possibly one of my favorite things in the whole goddamn thing

“So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. "If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.“ -Scout Burns

Submission

I don’t even know who to blame for this one, sorry…  In response to the fanboy Kakashi anon:

Kakashi doesn’t think he compares to Jiraiya-sama, not in the least. The man has a truly enviable grasp on subtle turn of phrase and the greatest eye for folds and drapes that hint in ways even more erotic than showing. Jiryaiya-sama is a master of his craft, let no one dare deny it.

(Else Kakashi will fight you. In the face.)

The thing is, though, that Jiraiya-sama is gleefully, viciously, irrevocably straight. (Or, if you’re truly a connoisseur of his works and a bit of a genius gifted in looking beneath-the-beneath, tragically, desperately, and obliviously closeted.) And while Kakashi is and always will be ever so fond of the way Machiko-chan tilts her head just so when Seichiro-sama nibbles just there, Kakashi just can’t help but think that the whole third chapter of Violence #5 would have been greatly improved if Satoshi-kun had just kicked Seichiro’s feet out from under him and promptly shoved a hand down his hakama.

It’s nothing more than an idea for a while, an odd little brain-doodle of a what-if that bubbles up in the long stretches of boredom nobody tells you make up 85% of ANBU ops. ‘Would there have been a war,’ he wonders on day 5 of what ends up being an 18 day stakeout, if neither feudal lords felt the young prince had wronged their busty daughters? ‘Would Satoshi still have died tragically stepping in front of a poisoned needle meant for his dear childhood friend?’ he ponders once he’s lost and/or killed his tail and settled in for the 18 hour run back to Konoha. 'Could everyone have the happily ever after that never exists in real life?’ he contemplates over a bowl of high-calorie mush meant to prod his chakra coils into filling up faster.

“What about Machiko!” cries Ebisu, a berk of a chuunin made just tolerable by being a fellow enthusiast. “Where does her happy ending come in?” Kakashi thinks long and hard on that one for about 8 seconds.

“Clearly loyal, supple handmaiden Hana would sweetly ease her woes.”

The two men contemplate that for a blissful second, before Kakashi remembers that the chuunin currently possesses all the paperwork required to spring him from the prison Konoha calls a hospital.

It becomes kind of a thing a month later, when Kakashi is back in his least favorite place, damaged enough that there’s no escaping through the window. He’s trapped for the foreseeable future and granted no distractions but the pen and forms required for an after action report.

He doesn’t do the report. He’s got a reputation to live down to.

A week after that, paperwork-chuunin Inuzuka Hige runs him to ground in training ground 15, waving his not-report like a declaration of war. “If you leave this here I will gut you like a boar,” she roars and in fear for his balls, Kakashi turns out ten thousand words of slow, sweet, 'incredibly glad we both somehow survived’ hardcore yaoi fix-it in less than a day.

It becomes absolutely a thing after that. There are message boards in admin building basements where first his, then others’, hand-scribbled fiction is pinned up, and tiny post-its of praise are pinned up under it. It seems like the village had been waiting poised on an exhale for someone, anyone, to start the tide. Because then there is a flood, spanning volumes and series and worlds, scratched on anything from expensive calligraphy paper to the margins of a BBQ menu and distributed on an old clunker of a photocopier that in some accounting somewhere has been listed as both non-functional and disposed.

It becomes so much more than him.

Someone starts illustrating, and someone else starts coloring. And yet someone else starts writing fictional derivations of Kakashi’s own derivation and this, he thinks, is what it must feel like to be happy.

(One writer’s time-travelling, world-building epic is so goddamn astounding he finds himself first in line next to the photocopier exactly on time every Tuesday morning like clockwork to get his print.)

His nose isn’t always buried in Icha Icha any more, though you’d have to know him better than most do to even notice behind the lurid orange covers he tacks on everything. He’s still unflinchingly loyal to the classic originals but now his horizons have been blown wide open. There’s a new wave of pornography storming across the hidden continent and Kakashi has to stay at the forefront of it all to remain a big name in fan-writing. Viva la fucking revolution!

(Oh my Kentarou-kun, what could you and Takeshi-kun possibly do with those soft, smooth tentacles you’ve sprouted?  We should all find out.)

Hartwin Fic Rec

Ok, who’s ready for some awesome Hartwin fics? This is just a list of some of my favorites. Seriously, give these authors some love. They deserve it. 

By the way, these are all fix-it fics, in which Harry lives. 

Any Available Excuse by  BaredWolf

It’s really not the gentlemanly thing to do, but Harry will use any available excuse to get his hands on Eggsy. And Eggsy? Well. He’s not much better, really.

~7,800 words. 

That Kind of Movie After All by  Renai_chan

Eggsy entertains a suitor in the form of Nathaniel Beaumont, an American billionaire. Harry is suitably jealous.

~4,600 words. I live for jealous!Harry. 

stand back on the edge of your voice by  fideliant

After getting injured on a joint mission with Harry, Eggsy wakes up.

Only he doesn’t. Not exactly.

~8,300 words. Harry is adorable in this :) 

Handler by  Galahard

It seemed obvious to Eggsy that he’d be the next Galahad after he successfully offed Valentine. When an agent forces Merlin to stick to the test and refuses to let go of the fact that Eggsy didn’t pass, Eggsy finds himself in a different position at Kingsman than he’d originally planned.

~12,200 words. 

To Impart the Heart Entire by  hitlikehammers

He doesn’t mean to find it. Shouldn’t even have to be the one here to find it, by rights—no. No, it should not be Eggsy’s place to go through the possessions of one Harry Hart after his tragic, untimely passing. Ain’t even just the pressure, the aching in his chest that says as much, neither. Naw, this shit should be someone else’s gig. Logically speaking and such. It really should.

And he doesn’t mean to find them, honestly: the papers. The letters. Doesn’t mean to. Knows he should burn them or sumthin’. Respect Harry’s privacy.

