praying there are no more mistakes in the writing

i remember i used to spend my time writing about you.
i used to lose sleep crying over you. finally okay.
i’m happy that i suffered..
in both life and relationships because i’ve learned, i grew, and i’ve evolved into the version of myself most necessary for survival.
i’m a work in progress and i’m still working on a happier, wiser, more loving and accepting ME-daily.
i’m still under construction.
whichever mistakes i made today-
i pray i learn and grow from, but i’ll never give up.
i’ll always choose love.
and i know some days i stumble, but i try my best.
for a long time after you left, my dreams beat my reality.
i used to think about life and shit like everything we could be and everything that should be and all the dead-end promises you gave that fooled me.
i used to pray that you’d find yourself
and someone who could love the baggage you carry on your back and i prayed that i’d find some clarity and the strength to move forward, without you.
i depended on your love for so long
that i didn’t realize you became a part of me.
it was hard to see that
God placed you in my life for a good reasoning.
i’m thankful to you for noticing me.
i’m thankful for our love and all the shit you taught me.
i’m thankful for our ending, i was broken-indescribably.
i’ve faulted myself for loving too hard, for too long.
today i applaud myself.
in a generation where falling in love is conditional and frowned upon, i’ve spilled my soul.
i’ve let you see my naked, and sometimes ugly, truth.
this morning i finally saw my silver lining-
crazy how it used to be you.
—  “ex lover” -Reyna Biddy

anonymous asked:

Do you have anxiety and how do you deal with it?

I use to have anxiety from the age of 16 - 19 but I worked on myself a lot and eventually it went away. I just changed my lifestyle. I read like over 100 self-help books 😂

I became vegan. I let go of the past. Spent more time with friends and family. Started going places on my own. I would go for walks in nature everyday & night. I started meditating and doing yoga. I got a cat. Stopped having such a strong defence mechanism and allowed myself to be more open with my vulnerability. Started communicating more. I stopped watching TV and going on social media. I listen to classical music a lot. I prefer going to museums then to the mall. I’m never around drama. I don’t complain or gossip. I don’t play the victim, I have a strong no excuses mentality. I laugh more. Do more things that make me happy. Helping others is a form of healing. I started reaching out to people more. I’m very open and loving now instantly without thought. I read The Scriptures & The Bhagavad Gita. I read a lot of philosophy & poetry too. And surrendered myself to God, allowing myself to trust and let go.

I think you just grow as a person, you get anxious when you resist growth. I’m someone who likes change and can adapt to change very easily. Growth is important, growing towards the light. Once you eliminate the things from your life that aren’t good for you, including old repetitive thoughts, life is allowed to take place. I had to learn to be less stubborn and stop being such a know-it-all. It’s a process but as long as you’re willing to overcome anxiety, instead of making an identity out of it - as so many people have done, you will be guided to do so. You’ve got to pray more, be asked to be shown the way. Open up more, even if it’s simply writing down what you feel, you’ve got to let that energy flow out in the way it needs to. Accepting life will have many hardships and challenges, it has to in order to strengthen character. Life will not be perfect no matter how much it looks that way on social-media. You’ve got just to take responsibility for every aspect of your life, your happiness, sadness, mistakes, career, family, creative potential, intelligence, self-knowledge, nutrition, well-being, finances, relationships etc. Otherwise life will be extremely hard to deal with, if you don’t allow yourself to learn how to deal with those things yourself.

I think learning helped me personally overcome anxiety, I usually get anxious over things I don’t understand. If the thought of money makes me anxious, I’ll educate myself on it as much as possible, till I feel confident enough in my understanding of it. The same with emotions, seek to understand them through books etc, until one feels well equipped in dealing with them. This is with anything in life. Ask yourself what you’re anxious about, get a piece a paper and write it down. Once you have a list see what you can do to rectify those things and make them better. If you’re anxious about your career for example, then buy books and watch things that can help you with that problem, then eventually you’ll know how to deal with that issue intelligently. That’s what books are for, they truly help. Self-education is the key to mastery in life.

