pre game rituals are the best

Does Ellen have an equivalent to “Oprah’s Favorite Things?” Let’s say she does, and lets say that she has Tater and Jack on her show for XYZ Reason (perhaps they win the Stanley Cup?). 

The boys are asked the standard hockey questions which means they get asked, about their pre-game rituals (I know almost nothing about hockey so I am going to pretend this is a standard question) and Tater starts gushing about how Jack had introduced the team-wide pre-game PB&J ritual, the success of which stems from his connection to the best jam known to man. Tater maybe even goes so far as to say that this jam had no small part in getting them to (and through) that final game. 

It might even go as far as a cooking segment where Jack and Tater walk Ellen through the sacred PB&J ritual and RIP Bitty when Ellen pretty much starts crying over how good the jam is on National Television. 

There may or may not be a “Look under your seat for your own personal jar!” moment, where some audience members in awe of such an Emotional Response to food, crack those suckers open right then and there for a taste. A fight over a jar of strawberry may or may not happen in Aisle 8. 

And there may be a moment a day later when Bitty has a minor meltdown because his phone keeps crashing with Twitter/Instagram DMs for jam orders. 

And thus the first brick of Eric Richard Bittle’s Food Empire is laid. 

In honor of the Olympics…

VOLTRON OLYMPIC AU

  • Shiro is a beach volleyball player.
  • Lance is a swimmer.
  • Keith is a gymnast.
  • Hunk doing weight-lifting
  • Pidge is an archer and one of the youngest in the games.
  • Allura competing in the women’s all-around gymnastics, and Coran is her coach.
  • Keith hanging out at the practice pool because he’s thirsty and watching Lance swim and oh no he’s hot
  • He feels really un-patriotic for rooting for the hot guy and not his own country, but he does it anyway (in his head, of course).
  • No one expects Pidge to win any of their events because they’re a child, but, surprisingly, they come in first place.
  • Allura is very flexible and is best at the balance beam.
  • Keith doing parallel bars and asking Allura to practice with him because she’s pretty much the best out there.
  • She does it, since she’s super nice (and they aren’t competing against each other) and she cheers for him at his competition.
  • He tries hard to make her proud
  • Hunk just completely annihilating the competition
  • Lance nick-naming Pidge “Katniss Everdeen”
  • Shiro getting a bloody nose from getting hit in the face at full force with a volleyball, but finishing the game anyway.
  • Lance having a really strange pre-game ritual of eating an orange slice 45 minute before the game, talking to a picture of his mom and saying that he’ll make her proud, complimenting himself in the mirror, and putting/taking off his goggles 3 times.
  • Allura’s team’s leotards are super sparkly and she looks like a beautiful goddess
  • “You can’t date someone from a different country’s team.”
  • “Fucking witness me”
  • Asexual Shiro “They don’t call me an ace for nothing” (get it??? like… like a good serve-)
  • Lance hits his head on the side of the pool often when he doesn’t pay attention
Tired of Waiting For It

Roman Reigns/OC. For @oraclegazes: Shield-era Roman, reader and he have been friends for a while and she hasn’t told anyone she’s into Roman, not realizing he likes her too. He gets jealous when creative puts her in a romantic storyline with Seth and smut happens when she confronts him to find out what his problem is. Bonus if Dean figures everything out before they do.

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ALL RIGHT LISTEN UP NERDS

I’M ABOUT TO TELL Y’ALL ABOUT THE DEMO FOR ETRIAN ODYSSEY 2 UNTOLD: THE FAFNIR KNIGHT

If you haven’t heard about the Etrian Odyssey series before, I’m disappointed, but not really surprised; it’s a pretty niche series for Nintendo handhelds made by Atlus, and let’s be real, the internet rarely ever really pays attention to Atlus unless someone even thinks about their Purse Sonar games or whatever they’re called. But then, if you are a fan of Purse Sonar and you’ve played the series’ 3DS spin-off, Purse Sonar Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth, then CONGRATUMALATIONS YOU’RE ALREADY FAMILIAR WITH THE GAMEPLAY OF ETRIAN ODYSSEY HOORAY

(Purse Sonar: a spin-off from Atlus’ She Mecha’d Me Tensely series that quickly overtook its predecessor in sheer popularity. idk what it’s about, TVs? teddy bears? steak? fortune tellers? dancing? the title leads me to believe psychic kleptomaniacs but who knows)

But ETRIAN ODYSSEY. The gist of the series is that you create your own guild of explorers from several different character classes (ever wanted to play a game with a queer disabled woc as the protagonist? now you can!), throw them into a formation of five, and hurl them into the pit of despair that is the Yggdrasil Labyrinth. Initially your goal is simply to become a guild of renowned explorers logging the monsters and items that lurk within the labyrinth, and sure, it starts off green and gorgeous and fun enough, but quicker than you can say “Ariadne Thread” you’re dealing with body horror, genocide, possession, moral relativism, the end of the world as we know it, you’ve hit your 157th full-party wipeout at the hands of Bambi’s evil cousin today alone, and you don’t know when you started crying??