But Harry Hart’s fuckin’ dead. And maybe Eggsy’s dramatic as fuck, okay, sure, but hand to god: he swears he feels just as dead himself, now. Without him. So of course. Shit.

‘Course Eggsy fucking looks.

~5,100 words. FUCK this one hurts. But the ending is sweet, don’t worry :) 

Sparking by  LapisLazuli

“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while,” Harry whispers, calm as you please, as if Eggsy’s face isn’t pressed directly into the little hollow between his neck and his shoulder, as if Eggsy isn’t drowning in the fucking scent of his cologne, as if the fabric of his bespoke suit isn’t caressing Eggsy’s cheek like a goddamn lover.

~2,800 words. 

under my skin (tried so not to give in) by  venvephe

This is a monumentally bad idea, Eggsy realizes, in the fraction of a second between reaching out and tugging at Harry’s tie and seeing his eyes briefly widen before their lips meet.

Or: snogging is a great distraction technique for hiding in plain sight from your enemies. It is decidedly not great for hiding your growing, uh, interest in your secret service colleague.

~12,600 words. 

with long steps by  kirkaut

Never walk away angry, Harry knows.

He doesn’t think to tell Eggsy.

~5,200 words. 

Class of Conduct by  fideliant

Or, Six Things Eggsy Has Learned About Being A Gentleman

~13,100 words. 

On Hand by  fideliant

Or, Five Things A Gentleman Should Never Do Without

~14,200 words. Sequel to Class of Conduct. 

More Is More (And Less is Much Less) by  coloursflyaway

Every mentor has to give their propsal an extra task to fulfill their training at Kingsman.
Harry chooses to test Eggsy’s endurance - he is only allowed to come once he is told to, while Harry uses the whole arsenal at his hands to make it as hard as possible for him

~3,200 words. 

Kingsman: The Misadventures Edition by  LazyBaker

A deleted scene where Eggsy is injected with a serum that makes him say everything that’s on his mind and he literally cannot stop talking about how amazing Harry is while Harry watches on both horrified and utterly smitten.

~8,500 words. 

Differences between the Anime and the Manga - Intro

I’m gonna be posting the differences between the anime and the manga for every episode. I’ll be doing each episode of s2 as it comes out, and in between each episodes, I’ll be doing s1.

Just like many others, I was hyped for season 2, so I decided to re-watch season 1 of the anime. It was only my 3rd time watching s1, and this time, I decided to re-read the manga as well along the way, just to see what kind of changes the anime team made.

I read the manga more than 10 times, and even though I knew that there were many changes in the anime, I was still surprised by how much.

First, I wanna say that I love the anime, I think the animation is amazing, the voice acting is perfect, and the music is beautiful. I liked watching every scene from the manga animated, and I liked watching fillers that we knew happened in the manga, but they weren’t shown (for example in ep26 that would be Mike slicing up the Titans, that was awesome).

So I’m hyped for season 2, and I can’t wait to watch all those amazing manga panels animated.

However, I don’t like when scenes from manga are deleted or changed, and I’m not interested to watch someone else’s head-cannons.

Keep reading

Disposable part 5

Being friends with benefits with Min Yoongi can be complicated (at best) by itself. But when you accidentally tell your family (and his boss) that the two of you are dating, things get messy.

Angst, fluff, slight smut at times.

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 6


You tried to think of some way to talk Namjoon into un-inviting Yoongi, but every excuse you could think of would make it sound like you didn’t want him to be there. At this point, you were so buried in your lie that you didn’t even want to think about ruining it now. If Namjoon caught on, it wouldn’t just mean his disappointment in you, it would reflect badly on Yoongi as well. And while you wished you didn’t care what happened to Yoongi, you didn’t want to get him fired for lying to Namjoon on your behalf. 

While Namjoon wasn’t exactly a vengeful person, he valued honestly and loyalty. He might not fire Yoongi for breaking your heart, but it would be a different story if he thought Yoongi had lied to Namjoon’s face. The two combined could mean the end of Yoongi’s career, which you didn’t want (no matter how much of an ass he was).

Yoongi was furious. You were glad you were still sitting in a semi-crowded restaurant, because otherwise you were sure he would be yelling by now.

“What if you… I don’t know, tell him your parents are sick?”

Yoongi gave you a reproachful stare. “I haven’t talked to my parents in years, and Namjoon knows it.”

Oh. You tried to think of some other reason for him not to be there. “A close friend was hit by a car?” You offered, and Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“Do you even know your brother?” Yoongi scoffed. “First thing he would say is ‘What’s their name? I’ll send them a get-well-soon card’.”

You groaned as you put your head in your hands, sinking further into your chair. Yoongi was right, that was exactly what Namjoon would say.

“Do you have any better ideas?” You asked through your hands.

“We could tell him the truth.” The way Yoongi said it didn’t sound serious, but you sat up and faced him with a glare anyway.

“You mention one ounce of the truth and I’ll tell him the whole thing.”

That made Yoongi shut up for a moment, and you frowned at the table cloth (you didn’t want to look at him anymore, he looked too angry).

“I think you’re just going to have to come along.” You said after some thought. “We’ll act like the perfect couple, happily and madly in love, and then we’ll keep up the charades for a month after we get back. After that, I’ll publicly break your heart and that’ll be the end of it.”

Publicly?” Yoongi growled. “And why are you the one who dumps me?”

“Because you want to keep working for Namjoon.” You said simply. “If I break up with you, you’re safe from Namjoon’s wrath. And it should be at least semi-public, so that there’s no doubt who dumped who.” It was the best plan you could come up with, and you didn’t think it was so bad.

“I actually hate you.” Yoongi said, and even though there was very little real hatred in his voice, it still stung.

“Yeah, well.” You tried not to seem as affected by his words as you were. “If you want to keep your job, I suggest your keep your hatred to yourself.”

