pouring my heart out

Sacriliage

My

darling

darling

dear.

I shall plunge my claws deep inside you.

And pull out your heart.

and pour it on my tongue and then bite down.

And you shall writhe and scream and

call out mercy.

But I shall

swallow you whole.

Your love.

Your pain.

All of you.

All of you.

You see we have walked these halls of shattered mirrors

Holding hands.

And now

They can not take our crown.

Or you

from me

again.

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays to all of my lovely, wonderful , beautiful , amazing followers. I am beyond grateful to be graced with the comfort of all of you in my life whether it be through a computer screen or not you have all helped me through a lot and cheered me up when I needed it most. You’ve witnessed my ups and downs and I appreciate those who have stood by me all this time. I know this is just tumblr and it’s not that important , but you all are very important and special to me. This year has been tough and a lot has changed for the better and for the worst. In the end I am pleased to say I am still beyond thankful for all of you and what I have accomplished this year with the help of you guys. Thanks again! Hope you all have a wonderful day :) you deserve it.

anonymous asked:

If you don't mind talking about it, why did you leave vet school?

First off, you are totally fine asking about it.  It would make me a jerk if I talked about it like I did earlier and then didn’t expect to receive questions and get mad about it when people inevitably did.  Honestly, the more I talk about it, the better it feels.  So ask me questions–lots and lots of questions. :)

I don’t really know what you know about veterinary school to start this conversation, so I’m just going to launch in at the beginning–and sorry if I’m telling you things you already know.  Professional graduate programs, like for physicians, optometrists, veterinarians, etc., are hell.  They’re highly competitive and that’s just to get in.  Afterward, you go through some sort of university-sanctioned variant of hazing because all of your professors went through hell to be vets and they’re going to make damn sure you suffer, too.  So seriously, next time you see someone who made it through a professional program, you should hug them because it takes a special kind of person to survive it.

But, to answer your question, there are a lot of reasons I walked away.

My experience is from the infamous University of Missouri at Columbia, so I don’t really know how it applies to other vet schools.  They have a 2+2 program, where you spend two years in the classroom and two years in a teaching hospital, as opposed to the traditional 3+1 program.  So basically, my semesters were in eight-week blocks.  When you’re carrying 18 hours (US tradition is 15 in undergrad, more like 12 in grad school), that’s twice the intensity.

I was in class five days a week, usually from 8 to 5 with an hour for lunch.  I was taking cell biology, physiology, gross anatomy, microscopic anatomy, and neuroscience.  Four of those had labs, which functioned like independent classes.  I met their requirements for pre-req classes, but yet I’d never had histology, physiology, or an anatomy class that compared to this one before.  I was completely out of my element.

Which would have been fine–provided my instructors could actually teach.  See, here’s the problem at MU:  all the science professors are there to do research first and foremost.  Very few of them actually want to teach.  It was more like a guest lecture series than an actual classroom.  There was no homework, but constant tests–outside of class time.  So it wasn’t uncommon to be at the vet school at 7:00 in the morning for a test, and then you’d stay in the anatomy lab with a cadaver after you finished at 5:00 pm, so it wasn’t unrealistic to expect 12 hours at the school at one time.

That would have been okay, too, under normal circumstances, but you’d go home and you’d do nothing but study from the time you got home to the time you went to bed.  Every. Day.  No escape.  I usually stayed up until midnight or one to just try and cover everything, then wake up again at five and do it again, weekends included.  I couldn’t afford the luxury of sleep.

And the tests were insane.  You probably know how tests are supposed to go–general concepts and ideas.  There, it was more like, “This thing I mentioned one time on the first day of class?  Tell me everything science knows about it.”  And you can generally adapt your learning style to an instructor–except we changed instructors every so often because it was about teaching their specialties.  Which keeps you off balance.