honestly though hermione and ron would be the best parents ever

  • ron reading babbitty rabbitty and the tale of the three brothers and basically all of beedle the bard with just the right voices and funny inflections every bedtime
  • hermione ensuring that her children know the classic muggle fairy tales–with her own twist ofc–”now rosie, what does sleeping beauty teach us about the history of females and their status within literature?” 
  • ron tucking the kids in with a warm glass of milk and cookies; “never underestimate the value of good food, hugo”
  • hermione flipping pancakes in the morning in the shape of spell movements (”swish and flick, darlings! you too, ronald”)
  • ron taking rose out for her first broomstick ride while hugo clutches hermione’s hand fearfully
  • the kids growing up to saturday morning rituals of quidditch games with the Weasley cousins and sunday afternoon pot roasts with Grandma Weasley (”grandma, i’m full!” “nonsense!”)
  • holidays at the grangers’ in australia, ron making sure that they go hiking on every single nature preserve (”there’s no way that thing’s not magicked up, hermione, look at its stomach” “ronald, how many times do i have to tell you about the bloody kangaroo???”)
  • hermione coming home from a long day at work, ready to topple over, only to find ron, the kids, and a scrumptious steak dinner ready to go
  • ron taking first rose and then hugo with him to the joke shop and buying ice cream as a special treat and strolling down diagon alley, smiling and waving at everyone who knows the local shop proprietor
  • hermione taking them to gringotts, showing them the ins and outs of money, teaching them to value and save
  • both parents cementing their children’s open mindedness with exposure to both wizarding and muggle worlds, trying their best to make sure they understand the beauty and importance in both
  • the first time a boy pushes rosie on the playground and runs away, ron leaps up, furious, only to stand openmouthed as hermione races to the boy, sits him down, and looks on approvingly as rosie demands an apology and proud hermione rounds up all the kids for a lesson on expressing their feelings healthily (”not everyone has the emotional range of a teaspoon, ron” “hermione, are you ever going to let that–” “nope”)
  • wild car rides with ron at the helm, hermione clutching on to the seat rest with a firm look of disapproval and slight terror
  • ron and hermione trying their best to protect their children from the fame and paparazzi every day, refusing to allow them to be photographed; “my children make their own future, thank you very much” (hermione still keeps tabs on rita skeeter ofc)
  • yet never hiding their scars, “mudblood” and tentacle marks alike, answering the children’s questions readily and without reserve, because they have a right to know, to understand their history as a family and as a society
  • the house always bulging with books, food, and laughter
  • ron and hermione telling rose and hugo each and every day how much they love them, how precious and wonderful and smart and amazing they are
  • hugs always, everywhere and anywhere
  • yummy snacks and meals readily supplied by a doting grandmother and father
  • rose and hugo growing up, nurtured by love, shaped by wisdom, taught with compassion and fairness and trust
  • ron and hermione doing their best to raise their children to smile and not scowl, to be accepting and reasonable and kind always, to live their joyful childhood that was cut so short, praying and hoping and trying to make sure that, god forbid, nothing like their terrors will ever happen again
  • making mistakes and stumbling, but doing it all together with giggles and apologies and kisses
  • just hermione and ron as mum and dad, who fought for peace and live in it, thankful every day for the world they were able to create for their children.
2017.07.12 Entry

Spiritual awakening.

That’s something what I’ve been experiencing in the recent months myself. I have to admit that the first few months I’ve been heavily concerned and anxious, constantly wondering what is wrong with me, why is that I feel like I’m unable to find my ground. I was constantly running in a fear, that I’m overseeing something about myself, that something’s not the same with me. It especially become apparent as I noticed that I grew out of a few things and that I no longer feel towards them the same.  I grew to realize that my body is preparing me for something else, and it’s giving me the signs. Not also that, but and also telling me to look around, look around myself, to understand why is all of that happening. I started to feel complete opposite of myself. I have become more in touch with the universe. 

Just in case if anyone’s wondering, what is Spiritual Awakening, and how do you know that it’s something what you are experiencing. Be prepared that it comes in the various signs and all of them may not apply to you, only a couple of them.

  1. Your sleep hours change. I was used to being a night owl. I could stay up all night and wake up somewhere in the afternoon. But I noticed that my body has found another time. I have become now a morning bird and I go to the bed around 11pm. 
  2. Headaches, temple pressures. Sometimes all out of nowhere you may also find yourself struck with the ideas and can’t stop brainstorming them. It’s as if the second breath and two muses are in a game. You can also feel the vibrations in your ears and somewhere around your head. If you are feeling all of those, don’t be scared. Your Crown chakra is opening. 
  3. Mood swings. You feel like you are on a constant rollercoaster. One second you can feel like you’re tearing up, the next moment you are happy and there’s no worries around you, and the following.. you’re angry about the things and you feel like everything’s going to explode. Sometimes you can also become lonely without any reason and catch yourself thinking “I have everything - why do I feel that way?”. The feelings that you’ve been blocking earlier are now resurfacing into the surface. Let all of them go with the love. Forgive yourself. 
  4. Old problems come back. Perhaps old people as well. Sometimes that can cause confusion. Face them. It’s your uncomplete karma lessons that will keep resurfacing until you’re done with them. You need to cleanse yourself.
  5. Your physical body may begin changing. Your eating habits may become more healthy.
  6. You are more sensitive than ever. It’s just because your sixth sense is opening so you’re open to the energies and also becoming more empathetic towards the people. You may also begin to see auras or lights around people or objects, you may get blurry vision from time to time, dry or itch eyes, or catch glimpses of sparkles. Sometimes you may also hear voices in your head, someone whispering or calling out your name. You can also feel the weird buzzing in your ears, interesting smells or a feeling that someone’s near you. Those are also the signs that are being sent by your guides or guardian angels. Don’t be scared of them. But also make sure that they don’t cross any boundaries. You can also ask for their help in healing.
  7. You begin to watch the world in completely different eyes. You see the love and oneness. You let it all happen the way it’s supposed. You become more forgiving and loving as much as it’s possible for you. Don’t eat yourself from a bad day and remember that tomorrow is the next day and you can make it better. Become more understanding and gentle with yourself.
  8. Be more courageous and don’t be afraid to clean up the old to replace it with the new habits and interests.
  9. You may also begin to spot many signs that you feel are talking to you in some volumes. They’ll be very necessary for you to help your subconscious grow. 
  10. Things may begin synchronize. You may begin to spot the same numbers (11:11, 23:23, 12:12, 13:13, etc.). Look up on the internet to see what kind of a message your angels are sending out. But most of the time it is telling you that you are on the right path. All the people and other synchronizities that you meet on your road are connected to your minds. 
  11. You may also begin to feel the constant growth of your nails and hair. 
  12. At the beginning you may get unreasonable diarrhea, begin throwing up, temperature, your heart pressure or rate may increase. You can also bump into the illnesses from the childhood that you have never completely healed. Hot/cold flashes. Sometimes you may also feel the pressure in your chest area. This is how your body is cleaning.
  13. Your eyes are changing, face color, smell. Your wrinkles may also become less apparent. You may begin to appear younger than you actually are, grow in the height, and it doesn’t matter of how old you are.
  14. Sometimes you can feel the itching or as if the electricity coursing through you into your fingers and palms. You may also find it troubling to touch the things from the metal.
  15. Dreams. You can begin to dream very bright and colorful dreams which make you feel like you are in a real world. You can also dream the deceased beloved ones or completely unknown people/places. Use the journal to write down as much of a dream you can remember and try to connect them to one, and what kind of message your subconscious are informing you of.
  16. You may no longer feel  hungry as much as you used to. You may even feel the need to begin working out or become more physically active. You hardly get tired.
  17. You may be constantly thirsty, feel the need to drink a lot of water. 
  18. Sometimes you feel like nobody can hear you, no one can see you, and that you are isolated/excluded from the group of your friends and family. 
  19. You begin to watch into the world as if you’ve seen it all in the movie before. You know how all of it has begun and how it may all end, but you can’t say anything. 
  20. You know when someone’s lying to you, and when they are not.