You didn’t talk to Yoongi much after that, only texting him the details about the lake house. You booked his plain ticked along with yours, figuring that it would look better if you arrived together. When you informed him of this, he replied with “we’re not sitting together, right?” You decided to wait until later to inform him that actually, there were only two seats left on the plain, and they were right next to each other. You figured Yoongi would live.


Yoongi felt like he was going to die. There were two ways this was going to go.

1.      He would spend the two weeks with you and everything would go smoothly. The problem with this was he would be lying to his boss, not to mention spending every moment of every day with someone whom he really didn’t even want to look at currently. And after that, who knows what else you would ask him to do? It all started with a simple lunch date, and now he was supposed to spend two weeks with your family? When would it end? After the two of you were married? No. This option was not okay.

2.      Namjoon would find out that everything was a lie, you would through Yoongi under the buss, and he would lose his job.

Nether option was ideal.

Yoongi groaned as he pressed his face against the glass of the window, trying to sit as far away from you as possible. You had given him the window seat as a sort of peace-offering for sitting together, but he still wasn’t happy with the situation.

He could see in the reflection of the glass that you were fidgeting in your seat, and it was driving him a little bit insane.

“Will you sit still?” He said through clenched teeth.

“No.” You replied curtly. “Now give me your phone.”

Yoongi turned to you slowly. “Give you my what?”

“Your phone, Min Yoongi.” You said, holding out your hand expectantly. He wanted to argue, but if he was going to be stuck next to you for the next three hours, he wasn’t going to pick a fight. Grumbling, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“We’re in an airplane, you can’t use it—unless your intention is for us to die.”

“I’m not going to make a phone call.” You said with an exasperated sigh. “We’re supposed to be in love, right? You need a picture of me as your lock screen.” You opened the camera app and posed, snapping a few before choosing your favorite.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to see your face every time I open my goddamn phone?” What was much more concerning was that he really didn’t mind the idea.

“Did it ever occur to you that you don’t have a choice?” You asked, pulling out your own phone and holding it up. “Look cute.”

Yoongi made a face at you, and to his horror you took a picture of it. “Perfect.” You said happily.

“Hang on.” He said, trying to reach for it. “I wasn’t ready, you can’t keep that one—“

“Yes I can. And it’s just what I need. Couples have all kinds of derpy pictures of each other, right?”

“No.” Yoongi said, although he agreed with what you had said. “This is probably why you’re single.”


A/N Wow it’s been a strange couple of days! I locked my keys in my car, took a pole dancing class, and got my keys back. And then today a friend of mine locked her keys in her car (with the engine still running) and these three strangers who happened to be there also happened to know how to break into cars?? It was very strange, but also kind of amazing. Haha, anyway… Sorry I’ve been kind of absent, I’ve had some papers and other writing assignments to do, and haven’t been feeling super creative as a result. I think I should have some time this weekend to finish up the next chapter of “Of Books and Dirty Cash” as well as several requests that I have almost finished but not quiet (as i said, I haven’t been feeling super creative, and I don’t like to force writing bc it turns out bad) Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think! <3 <3 

Jun As A Father

Originally posted by itsfuckingwonwoo

Jun as a father next please!!! He’s my bias and I need to see him! I love this short series by the way, you should do more like this often!

Hello! I love your daddy seventeen scenarios! Could you possibly do Junhui next with twin boys?            

Thank you! I really appreciate your compliments! I’ll try to get more up sooner then throughout the week! I honestly tried so hard to write this and make it good but most of this turned out to look like what my mind processes around at 2am so it probably sucks too. But I hope you enjoy and if you want anymore, please do request!

