma grabbed her wrist even before she felt those long warm fingers on her skin and she saw the words they had never truly said but had known for a very long time being written in the air with purple and dirty white.

Because, Regina thought as she closed her eyes, lips parting, her own hands raising, touching, grabbing, they had already talked about this on the silences they had shared and the stares they had done, on the way they cared for each other, on the many times they had fought for each other and found each other. On how they had kept trusting each other even while screaming at the other, longing tainting what they could have but hadn’t. They had already talked so many times about this she felt her throat sore as she inhaled just a second too late, with Emma’s lips already on hers, the taste of cinnamon and probably bear making her smile because who else but Emma would taste like this? Who else but her?

So, they didn’t talk after they moved backwards, each other with their hands tangled on each other’s clothes, both trembling, both staring, looking, gazing.

“I’m sorry.” They whispered into each other’s mouths as they kissed again. Silent, real, there. Theirs.

“I know.” They answered as fingers found fingers, as they intertwined them, as they stared a second longer, just a second longer.

Just them.

Nothing means more to me then what we share

No one in this whole world can ever compare

fic: stop me if you’ve heard this one (2,500 words, mchanzo, NSFW)

wowee, i wrote an overwatch fic! i did this for @queen-schadenfreude, who is like, one of my favorite people ever. she was also kind enough to illustrate the first chapter of this (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - i link to the art on ao3, but HERE IT IS AGAIN, because it’s seriously the best part of any of this.

anyway, the fic itself is… um, well, q was like “i want to read mchanzo being casual friends with benefits except then they catch feelings,” and i started writing it and i’m still writing it, and it’s still not over yet. i went ahead and predicted three chapters, but y’all, it’s anyone’s guess. here’s the first bit, anyway! most of the sex is alluded to in this chapter but it’ll tip over into being explicit by the next, so i just slapped it under that header. cheers!

tagged: friends with benefits, friends to lovers, jesse mccree: tender-hearted hero will be the death of me

“Mmm. And, here, here is the best part of this, Jesse,” Hanzo slurs, afterwards, about oh-two-hundred by Jesse’s estimation. He’s standing around nude in the en suite, and Hanzo looks downright decadent lounging in the wrecked sheets back on the bed, all dark eyes, dark hair that cuts down over one shoulder like spilled ink. His long fingers shift on the flask propped up next to him, and Jesse swears some part of his tattoo ripples with the movement, too eye-catching to have come from the dim ceiling light. Maybe he’s still a little tipsy, but he can’t pretend he’s never seen Hanzo in action before, either.

Admittedly, the thought of magic makes him instinctively itchy - how’re you meant to fight something like that, how do you prepare? - but the idea of going to bed with someone who could destroy him by wishing does something to his spent cock that he doesn’t feel like acknowledging.

(read on ao3!)

Thoughts on the top 6

So i’m procrastinating from going to the gym so here’s my thoughts on the top six from RPDR Season 8, this is going to be a long one so congrats if you read to the end… 

Bob The Drag Queen: Tbh I never really enjoyed Bob from the beginning, I can never stand a comedian that calls themselves “hilarious” constantly, especially one as average as Bob. She had her moments that made me giggle but all in all there’s been way funnier queens that have more under their belt than being “funny”. I Thought her RuCo’s Empire was completely self centred and milked every line to the point where I didn’t find it funny (every comedian knows that there is such a thing as taking a joke too far) and her runway look was cheap and it showed. The same went for her snatch game, in my opinion her switching characters was her: a) Wanting to show off that she could do more than one impression, which I’m sure many other queens could do, and b) Not having enough material to do one character the whole way through. Also she didnt do Uzo Aduba, she did crazy eyes which is a fictional character WHICH ISNT ALLOWED ASK MAX. I did think her outfit was the best due to originality but that was due to #KimoNoSheBetterDontGate. People have been saying she’s the next Bianca but i have seen no heart or humility from her. Michelle is picking up the show boating so I’m hoping Bob gets called out more in future. Prediction: Runner Up.