No homework, either.  That sounds great, in theory, but usually homework makes up a pretty good percentage of your grade–between 25% and 60%, depending on your instructor.  It was rare to have a class that had a percentage value of homework as higher than 5%.  And despite how much we complain about homework, it helps to reinforce what you’re learning in class, and it also allows some wiggle room for people who don’t test well because of anxiety or things like that.

Now, I graduated valedictorian of my high school class.  I graduated magna cum laude with a 3.75 GPA in a science curriculum, and I got into vet school for God’s sake–arguably, the hardest professional program to get into.  I say this not to brag, but to reinforce the fact that I am not the kind of person who struggles with academia, by any stretch of the imagination.  And I failed more tests than I passed in vet school.

That piled on the pressure, too.  Because, at MU, it’s sink-or-swim.  You fail a class, they kick you out.  You rack up 9 hours worth of D’s, they kick you out.  You fall below a 2.0 GPA and can’t bring it up within the allotted time–guess what?  They kick you out.  There’s no mercy and no respite.  So all the time you’re failing and struggling, you keep playing this in the back of your head every time you get a bad test score.  Sure, you can go beg in front of a council of instructors for another shot, but you’d start all the way at the beginning again–and it doesn’t matter what your other grades are; you have to repeat everything.  Which is $12,000 more down the drain–and did I mention I do not have this kind of money, anyway?

I handle stress incredibly well.  I work well under pressure.  But yet I was so nervous and so stressed that my hair was falling out.  I broke out in painful hives every other day.  I battled migraines all the time.  And this is probably more than you wanted to know, but the stress even affected my periods; I had the worst period cramps of life during the four months I was there.  They were so bad that I spent hours on my couch moaning because I couldn’t do anything else until the Motrin kicked in.

I was so stressed out that it was adversely affecting my health.

So I finished the semester anyway–because once I start something, I finish it.  I made it through December, and I had two options:  I could say, “enough is enough,” and walk away; or I could go back for six more months of the same misery, this time with 19 hours and already weary.  One of the veterinarians I once worked for told me once, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Going back to Mizzou would have been insanity.

I’m sure someone along the line will interpret this as me being bitter, as me hating Mizzou, or will read this and think, “God, what a horrible school.”  It’s not any of those things.  They graduate 100 veterinarians every year–I’m sure they’re doing something right.  They just weren’t right for me.  My learning style and their teaching style weren’t conducive to one another.  I did everything I knew how to do to try and change things, but, if I was going to succeed, some of the change would have had to come from them, too.  And let’s face it–they’re not going to change for one person.  Because, see, the great thing about vet school is there’s always someone willing to take your spot.

I have never wanted to be anything but a veterinarian.  I still haven’t given up on it, even though I’m hesitant now because once bitten, twice shy.  And I love working in veterinary offices.  I have never wanted anything but to get into vet school, and it was so horrible that I walked away from everything I ever wanted.  And maybe, just maybe, one day I won’t hate myself for it.

Logically, I know I made the right choice, but emotionally, I threw in the towel on my dream.  The one thing I’ve ever wanted.  Everything I’ve done is so I can get into vet school and be a veterinarian.  And it just hurts to love something so much and have it hate you.

I don’t have enough to transfer to another vet school, so I’m picking up some re-reqs for other schools and I was an inch away from a biology minor, so I’m picking that up, too.  And I have no idea what I’m going to do from there; I just know it’s going to be in the veterinary field somewhere.

So I am going to be 24 years old in April and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  :P  And it’s scary, and it’s exciting, and it’s terrible, and it’s wonderful.  Because yes, I’m giving up on the grand dream, but maybe the next one will be more realistic and maybe it’ll give me the opportunity to do things I never would have considered before.

I know that’s more than what you asked, but once I got on a roll, I just kind of went from there. :P  Thanks for asking, and if you–or anyone else out there–wants to know more about veterinary medicine from someone who has actually gone through the application process and gotten in, please feel free to ask.  It wasn’t so long ago that I don’t remember what the application nightmare process was like, and with the VMCAS (vet school application) opening in May, I’m sure there are a lot of people with questions.  I remember being so lost and my adviser didn’t know what to do, and I just stressed through the last month of the application. 

