potty training

Here is a selfie I approved for use in mommy’s upcoming book ‘Selfish’. I love this pic because it reminds me of how simple life use to be. Before potty training… before sitting front row at NYFW… before inappropriate Easter outfits… before Tyga. I sometimes find myself longing for these days.

POOPING IS LOGICAL!

This is an idea that has been percolating for some time and I think it’s time to finally share it. POOPING IS LOGICAL! is a potty-training book for young children and their parents based on the tenets of Vulcan philosophy as established in Star Trek. It’s an idea that my wife Leah and I, both of us geek parents, came up with after going through the travails of potty-training our own three year-old daughter. It’s a real potty-training book with real advice for getting your kid out of diapers and sitting on the potty like a big kid.

Working on this idea with my wife has been a really great collaboration. I’m a Star Trek obsessive and she’s a trained childcare professional who looked after other families’ toddlers for years before we had our own. So we were both able to bring a bit of our own expertise to it. POOPING IS LOGICAL! tells the story of a young Vulcan child who, just like kids on Earth, is hesitant to make the leap out of diapers and onto the potty. Fortunately his parents, who are wise and loving, are on hand to help him through this transition and assure him that pooping on the potty is a perfectly natural, safe, and grown-up thing to do. In a society based on logic, what could be more logical than pooping?

To Illustrate the book I reached out to my friend Mike Krahulik, the co-founder of the fantastic Penny Arcade. He’s been one of my favorite comic artists for a long time and his whimsical style seemed perfectly suited to a children’s book. He did some preliminary sketches and then the beautiful front cover you see above. Oh, and here’s the back cover:

Here’s the problem. We can’t get anyone to take this seriously. My agents have reached out to the people at Paramount and Bad Robot, who currently hold sway over anything Trek-related, and they apparently have no interest. Something about not wanting to associate their brand with poop? Whatever. I’m fairly confident that geeky parents of my generation would be all over a book like this. I can’t imagine a better nerdy baby shower gift. It’s intended to make potty-training – an often arduous and prolonged endeavor at the best of times – fun for both kids and their parents.

There’s been a big surge in this kind of publishing lately, Star Wars leading the charge with great little books like Darth Vader & Son and Vader’s Little Princess. Those are really fun little novelties that appeal to geeky parents and kids alike, and POOPING IS LOGICAL! is in that same vein, but with the added benefit of having real potty-training advice and tips that you can actually use. And I refuse to believe that whoever approved A Very Klingon Khristmas (which I proudly bought, I might add) would fail to see the merit in this.

Under normal circumstances Mike, Leah and I would just crowdfund this thing and I’m pretty confident we’d hit our target. The Star Trek license is the issue. So the plan now is to put this idea out there on the internets in the hope of sparking a bit of buzz and perhaps getting the powers that be to take this a little more seriously. If POOPING IS LOGICAL! is something you’d be interested in seeing on bookshelves, do me a favor and help spread this around. Note this tumblr post, share it on Facebook and Twitter, with the hashtag #POOPINGISLOGICAL. Every little helps. Thanks!

Puppy raising rant

My dad wants to use physical force to correct my puppy’s behavior. All because Ajax had one accident today… like most 9 week old puppies do after week 1 of potty training. 

One accident a day is honestly better than I was hoping for since potty training takes time, for some puppies more than others. But apparently Dad knows More About It™ than I do since this is just the first dog I’ve trained. 

Not like the research I’ve done on raising a puppy is more recent than his knowledge or anything /s (since he’s stuck using awful methods he learned in the 80s). 

I told my dad we’re doing it my way. I mean I wanted to cry and run away to my room because I felt so disrespected, but I stood my ground. He said he’ll be patient with Ajax and I hope that’s true. 

All research shows that dogs don’t understand when you “rub their nose in it” or hurt them for doing something wrong. And I will not let him do that to my dog.

I just hope Dad continues to respect my wishes. If not, I’ll have to find another place for Ajax, my fiancé, and I to live safely. I mean it seems dramatic but that’s how strongly I feel about this.