Chi Chi Devayne: Based on the meet the queens interview I thought Chi Chi was going to go home first (I did also think Naysha was going to win though so lol) she just seemed very fed up with the whole thing. When she first entered the work room in her trashion (Trash Fashion) I again thought that she was going home. However this opinion was changed after Bitch Perfect which she rightfully won hands down, even her snatch game was funny. But slowly we’re being revealed the apathetic side of Chi-Chi that I saw in her meet the queens. Her attitude of “I can’t afford to be Glamorous” is pretty unacceptable, especially considering she made her entire Madonna outfit from scratch. Once she feels challenged she doesn’t try at all which is a killer on Drag Race. Also wearing the same boots THREE TIMES (Bitch Perfect, New Wave Queens x2) THAT IS DIABOLICAL. Prediction: 6th Place

Derrick Barry: Oh Derrick, from the bottom of my broken heart I wanted you to win at least once. Everyone had the same problem with Derrick “You’ve got to be more than Britney” which she’s been trying to do, she’s only gone for a Britney look twice, one of which was when she impersonated her in snatch game but it’s still not been working out for her. I think this is due to the fact that in drag she’s always been impersonating Britney so we’re basically watch her create Derrick Barry’s drag personality throughout the course of the show. The last episode her lip sync was killer and that end speech (”May I please leave the stage now?”) felt very real and heartfelt and I think thats given her a kick that will keep her in the competition… for another episode…. Prediction: 5th Place

Kim Chi: Winning the first challenge always puts you in a good position… being the bottom three the very next week does not. Kim Chi is very aesthetically pleasing and is very sweet… that’s about it tbh. She’s a good soul but I really dont see much else in her, and from what I’ve seen of her lip syncs online I can’t imagine seeing a show of hers. Sorry Kim, as much as I want to like you I think you’ve been overhyped by fans :’( Prediction: Runner Up

Naomi Smalls: Following on from nothing but aesthetics we have Naomi who has had the same outfit 6 weeks in a row but won once she made it actually suit the challenge. Sorry Nomi but how can you expect to win when so far you’ve worn a bikini and satin wrap for the entire season. Yes you have legs up to your asshole we saw that week 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6, they’ve all been good looks but its become very boring. Also doesn’t anyone else notice that her scarecrow look was the same as her Pride Floats look but with a fabric boat?? I digress… Prediction: 4th Place

Thorgy Thor: And here comes the unexpected one, I totally did not think I was going to like Thorgy, but much like the rest of my favourites they have totally grown on me. Thorgy is funny without trying or throwing it into your face, multi-talented as fuuuuck and has had stellar looks. Plus a heart of gold. It’s ridiculous that she still hasn’t won a challenge because Bob has been rewarded for being Bobnoxious. Her RuCo’s Empire was perfection, she actually acted as the character not just herself with a script and her roller girl look was way better than Bobs amazon prime $29 jumpsuit. Not to mention her snatch game being spot on and consistent, I feel as though she would have won had there not been #KimoNoSheBetterDontGate. Hopefully once Bob gets called out for his self-centredness justice will be given to Thorgy will be given the justice she deserves. She already has the fan vote so she just needs to make it to top 3 and she has a great chance of winning. Prediction: Winner

anonymous asked:

"this is exactly what I was anticipating". Except for when you never saw a pregnancy coming and then guaranteed that it would all be denied quickly. So, apart from getting everything about this pregnancy wrong you, anticipated it exactly. Gold star fail, you tried etc. And now you're on record as saying there is no baby and Louis isn't the father, so it's going to be fun reading your inevitable backtrack next year.

Just so I’m clear, are you actually trying to drag me for not having anticipated that 1DHQ would fake a pregnancy? Is that really what’s happening right now?? Really???

This is the most ridiculous stunt of all time, of course I couldn’t have ever predicted it. AND it’s pretty widely known throughout the fandom that the story was supposed to be shot down within days (with denial articles all written and ready to publish), but then something changed and they carried on with it much much longer term, bringing us to our current, unchartered territory. 