I promise I’m not usually this melancholy. ;)

Before when Hunter said he likes the songs that just came out of him that are written and produced quickly i didnt really understand what he meant. but last night i was very angry and i was just pouring my heart into words and now i understand what he means. When it comes out of you feel like it was just meant to happen and you don’t over think it. it just feels right. :)

times II.

no where is safe
not even a park to let the adolescent play
no one is awake
I’m sleeping through my days
waiting for this faze
of cops full hate
and young white boys getting away with rape
to finally sedate

— AN ©

READ ME

This is for the Anon who asked me about the things that I do to make myself happy.

Eep baby I am so constantly changing that it’s hard to say many specific things that can hold my attention and happiness for long! But truthfully, what I’ve found has kept me happy, light and balanced has been a complete and utter change of my mental lifestyle. I started getting really heavily into yoga and my spirituality, reading a lot of books and articles about the Self and how to achieve and master it, and just embracing how powerful your mind really truly is. About two years ago when I went through a break up it completely destroyed me. I was moping about it for months, and though I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that it was two different people and perhaps two different relationships, my past break up (which I was left, in a pretty careless way) I handled my grief and pain so much healthier. I refused to see sadness as a weakness or something that was unhealthy, and I learned to channel it into getting myself into a work out schedule, a gym membership, working on sculpting and molding the body I have into the body I want. It’s really just such an empty shell of our conscious selves and it’s so possible to transform and define it however you’d like. It might sound a little too appearance-oriented but I think being comfortable in your own body gets rid of a lot of that sadness from break ups that you feel you might never discover anyone new. I choose to see life gently and treat it that way.

I read a lot, and I’ve found in the past and especially today it’s been a huge factor in helping me through things that would normally tear me apart. There is this book I’m currently reading (dissecting basically) called “On Love” by Alain de Botton, and let me tell you I am the type of person who loves too heavily. I love in a way I think that overwhelms a lot of people, and a lot of people love very shallow-y nowadays, not everyone mind you, and I’ve also discovered through my last relationship that just not everyone loves the same. Some gestures can inflict love on someone and it could mean hardly a thing at all to someone else. I think it’s important to be with someone who loves the way you do, with the intensity that you do, so that you never feel misunderstood or like you are too overbearing. It’s like a language barrier if you cannot communicate the love you want to give to someone, knowing that they aren’t fully comprehending it or maybe not at all will just leave you feeling empty, and quiet about your love. And it’s not something to be quiet about. But anyways, this book by Botton has been my fucking bible, literally. I carry it around everywhere with me, I have pages dog-eared, things underlined, written in margins, I’m completely sucking it dry of everything it owns because through this book I honestly feel like I’m understood. And that’s so silly because the author has no idea who I am, and did not write this book in any way for me, but I feel that when I’m reading it I relate to it so often and find myself having thought nearly everything that’s there, and it’s basically just a guy who falls in love with this girl, and is completely over-analytical about every phase of the relationship, silently. It’s just all of his thoughts and over analyzations and despairs and it’s just an incredibly moving book to me. Books that you can lose or more importantly find yourself in I feel can make a huge difference on the way you perceive yourself, because the way you are or feel is never anything to be ashamed of.

I am that cozy girl, I find happiness so easily in curling up with down blankets in a chilly room and watching movies with Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum to just ache over. I like being a homebody sometimes, blogging, watching my shows, making hot chocolate or chai tea lattes, reading Cosmo (guilty 4real), taking a bubble bath, finding new music to touch places no other music has. Gentle things like that. I think it’s important to treat yourself lightly like that. Buy some candles. Clean your room, paint your nails, make a homemade facemask, pamper yourself. Everyone needs those princess nights okay.

