I took some notes during Jurassic World, a movie that has made $1 billion faster than any other movie that has ever existed. It turned out to be exactly as not good at all as I expected. Here is an INCOMPLETE list of the dumb, dumb things that happen in this wildly successful movie.
–The youngest son is precocious enough to tell his mom that they don’t need to rush out the door because the airport is 36 minutes away (16 with no traffic) yet not precocious enough to know that it’s important to get to airports early.
–The eldest son doesn’t even like his girlfriend, and is unnecessarily rude to her? (upon finishing the movie, this is not resolved or really even addressed aside from the few times he looks at girls when there are girls around, but also it shows him looking bored (longingly?) at a picture of his girlfriend at one point so it’s hard to tell how he feels about anything, but then dinosaurs get loose and he doesn’t do anything about this ever again.)
–The dad mocks his eldest son for being sad (or bored?) that he’s leaving his girlfriend for a week? Is the dad character jealous of the eldest son character?
–The parents don’t get along and don’t like each other, at all, and then they are gone, seemingly forever? (They show up later twice but no word on how their divorce went.)
–Not only is twenty years not enough time for people to get bored of actual dinosaurs, but twenty years ago a bunch of dinosaurs killed a lot of people, so they wouldn’t even be available for the public to see for at least several years after that.
–“Kids look at a stegosaurus like it’s an elephant,” she says as if there is only one place on Earth to see elephants because they’ve been extinct for millions of years and have only been brought back to life for everyone to see within the last, let’s say, fifteen years. We landed on the moon more than forty years ago. That shit is still amazing. Sign me up for Moon Park and take me to the moon, you stupid movie.
–In the scenes before and after she talks about how kids don’t care about dinosaurs, we’re shown one of the main characters which is a kid who only cares about seeing dinosaurs.
–(About six scenes later, they show a whole mess of kids laughing and being amazed by dinosaurs)
–Talking about the Monstersaurus they created: “We hit a few snags early on. It began to anticipate where the food would come from.” Fucking cats do that. Mice do that. The other dinosaurs in your park do that. Every animal ever is wired to do that, it’s how animals still exist, you dumb fucking movie.
–“It tried to break the glass,” she says, next to completely splintered glass. Someone should replace that glass.
–Sixteen minutes in and the alleged Prattagonist hasn’t even shown up.
–Here’s the Prattagonist, impressively showing us that he can make raptors… look at him? That’s the trick they’re doing, right? When he says every one of their names in a row for us? And then he lets them go and his buddy’s like “You finally did it, man!” Finally did what? Got the raptors to look at him? This was the big moment? THAT WAS HIS BIG MOMENT?
–“We need velociraptors for wars, because we can’t use drones because drones can be hacked and once a real war starts, all of our technology will go dark.” … What?
–”Extinct animals don’t have any rights.” “They’re not extinct anymore.” “Exactly.” … WHAT?
–When that guy falls into the raptor pit and the Prattagonist goes in to save him, he tells the raptors “Back up! Back up!” The raptors slowly advance on him, and he says “Good, good…”
–I know the older brother will wind up learning a lesson and he’ll be a better brother, but I wish it didn’t take being chased by giant monsters to do that. If you were nicer to your younger brother, that cute girl on the boat probably would have been more attracted to you. Also, there are dinosaurs five feet away from you. Go look at them.
–BUY A MERCEDES-BENZ, AMERICA!
–BUT MAYBE EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, BUY A COCA-COLA! NOTHING IS MORE REFRESHING THAN ROOM TEMPERATURE BUBBLED SYRUP WHEN YOU’RE SWEATING ON A TROPICAL ISLAND AFTER A LONG DAY OF TRAINING FORMERLY EXTINCT MONSTERS.
–The fragile lady who’s lived on a bug-infested tropical island for at least seven years is like “ICK A BUG” and then the Prattagonist grabs it out of the fucking air, holy shit what even are you, movie?
–”Why do you want me to inspect the paddock where you’re keeping the new giant monster that’s never existed before?” “Well, we thought since you can control the raptors…” And then he cuts her off and she never gets to give a satisfactory answer to that reasonable question.
– “Who prints out an itinerary for a night out?” he asks. Her answer is, “I’m an organized person,” but the real answer is, “Nobody. No believable human being.”
–Every other line of dialogue in that scene.
–Okay, PLEASE buy a Mercedes-Benz?
–The guy hired to detect problems with the Monstersaurus cage asks about the feeding mechanism, “You feed it with that?” The woman who asked him to help is APPALLED that he’s EVEN TALKING TO HER, and asks, “Is there a problem?”
–The monster’s been in this cage for months, and they are just now asking ANY PERSON how they should raise it and take care of it?
–The Monstersaurus is finally loose. “She has an implant in her back. I can track it from the control room,” but not from here, where the monster lives and is observed. That would be nuts.
–Wow, seriously, Jurassic Benz everywhere.
–”That wall’s forty feet high. Do you really think she could have climbed out?” Hey, movie, earlier in your movie, you said that the Monstersaurus was between 40 and 50 feet long so yeah probably.
–Clever move covering yourself in gasoline, but now you’ve got gasoline in your eyes. That’s not water. It’s gasoline. Act like you have gasoline in your eyes.
–Can we put a moratorium on war-hungry dummies who are mean to animals for no reason other than to make their eventual death “satisfying”?
–It’s like the only animal this Claire person has ever seen is a worm that turned out to be just some dirt. “It can’t have learned anything, it’s just an animal!” “It can’t feel anything, it’s just an animal!” “It can’t be real or do things, it’s just an animal!”
