i’ve been thinking a lot about pirates of the caribbean ever since the new trailer came about (because!!! will and elizabeth!!! my children are back together again!!! the emotional lynchpin, the freudian trio, etc) and here are some of the most pressing Thoughts i’ve had
will and elizabeth are clearly both virgins prior to getting married (because will is a good little christian boy and elizabeth is upper-class and has a ridiculously overprotective father), and obviously will would be terrified of disappointing her, so i’m just picturing him really awkwardly asking jack for sex advice
can you imagine how that conversation would go, though. like really
“so you must have had…..relations……with, um, a lot of people, right?“ “yh what of it” “could you maybe…..i was wondering………how do i….ah actually you know what never mind, this is embarrassing” “you know, if you want to sleep with me you can just say so" “'nO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL OH GOD"
(will would totally be down to sleep with jack though lbr)
(they both would)
(honestly my ideal ending to the original trilogy would just have been all three of them happily cohabiting on an island somewhere and occasionally sailing off together to do crimes)
apparently the new film is gonna start with jack having ‘lost his mojo’ and just hanging around town with no ship getting shit-drunk, and if that’s not a metaphor for johnny depp’s career i don’t know what is
but honestly, i can take or leave the action sequences - i’d be way more invested in a film about jack sparrow not being his usual cocky over-the-top self but actually being in a bit of a rut, kind of low, not himself (and then rediscovering his Mojo via The Power of Friendship™, obviously)
look guys i am who i am
barbossa is back so. more of the weird jack/barbossa snarky frenemy dynamic. more of that please
also more jack the monkey because he wasn’t in the last film and i felt his absence keenly
that’s all for now, i’ll add more things as i think of them
Barbossa is by far the most well developed character in the PotC movies and if they do not bring him back to life again and further this development with proper interactions between him and his daughter along with his incredibly complex relationship with Jack, I will be sorely disappointed
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (or Salazar’s Revenge ugggh what even is that change of name) spoilers (sorry for not using the ‘read more’ cut but I’m on my phone and it’s not showing)
first of all: THEY DARED TO KILL CAPTAIN HECTOR BARBOSSA, RIGHTFUL CAPTAIN OF THE BLACK PEARL AND PIRATE LORD OF THE CASPIAN SEA (AGAIN!!!!!) What the hell was even that dead???? The best character in this entire franchise deserved a much better written death than just dying because of the cliché plot of the “long lost daughter” PLEEEEASE. The Hector Barbossa I’ve known for the past 14 years wouldn’t have cared about having a daughter, he only cared about himself.
Which leads me to the next stage: denial. HAHAHAHAHAH HE’S NOT DEAD. He became the richest
pirate in the entire world and we all know about his obsession with becoming immortal: Barbossa totally went back to Isla de Muerta and grabbed a few pieces of the Aztec treasure AGAIN. Exhibit A: we see him eating some sweets but not apples because he wouldn’t dare to eat his most beloved food without feeling its taste in his mouth. Exhibit B: He’s Barbossa, he’s the greatest and the one truly pirate in all these movies. He can’t be dead. “It’s a pirates life, Hector”❤️
Now going back to the plot…. Javier Bardem was a cool villain (better than Blackbeard, but never like my beloved Barbossa and Davy Jones*)
Kaya Scodelario and the Brendon (or Brandon???) Tw-something cannot act. Sorry children.
Jack Sparrow was the least interesting part of this movie of course, but I’d like to point something about him: there are some POTC books (which were considered canon) and they had a much more interesting backstory for Jack. He worked for the East India Trading Company and was in charge of a ship, the Black Pearl or as it was known before, The Wicked Wench. Beckett (you know, the villain from the previous movies) wanted him to trade with slaves and Jack refused, reason enough for Beckett to sink The Wicked Wench and mark Jack with the P of “Pirate” in his arm. In exchange, Jack seems to have hit Beckett so hard between his legs that he ended up as an eunuch (the scene in Dead Man’s Chest when Will asks Beckett which mark did Jack leave on him also strongly implies it). In the end, while the ship was sinking and Jack was dying, he made his deal with Jones to bring back his ship as the Black Pearl and he sailed under pirate flag. So yeah, that was a much interesting. Which leads me to…
Someone hasn’t been paying attention to the plot of the previous movies, part 1: TIA DALMA GAVE JACK THAT FUCKING COMPASS, HE DIDN’T GET IT FROM A DYING MATE. In Dead Man’s Chest she clearly says “The compass you bartered from me it cannot lead you to this?”. Do your homework dear script writers; see the previous 4 movies.