The sentence, “this is exactly what I was anticipating” (had you not taken it out of context) was specifically about how they were going to continue to level up their public manoeuvres, in light of the fandom all but ignoring Briana’s (and babygate’s) existence.

And I’m quite happy to go ‘on record’ to state, with certainty, that Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are in a long-term, committed romantic relationship with each other and that Louis is not going to be a father with Briana Jungwirth. Whether she’s actually pregnant to another man remains to be seen, but personally, I don’t think it’s likely. This isn’t a prediction, it’s a statement of fact; Larry is real and babygate is fake. 

Now shall I repeat that again for the fandom stenographer, or did you and the members of your anti jury hear it clearly enough the first time? 

Forgiveness and Tragedy

AU: Farkle’s forgiveness letter was never shared to the class because he had written it to Lucas about how he forgives him for taking the love of his life Riley Matthews away from him.

AU: Riley Matthews wrote a forgiveness letter that was never given to anyone, as she didn’t dare send it…

A/N: I AM SO PROUD OF THIS!!! I tried to make this almost fit their personality. Farkle’s would be all serious when writing of love and would make sure every sentence had to do with his point while Riley’s is trying to be a little humorous and get lost into old memories of them, and in the end she learns something so tell me if you like it please <3

Dear Lucas,

There were a million things I could figure out in life, billion equations and a trillion symbols that I could register in a millisecond of the world, but there were two forces I couldn’t predict: Riley Matthews, for one.

She was the sun, and I would spend my whole life being blinded by her utter innocence. She was cloaked in a blonde mess of light and hair dark brunette hair like the dirt in the Earth-humble and forgiving. Now how could she be like that…I will spend my whole life wondering.

For I have from an early age, like the rest of us in this new age, have come to the conclusion that the world is cruel and unforgiving, especially in the cold streets of New York. Although, she manages to push that aside to keep the kindness that we have all lost at an early age.

And that is why I loved her with every fiber of my being. 

Now I do recall saying there were two forces, and that part was true. And the second one was you. Truth is, I couldn’t predict you stepping into that subway, nor could that day somehow being the first day Riley stepped into a subway. But I did however picture Riley being swept off her feet by another. I just thought there would be enough time for me to cherish with her. To love her and all of her insightful beliefs and warm hugs. However, you came in and it quickly became the four of us, but it felt like three because soon you were all she loves and I was in the background of lost potential that we could be.

I forgive you in the end though, I forgive you for being able to have here, to have in your arms forgiveness, humbleness, innocence and love all thrown at you in the most beautiful, stunning formation of atoms that came to be Riley Matthews, and I shall also thank you making me realize that her sun is nothing compared to the galaxy inside her.

                                                                              Sincerely,

                                                                             Farkle Minkus-The Forgotten

He gave the letter to Lucas  the day before the project was due even though he had it written a week prior. Farkle just couldn’t believe he written that, after keeping it inside for so long, but he had the courage to write it and give it to Lucas, in class, while Riley was right in front of them both, and he quivered at the thought of her reading it.

Lucas and him decided not to disclose the letter to anybody because he this was an estranged time in their lives, and Farkle wasn’t willing of coming to terms of how Riley would never love him like he loved her.

Little did he, or anyone know, was that Riley herself had written a second forgiveness letter that she ended up keeping to herself. It wasn’t to Auggie or to her father, who she wrote a letter to after, but it was to Farkle. It was at 3 a.m on a sleepless night for her thoughts would refuse to let her sleep.

Dear Farkle,

I have spent my whole life wandering thousands of books and screening praying that maybe one day in the world that I would have been able to blink away all ideas of being alone and could somehow morph into the very concept of love. A hopeless romantic I have been, but I have failed to realize that the idea of love was never from the books I read, but from who’s lap I rested my head on as I read them-yours.

Do you remember that time where you were drawing when we were young, and I thought what you were drawing were stars, so I drew a moon to match you? I do. That day I discovered atoms, after you explained to me what they were and for the rest of my life I have spent wondering how a collection of atoms could come together so perfectly to make you.