  • There really is a lot I could say about Jun being a father
  • Like I grantee you that he would just be 100% ready to be a father to some beautiful children
  • Without further ado let’s begin here
  • So basically Jun would just know what was happening and his father like instincts would just kind of come off as natural
  •  Like he would have begged and begged you to have a baby with him
  •  And you just couldn’t say no because your whiny husband just looked so cute when he would pout and beg you for some babies
  • And lets be honest who in the right mind would actual deny having babies with Jun
  • Jun would have serenaded you on the night that he was planning on making love to you since you agreed to having children
  • Like he would have made sure everything was perfect
  • He would have set out rose petals
  • Sprayed your favorite sent
  • He even set out your (and his) favorite lingerie
  • And basically you would have just had at it
  • About two months later you were kind of upset because you weren’t getting any symptoms and signs that you were pregnant like most women would probably have had at this point
  • So you talked to Jun about it and he agreed to try again
  • And the next thing that you knew
  • The morning of the day that you planned on trying again
  • You finally got morning sickness
  • You were kind of scared but kind of happy because hey, maybe you were actually pregnant this whole time
  • Jun was by your side the whole time and even offered to call in and schedule you an appointment for an ultrasound
  • The next day you went in to the office and they got you all set up for your ultrasound
  • Jun was so bouncy because of how nervous he was
  • You knew that he was praying that it wasn’t because you were really sick
  • This boy just really wanted a baby so so bad
  • And you were determined to give it to him
  • Jun held your hand tightly the entire time the doctor was trying to find the right spot to see if there was a baby actually inside of you
  • The doctor stood up and smiled as he turned to the two of you
  • “congrats, you two are officially pregnant with twins”
  • And that is when Jun stopped breathing
  • Because oh my god he wasn’t having just one baby
  • But two
  • And you knew it wasn’t a bad reaction because his lips slowly turned into the biggest grin you had ever seen in your life
  • Jun basically football tackled you into a hug on the bed
  • Normally you would have spat insults and would call him off for jumping on you
  • But you too were beyond happy
  • “i can’t believe this is happening, we’re going to have two babies. two live babies, [y/n]”
  • The next day he would go into Pledis and basically right as he walked in would walk up to the intercom at the front desk and scream into the mic as he pushed the receptionist out of the way
  • “hEY GUYS gUESS WhaT I’M HaVING TWiNS”
  • And Minghao would casually stroll over to his Chinese buddy and pull him off the desk by the ear and cursing him out in Chinese
  • But Jun could care less because he was just so goddamn happy
  • Like the whole world needed to know about his babies
  • Despite what minghao actually thought
  • The second he would walk into the practice room the rest of hi members would bombard him and begin to shout congratulations at him because they know how hard Jun had worked to try and get a baby
  • Not that he talked about his sex life to everyone phhhhhtt
  • When it came to taking care of you during your pregnancy
  • Jun would be the best husband for the job
  • Like if you wanted a back massage he would gladly agree
  • If you wanted some nasty meal
  • Not matter how nasty your cravings were
  • And they were pretty bad tbh
  • He would still go through all the measures just to make it for you
  • Even if it made him physically sick
  • But seeing you happy made Jun so very happy and he would do anything to see you smile
  • Everything between you two would be so smooth running and relaxed
  • That was until your hormones started kicking in and you got a little grumpy and would insult and pick fights with your husband for no reason
  • And he would just take it all in because he really understood because his mom had gone through the same thing when she was preggers with his little brother
  • You really had to give it to him for that because you were 100% sure no one else besides Jun would ever put up with the things you said to him
  • And he really was the sweetest husband a girl could ever ask for
  • His favorite mood swing of yours would be the cuddling
  • Not only did it give him the chance to hold you close
  • But he also was able to rub your pregnant belly at the same time
  • And that really mad him happy and it was kind of like a reality shock that yes, you guys really were pregnant with two babies and this was really happening
  • He’s waited his whole life for this and he was so ready for the outcome
  • At least that’s what he thought at first
  • The further you got into your pregnancy the more and more nervous Jun grew
  • He did a damn good job at hiding it
  • It wasn’t until one night Jun was left wide awake until the early hours of the morning and you woke up because being pregnant with twins really made you have to be at least 5 times an hour
  • So when you woke up to go tinkle you found Jun lying wide awake in bed
  • Being the caring wife you were, of course you asked him what was wrong
  • All he did was look at you with tear filled eyes and a small pout
  • “do you think i’m going to be a good father?”
  • You were honestly shocked because
  • 1) Jun was almost crying and that never happened
  • 2) He never seemed to be dismayed about being a father before
  • So you pulled him close to you and reassured him that he would be the perfect daddy someday
  • You also kind of pushed him away a bit because you really had to pee and if you didn’t go soon your would urinate all over your bed
  • But Jun was just happy to have you reassurance at the moment
  • He never really complained much after that but you knew it still worried him that he wouldn’t be good enough
  • It wasn’t until halfway through your pregnancy when you began to feel the baby kicking in your abdomen
  • You were casually making lunch for both you and Jun
  • While you were chopping up some veggies, you felt a tiny kick against your stomach
  • You basically threw your spoon across the room at the feeling which began to concern your husband as he looked at you with worry
  • You couldn’t really say anything because you were in shock so you just kind of flailed your arms until Jun finally got the queue to come over and see what was wrong
  • You grabbed his large hand and placed it on your belly
  • Jun swore his heart stopped at the feeling of the tiny kicks
  • He smiled so big and began to laugh
  • “wow”
  • literally that was all he could say over and over again because no word could describe how amazing this was
  • So the two of you really wanted to keep the gender of your babies a secret until you went into labor
  • Because of this buying things for your twins was a little hard because you tried to buy gender neutral things for your nursery.
  • But you found your way around it and ended up buying some pretty cute things
  • Most of the pregnancy seemed to go by pretty quickly
  • Like it really wasn’t all that bad because Jun’s daddy instincts just kind of happened naturally so you didn’t really have to tech him much
  • Even in your maternity classes (I think that’s a thing) he was told by the instructor that he was basically natural born pro
  • But everyone knew that Jun basically prepared his whole life for this
  • When he was younger he used to help his mom out with taking care of his little brother
  • And he loved it
  • Jun is a huge softy when it comes to his family and I just asdfghjkakfhiaohsfgafj
  • But anyways back on topic
  • When you were going to labor it was pretty late a night
  • And lets just say that it’s not the best feeling in the world to be awaken at 3am by severe pains
  • You felt water trickling down your legs and sharp pains were running all throughout your abdomen
  • You screamed out once and kicked Jun in the bed next to you until her grumbled at you to stop and you just gave him a look like
  • -_-
  • and that’s when Jun realized that the bed was slightly wet and you were doubled over in pain and he was like wOW THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING OKAY
  • So Jun went all superman and put on clothes, grabbed the hospital bag, and swept you off your feet all at the same time and quickly drove you to the hospital
  • Once he got there he helped you inside and sat your down in a chair for a second while he went to go get the nurse
  • Both he and the nurse came back with a wheel chair and he held your hand the entire way there
  • Even when it came time for the labor he still held your hand tightly in his as if it were going to be the last time he would ever hold you