We lose our energy when:

  • We say yes, although our insides feel like they’re saying “no”.
  • We’re smiling when we’d rather cry.
  • We’re saying that nothing has happened since we don’t want a conflict instead of explaining things in a rational way.
  • We’re feeling miserable, and we forgot to ask ourselves: “What’s the cause of all this and what’s standing in the way of me being happy?”
  • We’re silently hurting instead of asking the other person of what we expect/want from them.
  • We’re interpreting other person’s actions/words and are silently miserable, instead of asking of what did they have in the mind.
  • We’re spending our time talking about nothing, talking about one behind their back and being disgusted of the politics, educational system, bad personal, instead of remembering something what made us happy.
  • Noticing that there’s nothing left between us and the other in common, but we’re still trying to hold onto them because we’re used to them.
  • We’re trying to pretend to be someone else instead of how we truly are.
  • We have too many expectations.
  • We care more about the other people’s opinions instead of us.
  • We keep people in our lives who constantly blame the others for what’s happening in their world.
  • We talk to the people who are skeptic and don’t believe in us.
  • We’re thinking and talking about other people’s lives instead of our own.
  • Again and again, we constantly talk to everyone of what’s something bad what has happened into our lives and who has hurt us. 
  • Constantly hoping that one day we will feel much happier.
  • We don’t know how to plan the time, we raise unreal expectations ourselves and then we guilt ourselves that we didn’t live to them.
  • We’re constantly eating ourselves when do the same mistakes over and over again, instead of telling ourselves gently that the first 15 years of our lives are the hardest because we’re constantly learning.

We feel more alive when:

  • We talk to the people who share out interests. 
  • We talk to the people who make us look forward to, search about the things, help us broaden our horizons, make our hearts beat faster.
  • We learn something new.
  • We pray in our own words and from the heart.
  • We’re asking help from the universe and looking at the signs.
  • We meditate.
  • We practicing to be more thankful/begin writing a diary of the things that we’re feeling most thankful for.
  • We do a good job unexpectedly, unplanned, spontaneously.
  • We experience something new. 
  • We begin to doubt our own true.
  • We stop comparing ourselves to the others.
  • We no longer care what others may think about us.
  • We read books.
  • We follow our inner voice.
  • We do something what’s completely unusual to us. 
  • We do something creative.
  • We listen to the songs, lectures, movies that inspire us.
  • We stop ourselves saying something negatively and finish it on a more positive note.
  • We look at everything with a humor.
  • We create a comfortable atmosphere, by cleaning our house.
  • We learn how to relax.
  • We practice being here and right now.
  • We spend time in the silence.
  • We accept everything with the happiness.
  • We spend time with the people who encourage, trusts, support and believe in us.
  • We take care of our bodies.
  • We provoke ourselves.
  • We say no when we want to say no, and yes when we feel like saying yes.
  • We openly admit to ourselves when we were wrong before.
  • We practice healthy lifestyle.
Turning Tables

Alright this is my first ever Bughead fanfic actually first fanfiction in general written by me so i hope and pray this goes well. Sorry for any mistakes it’s late and i was eager to get this up.

Betty Cooper the girl next door and part time worker for the register. When she needs a ground-breaking story to launch her writing career she sets her eyes on the most feared gang in riverdale and there infamous prince jughead Jones. When she goes undercover to unlock the secrets of the southside she starts to become one of them and starts to long for more than just information but also the affections of the serpent prince himself.

CHAPTER 1 - Internships

“Miss Cooper i must say your resume is very impressive one of the best we’ve ever seen” Betty gave her award winning smile and nodded her head in thanks as the stern women sitting in front of her gave a slight smirk and continued “But I’m afraid there are some concerns regarding your age, as you know these opportunities are usually given to college students not…high schoolers” Betty noticed the woman’s face contort into a disapproving frown.

“Mrs.Jacobs i understand your concerns and why you would be hesitant in choosing me, but i promise i have what it takes to do everything that needs to be done. I’ve been writing since forever, helping my parents run the town newspaper I’ve even had a few side reviews published and can guarantee that i won’t let you down.” Betty’s confidence was beginning to waver she could have sworn the essay she sent was a shoe in to get her chosen despite her being younger than most who applied for this particular intern opportunity. It got worse as the stone faced women stared downward at her notepad as she scribbled something off to the side. When she looked up again she sighed.

“Alright Elizabeth here’s what i’ll do for you,” she paused a moment as if reconsidering her offer but continued none the less “Though you’ve written side reviews for your parents paper i want you to go a step further, I want you to Write out a full fledged article. I want you to dig deeper than you ever have and write a story good enough to catch our attention and the towns, send it to us we’ll review it and get back to on whether or not you got it.” Betty did her best to not let her smile falter and nodded in agreement.

