posting because i felt like it

Honestly, Tome’s so relatable in the new chapter.

I mean, she’s too afraid to go out and do the stuff she wants to do because she’s afraid of failure. I think we all felt that way at one point or another. And Tome, she’s too embarrassed to admit it because that’s also something people do. But Takenaka calls her out on it as her friend because he cares about her. It’s not like Takenaka’s judging her or anything. He admits he was too embarrassed to tell everyone he stayed up all night, reading Tome’s UFO books. I know I’m stating the obvious, but I just love this chapter so much….

I think a lot about the process of understanding that got me to where I am today.

When I was 14 years old, I didn’t really question why I liked to shop in the “men’s” section. I didn’t question why I felt more at ease with my guy friends, why I could relate to them better, or why they told me I was “just like one of the guys.” I didn’t question why I literally went through a depression because I was so desperate for people to see me a certain way (that was most decidedly the opposite of feminine.)

I didn’t question my anti-feminist phase where my uneducated ass not only rejected the concepts, but couldn’t really identify with them. I didn’t question why I had grown up hating the color pink, or why I felt uncomfortable in dresses, or why compliments on my looks made me feel uncomfortable, or why the concept of relationships where a guy looked at me like a girl and we followed a heterosexual expectation made me feel sick.

Because I had never even heard of being transgender. By the time I had and had learned what it actually meant, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Because those feelings, all those tells, were never consistent. I couldn’t be trans because I like makeup and stylish clothing sometimes. Even later after I had discovered the term “genderqueer,” I still tossed the idea of being male/masculine because the feeling never stayed.

I had heard the term “genderfluid” before and had a general idea of what it meant. But for some reason it never connected with what I felt. Instead it was so much easier to constantly doubt myself as some sort of faker, because if my feelings were so weak as to always be changing, they must be my imagination.

I think the main thing that finally clued me in was my dysphoria getting bad to the point of undeniability. I experienced it so bad I just went “fuck it, I feel like shit for not having a penis, I like it when people refer to me with masculine pronouns and terms, and I only wear compressing sports bras. I’m a fucking dude.” And it finally dawned on me that yea, I could feel both masculine, neutral, AND a combination if I was…fluid between them.

It’s really difficult to accept who you are if it’s always changing. It’s even harder when you’re just learning shit and none of it makes sense, much less your own feelings. It’s so much easier to doubt and hate yourself in that situation. You feel like you never know what you want, but no matter what you’re faking it, and no one else will ever be able to take you seriously. 

But I’m 21 now and I’m pretty confident in myself. Sometimes I still struggle with that doubt, and it keeps me from making steps that would probably make me happier, makes me hesitate to do things that I eventually do and realize make me feel much easier with myself, much more comfortable. I’m working on it, and I’ll get there eventually.

All you other kids will too. Whatever stage you’re in, you’ll make progress and you’ll get there. I hope maybe this post might be an encouragement to some people who struggle with doubting themselves, or their experience, or maybe even help clue in a questioning genderfluid/trans kids. Cause it’s hard, and confusing, but you get there in the end. You discover yourself, and you learn to accept and be happy with yourself. Even if you don’t know the words yet, or your feelings don’t make sense, you will understand one day, and it’ll be good.

gerard’s story is so fucking inspiring for me because in high school he would always feel invisible and unnoticed and thats EXACTLY how i felt when i was in high school and he’s also dealt with depression that was so bad that he wouldn’t shower for days or even WEEKS and i’m at that point with my depression as well and he always thought he was going to die alone and didn’t think marriage was something that worked like everyone says it does and thats EXACTLY how i feel about love and relationship and he dealt with that shit for so long but !!! look at him now!!! he’s doing what he loves and he has a FAMILY and he seems fucking happy and its so fucking inspiring because if he could get through the lowest of the low in his life then i probably can too and UGH he just means so much to me

my dad will occasionally listen to music while he’s in the shower and he has this  old ass iPod that he hasn’t put any new music on in like, almost a decade, so once in a while my house will again become filled with early 2000s pop for the first time since my childhood, and I’m inevitably catapulted back through all of my memories of grade school and exactly what it felt like to be that age. and I always sing along. because I am compelled and because its just nice to revisit an old iteration of myself that i’ve since shed, to nod in acknowledgement at the person that I once was, but am no longer. it’s nice to remember how much I’ve grown.