  • You could tell Jun was just as nervous as you were because if anything went wrong he could lose you and you were the most important person in his life
  • You weren’t going to let that happen though
  • Despite spitting 2 babies out of your vagina the labor actually went pretty smoothly
  • Like pain was the last thing on your mind and you just couldn’t wait for those babies to come out of you
  • By the time you heard the first cry of your baby you couldn’t help but cry yourself
  • Jun was in shock though
  • Like he just kind of stood there with this stupid grin like
  • “yo i really made that”
  • Soon enough after another round of the same thing another baby came out
  • You were so relieved that the entire thing went so well and that you now had two beautiful babies to take care of
  • The nurses cleaned off the babies and handed one to each of you with a smile
  • “congrats, you have two very healthy babies boys”
  • And you swore you never saw Jun smile wider than he did in that moment
  • You guys just kind of sat there for a couple of hours just holding your babies and switching off every now and then so you each got an equal amount of time with the other
  • When the nurse came in to ask to take your boys away for special care and treatment to make sure that they were healthy
  • Jun didn’t want to let them go
  • He just kind of sat there and shook his head at the nurse and told her that he need another moment because god he just didn’t want it to end
  • His whole life he had prepared himself for this and now it was actually happening
  • It was so much better than he expected
  • Eventually he did let her take them away but after that he only gushed to you about how amazing you did and how wonderful his babies were
  • Finally after a few days the time came for the babies to come home
  • It was hard taking care of twins for a while
  • Like one baby crying was enough
  • But when one baby would cry the other would follow
  • It made Jun so sad because he couldn’t stand seeing his baby boys so sad
  • Even if it was only over a poopy diaper
  • He never wanted his babies to cry
  • So at night despite the late hours
  • He would willingly get up and take care of their every need
  • Even if it mean for him to get up at least 30 times in 5 minutes he would have done it
  • Jun really was a great help with the babies
  • You were kind of upset when he had to go back into work because you never had taken care of two babies on your own before and you were very nervous
  • So Jun called up his mom and she flew out from China just to come help you take care of the newborns
  • He is honestly such husband material like-
  • Once the babies were a little bit older, Jun would offer to take one into work with him so he could look after one while you looked after the other
  • Okay so imagine this
  • Daddy!Jun walking around Pledis with a baby carrier around his chest and a sleepy baby cuddled up to him as he shows off his boy to everyone with this big ass eating grin on his face because he’s so proud of what he had made
  • He wouldn’t let anyone touch him because he was afraid of the boys breaking his baby before it even got a chance to live
  • Except for Minghao
  • Jun trusted him with his life
  • Plus Minghao was the godfather of his babies
  • Jun would be the cutest when teaching his toddlers the basics
  • Like walking and talking and stuff
  • The two of you would each get a baby and you would switch off with helping the other walk
  • Just imagine your baby boy’s hands wrapped around Jun’s bigass finger as he helps them mOVE AROUND OUCH I CAN’T
  • And Jun sitting on your bed with his babies in front of him as he taught them how to speak
  • And you scolding him as he tried teaching them really hard words in Chinese
  • He would be a mess though when he managed to get a couple words out of them though
  • And when his babies got older like into the kindergarten age unlike most dads who would teach their babies a sport
  • Jun tried teaching them how to dance
  • But his babies were a thousand times more clumsy than Mingyu so he eventually gave up on that
  • It wasn’t long before his twin boys would come running home from school asking the two of you if you could have another baby because one of their friends just had a little brother and they really wanted another boy in the house to play with
  • And you and Jun just looked at each other like “yeah that can be arranged”
  • 2 months later you and Jun found out that you were pregnant with another baby
  • This time you decided to figure out the gender so you could surprise your boys later
  • As much as the two of you were dying to have another boy it didn’t happen
  • Instead you found out you were pregnant with a little girl
  • And if Jun was a mess when he found out about you having twin boys back then
  • bOI
  • WAS HE A MESS NOW
  • Like he loved the thought of having a million sons
  • But having a little girl was his dream
  • And so Jun somehow managed to help juggle a pregnant wife and two boys at the same time and you were sure that he was superman at this point
  • Because not only did he put up with your mood swings
  • But also to hyper active children
  • And when the final days came until the baby would be born Jun called out his mom again to help with the twin boys so the two of you could focus more on having your baby girl
  • And history repeated itself because you found yourself yet again kicking the shit out of your husband to wake up at 3am
  • A couple hours later you found yourself smiling at your husband who was cooing at the little baby girl in his arms
  • She was the most beautiful baby you had ever seen
  • She basically resembled everything of her father
  • Your little girl never cried
  • Usually babies do but for some reason she came out with a smile
  • It was like when she first glanced at her father she knew that there would never be a reason for her to feel upset or afraid
  • It was like she knew Jun would always care for her
  • When you came home with the baby your boys were slightly upset that it wasn’t a little boy but that all changed when Jun gave them the idea of being her personal body guards
  • They helped both you and Jun pretty well with caring for the baby and soon you had two boys begging you to let them change her diaper and stuff
  • She grew up to be a pretty spoiled child having both her father and two older brothers taking care of her
  • But she was a good kind of spoiled
  • She basically was a princess and even from a young age had boys falling for her
  • Like when she was 6 years old she already had like 12 boyfriends
  • She could get the boys to do whatever she wanted
  • Especially if they were in her family
  • Her brothers would make her snacks and play barbies with her
  • But they would not have tea parties with her for who knows what reason
  • They left all of that up to Jun
  • But let’s be honest
  • Jun could care less about dressing up in tutus and tiny tiaras if it made his little girl happy
  • And you may or may not have a bunch of photos for your own pleasure
  • or blackmail to give to the other members of seventeen if they ever needed it
  • She had Jun wrapped around her little finger
  • And she did end up to become a lot like her father
  • She signed up for dance classes and even became the top of each class
  • Your sons always looked after your little girl throughout high school
  • If a guy so much had breathed in her direction they would have eaten their souls
  • But despite when it came to their little sister they were actually really nice boys
  • They were always gentlemen to other girls and their hyungs
  • They were actually pretty popular in school too
  • Your oldest twin was Captain of the rugby team and the younger was the lead in his school choir
  • Both of them had met some very lovely girls and even continued on to date them throughout college
  • Your little girl on the other hand had asked to go off and train to become an idol just like her father
  • She had debut in a successful girl group as their lead dancer and their visual (clearly) much like her father
  • She had decided not to get married so she could be focused more on her life as an idol without any distractions
  • Jun was kind of relieved but kind of sad that he probably would never get to see his little girl walk down the isle someday in a beautiful white gown
  • But at least he got to see his sons dress up for their weddings
  • It wasn’t like he never saw her wear beautiful gowns though
  • At all the award shows she attended she was defiantly the sight to look at
  • She always caught most of the attention from the paparazzi
  • And the best part was that he got to walk down the red carpets along with her due to the fact that they both were successful idols
  • Jun couldn’t be any prouder of his family and how they turned out to be
  • His dream finally came true and it was more than what he could ask for