“Okay, yeah i’ll get right on it, no problem, you won’t be disappointed i promise!” she replied a bit too quickly as the lady began to pack up her things.

“I’m expecting it a month from tomorrow” Betty’s heart dropped as Mrs.jacobs voice cut through her spirits. A month, she had a month to figure out something amazing to write about, gather information piece it all together, write and rewrite and edit it and then convincing her parents to approve it and proofread and edit it over again. It took her 3 months to perfect her essay and it had taken her friends Veronica and Archie to submit it behind her back when she would non-stop edit it until she was satisfied and found it perfect, yet she still was too scared to submit it herself.

“sounds great” her voice cracked and even she could tell “thank you so much for meeting with me and for your time mrs.jacobs i really appreciate it” the women gave a small smile in thanks then left out of the library.

Betty kicked a crushed can in front of her as the snow fell swiftly around her. she hung her head low deep in thought. there were plenty of people and stories and lives that could be dug out of the small town but nothing was sparking her interest. she sighed in defeat as she approached her home. Her mom would surely hound her about the interview the moment she walked in. this internship could spark her entire writing career and launch her to the top.

As she opened the door as quietly as possible she kicked off the snow that was caked onto her boots and hung her coat on the rack as she closed the door and locked it. Her mother’s voice rang out.

“Elizabeth! is that you?” Betty sighed and walked into the kitchen where her mother was icing a cake for her Dad’s upcoming birthday. her mother always liked to test out different cakes in order to make the perfect one she often times either gave the extra ones away or threw them out hence not coming out how she liked.

“hi mom” her mother gestured towards an empty chair for her to sit in and she complied.

“so how did it go? did you get it?”  

“Not exactly” she sighed. her mother stopped and placed the icing tube down on the counter. she turned towards her and raised and eyebrow urging her to go on. Betty told her what happened about how she had write an article and have it flawless in a month, and how she had no idea what to do.

“Betty, sweetheart, you’ll think of something i know you will” her mom prompted “you have to get that internship do you know how good that will look on your college resume”

“i know mom” she exclaimed as she got up from her seat “i’m headed over to pop’s i told veronica i’d meet her there after i came home” her mother’s lips formed a thin line in disapproval. Betty knew her mom wasn’t a fan of the Lodges but Betty didn’t care when it came to her mom it seemed she wasn’t a fan a lot of the families in this town.

As she walked into pops with the familiar ringing of the bell she smiled over towards her brunette friend and sat down at their usual booth. “Ah lo and behold my amazing best friend who i know scored a college level internship has finally arrived! i already ordered your favorite strawberry milkshake in celebration.” Veronica smiled proudly until she saw the frown on betty’s face “what’s wrong? you did get it didn’t you?”

“They weren’t sure if i could handle it so they gave me an assignment or a final test of sorts to see if i really have what it takes” she went into the details of how she couldn’t think of a single thing to write about or investigate, and Veronica went into a rant about how unfair, and idiotic they were and how her essay was the best ever. Betty calmed her down telling her it was okay and suggested they toss some ideas around.

“how about fashion do’s and don’t?”

“Veronica i already told you no fashion columns i’m no good at those!”

“How about you look into the blossoms see what they’re hiding!”

“absolutely not! That’s like asking for a death wish and plus the blossoms are too predictable they are the most known family on the northside it would be predictable to do yet another article on the blossoms” suddenly the bell rang again signalling another customer and veronica groaned loudly when she and betty saw who.

“those damn serpents, why do they have to come to our side of town!” veronica fumed. The southside serpents the most known gang in riverdale and known as a band of no good heathens looking for trouble especially the younger ones who show there faces around pops and the northside more often, and there in the middle of them all with his crown shaped beanie to fit his title was the serpent prince himself. Jughead Jones. his dad ran the gang and did a hell of a good job of it. His infamous son was a mystery to most. all anyone ever heard or knew of him was all the trouble him and his gang caused.

And that’s when it hit her, her prized story coming to mind.

“Veronica shhh” betty did her best to silence her very outspoken friend “i think i know what i want to write about”

Veronica switched her attention back to betty full force “don’t shh me i have a right to state my opinion!” she huffed “anyway what have you come up with?”

Betty bit her lip as she turned towards the serpent’s table and she immediately regretted it as her bright green eyes clashed with stunning stormy blue. she quickly turned away and answered in a low whisper “The Serpent prince himself” Betty hardly had time to stop her flamboyant best friend as she slammed her perfectly manicured hand on the table.

“Betty Cooper i think not!” she shouted turning all heads in the diner towards them. Betty pleaded with veronica with her eyes to stop being so loud and making a scene. Veronica caught it quick and stood up and pulled betty out of her seat. she dragged her to the door as she told her “we’ll see what Archibald has to say about this!” but it was too late betty had already made up her mind. Her story was going to be one of the biggest in riverdale. The inside scoop on the serpents and the truth behind there mystery prince. she was already forming an idea of how she’d sneak off to the southside and convince Jughead Jones to help her.

“sounds like bad news betts i agree with ronnie” Veronica gave a victorious smile and betty rolled her eyes as he tossed his football from one hand to the other.

they were currently at Archie’s house while his dad was at work sitting on the front steps. When Archie had seen his girlfriend dragging Betty and nagging he knew he was in for an earful. Veronica gave him her version of the story of how betty needed a great topic to write about, and told him her “horrendous” idea.

“you’re just saying that because she’s your girlfriend!” Betty said as she folded her arms and narrowed her eyes towards him.  