Things I did at work today:

  • unexpectedly encountered one of my favorite wrestlers
  • made a couple of good sales
  • gently scolded a college student for spending too much of her limited budget on Chinese food
  • had a sale I’d been working on for two weeks stolen from me
  • had a fucking panic attack, fortunately a short one, as my coworkers do not know that I have a serious anxiety problem and I don’t feel like explaining it to them
  • saw a customer of mine who works at Whole Foods and was able to give him the Whole Foods employee ID I found at the bus stop yesterday so he could bring it over with him
  • spent the last hour and a half fucking around because there were no customers

I don’t know why I’m posting any of this but I felt like laying it out because today was really weird.

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We’re moving back to Elmhurst - part 1 + Ava’s backpack

Like I have told you in the last post, it was time for a change as the houe felt way too big for us three. We are not selling the old house though, because I still love it and we intend to Change between the houses, depending in which city we live because of Andrew’s work.

This morning everything was ready to go. It finally feels like spring so I got to Dress my Ava in cute and comfy spring clothes. Her hair was put into this super cute hairstyle. In the morning, at 7:00 am she got her carrot puree. She gladly did not get carrot puree all over her clothes, only her face. I had a donut that was left from yesterday and a cup of hot milk. Andrew hat done all the packing and was the one preparing our breakfast as I have been adviced by my doctor to take it easy. But don’t worry, it’s nothing bad at all ! ;)

At 8:05am we were finally ready to go. All our stuff was packed in the car and I sat in the back with Ava. Thankfully today was not a toddler tantrum kind of day. All the essentials for Ava were packed in the pink bunny backpack. She had to be kept entertained during the 7 ½ hour drive !!! She slept for a good three hours which gave me the opportunity to nap a bit too. For Andrew and me I had packed various kinds of Sandwiches.

Let’s hope we’ll continue to have a relaxed drive and there is not too much traffic because right now, I am sitting at road services and Andrew is getting some pizza for us. 3 hours to go !

santorumsoakedpikachu があなたの投稿に返信しました “I love being lied about and distorted. it’s great! im being sarcastic…”

When I was your age, I was pretty much completely controlled by my “friend” who was basically experimenting on me.
I felt lucky that she would pay attention to me at all.
She didn’t like rumpelstiltskinix, so I stopped talking to them. I ended up spending 4 years without the love of my life that we could have had together because of my “friend”’s disapproval.
The power of toxic friends should not be diminished.

that is so terrible! im glad that person is out of your life now

and yeah when someone forces you to stop associating with anyone they dont personally like for whatever reason, that’s a bad sign, especially if they tell lies and distortions about the person being worse than they actually are to justify it (which aves does habitually)

@cruvox replied

i love your reviews but you'r really looking way too much into this especially with jellal reaction to wendy. jellal respect erza friend so much and i’m sure it all started when they defended him against the magic council…….so it shouldn’t be strange if he cared about them and especially if it’s sweet little wendy that in danger …..they don’t need many build up and chapters showing them interacting he love erza and he love her friends too

Okay full disclosure, 100% honesty, I wrote that “Why is jellal concerned about Wendy” thing because I kept seeing the post of “Aww Jerza adopted Wendy” all day and looking at it I was like “Does wendy even really care about him, let alone know who he is?” and same with Jellal. You’d make more sense if ErLu adopted Wendy, at least they established close bonds. So 100% truth I just felt like being a dick. Probably did more harm than good because everyone seems to have had a problem with me writing that.