|| S.Coups || Jeonghan || Joshua || Jun || Hoshi || Wonwoo || Woozi || DK || Mingyu || The8 || Seungkwan || Vernon || Dino ||

An “Out-of-the-Ordinary” Family // A Phan One-Shot

Genre: angst, domestic fluff, family fluff

Words: 5.2k

Relationship Status: Married

Warnings: swearing, homophobic attitudes, gender roles

Summary: Isabella Lester, Dan and Phil’s youngest child, normally loves her psychology class. But one lecture where her teacher uses Izzy’s “out-of-the-ordinary” family as an example changes all of that. Dan and Phil must help their daughter in some way.

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anonymous asked:

I'm going to say the cast did everything to hide this scene. There was an article only last week where everyone talked about the lack of sex on the show. They all just kept talking about the problems that might come. And with the whole asexuality thing too, we all could never think they would go this way, at max expected 'I love you'. I wonder if this was the change they did in the finale.

there is a lack of sex on the show. at least for a cw show, which i actually kind of like. it’s different. it makes the sex scenes they do have much more special (except the archie/grundy ones. those were not needed or wanted). most of the characters are also only about 15/16. i know that teens are becoming sexually active younger, but i feel like most people that age are still virgins 

yeah, i definitely wasn’t expecting the bughead make out we got and the confirmation that betty and jughead were going to have sex. i thought that because it was said his sexuality wasn’t addressed this season and that they were working on incorporating asexuality into the second season (i can’t remember if they said it was going to be with jughead specifically). i know that some people think that the near sex scene and knowledge that they were originally supposed to be the couple that had sex settles the sexuality debate, but it could still be addressed in season two. i mean, it eliminated his being asexual in the black and white term, which is somebody who feels no sexual attraction. however, it’s not that cut and dry. asexuality, like all sexuality, is a giant spectrum. it brought him away from the area that has no want for sex at all, that is true, because i feel like it would be difficult to back peddle on what happened in the finale without it feeling like they were back peddling– but it is a very real possibility that betty is the only person that he’s ever felt sexually attracted to and wanted to, or would be okay with, having sex with. that would put him more towards demisexual (which is my head canon) or sex positive asexual, and is something that could totally be brought up next season. a sexually active ace person is just as asexual as an ace person who never has sex 

honesty, i was trying really hard not to get my hopes up for an ‘i love you’ because i didn’t want to be disappointed if it didn’t happen… but silently i was kind of expecting one because of how sure lili was that betty was in love with jughead. her answers are usually my favorite. she seems to be the most honest about what’s coming up next, which i’m grateful for. it’s so frustrating when actors and members of the creative team say one thing in one interview and then something else in another interview. i’m looking at you RAS. she’s also very professional in the sense that she would outwardly support whatever direction the writers took betty in romantically, but you get the sense that deep down she’s not here for the BAV love triangle and romantic b*rchie. she straight up said she thinks it would be weird and disappointing (for betty and archie) if they got together. i appreciate that a lot because, shipping bughead aside, i think it is so fucking great that they haven’t pit betty and veronica against each other over a boy. that shit ruins potentially beautiful friendships between women (*cough*brooke and peyton*cough*) and i’m not here for that. then there’s also the fact there’s already 75 goddamn years and hundreds of adaptations of that love triangle. i think it would be so much more interesting to see them firmly establish bughead and varchie as the show’s couples and watch them work to be together. i want couples that go through the fucking ringer together. the keyword there being: together. i want to watch them overcome these hard, horrible obstacles as a team. i want them to have near breaking points too… in the words of cole sprouse, that’s real and honest; couples stumble and they almost fall, but then they remember how much they love each other and fight to build their relationships back up. i want real, dynamic, beautiful relationships that i can honestly root for. they have that potential with how they went about, and ended, the first season. i pray pray pray that they don’t sacrifice that for love triangles and partner swapping. that’s so tired.  

among the reeds, among the rushes

Summary: “I’m just saying,” says Gina, camped on Amy’s couch and painting her nails for the tenth time that week. “Jimmy-boy doesn’t know who he’s up against. Your nerd-smarts, my dazzling good looks, Rosa’s crowbar collection, and also my not-nerd smarts? Dumb-dumb won’t know what hits him.” She sniffs. 

Amy copes, and waits, and holds the hands of her friends.

i dug bits and pieces of this out of an ancient fic that i started writing far before season four aired, a fic which would now be supremely non canon, but when chopped to bits with a carving knife and reassembled with duct tape actually works. it’s still a bit non-canon, bc in canon it’s implied that amy just stays in her own apartment, and, also, that jake’s stuff stays in his apartment, but oh, well. its previous title was “untitled girl gang fic” and honestly …. that’s what it’s mostly about. lady friendships. i know i haven’t written for b99 in AGES so im a bit rusty but hopefully u will enjoy!! finally, dedicated to @elsaclack bc she is too good to me and i lov her

About a week after Jimmy Figgis calls Jake in the bar, Rosa and Gina help Amy move all of her things out of her apartment and into a new one; just a little bit bigger, just a little roomier, a place to start afresh and to put the label of theirs onto – as well as she can, with the other half of that plural being miles and miles away.

It’s not part of the plan, initially. Which is a bit of a ridiculous thing to say, because that makes it sound as though any of this is according to some plan, some list, some organized trajectory that Amy can refer to in times of doubt.

Everything, quite frankly, is in chaos. So Amy moves.

She’s never been particularly good at dealing with the cold. The warm May sun is beating down on the steaming pavement outside, right after an early-morning rain shower, and it’s terribly unfair that she’s stuck in this building, fingertips and toes tingling from the blast of the over-compensating air conditioning. This is one of the many things she’s come to blame on Jimmy Figgis in the past seven days. She has a list; everything from missing boyfriend to burnt toast.