– “She clawed out her tracking device.” “How would she know to do that?” “She remembered where they put it in.” “Right, but, like, how would she know what it is and what it does?” “She remembered them putting it in her.” “Sure, but, how would she know that that’s a thing she needs to get rid of? Like how did she know that the thing tracks her? Even considering the intelligence of a raptor, it couldn’t possibly know that the tiny device implanted in it at an early age was used to track its whereabouts.” “Well, sure okay, but she doesn’t have to know what it does, just that it’s a foreign object and she needs to remove it.” “Fine, then why didn’t she remove it literally any other time? If she just wanted it out, why didn’t she do that earlier? She waited until she escaped and ran several miles to throw you off, then removed it. Why?” “I don’t fucking know, okay?! I don’t! There, it’s an R-rated movie now! Fuck fuck fuck I don’t fucking know why things happen. Sorry.”
– “Mr. Grady, if you’re not going to help, get out of here,” she said in response to helpful advice.
– “We used this animal’s DNA so it would do a particular thing, but I never imagined that a second thing could happen, despite the fact that the first park everyone’s always mentioning was destroyed because they used frog DNA and didn’t expect the dinosaurs to be able to do things frogs could do,” says the scientist, basically.
– “You act like we’re doing mad science,” says the scientist, adding, “Nothing in Jurassic World is natural!” Verbatim.
–This whole conversation with the scientist is fucking ridiculous and he changes his opinion about the situation (and the reasons for the situation) about every other sentence.
–The kids are in the car bubble and the youngest one looks in every single direction and asks, “Where are they?” The older one says “Oh, man,” revealing that there are fifteen enormous dinosaurs ten feet in front of them.
–They went through all of the trouble to design some bubble cars, and then they… don’t use them? The Jurassic Park jeeps are iconic because they have an original design, and because they were used in more than two scenes of the movie. You have this awesome idea for a dino-viewing vehicle, and they could be iconic if they were better utilized (also if the movie was much better). Practically the minute we get into one of these bubble cars, Monstersaurus shows up and destroys it. No chase scene, no daring escape in a gyroscopic bubble car. Just a monster shows up and bites it like it bit the jeep that one time. Why even bother creating something like that if you’re not going to use it? More screen time for the generic, forgettable MERCEDES-BENZ?
–Smart, though, putting in all of these familiar shots and homages to the original movie to remind us all of good movies.
–Okay, the kids just got to a waterfall and jumped in and that’s all well and good but in the previous scene they had a gyroscopic bubble car. Bet that would have been pretty cool to keep around.
–She got sad when the dinosaur died and that was a fine idea, movie. I’m not being sarcastic.
–… Even though it is virtually unbelievable that this woman who’s worked with dinosaurs for years and years hasn’t had a single moment of connection with or appreciation for any of the thousands of dinosaurs at the park.
–The employee tasked with taking care of the brothers easily could have been a character in this movie. Instead she was on her phone the whole time and then she died horribly. I probably would have cared about that last part if she was a character in the movie.
–Man, I love Chris Pratt. He’s delightful, funny, and seems like a really genuine, kind guy. But he should not be the protagonist in action/adventure movies. I can constantly feel that he knows he’s the protagonist in an action/adventure movies, and wants to make sure he looks really cool saying the things he’s saying. Good for him and his career and the fact that he and his family will be set for life, but… nah, man. Nah.
– “How did they even start that thing up?” asks the character who was working on a motorcycle engine fifteen scenes ago.
–I find it hard to believe that Judy Greer is in this movie anymore, or was ever in this movie in the first place.
–At this point I stopped writing things down because there are some action scenes that happen and they’re completely okay, except it eventually becomes clear that these scenes existed many years ago and the last decade was spent trying to write a movie that leads up to them. Also during these scenes, the male and female leads/placeholders fall in love, I guess, even though they’ve never shared a single conversation together.
–Lauren Lapkus and Jake Johnson got to do a funny bit towards the end!
–The sometimes-reasonable bad guy says, “Imagine: A weapon–deadly, alive, intelligent–that nobody can find or take control of,” as if that’s not the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever said to a person.
–SOFT PITCH FROM A STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Let’s have one of the raptors “bite off the hand that feeds him” at the end. It’ll happen to the New Newman, and we’ll add a scene earlier where he pets the raptor while gabbing on about how the nature of things practically demands that he creates a giant army of probably unstoppable snake monsters.
–A raptor, after a moment of uncertainty about its relationship to the Prattagonist, screams, “Run! I’ll stall him!” Then they don’t do anything and Monstersaurus kills it.
–After telling us the different raptors’ names over and over again, why did they make sure that they all had completely interchangeable personalities and features? This movie hasn’t tried to make me care about anything.
–The gift shop is called “Pandora’s Box,” because the park is self-aware enough to do that, but not enough to reconsider making a giant carnivorous demon creature with a very short wall built around it.
–Did nobody think to invent a special weapon to take down the monster? “Well, bullets don’t penetrate its skin, but we’ll look cool holding guns anyway!”
–Friendly reminder that the premise of this movie is that a theme park for children decided to create a gigantic carnivorous monster designed specifically to have various qualities of many of nature’s best hunters.
–They really harped on how the Monstersaurus had a deep connection with its food crane, and how Prattagonist was really smart for knowing that, and then the movie never mentioned it again? Couldn’t that have been, like, used? In the third act? As part of some sort of plan?
–The T-Rex saves the day again, because who could possibly ever think of a second idea?
–Oh wait they did think of a second idea! (“A different large dinosaur saves the day.”)
–Literally any additional reference to the divorcing couple’s divorce would have been appreciated. The entire film’s denouement was like fifty seconds long.
–Call me crazy, but this new romantic relationship between the two characters who couldn’t stand each other until they both almost died a bunch probably won’t last.