The trauma side of tumblr really seems to focus on survivors of csa, and that’s completely understandable, but I don’t see enough posts about kids who had to deal with serious neglect/emotional abuse. It can be devastating as well

shoutout to kids who had to grow up too fast because their parents never allowed them to be a kid

shoutout to kids who had to fend for themselves every day, or even little siblings

shoutout to kids who felt like the parent

shoutout to kids who cling hard to people because they never got the proper love and care that a parent should provide

shoutout to kids who have health issues because they were never taken care of, and it’s hard to recover from

shoutout to kids who felt abandoned and empty and like they had no childhood because their family wasn’t there 

You’re all valid and I’m so sorry for what we’ve had to go through. It’s tough. And I hope we can all heal from it 

Let’s talk about Yuuri’s and Viktor’s decisions to continue skating competitively, shall we?


Prepare for a gigantic MEGA rant just like last time when I wrote meta on Viktor after episode 10. I just have no chill because I felt the need to address it on a large scale to get lots of things cleared up. If you read to the end you’re the real mvp. So, here goes. 

It seems like this has riled up and disappointed some people, so I want to take a look at it and share my interpretation of what went through the character’s heads. I’ve seen various metas discussing it, and while I’m generally open minded and interested in various interpretations some have made me upset. Why? Because some have even suggested that their decisions were based on manipulation and emotional force directed towards each other, and it made me sad to see, for Yuuri’s and Viktor’s relationship is more beautiful than ever at this point. The narrative has built towards this conclusion from the very start. It wasn’t a last minute addition or something we couldn’t see coming. It makes perfect sense.


Let’s jump to the most integral piece of dialogue we have.


This is incredibly important, because what does it show? That despite their conflict in the hotel they were able to treat it like the mature adults they are and decide to face their future individually. I repeat that once again. Individually. Yes, Viktor and Yuuri might be in love, but they are still their own persons with their own goals and desires and they acknowledge this. Their decisions are to be made on their own will, and not to be forced or persuaded by the other. They want to face the future together, that’s obvious, but they are not about to bend themselves and compromise that future either. It’s their lives. Their choice. So they decide to reflect over it alone, and then share what they came up with. Their future is theirs and if they come up with conflicting decisions, then so be it. They both need to do what’s right and rings true to themselves


But let’s head back to the hotel, because didn’t Viktor say this?


Yeah, he does. Does that mean he was forcing Yuuri to do another season, or that he forced himself to compete for another season to manipulate Yuuri into continuing? No. For me, it does not. This is all the result of a huge misunderstanding built slowly over the course of the whole season. What misunderstanding? Well, it’s voiced rather clearly: Yuuri always planned to retire after the GPF, and Viktor had no clue. Remember this?


This scene is so sweet, and so heartbreaking. It’s so important that we even get a flashback to it later in the episode. Yuuri always planned to retire once the GPF was over, in an anxious ridden, “unselfish” (read: selfish) desire to “free” Viktor from his duties as coach. What do Viktor say in response? Basically, “I want to stay with you forever”. And Yuuri’s heart breaks because well, he loves Viktor so much and would like to stay with him forever too, but he can’t. Why? Because Yuuri thinks he’s a liability and a bother not worthy of Viktor’s time and career. It’s not true, of course, and we leave this scene with a Yuuri struggling to let go off Viktor and an overjoyed Viktor because he sees no obvious end in sight, at this point.


Which brings us back to the hotel again.


You might say that hey, doesn’t Viktor react negatively to the fact that Yuuri made an individual choice? Yeah, he does. But the reason for that was that there was literally no communication between them about this. He feels betrayed. All these months, all his love, all his passion for Yuuri, is seemingly swept out the door as if it was nothing. He loves Yuuri and wants to stay with Yuuri because Yuuri was both the door to the future and the person waiting behind it, and Viktor is not ready to be cast aside. Important to note is that Yuuri do this out of love for Viktor, because he believes it’s the right thing to do and Viktor’s happiness is his first priority. It ends up not working out the way he wants, because due to their miscommunication his will to ensure Viktor’s happiness ends up with Viktor crying. This is the last stepping stone to them becoming fully equal, which has been an important aspect in the show all the time. In the end they find a satisfying conclusion, that sacrificing yourself for your partner is not a good thing, and that they can seek happiness individually but also side by side as long as you trust your partner to make their own choice. But first, they need to have this argument.