Oh, and did I mention that you have to make your labyrinth map yourself? That’s kinda important.

Etrian Odyssey 2 Untold: The Fafnir Knight is a remake of the series’ second game, Etrian Odyssey II: Heroes of Lagaard. As was the case with Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl, a remake of the series’ first game, the main focus of the game is a brand-new Story Mode, eschewing the character creation for a pre-set party of five new characters–but in exchange, you get voice acting, animated cutscenes, an extra dungeon to explore, a much more dedicated plot, AND MORE.

EO2U’s Story Mode (which is the basis for the demo) puts you in the shoes of the Fafnir, an orphaned explorer who lives at the Midgard Library, making you a giant nerd. You and your best friend Yuri Lowenthal Flavio are called upon to be bodyguards for a princess who has to travel to the Ginnungagap ruins to perform an ancient ritual–a bit out of the ordinary, since the royal guards of High Lagaard should be up to the task, but whatever, it gets you out of Nerd HQ. While said princess, Arianna, is an even bigger nerd than both of you combined, her first reaction to Bambi’s evil cousin, slayer of swaths of even the most prepared adventurers, is to gush about how delicious he would taste.

As you travel with her and she proves that she actually is surprisingly hard-core, you run across the tiny stoic nerd Chloe and her lazy bum surrogate dad Bertrand, who are looking to make a quick buck in the very ruins you’re traversing for the ritual. Naturally you team up when you’re ambushed by a monster and they join your party permanently afterwards, but HOLY CRAP JUST BEFORE THEN YOU HEAR SOME WEIRD COCKAMAMIE AND SUDDENLY GAIN THE POWER TO TRANSFORM INTO AN UNHOLY BATTLE DEMON. LIKE SO.

HOOOOOLY CRAP.

THE STORY’S ONLY GONNA GET CRAZIER FROM HERE, FOLKS. BETTER BUCKLE UP.

So the demo takes you through the first…hour? two hours? of the game, and you can transfer your progress to the full game, even though the demo imposes a level cap of 10 and a Grimoire Stone inventory cap of 99 (out of a possible FOUR HUNDRED). Hitting that cap isn’t likely to be much of a problem unless you try to get a ton of Grimoires; you don’t unlock the ability to equip them until the tail end of the demo, whereas you’re probably going to hit level 10 as the demo wraps up. Grimoire Stones, for the uninitiated, are items you can equip that can grant you new skills or weapon abilities, or power up existing skills. The game gives you a few to start with, and then as you battle, the stones have a chance to “split off” and create new stones with your own skills, or even the skills of enemies!

And on the subject of Grimoire Stones HOLY WOW THEY FEEL MUCH BETTER THAN IN THE MILLENNIUM GIRL SO FAR. YOU CAN EQUIP MORE THAN ONE (only up to two in the demo though) AND THEY’RE SO MUCH SIMPLER. Skill Trees are also improved in that leveling up a skill sufficiently, in addition to unlocking a new skill, will also automatically add one point to that skill! And maps will update with things as you unlock them, such as highlighted secret tunnels (SECRET TUNNELLLLL), opened treasure chests, etc. The Millennium Girl’s guildkeeper system also returns with a variation–rather than having a mansion to yourself with a maid to provide for your needs, you help a woman named Regina (who is a nerd for food) with the development of a café, finding ingredients and decoding recipes for meals that will grant you different bonuses when you enter the labyrinth next! All in all, the mechanics all feel very streamlined from previous titles in the series!

AND YE GODS, THE MUSIC

I MEAN THE DEMO COMPRESSES IT SOME FROM WHAT IT’LL BE IN THE ACTUAL RELEASE BUT YOU CAN HARDLY TELL, NAY, NOR EVEN CARE, FOR HOW GLORIOUS IT IS TO BEHOLD

AUGUST 4 AND FIFTY HOT BUCKAROONIES TO SPEND CANNOT COME FAST ENOUGH AAAAAAAA

…so yeah.