“am not!” he laughed “i’m serious betty those serpents are bad news and you know you can get carried away when it comes to your writing, you should keep it on the north side where you at least know your way around” Veronica was nodding in agreement which only made her more upset.

“Are you guys serious! the whole point of this paper is to dig deep into something i don’t know about, to add risk to my writing, i want venture out into unknown territory, i want this paper to be so amazing and unexpected and different from all the others i’ve ever written”

“I’ve heard he’s killed a man” Ronnie tried to protest.

“probably a rumor, but we’ll never know what’s true about him or what him and his gang is really like unless i do this”

“oh yeah!” Veronica replied sarcastically “because your just gonna waltz onto southside all like ‘hey guys i need to write my paper for my internship can you spill all of your secrets to me so i can expose them’ that sure is gonna work Betty!”

“i can go undercover!” at that point both of her friends were laughing at her and it made her blood boil “Fine then! go ahead and laugh but when i get my story you’ll see who’s laughing then!’ she began to walk back to her house as veronica and archie called out to her but she wasn’t listening. when she got inside she avoided her parents and ran to her room and started to plan how the hell she was going to get in with the Jones boy and his gang.

The Young Victoria starters
  • "Even a palace can be a prison."
  • "I was born the younger son/daughter of a penniless Duke."
  • "The two of us walking alone...what would mama/papa think."
  • "Hold still or I'll never get your nose right."
  • "You are impossible." (with affection)
  • "I walked."
  • "Is he/she that pretty in person."
  • "You still don't look well."
  • "We've accepted we're going."
  • "I'm not a servant."
  • "We do live in a palace mama/papa we're a lot better off than most people."
  • "He only wants what's best for you."
  • "How was your journey?"
  • "Do you ever feel like a chess piece yourself in a game being played against yourself?"
  • "Then you had better master the rules of the game until you play it better than they can."
  • "I know that it is to live alone inside your head."
  • "May I write to you?"
  • "Those boys pester you."
  • "Are you making a study of me?"
  • "He wants to control you."
  • "Oh, And if you think I will ever for get that you just stood silent and watched him treat me thus you are dreaming!"
  • "He's as slippery as a barrel full of eels."
  • "It will be her/his mistake not mine."
  • "Yes I like him/her...more than I dared hope."
  • "I pray you hear my voice in the music I send."
  • "I am young but I am willing to learn."
  • "I mean to devote my life in service of my country and my people."
  • "I can't marry the man/woman they want me to marry."
  • "You've played with me Baron and I've had enough."
  • "So, are you going to propose?"
  • "There's no need to apologize for being passionate."
  • "Don't look so surprised, a queen/king has many kinds of duties."
  • "We are allowed to make mistakes."
  • "Perhaps I am to young and inexperienced for my position."
  • "As you said before, 'You are stronger than you look'."
  • "You don't have a very high opinion of ordinary people do you?"
  • "I should have worn the red."
  • "I'm sure you are aware of why I asked you to come here?"
  • "I should warn you I am expecting a very large family."
  • "I cannot be away more than three days."
  • "Will the weather be this fine for all of the three days?"
  • "I will tell you what you thought!"
  • "Have you lost your mind?!"
  • "I will not have my rule usurped!"
  • "I wear
  • "If there are to be mistakes they will be my mistakes!"
  • "I'm leaving before you excite yourself and harm the child."
  • "You will go when I dismiss you!"
  • "I order you to stay here in this room!"
  • "There is no need for you to accompany me."
  • "I said I would come with you so I will come with you."
  • "Don't talk to me."
  • "The prince/princess needs rest."
  • "I'm so sorry."
  • "I thought I was going to lose you."
  • "I am replaceable and you are not."
  • "You're not replaceable to me."
  • "You're the only wife/husband I've got and ever will have."
  • "We are told the man was mad, I suppose that's reassuring."
  • "My guidance has always be flawless and I am sorry for it."
  • "He/she is able, he/she is clever, he/she is faithful."

Tonight I’m Falling.

I have not sat down and written something more than a paragraph in the longest time, and boy did it feel good to spend my Sunday doing just that. Inspired by the rain I woke up to this morning and continued to fall steady for the next 7 hours. Also, shoutout to April the Giraffe whose live feed I’ve been watching while I write. All mistakes are of my own accord. 

It is days like today, when the window is copping a hammering of sleet, the sky an unpromising dark grey, and people are huddled around the coffee maker or heater, praying the power doesn’t go out leaving them all chilled to the bone, that Erin Lindsay wishes she was somewhere far from Chicago. California perhaps. Though California has sand, and she’s not a huge aficionado of the tiny granules being in places they should definitely not be. 

Hearing movement in front of her desk, Erin drags her eyes away from the window and the world outside of the 21st, and smiles warmly, kindly – a stark contrast to what she was looking out at just moments ago – towards her partner, sleet crystallising his hair and his nose pink from the cold, who is placing a takeaway coffee cup in front of her, steam escaping the vent in the lid, and her smile grows knowing he’d asked for hers to be extra hot. Reaching for the cup, her smile deepens as the heat instantly warms her fingers. Taking a testing sip, she sighs in content as the warm liquid burns it way down her throat, warming her from the inside out. 

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The Bloodied Bouquet - Prelude

“It… it g-grew back today.”

The room went silent, the flame of the oil lamp on the floor somehow too faint to light as much as it should. Her shadow felt too long, as did her father’s, wavering and dancing as if with a mind of it’s own. Her father squeezed her hand tight in his, his fingers callused and knuckles gnarled from a lifetime of labor.