I think that a lot of my happiness also stems from the fact that I put my love into things so easily and quickly, and leave them just the same. I adopt so many hobbies constantly over the days, just yesterday I was out with my foster mum and we walked past all of these outdoor flowers for sale and I decided I wanted to plant a garden. I’ve never gardened before, I know nothing about flowers, but now I just have this obsession and craving and need to learn as much as I can, and let it consume me. I’ve been making high wasted shorts, occasionally I’ll spend hours on a single sketch, or weeks making different homemade cupcakes for each one, just indulging. I’ll make bracelets, I learned to knit over the holidays, and like I said before I’ve gotten into yoga and a lot of spiritual things. I don’t know. I just think it’s vital to suck the richness out of life wherever you can find it. Not to get too attached, to be selfish with it, to draw from it what you need and let it go in an instant when you’ve gotten from it all you can. To change your mind. To try things out. To kiss cute boys. To appreciate and realize that the mind is everything and everything is your mind.

Sometimes I think everyone faces some weakness when it comes to relationships or interests in that it’s easy to find ourselves losing our sense of nurturing and taking care of ourselves. We lose that in other people. And to an extent it’s okay. But I also think that while we’re young it’s crazy to try and hold yourself down too seriously, unless that person is in fact healthy for you and the two of you are other-worldly happy together, I’d never deny that. But after being broken up with, even just within the first few days of being a miserable little thing, I remember thinking to myself why the hell are you letting this happen? You’re young, no boy has ever been turned-off or opposed to the way you look even if you are constantly comparing yourself to who you find better than yourself in a way to better yourself and making it as an inspiration , you have the opportunity to go out and meet people and feed on them and let them feed on you and just gain knowledge and experience that is so essential to leading a full life that it’s insane. A lot of people look down on things like casual sex and it’s not something I’ll ever understand, too often people are labeled as a “slut” or a “whore” for engaging in something that’s just so strictly physical and pleasurable, and that seems asinine to me. Sex can be so deliciously physical and emotional, it all depends what you make it, what you want from it, what you bring to it. But having a casual thing with someone, with no obligations, without having to wake up and love that person, being able to enjoy yourself and such a natural and great feeling and going home to the comfort of your own bed afterward - mind you being safe about it ok no gross guys/girls you couldn’t trust doing things with. I couldn’t hook up with a random stranger, I couldn’t sleep with someone after a first date with them, but I don’t think it’s wrong to let yourself experience what you want to, without attachments, without grief, without guilt, without expectations. To embrace your body and discover someone elses in the rawest context. I think it’s incredible, and so ridiculously healthy if you handle it in the right ways. There are millions of cute boys out there okay, go after them. Stop holding yourself back. Especially ones you so rarely see, or may never see again. Just find confidence from somewhere dig it up and let it burst even if it’s just for a few seconds or you feel incredibly foolish afterwards. I’ve never once regretted it.

I don’t know man. I just really am a happy person and it has a lot to do with the things I’ve taught myself over the past year, the things I’ve learned from heartache, the things I’ve learned from being my own friend, taking care of myself, to dealing with losses, physically and emotionally. I guess all I can really say is embrace whatever comes to you, and what doesn’t, go after it. Don’t let things go if you want them. Pursue a new hobby. Don’t worry about talent or competition. Work on your body the way you want to. Get it to how you want it to be. Grow into the person you want to become, it doesn’t need to be some sort of wish you have for yourself because you can do it right now. Surround yourself with babes, with good company, get rid of shitty friends even if it means having none left. Spend time with yourself.

Ugh just do everything.

Of Talent and of Twinkling Eyes

I have tried to put my love for Madhuri Dixit and reasons for this love into words a countless times before, yet always it seems there is something left, something I missed out. Or perhaps I am simply just discovering more and more things that only add to who she is and what she represents.