PLAY THE EO2U DEMO. BUY THE EO GAMES. LOVE YOURSELF. STAY IN SCHOOL.

a kiss like a featherlight touch

In which Daichi is fluent in Michimiya-speak and still manages to be an idiot, much to Suga’s ever-lasting frustration.

A DaiYui fic from the POV of our favorite Captain Oblivious. Written for Day Two of Haikyuu Rare Pair Week. Prompt: Distance/Language. Rating: G for copious amounts of fluff. Words: 2,200. Many thanks to michichans for the beta & the kind words. ^^

Also found on AO3.

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How to Wake Up Early for School:

- ok so if you are anything like me you have the sleeping habits of the common North American Opossum, or (also like me) you might even suffer from Insomnia. Well kids why don’t you come sit around the campfire so I can sing y’all a lil ditty about my cure to terrible sleep habits -

Schedule: Ok so at the end of the summer especially and near big tests and stressful times my sleep schedule is shit. So I’ve found that the best way to keep my brain doing the blushy smile emoji is to resort to my fourth grade bedtime. yep. throw in the towel at 8:30/9:00. And going to bed this early gives you time to really take care of yourself. You don’t totally have to hit the pillow then, take a shower so you don’t have to worry about it in the morning, moisturize your skin and maybe have some herbal refreshments. I’ll cover  that more later.

Tools: So. for me personally I have a whole “pre-game ritual” to prepare me not only for a good night’s sleep but to ensure I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. Here is a list of tips and products that help me.

  • As soon as I head to bed I pick out tomorrow’s outfit, gym outfit, and make sure everything is in my backpack, it lessens stress in the morning.
  • SHOWAHHHHH. I always shower at night. always have, always will. I hate waking up in the morning only to have to get drenched in water. (I prefer a more subtle approach to my waking up routine).
  • Moisturize yo face. Make ur skin :). Maybe even try out some special nighttime skin serums.
  • Melatonin. OOOOK so. I have clinical insomnia so I take an off-brand melatonin supplement for that as well as to calm me down from my anxiety attacks (which doesn’t work for everybody btw) If you don’t want to take pills or meds or whatever to help you fall asleep then don’t. That’s chill man, u do u. Just to inform you though, melatonin is a hormone naturally created in our bodies and if you can’t sleep then you might just be running low on it and a pill MIGHT be the boost ur body needs. If you have insomnia then your body straight up does not make nearly enough melatonin and I recommend at least having a conversation with your doctor about it.
  • TEAAAAA! alrighty so if you reeeally don’t want to take a supplement for sleep then maybe try relaxing herbal teas. Personally Chamomile grosses me out and I can’t stand it but they have just regular old teas in the supermarket that send signals to ur brain to slow down.
  • Music. I have to listen to music to fall asleep. I use the app 8tracks for my nighttime jams (its also an app) its an amazing app where people make and share all sorts of playlists for all sorts of situations and genres and artists and songs and albums and basically anything. My favorite types of playlists are indie that include Arctic Monkeys, the Kooks, Bad Suns, the 1975 and all that fun stuff mostly because it has a really calming downbeat.
  • Alarms. So I used to only rely on the alarm that came with IOS but, as always, my unconcious self found a way to turn off the alarm, not just snooze it, without waking me up. But then I stumbled upon a lovely app called SleepTimer. This app is amazing, what is does is the phone stays under your fitted sheet while you sleep and documents your sleep patterns, like when your in your deepest sleep and when you’re just on the verge of waking up and you give it a half hour timeframe of when you need to wake up and the app wakes you up when you are in your lightest stages of sleep and then makes you rate your sleep experience and even plays white noise or calming sounds while you fall asleep.

Most Important: You really have to want to wake up in the morning. Think about what you want to do the next day before you fall asleep so you have something for your brain to wake up for (like how you’d just magically always wake up early every christmas morning or easter if you’re catholic when you were a kid)

 @khamalas​ posted saying “does parse also watch those bts clips or?” and I think the clear answer is yes. Because what good is having essentially a mini documentary about your ex ? ex best-friend? ex maybe if you don’t watch it.

So he watches them alone in his empty apartment with his cat and expects to be mad about everything he couldn’t have had but thats not what happens. 