The air outside was still. The light from the house over didn’t reach their window.


“A-again… i-it, it’s the… it didn’t… I know I b-burned it, but it w-was the same size, a-and… and everything. It… it was… e-exactly t-the same.”

“In one day…”

“I-in one day.”

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To Share a Secret

The sickness was spreading all over her body. There was nothing Colette could do to stop it… But it was all her fault to begin with.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia
Characters/Pairing: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel
Rating: T+
Mirror Links: AO3,
Notes: An experimental fic (sorry), featuring themes of guilt, angst, and hurt/comfort. Because sometimes you just want to write that.

Colette first notices it when she is dressing one morning.

The patch of green blossoms over her left shoulder. It is barely the width of her finger and, at first, she thinks it to be a bruise. She brushes a nail against it, feeling the toughness of it, the miniscule cracks that cut through it disturbingly. It is not something she likes looking at.

If I just wash it, maybe it’ll go away. So she takes a sponge, dips it in water and soap, and scrubs as hard as she can. The patch remains there, like a lone oasis in a desert. But it doesn’t make her feel any better to think of it that way, because it still itches and makes her skin stiff.

“Colette?” someone calls from outside the inn door. “We’ll be leaving soon. Are you ready?”

She quickly dons her overcoat, and brushes her long hair over her shoulders. Nothing could be seen, nothing could even be suspected. She keeps her eyes on the crystal bound with her neck, and the necklace that hangs over it - the necklace that Lloyd had given her.

“I’ll be right out, Professor!” she responds. She takes a deep breath, and puts on her smile. Her friends have already gone through so much to save her. She doesn’t need to worry them anymore.

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101 Things To Do With Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend

 1. Watch the sunset together. 
 2. Take showers together. 
 3. Back rubs/massages. 
 4. Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark 
 or w/blacklight. 
 5. French Kiss. 
 6. Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt. 
 7. Whisper to each other. 
 8. Cook for each other 
 9. Skinny dip. 
10. Make out in the rain. 
11. Dress each other. 
12. Undress each other. 
13. Kiss every part of their body. 
14. Hold hands. 
15. Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each other *not sex)
16. One word *Foreplay 
17. Sit and talk in just underwear. 
18. Buy gifts for each other. 
19. Roses. 
20. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it
 every time you*re together. 
21. Wear his clothes. 
22. Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars. 
23. Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make great for sex (cuddling) 
24. Kiss at every chance you get. 
25. Don*t wear underwear and let them find out. 
26. Kinky is bad*Blindfolds are good. 
27. Lightly kiss their collarbone and their 
jawbone just below the ear,then whisper I love you. 
28. Bubble baths. 
29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight. 
30. Make love. 
31. Write poetry for each other. 
32. Kiss/smell her hair. 
33. Hugs are the universal medicine. 
34. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make 
sure they know you mean it. 
35. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc. 
36. Tell her that she*s the only girl you ever want. 
Don*t lie. 
37. Spend every second possible together. 
38. Tell her that she doesn*t have to do anything she doesn*t want to. And mean it. 
39. Look into each other*s eyes. 
40. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her,and kiss her lightly. 
41. Talk to each other using only body language and your eyes. 
42. When in public, only flirt w/ each other. 
43. Walk behind her and put your hands in her front pockets. 
44. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren*t looking. 
45. Clothes are no fun. 
46. Buy her a ring. 
47. Keep one of her bras somewhere where you see it everyday. 
48. Sing to each other. 
49. Read to each other. 
50. PDA = Public Display of Affection. 
51. Take advantage of any time alone together. 
52. Tell her about how you answered every question in math with her name. 
53. Draw. (If you can) 
54. Let her sit on your lap. 
55. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or on a mountain. 
56. Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and fingers, and cheeks,and collarbones, and hands, and ears. 
57. Kiss her stomach. 
58. Always hold her around her hips/sides. 
59. Guys like half-shirts. 
60. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal. 
61. Spaghetti* (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?) 
62. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart. 
63. Unless you can feel their heart beating, you aren't close enough. 
64. Dance together. 
65. Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make love. 
66. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap. 
67. Carry her to bed. 
68. Waterbeds are fun. 
69. You figure it out. 
70. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it. 
71. Break every one of your parent*s relationship rules for them. 
72. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes 
73. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you. 
74. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them. 
75. Remember your dreams and tell her about them. 
76. Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few hours. 
77. Ride home and call them. 
78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears. 
79. Somehow incorporate them into any kind of religion or worship you have. 
80. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points) 
81. Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not necessarily sexual) 
82. Brush her hair out of her face for her. 
83. Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be sweet to them. 
84. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points) 
85. Go to church/pray/worship together. 
86. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked. 
87. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night. 
88. Learn from each other and don*t make the same mistake twice. 
89. Everyone deserves a second chance. 
90. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her. 
91. Make sacrifices for each other. 
92. Really love each other, or don*t stay together. 
93. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in love, etc. and give it to them. 
94. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren*t thinking about them, and make sure they know it. 
95. Love yourself before you love anyone else. 
96. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages. 
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio. 
98. Fall asleep on the phone with each other. 
99. Sleep naked together. 
100. Stand up for them when someone talks trash. 
101. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, “Sweet dreams." 