Most recently she has started the sixth season of popular dance show Jhalak Dikhla Ja. I personally do not really care for the show. Most of the times I find myself skipping performances of the contestants entirely, just to catch a glimpse of Madhuri, spreading her joy and positivity all around. The absolute highlights are always the moments when she herself decides to dance. Through the previous seasons she gave us a medley of her hit numbers, an energetic remix of Ek Do Teen and Tamma Tamma under the direction of her fellow judge Remo D´Souza, we saw her dance to Udi and last autumn she showed us a perfect Lavani. However this time Jhalak got even bigger, when renowned Pandit Birju Maharaj, hailed by many as the best Kathak dancer in the world, gave his consent and performed with Madhuri to some beautiful, classic songs.

It was at that moment, as I watched the two of them completely absorbed by the dance and love for their art, when I was, yet again, just overwhelmed with who Madhuri is. An artist, one that is not restricted to one form or another. Talents seem to come together and mingle within her, finding her a perfect medium through which they can reach out to the world. It is not just her ability to dance, which made her possibly the most cherished and admired dancer India has ever had, it is not even her acting, which with years only got more refined and brought her countless awards and critical acclaim. Everything she does seem to be, in its basic form, artistic. Just watch her in behind the scenes videos, attending premiers and award shows, or even as a judge on Jhalak. There is an inborn grace, an effortless charm. Within seconds she is able to slip into a role if situation requires it. Without thinking she can change her attitude, body language, manner of speech. She will start singing without inhibitions and rarely will you hear anyone recite poetry with so much feeling and passion. All this however, is not prepared or thought of before hand, and she remains unaware, for most part, of all this. Because to her it is natural. It is only logical that other artists be attracted towards her, and so she is connected with so many prolific names. Painters, poets, photographers and of course filmmakers have been flocking around her for years, claiming her to be their greatest source of inspiration and a muse. Something that would easily makes others over-confident and proud, but Madhuri would always just thank and blush. The simplicity of her manner would not change, even more earnestness and dedication would be put to the cause of self-improvement, the calmness and peace in her eyes remaining undisturbed.

„Piyaa Tose Nainaa Laage Re, Nainaa Laage Re. Jaane Kyaa Ho Ab Aage Re,“ sounded through the room in young Lata Mangeshkar´s voice and Madhuri, her hair in a braid, her eyes, sparkling with eagerness and joy, emoted and danced to this famous Waheeda Rehman number, before Birju Maharaj joined her on the stage. Madhuri was not only paying a tribute to the legendary artist, but at the same time reaching out to the past and closing the gap between then and now – an artist, who would be relevant in any day and age. Just day before she grooved with 16 years younger Ranbir Kapoor to Ghagra, a special appearance song from Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, which was as contemporary as one could imagine. Defying myths and challenging sexist and ageist stereotypes, whose grip on Bollywood audience is still going strong, here is a woman, who shows everyone that being feminine, seductive, beautiful and above all desirable is not something reserved only for young, unmarried girls. We could argue about quality of the song, choreography or the sets, but fact remains Ghagra is a resounding success.

One could argue Madhuri has no need for doing cameos, item numbers or TV shows, that it only contributes to over-exposion, which is never good. And it would all be true. She does not need to do anything to sustain her status of mega star. Her name is still making headlines no matter what she does. She is a reference point and inspiration for many top actresses and actors, and every few months you can read about „recreating Madhuri´s magic“ (needless to say all these attempts have failed so far). But this is Madhuri Dixit, one of the women who are good daughters, wives and mothers, and at the same time they are simply women, who have their own ambitions, desires and who are ready to take a challenge, to create and achieve something on their own merit. She doesn´t need to. She wants to. And she can. She is back in the film industry and she is back with everything that comes with it. She is am ambassador of several well-known brands, she is a part of a hugely successful TV show, which became as synonymous with her name as KBC is with Mr. Bachchan´s, she has two films coming, shielded by top producers and filmmakers, she has connected with her fans through the internet and actually made effort to give back to them as much as possible, which includes her online dance academy, which is open to absolutely everybody and charges no fees. She has given her support to the project of saving animals and enviroment, and while she keeps quiet on her charity activities, they are very much there.