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anonymous asked:

hello please do "you have a cute nose" for jikook please?

a/n: hmu w some short prompts and i’ll write you smt

i went w i l d w this one om…g……insp by this here’s a buzzfeed!au i guess


all in all, sometimes jungkook really hates working on the internet.

the cameras’ red lights all flash simaltaneously, as if they’ve ganged up on him and are trying to permanently blind him. the pulse points and wires attaching his body to the lie detector machine that expert kim namjoon is using are uncomfortable and itchy. yoongi, hoseok, and seokjin are hovering over him in white dress shirts and loose ties like “real inquisitors,” though real inquisitors probably dress in completely styles. jimin sits quietly off to the side on top of a file cabinets - which is the one cute gift jungkook’s been given for this video.

the rest of it is a curse.

seokjin blows a bubble with his hubba bubba bubble gum, an action quickly followed up by a sharp pop. he walks around where jungkook is sitting behind a desk piled with wires and resembles a tall, circling, drunken wolf.

seokjin starts loudly, “you and jimin are just so cute with each other, jungkook! it’s almost as if you’re-” seokjin pauses to pop another bubble, and by now jimin has perked up from where he was leaning against the wall above the filing cabinet-“ something else than what you show. something more. i’m just throwing it out there, but it’s almost as though you two are… together.”

jungkook shoots seokjin a look of daggers, only receiving a laugh, a wink, and a bubble for reply. jungkook knows that their “guys try lie detectors” video has reached the Very Very Personal Questions segment, but god, did they really have to do this? he shifts in his seat,  sure that namjoon notices sitting next to him.

hoseok clears his throat and closes in on jungkook (the victim) next. he’s pretending to toss nunchucks between his hands, even though jungkook is certain inquisitors don’t use nunchucks.

“the fans speculate as much about you two, but the most particularly thing is that you aren’t dating.” hoseok raises a brow. “or are you? will you?”

“case in point!” cries yoongi, dramatically tugging his root beer dum-dum from his lips and pointing it at jungkook. “do you or do you not,” yoongi growls, leans in with narrowed eyes, “like park jimin?”

jungkook hesitates, not wanting this to breach Romantically Personal Questions That - Oh My God Let’s Not Discuss This on Camera Please I’m Begging You territory.

“of course i like jimin,” he says tentatively, though more easily than his dishonest answer because he means this one. at this point, jimin has leaned back, looking at ease again. “he’s my favorite buzzfeed member.”

namjoon is about to open his mouth and announce the honesty result of jungkook’s words (he’s telling the truth), but yoongi holds up a palm to stop him. if possible, his eyes narrow even further, scrutinizing.

“we’re talkin’ more than friends like, bud.” yoongi’s hand slams on the table with a BAM, starling everyone but hoseok and yoongi himself and getting a dirty look from namjoon, whose wires and machine clanked and shifted from the hit. “is that how you really feel about park jimin, jeon jungkook? do you like jimin as more than a friend?”

they have officially breached Romantically Personal Questions That - Oh My God Let’s Not Discuss This on Camera Please I’m Begging You territory.

jungkook is surprised to find that his blood thrums in his ears, because he’s sure blood would be rushing to his cheeks. he’s a trifle impressed with himself. maybe - maybe he’s even good at this lying thing, and he’ll be able to trick the machine into saying that he’s telling the truth when he says no, he doesn’t like jimin that way. no way. that’s all he has to say.

jungkook’s mouth is dry but his voice is confident as he lies, “no. i don’t like jimin that way.”

everyone’s heads whip to namjoon, who stares at the screen. jungkook’s heart becomes a beating drum in his chest. the room breathes once, twice. jungkook feels hope spark in his lungs, pleading that the world can be nice to him and let him keep his dignity close and intact, safe in his arms-

namjoon announces, “he’s lying.”

- but jungkook’s dignity ends up scurrying out the door with its tail tucked between its legs.

he’s numb as hoseok, yoongi, and seokjin howl and yowl behind him, shouting something along the lines of “i TOLD you so!” and “that’s ten dollars from my wallet, a whole ten dollars, goddamn, i should’ve seen it comin’” - all the same, jungkook feels mortified. he can’t bring himself to even think about what jimin’s face might be like, can’t possibly imagine what he’s going to say when they get back to the office.

he pushes at his brain not to think about it. if his dignity is gone and done then he has to at least keep his bodily systems all from rupturing. no jimin. not now. leave it for Tomorrow Jungkook or Night Jugkook to suffer through. no. jimin. none.

the issue, however, is that jimin doesn’t have to imagine jimin - he appears right in front of jungkook, kneeling besides him as their other co-workers hoot and whoop and argue, as always.

the issue is also that jimin then giggles, straining his head upward to affectionately rub the tip of his nose against jungkook’s, practically making jungkook go cross-eyed. jungkook tries to ignore the awkward cough namjoon gives into his fist, the way the camera whirs a few yards away.

“you have a cute nose,” notes jimin simply, and jungkook tries to scowl to maintain his whole web reputation on buzzfeed as chic, cool guy, but he’s sure it comes out wobbly and flustered. 

jimin giggles again, and while internally exploding jungkook notices that one of jimin’s buttons is done incorrectly. he reaches out to fix it, but jimin is already standing up to lean against the wall and look into the camera with a huge smile.

“i could already tell he was was lying.” another giggle. “if he says the thing confidently, he’s lying.”

yoongi, hoseok, and seokjin quickly settle down just to agree with jimin’s statement, and jungkook blushes hard but finds it in him to laugh.

he’s not laughing when the video is finally released and he founds out that a certain somebody (cough, devilish editor by the cursed name kim taehyung, cough) decided it would be a good idea to keep jungkook’s coercion-induced confession. even the part where he turned pomegranate red. the video already has one million views.

all in all, sometimes jungkook really hates working on the internet.

(but jimin kisses him on the cheek the next day at the office and says he’s free for dinner, and so maybe jungkook doesn’t hate this internet thing so much.)

((especially when they get so many excited praises for the instagram picture they post.))

anonymous asked:

Hi! Do you have any fic recommendations already where Derek and Stiles are best friends? If you have, can you please link it? Thank you very much! I'm starved for these kinds of fics.