Tonight is the night I bury my tongue
six feet under
to serve it’s rightful time if nothing else
mark it with a stone the size of a heart
or maybe double that
and cracked in two
it will scream
it will scream and claw and shake the very earth
and I pray I have the strength to leave it there
until days turn into months
and the dark quiets the quiet even further
with out it I will be left with only smiles
lips pulled back
teeth between space and yet more space
letting out all the light
nothing in the way
nothing with which to make mistakes
nothing clumsy
only hands to speak with
hands are careful
and reliable
hands are not expected to react
more quickly than the mind can
—  A.O.A.M. || Hush

We all know that Scott Gimple rewrote Andrea’s death to make it more satisfying, allowing her to say goodbye and see Michonne one last time. Even though this is a show where people die unexpectedly and without reason, it is also a fictional show – meaning that not everything is always going to be realistic, nor does it need to be. Losing characters is a necessary part of this show, but that doesn’t mean the writers can give us empty deaths. There is a certain amount of trust between the fans and the writers, and the writers have broken that trust. Beth’s death was abrupt, seemingly pointless, and was written as an afterthought. It was almost like the writers wanted to give a big “screw you” to all the Beth fans by giving us the most unsatisfying and ridiculous death I have ever seen on any television show.

Gimple did everything in his power to try and give Andrea a more satisfying death after Glen Mazzara was fired. He witnessed firsthand how AMC is completely capable of firing show runners if they make a mistake. Knowing this, I have a hard time believing that Gimple would allow Beth to die in such a hollow, meaningless way. If Beth is truly dead, there were so many other ways her death could’ve been written to make it less frustrating and confounding.

First, she didn’t get any sort of reunion with anyone. Some people might believe otherwise, but we didn’t get a Bethyl reunion. I’m sorry, but I’m not counting that pat on the back as a reunion. They were in the middle of a hostage exchange, so they couldn’t exactly have the reunion a lot of us wanted. Secondly, if I could use one word to describe her death, I would say her death felt contrived. It came out of left field, and felt so damn out of character. It was clearly forced and deliberately orchestrated, rather than her death happening genuinely or naturally. Her death was unbelievable – not because it was shocking, but because it was so awkward and so out of character that I didn’t buy that piece of shit for a second.

Like everyone else, I was extremely disappointed and furious with Gimple after the midseason-finale. But at the same time, I want to believe that he knows what he’s doing. He should’ve learned from the mistakes of his predecessors, rather than fall victim to those mistakes. I have a hard time accepting that after rewriting Andrea’s death, he would do the complete opposite with Beth by giving her such an unsatisfying death. Unless… She’s actually alive, and giving her a frustrating “death” will make her return that much more meaningful and poignant. That would also mean that the real Bethyl reunion, the one we’ve all been waiting for, simply hasn’t happened yet. The real Bethyl reunion will be that much more moving and emotional when it does happen. I’m praying that there is something larger at play here, rather than her death simply being an example of poor writing and poor execution. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough.


1. I’ll devour books. Word by word, line by line, page by page. I’ll taste the words the writer spit out for me. Only, for me.

2. I will exhaust myself with kindness. I will forget about all the good that I’ve ever done and then do more to compensate.

3. I’ll run until my thoughts gasp breathless – not being able to keep up with me. Good, I’ll enjoy my void.

4. I will not give up on myself. I will love myself so much, you’ll have no other choice but to love me too.

5. I’ll write everyday, I’ll write for myself. And my readers. I’ll write until I drown and then I’ll save myself with words.

6. I’ll pray to music. The old gods and the new. Music will be my religion and I’ll find new ways to worship it.

7. More hugs. Hug my dog. My family. My friends. I will hug the strangers I fall in love with and I will hug them through the screen.

8. I’ll allow myself mistakes. I’m not perfect. And I’ll never strive to be perfect. But I’ll strive to be better; to be easier to love.

9. My memories will not collect dust. I will find the hiding spots, cabinets and hearts, drawers and photographs. It’ll be spring cleaning for my soul.

10. I’ll be brave. I’ll scare myself with my dreams. And then, who needs sleep when you can watch the sun rise.

11. I was born to dance. So I’ll dance without an audience, without a reason. I’ll dance to exist.

-Mahima/महिमा, This Year Will Be Different

I tweeted this last night and people got upset: The Benghazi Paradox is that Fox News, Darrell Issa & co. are sincerely, genuinely happy that people died & everyone can smell that.

A lot of people are “upset” about it. I put upset in quotes because as much as I enjoy Twitter I don’t really view writing 140 characters and hitting “send” to be an expression of any kind of serious human emotion.

Anyone mad about it should read more carefully. I said Darrell Issa (Congress’s wealthiest member) and Fox News (one publicly traded company) are glad that these four specific Americans died at the US embassy compound in Benghazi. I wish that weren’t true, but I believe it to be, due to their behavior. I didn’t say, “You, reading this, are glad these people are dead” or “I’m glad they’re dead.” I am not. It is very sad and very bad, for them and more importantly (now) for their families.  

I also don’t think Darrell Issa or Fox News President Roger Ailes would go back in time and pull a trigger or push a button to kill these people. I do not equate them with killers; I equate them with vultures. Or ghouls. Much like CNN, in their coverage of the Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370, are vultures/ghouls. (Also, it is instructive that all the jokes I made about CNN’s GLEEFUL coverage of the missing plane, which claimed 239 lives, didn’t draw the ire [or agreement] this Benghazi tweet did.) CNN’s top brass is aggressively milking a weeping, emaciated tragedy cow in an effort to get more money from advertisers and command ratings share. Their coverage, after a few days - hell; let’s give them two weeks, should have concluded with: “The ocean remains inconceivably large. Mankind has not mastered the sky. Let us now pray for the souls of those lost and help their families in any possible way.”