Madhuri Dixit is an artist and an icon. An inspiration. You cannot dismiss her with a simple label of „actor“ or „dancer“. She is a complex person, an achiever. She seems larger than life and untouchable, and at the same time there is nothing intimidating about her. She can be glamorous, but simplicity suits her best. Perhaps there are better actors, perhaps there are better dancers, there may be women more beautiful and even women of grander stature. But only few can match up to Madhuri Dixit. An artist who lives her art for joy, a talent always set on things to come, a warm heart ever ready to spread some love.

I have reached the end of my thoughts now. And yet I already know there is more, so much more that I cannot put into words, at least not yet. Madhuri Dixit is, after all, ever changing, always reinventing herself and always surprising us. She will again. Her eyes sparkling, eager and excited. And I will be again left wondering in amazement.

Okay but can we please talk like - A LOT MORE - about the obvious pro-feminism in ACOMAF and TOG? Like … Yes, I’ve seen the feminist quotes from Rhys everywhere, and a couple rants about Sarah herself here and there and her feminist hints, but PLEASE just let me pour my heart and soul out here about the amazing world of reality that she slammed us into with her not real world. K. In throne of glass the very first up close and personal Courtesan we are introduced to is Archer Finn. “ I may be a whore but I’m not a traitor!” Can I just say how much I appreciate the fact that we were shown full-force that when we hear the word “whore, courtesan, blah blah blah” we think automatically of a girl. Never a guy. But believe it or not, they do exist, human sex trafficking in our world will take anyone, from the exceptionally pretty high school girl to the four year old little boy in the grocery store with pretty blue eyes and kidnap and train them for sex. Women are not the only sex valued humans in this world, and definitely not the only sex workers out there. ACOMAF: Rhys was raped and abused for 50 FUCKING YEARS by a woman. What Feyre went through was only a HINT of the horror that Rhys endured for his people, and he didn’t have a dark sexy savior to appear out of the shadows either, no, he had to wait a WHILE. And it fucked him up. I think that we are going to see how much it may have truly fucked him up in the next book and then some. Next. Cassian is trying to start a group of FEMALE Illyrian warriors and it’s hard and it’s sad because hardly any of them have ever had a chance and it’s going to be a super long and strenuous change for the way that they were treated for THOUSANDS of years. And it pulls my heart strings because GUYS we are in that transition still! Women still aren’t allowed to fight on the front lines in the US because it BOTHERS people, by people I mean mainly men. Because we are the baby makers, we are the ones who “ if shit happens” we are the backup to breed more soldiers. We are not fit or even thought of when it comes to protecting our own land and loved ones. Maybe the women of the Illyrians wings being cut off is a metaphor for something … And what about this? Why is it just so simply spectacular to be pulled into this world of wanting equality ? Celaena gave quite a shock to anyone who found out that she was a girl because they expected a male assassin. Amren is this little slight of a female who likes to collect jewelry but NO ONE will fuck with that little spitfire, aka, ANCIENT AND POWERFUL BEING FROM ANOTHER WORLD. Cassian is this hulking macho guy WHO IN TURN is probably one of the most pro equality characters in the entire fucking acotar series. Lucien is most likely an abused victim with Stockholm syndrome to the maxxxx because Tamlin saved him so long ago that he has this twisted and warped idea that no matter what, Tamlin is a good guy and he will eventually change. Even to the point of watching another person be abused right in front of his eyes and he turns away because he thinks it’s not that bad because he has been going through that hell for fucking decades. Rowan was basically a slave for centuries upon centuries to a warped and spoiled ancient queen to the point of which whipping other members of his cadre, or being whipped BY his cadre was almost normal by the time Aelin came into the scene. Guys, it’s US. In drastic and book world form, yes, but it’s US. Men and women, abuse and neglect and repression and fear and hate. It’s all there. And I think that’s a big reason as to why we love these books so much. Look. For me? Personally? In ACOMAF, when Feyre was on the floor, screaming and darkness was consuming her because she was trapped in her own house by the man she thought she loved, it was suddenly me in metaphor. I was in an abusive relationship. I got to the point to where I felt like I couldn’t leave my own house. I was trapped inside with this … Person. This thing. And it was sucking the god damned life out of me. I lost myself. And yes, up until I got the guts to run and get the hell out, I was consumed by darkness. It was literally constant fear and anxiety and being just so scared and pathetic. These books, this writer, somehow she knows how to tap into all of our pains and reflects them through her own characters and their own experiences. God I love these fucking books