Instead:

  • He learns stuff about Jack through the videos that he didn’t know because they have both grown up and Kent hasn’t talked to him enough in recent years to know them. 
  • He learns that Jacks pre game rituals are no longer the same, that he smiles differently now and Kent almost doesn’t recognise him until he laughs and then its the exact same as the way he use to when they were together.
  • He watches the mini games they play and Jacks still a sore looser even after all these years.
  • They do a trivia quiz and Jack is only marginally better at pop culture than he was 6 years ago, but since when is Zimms so good at history. Kent swears Jack never paid more attention in history than he did in high school but maybe that was just another thing he missed.
  • They do a gift wrapping challenge for christmas and all Kent can think about is all the horribly wrapped gifts he got through juniors and how it turns out that Jack got lots of parts of his life together but not that part. 
  • He learns that Jack still tapes his stick the exact same way that they made up together in juniors, the same way Kent still does as well. 
  • Slowly but surely Kent fills in the gaps about what he didn’t know about Jack, that he was a history major, that he once flipped a table over a board game, and waged war on a rival sports teams house. That his best friend goes to law school, and that his proudest moment from collage was walking across the stage to receive his diploma.
  • Jacks exactly the same but entirely different and over time Kent comes to realise that this Jack isn’t the Jack he fell in love with when he was 16 and maybe its for the better but it still hurts to know that Jacks not his.

Eventually Kent realises that he’s not the boy Kent loved when he was young, but maybe Kent can let him go if he knows there’s no going back now

From BuzzFeed: An Interview With Michael Cera And Kieran Culkin As They Play “Mario Kart”

BuzzFeed caught up with Broadway’s newest stars, Michael Cera and Kieran Culkin, where the real-life best friends are making their debut in Kenny Lonergan’s This Is Our Youth. Before hitting the stage at the Cort Theatre, we chatted with the duo during their pre-show ritual — playing a heated game of Mario Kart — where we talked video games and life on the Great White Way, and a whole lot about Nintendo.

An Interview With Michael Cera And Kieran Culkin As They Play “Mario Kart”

BuzzFeed caught up with Broadway’s newest stars, Michael Cera and Kieran Culkin, where the real-life best friends are making their debut in Kenny Lonergan’s This Is Our Youth. Before hitting the stage at the Cort Theatre, we chatted with the duo during their pre-show ritual — playing a heated game of Mario Kart — where we talked video games and life on the Great White Way, and a whole lot about Nintendo.

The rules: Michael and Kieran must play four rounds of the Mushroom Cup — Luigi Raceway, Moo Moo Farm, Koopa Troopa Beach, and Kalimari Dessert — all while yielding questions about their show, their friendship and a slew of questions about Mario Kart 64. The equipment: the Nintendo 64 currently residing in their shared dressing room inside the Court Theater. Winner gets bragging rights, loser must answer painfully awkward “Would You Rather” questions. Let’s see how they did! 

First things first: do you two really play Nintendo 64 every night before showtime?

Michael Cera: Nearly.

Then let’s get to it. Who’s your favorite Mario Kart character?

Kieran Culkin: Oh, come on, Luigi.

MC: I use Wario even though my father was Luigi.

KC: It’s true.

Who’s the most annoying character in the game?

KC: Wario when he’s being controlled by Michael.

What’s your favorite Mario Kart level?

KC: Wario Stadium.

MC: The most popular level around here is the Rainbow Road.

KC: Oh yeah.

MC: Which is really fun. But no, Wario Stadium is really great and I like the beach. I just like to soak up the rays.

KC: You’re also really good at the beach. You always win at the beach.

MC: Thank you.

What’s the crappiest item to get in an item box?

MC: A single banana doesn’t do much good.

KC: Also the fake item.

So what’s the best item?

MC: Lightning is great. The ghost is great.

KC: The star.

MC: The star is kinda good.

KC: The star is the best because it defends against the lightning —

MC: — but so does the ghost. And you can take away someone’s lightning.

KC: Yeah, but the star also makes you drive faster. It’s basically like having a boost for 10 seconds where you can kind of cross … like what I’m about to do right now. I’m cutting across and also impervious.

MC: This is funny, like, we’re treating this like it’s a new game. We’re talking about it like it’s some new thing.

KC: But! There’s still debatable things [about it], like, “What’s the best weapon?” and I think for sure the star. Oh, I got the lightning too, that’s great. The Bowser shell is great too.

