post it puns

Missed AU Opportunities

You know what profession-based AU we really need to see more of? CONTRACTOR AUs. Yes, I mean the contractors who work on your house. 

You’re probably side-eyeing this post right now, but if you are – it’s only because you haven’t thought of all the glorious possibilities. 

- “My landlord didn’t warn me that there was work being done in the kitchen, and now the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen is in my house tearing out a kitchen wall, and I’m in ratty sweats, and it looks like a bird nested in my hair.” 

- “I have to stay in my apartment while the landlord is having the bathroom redone because I have no money for a hotel, but it’s okay because the person working on it is so beautiful. Wait, I have nowhere to shower.”

- “I’m working on the most adorable house for the cutest person, but this is obviously a place for a couple, so I must just have not met the significant other yet.”

But most importantly, the possibilities for all the puns and double entendres: 

- “I don’t need a stud finder. I’ve already found you.” 

- “The pipe burst in my wall and I need this whole room redone now, I hope the contractor doesn’t screw me. Wait, that’s the contractor? Please screw me.” 

- “There’s something else in this apartment you can nail.” 

I’m waiting, friends. I’m waiting. 

She’s the betta half of the two

  • You: Keith cradled Lance in his arms
  • Me, an intellectual: Rock a bi baby

Bard: “Is our boat edible?”

DM: “Wha… I.. Well, It seems to made out of some sort of fungi, so theoretically I guess…; roll your knowledge nature check”

Bard:“Fuck that noise”

*Proceeds to take a large bite out of the boat, then uses prestidigitation to make it taste like gravy.*

Bard: “Heh, gravy boat”

In which we go to rescue the rogue's long lost girlfiend...

DM: You guys enter the back room to the warehouse filled with corpses and find a strange lab. Upon the center table is Maldrich’s (Rogue) missing girlfriend. She is currently in a cycle of waking up, screaming, and passing out again.

Rogue: I run up to her and try to snap her out of it.

DM: She shows no response to outside stimuli.

Cleric: I try and identify whats wrong with her.

(Rolls 18)

DM: You determine that she isn’t passing out but dying and reviving constantly. You cannot figure out the spell that is causing this as it seems to be an amalgamation of spells. Needless to say, she is in a unbearable amount of pain as she basically suffers massive organ failure without pause.

Rogue: Oh my god is there anything I can do?!

Cleric: Let me try. I use dispel on her.

DM: Okay roll.

(Rolls 1)

Cleric: Oops…

DM: She blows up.

Rogue: WHAT THE FUCK?

Cleric: That wasn’t supposed to happen…

Rogue: What kinda fumble chart do you use that ends with my girlfriend blowing up?!

DM (laughing): Well, uh, mine.

Fighter (to rogue): Shit man that sucks, I’m sorry. You’re girlfriend was like…a real bombshell…

Rogue: DO NOT.