Originally posted by entertainmenttonight

Long Overdue Reader Appreciation

Ever since I made the decision to leave vet school, I’ve been fragile.  It kind of destroyed me to walk away from everything I thought I ever wanted, but I knew it was the right choice, else God knows what would have happened to me–or what I would have done to myself.  Since then, I’ve tried to take it one day at a time, to classify them into “good day” and “bad day.”  The good days far outweigh the bad at this point, but today has started like a bad day even still.  So, as I spent my hour-and-a-half commute crying, I came to an important realization.

But first, I’ve always had trouble sharing about my life and personal situation.  It’s somewhat ironic; as a writer, I’ve always prided myself on being able to choose the right words to weave a tale, but yet they always dry up when I try to write about personal things.  Every time I think about this, though, I think of a quote from “Paul’s Case” by Willa Cather:

“It was at the theater and a Carnegie Hall that Paul really lived; the rest was but a sleep and a forgetting… . The moment he inhaled the gassy, painty, dusty odor behind the scenes, he breathed like a prisoner set free…”

I’ve always really identified with Paul–for better or worse.  In this instance, I’m Paul.  Fanfiction is my theater.  You guys are my Carnegie Hall.  You guys are the one good thing I can always count on to make a bad day a little brighter, just by being you and taking the time to read what a crazy fanfiction writer has to say.  I don’t take enough time to tell you that, but you guys are always appreciated.  It’s not just about the reviews and comments–it’s the fact that any of you take the time to read it.

I have a little scene that’s been sitting in my collection of fanfiction for a while, and I’m going to post it today in thanks.

So thank you.  You guys are awesome and I always appreciate you.

Look I fucking love you okay, you’re my world and my everything. I just miss you to the end and back but I know I’m never gunna get the chance of you being mine again and that kills me inside okay coz I don’t want anyone else other than you. You’re the only person I see my future with but you don’t even feel the same anymore and all I can do is sit in bed at night and cry myself to sleep. Just take me back to October 2013..then I could avoid the mistakes I made and maybe we’d still be the perfect couple we once were..😔

Six months without you

The last six months without you have gone by faster than the six months we spent together. Not because I loathed the time we spent together. I felt we didn’t spend enough together. Our weekly date nights gave me something to look forward too. It left me with anticipation, which made time move so slow. Now that I don’t have that to look forward too, the weeks just fly by. Now my weeks are spent on normal things, like work, school, and the occasional date with someone new. Every now and then, you’ll slip into my mind. I’ll wonder what you’re doing, how you’re doing, or what’s new with you. Sometimes I’ll even wonder if you think about me in the same way. I try to avoid doing this, but sometimes it’s just so damn hard. As of right now, we hardly ever talk. If we do, it’s usually because we have to. I’ll go weeks, even months without seeing you. When we do see each other, its usually at a party. We say “hey’, then ignore each other the rest of the night. I do miss our conversations together. They made me laugh, sympathize, and fall for you even more. I know you’ll never probably see this, but there’s a few things I want you to know; I’m glad you’re doing well, I still think about you from time to time, and I still love you. I still feel sad every now and then, for the most part, I’m doing well.