Be honest. Do you find Princess Peach to be attractive?

MC: Obnoxious.

KC: Obnoxious, but attractive, yeah. I’d hit that.

Which character would you like to have as your roommate?

KC: Luigi.

MC: Why?

KC: I just think we’d get along. He’s pretty cool.

MC: I think Luigi’s masturbation schedule would really conflict with yours. You’d go to the bathroom and he’d be like, “I’m in here!”

KC: Yeah, maybe. But I’d respect it. I’d have to respect that he’d need to, um, jerk it a little. We’d come up with a system, like a bulletin board or something.

MC: Isn’t he kind of neurotic?

KC: Yeah, you’re right. Well, are we talking about who I’d be friends with or roommates with?

MC: Roommates.

KC: I’d be able to live in a much nicer place if I lived with Princess Peach.

MC: I’d live with Mario. Just cause he’s, like, the guy. You could be like, “I live with Mario” and people would be like [impressed].

KC: Mario can pay the rent. He’d be obnoxious, though. He’d be like, “Use the coaster, woohoo!”

Round 1 tally: Wario (Michael), 1st place; Luigi (Kieran) 2nd place.

MC: We really better get some free Nintendo stuff for this.

KC: I’d like to say for the record that Mario Kart 8 is an amazing fucking game. Have you played the Wii U version yet? You haven’t?

MC: You’re livin’ in the past.

KC: I was doing this until I got that game and it made me buy a Wii U. Now I’ve gotten really shitty at this version because that one is so goddamn good.

MC: My mastery of this game makes me feel like I’m a typist or something.

Do you think your characters would have played Mario Kart if it existed in their day?

KC: [To Michael] Oh, you would’ve. Warren would’ve.

MC: Yeah, I would say.

KC: I don’t think Dennis would’ve.

MC: You don’t think he’d get really competitive with it?

KC: It’s like that thing, then if I started losing I would totally be like, “Yeah, Warren’s really amazing at Mario Kart.”

MC: Yeah.

KC: Like that fucking matters.

MC: Yeah, take that to the bank.

Why did you guys decide to do this play?

MC: Why? I just really liked the play, to be honest.

KC: I’ve been pressing it for like 12 years. I got to do a version of it 12 years ago and I’ve been wanting to do it again since. I don’t exactly know why, it’s just great.

Are there any ’80s bands that you still listen to?

MC: David Bowie. Tears for Fears is great.

KC: INXS.

What’s your favorite ’80s cartoon?

MC: The Real Ghostbusters.

KC: Oh, that’s good. Thundercats.

MC: That’s ’80s?

KC: Yeah, ‘87 I think or something like that.

Favorite Brat Pack movie?

KC: The Breakfast Club.

MC: Am I going to hit myself with my own green shell?

KC: Oh, that’s the end?

MC: That’s the end, baby.

KC: You motherfucker.

MC: That’s it.

KC: I thought it was the end of the second lap.

MC: It was the lap that counted.

KC: Damnit.

MC: Breakfast Club was great, Sixteen Candles is really good. Ferris Bueller is really good.

KC: Ferris Bueller is great, that would be a close second for me.

Round 1 tally: Wario (Michael), 1st place; Luigi (Kieran) 3rd place.

What video games did you play as a kid?

MC: Super Mario 3. Gyromite.

KC: Gyromite’s great.

MC: Super Mario 3 I got into but —

KC:Solomon’s Key! That’s a new one. I never played that growing up, you introduced me to it.

MC: I had Solomon’s Key. It’s great.

KC: I never knew it existed for regular NES. So good.

MC: It’s intense.

KC: I grew up right in that fuckin’ sweet spot of Nintendo. I was born in ‘82, so by the time it was a household thing I was about 6, which was perfect for when new games came out.

MC: Duck Hunt.

KC: Contra. Castlevania.

MC: Ninja Turtles.

KC: Castlevania is my favorite Nintendo game.

M: See, Michael tends to use the sand bar when he doesn’t have the boost, which, he’s about to use the boost now so… Motherfucker.

What would be in your own suitcase of important childhood toys?

KC: The Thundercats Nintendo game.

MC: I had some Ghostbusters.

KC: Wrestling toys.

MC: I had the Martian Manny, is that his name? This green guy who was fantastic. I found him on the road.

KC: You did it without the boost! You motherfucker.

MC: Yeah, I did it without the boost. With, without — the important thing is to pull ahead.