I WAS FORCED TO PAY TO SEE A MOVIE WITH ORLANDO BLOOM ONLY TO SEE HIM 3 MINUTES. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? I knew he wasn’t going to be a lot in the movie, but hey! At least I thought that since the movie was motivated FOR him, we would see him a bit more.
Someone hasn’t been paying attention to the plot of the previous movies, part 2: Davy Jones and his crew looked all fish-y because Jones wasn’t doing his job of reaping the souls of those who died at the sea. Will Turner would have never stop doing his job, plus according to the post-credits scene in At World’s End, 10 years after he became the Captain of the Flying Dutchman, he looked the same. And wasn’t the first scene in this movie 8 years after this (according to those papers Henry had)??? Uggh, I hate lazy writing.
I loved to see my beautiful Pirate King, Elizabeth Swann but couldn’t she have had some dialogue??? It’s not so hard. At least, the Turners got their well-deserved happy ending (where is Bootstrap Bill Turner tho??? he should have been with Will at the Flying Dutchmen)
The movie had its fun moments and some great moments (Barbossa *cough cough*) but overall, the script was very poorly written. Pirates of the Caribbean holds a very special place in my heart since I was 8 years old, but the last 2 movies shouldn’t have existed.
* THAT! POST! CREDITS! SCENE! It was AMAZING. It kept me on the edge of my seat. It was so so good. I’m willing to tolerate another movie just to be revealed that after all the sea curses were broken, Calypso brought Davy Jones back.
okay but henry IS elizabeth and will’s son and yes i know he is their son but you know he IS their son there were so many parts in the movie where i’d accidentally call henry will and had to do a double take because that wasn’t will but he has so much of his father in him and every single time henry talked to jack i saw elizabeth you know that fire she has he has it too he’s very much like his mother and father and nothing makes me happier than this well other than that wonderful ending but you know what i mean
I’ve finally seen
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
today, and.. I loved it, and I hated it!
I liked to know more about Jack’s past, and the fact that he finally got his Black Pearl back.. Aah, I was thrilled when I finally saw it coming up from the water, in all its splendor. And I love the stars, and the fact that the film is partially centered on a star map.. i like it! The thing I’m sorry about was the death of Barbossa. Actually, when in the second he came back to life, I was happy, I loved his bad/good character. But then I hated how they developed it, the fact that he was “softened”. But even though I didn’t like him anymore, I was very sorry about his death. And finally they. Elizabeth and Will; I didn’t really love this couple, but think that the two guys have spent years and years not ever meeting, and finally seeing them together.. I cried out of happiness. And the finale? Post-credits scene? I swear, if they make a sequel to Davy Jones, I start screaming! I hope so, Davy Jones is a crazy character! :D
If disney won’t make it then please, give me fanart of fanfiction about little Henry Turner-Swann tagging along with mommy to shipwreck cove to pirate gatherings and the pirate lords becoming like weird estranged relatives to the little pirate prince. Have him run around the gigantic base playing tag or hide-and-seek with fearsome warlords and Elizabeth occationally having to put meetings on hold to look for her kid.
“Gentleman Jocard? Have you seen Henry?”
“No your majesty, I think he’s with Sri Sumbhajee.”
“Sumbhajee? You haven’t seen Henry have you?”
“Sri Sumbhajee has not seen the pirate prince, but believes he’s with Mistress Ching”
“Mistress Ching have you see- I mean, have you heard where Henry is?”
“Yeah we’re playing hide and seek, little kid thought I can’t find him because I can’t see, but I’m on my way to his hiding place now.”
ok so that decent quality filming of the post-credits scene someone uploaded to youtube has been taken down but i downloaded it beforehand and if anyone wants to see it then private message me for a link ok cool :)
hannah’s endless list of favorite films: pirates of the caribbean: the curse of the black pearl (2003) “For too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh. You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner … you’re in one!”