I also didn’t tweet that Obama and Hillary Clinton are above scrutiny. Wow oh wow are they not. I don’t care about them or who hassles them or makes their lives difficult or doesn’t. I’m not a Democrat, even though people mistake my support of the Affordable Care Act (whose assets I hope continue to get more and more people coverage, and whose liabilities I hope will lead this magnificent nation to its destiny of Single Payer Health Care before I’m a grandfather) with being a Democrat. I shudder at the thought. I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than identifying as a Republican or Democrat or liberal or conservative in the Year of Our Lord 2014, when those words’ value hovers a little below zero.

I’m saying your average consumer of news can smell when something is rotten. Like Jesus turned water into wine, Darrell Issa, Fox News, CNN and others attempt a blacker transmogrification; that of precious human blood into stacks of hundred dollar bills. I suppose I wrote “smell” in the offending tweet because the olfactory system is one of the oldest parts of the human brain. It’s the older parts of the brain that know there are things worth exploring beneath the words. Talk, as it were, is cheap.

Even writing this blog post doesn’t really matter and I don’t expect to change minds. I would just encourage people to read things a little closer. And I would urge people to examine WHY people do things. Motives offer clues, always. 

23:34 May 20 - Hillary [G+post]

Good evening.


The preliminary results for the Senbatsu Sousenkyo were announced today.
Sashihara-san came in 1st!
Congratulations to you!

And congratulations to those in the 12th gen who ranked in too
Karen, Yuuka, Miyupon, Juri, Yuka and Tomu!!!!


My name was called during the preliminaries last year.

I was so happy, it felt like a dream that you all gave me
It had since then become a very treasured memory of mine.

This year too, I wanted to feel the joy and prayed
to bring it to everyone who supported me too….

But sadly I was not called out this year.


I am very upset right now.
I am very upset that my name was not
called out during the preliminaries,
am very sorry to the fans who have rushed 
so hard just to vote for me,
and very disappointed in myself that amongst 
the whole of the 12th gen, I am the only
one who did not rank in.


This is still only the preliminaries.

I have not given up yet!!!


The first time I stood on the theater stage,

I could not understand what everyone else were saying during the MC.

I could not dance at all, and even though I stayed back to practice I was still far behind everyone else.

Even for the mobile site diary, I have to spend 3 hours a day 5 days in advance to write it out otherwise I would not be able to make it.

I was not able to express what I really felt effectively during the handshake events.

But I am now able to understand what everyone’s saying and I’ve gotten more confident in my skill in dancing too.

Writing a piece like this might still take longer than others do but I’ve been able to write fast and not make a mistake now.

And I believe I’ve been able to express what I’m feeling to all of you.

Bit by bit, step by step.

I am sorry for being slow.

I’ve done nothing but cause worry to all of you.



I may be the last of the 12th gen but
I will one day reach the rest of them.

I strongly believe in that.


That’s why on the 6th of June,
I pray that I will be able to be on that stage
to cry happily with all of you
I will do my best tomorrow so
I ask of you not to give up, and to follow me.

A dream shared with you, on that stage.


anonymous asked:

I feel so helpless and I want to die and I try so hard to find happiness but it's so hard. I don't know what to do Isaac

im sorry to hear that. there’s a lot to be happy for in this world and im sure theres big blessings in your life but when youre sad or under the weather its hard to see those bc you can only think about how much everything sucks and that mindset perpetuates and you turn a blind eye to things that should be bringing you joy. 

remember that even if today sucks, even if you failed a final or broke up with your significant other or made an embarrassing mistake or got yelled at, there’s always tomorrow and the worse today is, the more chance tomorrow will be better. 

its tough right now, but dont give up. you’ll find happiness again. maybe practice writing something youre happy for daily. it might be forced at first but it’ll make you start looking for the little things. ill be praying for ya, friend


So it`s 7th of June, Sunday, and I finally decided to talk about my studies. School ended like 10 days ago, the most of my exams are done. Maths was easier than I expected and today there are results, but infortunately I`m not able to check them out because of some technical problems. But I`m sure I`ll manage to do this as soon as possible. 

Russian exam was quite easy but I think that I`ve totally failed the essay part. I was too nervous and tried to hurry up. I`ve already found one mistake and there are probably more of them.

English exam was easy as well and I probably will gain all the points for writing part. BUT the speaking part was just awful. I was nervous and tried to tell more than was needed, and I hurried as well and the whole speech was a mess. 

All in all, I`m just praying for good results as I need 5 (A) in all these three subjects, yeah.

Now I`m into preparation for my history exam on 17th of June. And I have 10 days to learn ALL the 20th century. The most horryfing things are Civil War (1917-21) and the 90s. I really need some luck and moral support)

Alive and Kicking!

Long-term relationships are the hardest but the most wonderful. It was never easy for us, it has been a rocky road relationship - there are fights that we thought we could not handle but here we are, still kicking!

I guess what we’ve been through was enough to prove our love for each other. Other people may question us, on how we’ve come this far. Others may judge us. But hey, you never know the whole story! Who are you to judge?

Our relationship was never perfect, we never doubt this thing. Viko and I made mistakes, a lot. We fought and we are argue. We get jealous. The trust we have for each other was tested with every temptations. And I know there’s more to come, but there’s nothing to be afraid of because we both know that we got each others back.

I just pray to God to give us the courage to fight no matter what challenge he throws on us, to give us the virtue of understanding no matter how hard it is, and that we may be able to accept each other because that is what love is, a continous acceptance.

We’re still writing our love story - still on the fourth chapter. Its a bit dramatic, a bit chaotic, but its fun and wonderful. It is a beautiful mess..

P.S. There’s nothing special this day, I just feel like writing about us. 😊