KC: God, you are such an asshole.

Round 3 tally: Wario (Michael), 1st place; Luigi (Kieran) 2nd place.

Since your characters in the play seem to, have you ever actually hung out on the Upper West Side?

KC: I grew up on the Upper West Side.

MC: I’ve been up there. Yes, I have.

How realistic were the sets? Were your characters turning off and on the lights to the apartment and playing records or did it just look that way?

MC: It’s all a bit of movie magic.

KC: Well, you know, the turnstile, it moves.

The stage’s New York City apartment is hyperrealistic. Have you ever lived in a one-bedroom apartment like that here?

MC: I have not.

KC: It looks exactly like my friend’s apartment.

MC: I had a friend that lived in a studio apartment with a pull-down bed and it was disgusting. It was the kind of the place where you rent by the month that you live in and treat it like a hotel. You’ve got dishes and stuff. And one time he made a pot of Dinty Moore stew and he dropped it on the carpet and and he was just went, “Eh, whatever.” And it was just there for the rest of the time he lived there.

KC: Really?

MC: Then he just moved out. He was like, “Oh, they’ll figure it out.”

Your characters in this show have many vices. If you had to pick for yourself between weed, booze, or cigarettes, which would you pick?

KC: Definitely not cigarettes. That’s immediately eliminated.

MC: I choose weed. It’s the least harmful of all three.

KC: It is the least harmful but I like booze too much. Booze.

MC: Oh god, the train!

KC: Did you get hit by the train? This is, like, your level too.

MC: It’s not over.

What one food can Michael not live without?

KC: Hold on. I can think of this…

MC: Dude, I’ve TOLD you what food I can’t live without.

KC: Oh, bacon.

Which one of you can go longer without showering?

KC: Michael’s got some B.O.

MC: And I have a very inactive lifestyle.

KC: That’s true. So do I, though.

MC: It takes a lot to generate B.O. for me.

Which one of you is more likely to break on stage?

KC: We’ve done a couple times, but always evenly.

MC: Yeah, it’s [true]. We kind of keep our cool.

KC: If one of us breaks, we both break.

MC: If Peach takes away my perfect Grand Prix…I’m not gonna be able to stay cool.

If you two were to do another play again, do you have any idea what it would be?

KC: Something by Kenny Lonergan.

MC: Yeah, that would be great. … Wait, she pulled right ahead! Where is she? Oh, there she is.

MC: She’s dead now!

Would you ever consider doing a musical?

MC: Uh, no.

KC: I don’t know how to sing.

MC: OK, now it all comes down to what Kieran gets right here.

KC: Well, I could have turned this into something useful but this bitch just passed me so I’m going to get second place.

MC: Awesome.

Round 4 tally: Wario (Michael), 1st place; Luigi (Kieran) 2nd place.

KC: Whoa, almost! You almost got me with that shell.

MC: Really? That would have been a great finish.

KC: You got first all four times. I got second, second, third, second.

MICHAEL WINS THE MUSHROOM CUP!

Final tally: Wario (Michael), 36; Luigi (Kieran) 21.

Kieran, since you lost you’re now subjected to two round of “Would You Rather.” So: would you rather sweat mayonnaise or poop a softball?

KC: Oh, poop a softball! That’s easy.

MC: No, it’s not that easy. You’re not really thinking about the anal stretching.

KC: You can get really drunk, and you go to the hospital and shit out a softball…

MC: So you can define the terms and conditions of this [game]?

KC: OK. So I’ll go to the hospital. It’ll be like the worst day of my life and when my wife eventually has kids she’ll be like, “You don’t know what this is like!” I’ll be like, “Yes I do. I shat a softball.”

MC: What about your softball-sized asshole for the rest of your life?

Final round: Would you rather be sexually attracted to fruit or have Cheeto dust on your fingers for the rest of your life?

Both, in unison: Sexually attracted to fruit.

MC: It’s everywhere.

KC: Yeah, but still, when I’m alone and nobody’s around I find a pomegranate…

MC: You’re not, like, uncontrollable, right? You don’t have, like, I Have to Have Sex With Fruit Tourettes? Where you, like, see a banana and lose your cool.

KC: And so what if I’m sexually attracted to fruit? If I wanna fuck a pineapple — actually, I don’t know why I said a pineapple. That would be the worst.

CHECK OUT THIS IS OUR YOUTH AT THE CORT THEATER.