Of course he’s mad! I’d be furious as well. But what I like about this scene is how maturely he handles his anger. There’s no over the top drama, he doesn’t scream his lungs out or smash things. He cries and slaps away Yuuri’s hand, which is entirely justified since he has a right to protect his personal space. Also take note that Yuuri touches his hair, which he has expressed concern about earlier, and that Yuuri also reveal both his eyes. It’s very intimate, and not weird at all for Viktor to force his hand away. Yuuri initially wears a look of shock on his face at this response, because Viktor has always encouraged and invited Yuuri into that personal space before. Not now, however. Yuuri is taken aback in return by Viktor’s rejection and negative response to his decision.


Oh, Yuuri. Did Viktor ever actually say this? No, he alluded that he would like to stay forever with you. I wish you’d never retire. Seeing Yuuri give up (because that’s what it is, in my eyes, supported by Yurio’s monologue) upsets him, and of course he wants to skate with Yuuri again as well. It’s the charming Katsuki Yuuri, right? Viktor wants to face him as well. On the ice, as equals. Just as Yuuri desired for the past 12 years. He had no idea Yuuri was retiring so soon, and had most likely already planned to skate with him next season at this point, or at least considered it (remember the smile in ep 8). Viktor has probably desired this more and more as Yuuri’s love slowly brought his passion for skating back. We can gradually see Viktor get more and more into what happens on the ice over the course of the season, only to peak in episode 11 when all the excitement rushes back to him through Yuuri’s skate. His life was void until Yuuri stepped into it and filled it with light, and now that light is pushing away the darkness that made everything in Viktor’s life dull and meaningless. That includes skating. Yuuri made it possible for Viktor to love skating again, and remember all the thrills it used to give him. I believe that at the start of the series Viktor has no burning desire to return to the competitive scene, but he has major character development over the course of the series, thanks to Yuuri, and this reflects in the choice he ultimately makes. He’s a changed person in the end, on to start a new chapter in his life, with Yuuri and newfound inspiration.


But still, they decide to think it over individually. They’re still upset, because now there’s a wall between them that didn’t exist before. Yuuri breaks down this wall rather excellently, but note that before his free skate, he is still very much determined to retire. Take a note of his use of “their”.


This is an important line as well, and after this things start becoming very interesting. Please head under the read more, and if you’re on the app you have my sincere apologies.

Keep reading

closeness

When Keith rescued Shiro, they exchanged familiar phrases of
“It’s good to have you back”, and “It’s good to be back”…

“How did you know to come save me?” 

But Shiro never thanked Keith for it.

Instead, Shiro turns to the others and thanks the others, as they’re outside of his inner group. He walks from the right side, where he and Keith are close, to go to the other side to meet the others.

This means that from the start, they had a relationship close enough where Shiro doesn’t have to.

4
❝ i breathe a little easier when you’re around.❞
turn up your screen’s brightness!

you can find my other comics for the characters here. I really enjoy depicting the before and after of their meeting for both Viktor and Yuuri.

I always kind of felt that Yuuri was in a dark place and feeling so suffocated by his own fears and anxiety, and that Viktor was a catalyst that helped bring him out of that hole. I tried portraying this in a literal sense.

do chat me up because i’d really like to make some friends HAHA (that sounded pathetic LMAO) and feel free to send in ideas and requests for future comics! don’t forget to follow for more yoi stuff!


once again, I own none of the images used.

Image credits: Yuri!!! On Ice, Siren’s Lament (bubbles, waves in pg 1)

Shout out to all the closeted trans girls that have to dress out for PE in the boys locker room.  In HS before I dropped out after the first semester, I’d skipped every single of my PE periods, but I didn’t really know why.

Shout out to all the closeted trans girls that never felt comfortable hanging out with cis guys because you never felt like you could relate to any of them, but didn’t really understand why.

Shout out to all the closeted trans girls that watch pretty much any modern media and have to endure really, really bad transphobic gags that serve no purpose but to get a laugh out of cis people.  Especially those of you that had to watch quietly in horror with your family as everyone laughed.