Sorry for the rant. I’m just feeling so helpless and angry and I love my pupper so much.

2

How Baby #75: Public Restrooms

Motherhood is an embarrassing and humbling venture. It starts from the moment you climb into the stirrups for your first dilation check… and, for me,  apparently it’s not going to be over any time soon. And you can’t just ignore her, because then she gets bored and climbs under the stalls, and what are you gonna do, chase after her? The things they don’t teach you in books.

(In Momoese, everything that comes out of her is a ‘poop’, including burps. THE MORE YOU KNOW. Kids are gross, potty training is gross, verbal toddlers are hilarious.)

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Puppies require work, you guys. It is a huge responsibility. I woke up multiple times a night to let Hirvi out for months. They will go potty in the house, they are babies who can’t hold it. I see a lot of posts going around asking for advice on this sort of stuff. It takes consistency and time. Babies don’t learn over night. 

The advice you’ll get, constantly bring them out, every ten minutes if you have to. Keep taking them out. When they potty outside, tie it to a word, and give praise. Repeat, repeat, repeat!!! Wake up at night, take them out. It sucks, and you won’t sleep much, and you’ll be tired. But a puppy is a baby. 

Hirvi wasn’t potty trained till he was seven months old, I was about ready to pull my hair out. I worked a full time job, and went to school full time, and had someone come over to let him out when I wasn’t home. My SO worked out of town. This was all on me. I was so frustrated by the end. He knew the potty command, and would go when I brought him out, but wouldn’t tell me he needed to go. I bought a bell for him to hit on each trip out. He didn’t wouldn’t use it on his own. He had puppy pads he used when I wasn’t home, till he started shredding them at about six months. So at times I’d come home to piss, shit, and puppy pad stuffing everywhere. He ruined the flooring in the kitchen. He chewed on the trim. He ripped apart things he could get a hold of.

It will be frustrating, and you will be tired, but puppies are babies, and you need to have patience and consistency, and at some point you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, and they’ll get it. It’ll click. 

At seven months old, I woke up to the sound of a bell being hit with a snout in the early morning, and since then he has only went to the bathroom in the house probably 3-4 times. And he is currently 16 months old. 

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE PUPPY STAGE!!! I promise, just put in the work, and it’ll be okay. 

6

OBSESSED with those ears 😍😍😍 and perfect lighting outside today. Recently she’s been ringing the bell just to lay outside because it’s so nice out 😒😒 I try to be consistent with teaching her that that’s not how it works but….she’s just so cute. And it really does feel good out there lol so I just try to leave the patio door open for her after she pottys

Just a little update, sorry I havent been posting much, but I’ve been pretty sad so heres an update

The first thing I want to say is that I failed all of the exams for my classes, so I ended up with failing grades, but since I’m special ed now and I’d be going into my third year of grade nine there pushing me ahead and asigning me my own personal TA next year, in stead of getting attention from just the class TA

The Second thing is that I’ve finnished another package of pull-ups with only two accedents so moms gonna let me try underwear again and it starts tommorow

and lastly I’ve been getting made fun of latly and people have recently started calling me the baby of the school and when I asked this nerdy kid named Jerry why they were calling me that and he said it was because I “Pee your pants, are alway a freshman every year and have the breasts of a 12 year old.”

So yeah I’m just really sad latly.

Potty training and Stony

Ava was stubborn when it came to potty training. She kept insisting that she wanted to “pee like boys”, no matter how Steve and Tony tried to explain to her that she “didn’t have the right plumbing”—charts were used.

Then after she overheard Clint use the word “penis” she started saying, “I want a peeniz”

It wasn’t until Natasha had a little talk with her that she dropped the whole idea completely.

When Steve asked her what she told Ava, Natasha gave him a smug little smile and said, “I just told her that with what she has, she can have all the penises she wants when she’s older.”

Steve’s eyes looked like they were close to popping out, and Tony looked like he was having a stroke.