 It was as if God had the heavens write a song of utter mystery and insight to all the universe’s knowledge that I will never know, and hid it in your soul. All I could hear was it screaming, it was so loud and beautiful that it almost made me go deaf, but no one else was able to hear it, and it made me question all of the world.

You were like a superhero. Not the fake one I have tried to be when I was little with the capes, but the real ones. The wholesome ones that not even the best of authors could have dared to write.You were just so beautiful and stunning with that mind of yours, that under your turtleneck I knew that there was something underneath like your costume.

I guess I was right, though, but instead of a costume it was your heart.

And always, I stared into it,praying that there was a spot for me there

I don;t really know why I’m writing a forgiveness letter to you, because now that I look at the words I have written I had come to terms with the fact that I was the foolish one. Maybe I’m writing this because I wished that instead of sneaking in flirty lines, you would’ve sincerely said why you loved me.

For the light that you always whisper is in my eye, it wasn’t golden because of his hair, it was because I stared at your soul and there was enough gold for a king. You were my savior protecting it and I was the goofball that was so into the idea of love that I failed to realize I already have it.

But unfortunately I assume its too late now for times have changed, I will never know what we could have been if only I have come to the realization sooner… maybe we would’ve went to the moon, or better yet Pluto.

                                                                              Love,

                                                                             Riley Matthews-The Old Pluto

Riley didn’t turn it in, she couldn’t. It had nothing to do about forgiving Farkle, and she didn’t forgive herself, so she just tucked the letter away in her room, not wanting anyone to see it.

However, Maya found it two weeks later, and they too decided to keep it a secret because Riley was tired and needed time to sort everything out. Secretly though Riley already made up her mind, she loved Farkle, but she thought he didn’t love her anymore.

And it was a tragedy you see.

For while both were in love with one another.

It was the lack of honestly and courage that kept them apart.

So they both spent forever, hoping that the other was in love

And that their light would finally shine for them

When it had been there all along

With the other never knowing

EXO (ot12) reacts to you saying Luhan is your bias

@luxlikeagayguysblog said: Exo reacting to you blurting out that Luhan is your bias?

EXO-K:

Kai:
“Haha, that’s cute. You did mean me, right?” He’d definitely tease you about it, and while he may have wanted you to like him, he’d be happy if you two got together.

Originally posted by lovemeharder-yeol

Chanyeol:
“I knew it!” He’d start giggling when his prediction came true, and he’d probably ship you guys harder than you did yourself.

Originally posted by happyvirus

Sehun:
“I mean, I guess I can share” He’d say, in a joking tone, but also mean it. He’d definitely be sizing you up, making sure you were good enough for him.

Originally posted by kaisoh

Suho:
“Wait, you’re serious?” He wouldn’t have reacted at first, but when you got awkward about the situation, he’d realize you had been honest.

Originally posted by suhomysuho

D.O:
“I don’t like it.” You would assume that he was having one of those days where he wasn’t in a good mood, but it was secretly because he liked you.

Originally posted by dyoru

Baekhyun:
“I give you my blessing” He’d send you off immediately to go and chase after Luhan, wanting you guys to be together.

Originally posted by rxxbinc

EXO-M:

Kris: 
“Whatever makes you happy.” He’d find that you two would be an odd couple, but wouldn’t be against it.

Originally posted by yourejustmystylee

Lay:
“I approve one hundred percent” He’d find the idea of you two together adorable, and would defintely do what he could to get you two together.

Originally posted by ethereal-baek

Tao:
“You can’t be serious!” He’d immediately assume you were joking, and wouldn’t believe you no matter what you said.

Originally posted by lil-duckling

Chen:
“Send my love to Luhan” He’d push you immediately out of the room to go talk to him, blowing you a kiss to bring along with you.

Originally posted by k-jd

Xiumin:
“Really? Tell me more.” He’d want to know exactly what you thought of Lu, and want to squeeze every little image you’ve ever had out of your head.

Originally posted by cosmicdrive

Luhan:
“Me? You like me?” He wouldn’t believe that of all the boys, he was your favourite. But he’d embrace it, and show you that he’s just as manly as the rest of them.

Originally posted by luderella

(gifs not mine)