Growing up in the closet, whether you realize you’re in there or not, SUCKS.  I just want you to know that it DOES get better.  I promise.

Mark Rothko, Dark Grey Tone on Maroon, 1963


I scanned and then cleaned it up as best I could and it’s not perfect, but finding it felt like a real victory. I’ve been looking at a lousy washed-out cropped scan that circulates on Pinterest for years and refused to post it here because I knew it was compromised. This is the first scan of the full painting I have seen on the internet of any size or quality. It’s a beautifuly dark work.

lgbtq representation in the raven cycle

Scrolling through the ‘pynch’ tag I’ve seen a lot of posts saying that Adam and Ronan aren’t good lgbtq representation because the word ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’ are never used in the series, that pynch felt rushed, and that it was like Maggie decided they were queer halfway through the series in order to jump on the diversity bandwagon. 

If you are queer, you are more than entitled to think that them not actually labelling their sexuality is poor representation or isn’t good enough (if you are straight, I don’t care about your opinion). Personally, I don’t think it matters that the words are never shown because their sexualities are so explicitly depicted over the course of the novels. I read something that Maggie posted on her blog where she talked about not wanting to have to write that coming out narrative, that she wanted to show them being queer without having to them go through this narrative of coming out that draws such a clear line between straight characters and queer characters. Which I very much appreciate, as a queer person who is sick of coming out narratives being one of the few ones queer characters are allowed. I also think that the lack of labelling is perfectly okay because it is so clear that the characters are not only queer, but that Ronan is gay and Adam is bi, that the words don’t need to be used. And this from someone who normally has fits whenever writers refuse to call bisexual characters bisexual. 

It’s so clear Adam is bisexual because neither his relationship with Blue or his relationship with Ronan is prioritized over the other, or written to be lesser. Maggie describes Adams attraction to Blue and Ronan in the same terms and in the same way. His relationship with Blue is never given the treatment of ‘once I was with a guy, I realized how much I hadn’t been complete being with a woman’. Even when he’s beginning to realize that he returns Ronan’s feelings, he still acknowledged that he thinks Blue is attractive, even if he no longer has feelings for her. He also doesn’t have any ‘gay panic’ when Ronan kisses him, or at any point while he begins to realize that he returns Ronan’s feelings, which speaks pretty clearly, in my opinion, to him knowing he’s bi and being totally fine with it, even if he’s not out to his friends. Which I don’t think he was, partially because of the contrast with how his friends interact with Ronan. 

Reading the series, it was so obvious from book one that Ronan was queer. To be honest if you thought that was a change made halfway through, it’s because you were approaching it from a heteronormative view point, not because Maggie suddenly decided he was queer. One of my favourite lines is in the first book: ‘I’m always straight’ ‘That’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told’. This joke is exactly the kind of joke me and my friends would make with each other. That’s such a queer joke! It’s great! It makes it clear that not only is Ronan queer but both he and his friends are totally accepting of it! Ronan being gay is there in Maggie’s descriptions of how he thinks of Blue (and Orla) versus the other guys, in his interactions with Kavinsky (who is also obviously queer, but unlike Ronan hasn’t come to terms with it). It’s there in the small lines between him and his friends that acknowledge that he isn’t attracted to women. It’s VERY there in how he thinks of Adam. 

In terms of their relationship being rushed, I think that’s just another example of reading through a heteronormative lens versus reading and being open to the possibility of queer characters and relationships. In both the way Adam talks about Ronan and Ronan talks about Adam, their attraction to each other is clear. Adam might have developed feelings for Ronan after Ronan had already developed and accepted his feelings for Adam, but that doesn’t make them forced or rushed. A slow build relationship like theirs can’t by it’s very nature be forced or rushed to be honest, not when you can see Adam slowly beginning to return Ronan’s feelings. 

tl;dr if you think that it wasn’t obvious that Ronan and/or Adam were queer before they kissed, I recommend you reread the series with the fact of their queerness in mind.