5

YOU GUYS! My girlfriend is going to be here in 10 days! katiemae11186 10 months ago, you took my life in a completely unknown direction. We have come so far in our relationship, from long nights on Skype talking about some way or anyway to be together to actually getting to spend time together. I have had the greatest 10 months with you. You shine brighter than all the stars in the sky with your stunning smile, your silly laugh, and your goofy personality. In 10 months we have conquered the odds. We have experienced being together and being apart as well as all of the ups and downs in between. I cannot wait to see you my love. In these past 10 months, you have taught me more about relationships, love, and acceptance than anyone in my entire life. We are better when we are together, no doubt, but when we are apart we always make it work. Long distance relationships are hard, and seemingly impossible sometimes, but with the right girl, you, things seem much more possible and manageable. I know we can make it through anything and these last 10 months have proved it. We have overcome endless obstacles, and I wouldn’t want to go through any other part of my life without you. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you, and see where it takes us. My love for you is endless. You make me the happiest person in the world. Together we are an inseparable team. I love you so much Katie Mae. Forever and always, to the moon and back and then back again, to infinity and beyond and back plus four. Stay beautiful, stay perfect, stay you. I love you Katie, more than anything.

“These are the words I wish I could say to you.

Dear You,

I miss you. So much. I only hope you miss me a fraction of how much I am missing you. Life has been very hard on me lately and I wish I had you with me now more than ever. But if I would tell you this, you would wonder, "why me? What is so special about me?” And the answer to that, darling, is everything. You don’t see it, but I do. You are smart, handsome, caring, and you are most definitely capable of loving someone. You think you don’t care about anything, but you do. I’ve seen you. You think you’re ugly and not that smart but those things are so far from the reality of you. One day, I only hope I can help you see in yourself what I see in you. And if I can’t, then I hope one day you find a woman who is everything you dreamed she’d be. And I hope that she will love you more than life itself and help you to see the beauty inside yourself. Because I know it’s there. I’ve been one of the lucky few you’ve let close enough to see it. I only want the best for you in life, darling. Even if that doesn’t include me. But for now, if I can’t love you as my boyfriend then I will love you as my friend. It’s funny, because I don’t really believe in love. But if it does exist, I am certain this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to it. I miss you more with each passing day, and I hope we can be together again soon. I need you in my life. So much.

Sincerely,

Me"

basically me just crying and venting and thanking each and every one of you that has ever made me feel better about myself. It’s super whiney and sounds kind of like an incoherent diary entry, but meh, I feel better now, so whatever. (also, I haven’t really read through it, so it probably doesn’t make any sense)

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I’m tearing up, and it won’t go away. Everywhere I look it’s One Direction & I can’t take it.. These boys mean so much to me, and if it wasn’t for this day, 2 years ago, none of this would be possible. This Tumblr wouldn’t exist, this fan base wouldn’t exist, and those 5 idiots we all know and love wouldn’t exist; well they would, but you know what I mean..

Even though I wasn’t there from the beginning because I live across the ocean, I was there for a year they’ve been together and I’ll be there until the end. Being a Directioner isn’t who was there first, and who liked them first; it’s about who loves them and will stick their side until they announce they will no longer be One Direction. I will be there until that day, celebrating this day for years to come.

I’m so fucking proud to call myself a Directioner. I’m so fucking proud of what our idiots have achieved in 2 years. I’m so fucking proud of the fanbase that I’m in. Most of all, I’m so fucking proud of the fact that I actually met new people; people that know exactly what I’m going through and exactly how I feel.

These boys have not only given me a reason to be happy, but they’ve given me hope, hope to follow my dreams and dream big. They’ve also given me hundreds of friends all around the world and none of this would’ve been possible without the help of Simon Cowell, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Niall Horan & Zayn Malik.

- Caleighh xx ♥