  • This MIght Be Irony by thepsychicclam (M, 38k) Stiles and Derek have been close friends since the Hale siblings moved in next door after their parents’ death. But Derek’s in the popular group, he’s a star baseball player, and he dates popular Pep Squad captain Jennifer Blake. Stiles doesn’t have any of that, just his skateboard and a hopeless crush on Derek (oh yeah, and his Vote Lydia Martin Prom Queen button). As prom and the baseball state championship grow closer, Stiles and Derek start rekindling their friendship. And it all begins with two white boards.
  • Little Dumplings by DevilDoll (G, 8k) “You and Derek are going to sit next to each other,” she said. Derek had already put his mat down off to the side, near the window, and was sitting on it, glaring at his Batman sneakers. “And you’re going to hold hands.“ "What?” Stiles blurted. He looked over at Derek, who was looking back at him, mouth fallen open in shock. His eyes were so wide that for once his eyebrows weren’t his most noticeable facial feature. “If you refuse to apologize to each other, you’ll have to make up another way,” Miss Blake said firmly, steering Stiles over toward Derek and standing there while he obediently—if somewhat grudgingly—put his mat down.
  • Mating Habits of the North American Domesticated Werewolf by lielabell (M, 35k) Derek doesn’t do pining. He doesn’t. So when it becomes clear that Stiles is much more interested in having Derek as a new best friend than a boyfriend, he puts on his big boy pants and makes it fucking work. He becomes the best goddamn friend a spastic teenager could ever hope to have.
  • Help me get in touch (with what I feel) by alenie (E, 3k)  “Stiles, what happened?” Derek says as sternly as he can (which isn’t very). Nevertheless, there is a pause on the line, and a small sigh. “I was just…having some Stiles personal time, you know? And…I may have gotten something stuck. Um, in me.” “In you?” Derek says incredulously. “What do you…oh.” Enlightenment strikes. “Like, in your…” “Yes, in my butt!” Stiles snaps.

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You Choose Not To

A/N: An anon request for a Spencer x Reader, where the reader is African-American and asexual. @coveofmemories

                                                               —-

“For the last fucking time, I am not lying. I’m not celibate. I don’t just need to ‘find the right person.’ I don’t want your pity. It’s just who I am,” you said to your co-worker, who after two years of working together was still trying to understand how you could possibly be asexual. 

Just as you finished ranting for what felt like the 50th time, the adorable, lanky Doctor that worked for the FBI entered the bookstore. Quickly, you took out your compact and checked that your lipstick was smudge free, loving the way the purple gloss looked against your dark brown skin. “See,” your co-worker said at your side, causing you to do such an eye roll that you were afraid your eyes were going to get stuck, “You’re trying to make sure you look good for the FBI agent.” What the fuck did that mean?

“What?” you asked incredulously. “What the hell does me taking an interest in my physical appearance have to do with my sexuality? There is no fucking connection!” You were yelling now and it was drawing attention, but dealing with this old lady for two years was grating on your last nerve. “I like to look good. For me. My body’s sole purpose on this earth is not to look good for someone else. I wanted to make sure my lipstick looked okay, for me. It literally has nothing to do with whether I have sex or not.” The tone in your voice threw your co-worker off and she turned around. For once, you wondered if she turned away because she was finally going to let it go, but alas no, it was only because someone was coming up to the counter. It was your adorable FBI agent.

The man you’d come to know as Spencer Reid gave you a shy smile and placed his usual order. “How are you today, Y/N?” he asked, tilting his head toward your co-worker. Apparently, he’d noticed your outburst. 

“Been better, Dr. Reid,” you laughed. You took a deep breath and rang up his purchases. “More than ready to get out of here.”

“Would you want to grab a cup of coffee after you leave?” he asked, waiting for your old, bitchy co-worker to turn around and misconstrue things further.

He had heard you, right? You’d love to get to know him and could easily see yourself falling for him, but to many possible boyfriends fell through when they realized you weren’t into sex. “Ummm, quick question, you did overhear the conversation I was having with my co-worker, right?” He nodded, smiling in the woman’s general direction and giving her a wave before returning his gaze to you. “Then yes I would, Dr. Reid.”

“Please, call me Spencer.”

“I don’t understand,” she said, grabbing a handful of books to return to the shelves. 

You were going to burst. As you turned your head, you prepared yourself to go off again, but Spencer did it for you. “It’s actually not that hard to understand,” he started. “My guess is that you don’t want to understand, so you claim you don’t have the ability. Asexual just means you don’t feel sexual attraction - at least that’s the basic gist of it. But asexual people can feel romantic love, unless you also identify as aromantic. I happen to identify as asexual, but am very open to a romantic relationship.” He turned to you and you smiled. Having this out in the open with someone before you went on a date was going to feel amazing. And watching him put your co-worker in her place was giving you life. “What’s your favorite food?” he asked her. 

Taken aback by the question, she took a few seconds to answer, but eventually said pizza. “Okay then,” he said, “Let me put it in terms you might understand a little better. Sexuality, much like everything else, is a spectrum, so it can change throughout your life. Asexuality is the same. Asexuals and pizza.” He held his hands out on either side and motioned between the two of you. “We can see pizza and not have the urge to go eat the pizza. It doesn’t mean we have anything against pizza, some of us do and some of us don’t.” 

“People aren’t food,” she said. Goddamn, was she this thick-headed and missing the point or was she just an asshole? It was tough to tell.

Spencer looked at you and huffed before turning back to her. “Obviously not, it’s a very simple metaphor for simple minds.” Oh damn. You could absolutely kiss him right now. Kissing was cool. Cuddling was great. You would do all those things with Spencer. You couldn’t wait to get out of here.

As Spencer finished up and paid for his books, he wrote down his number and told you to give him a call after you got out of work. “If you care to understand at all, do some research,” he said as he was leaving. “There are asexuals, demisexuals, graysexuals, bisexuals…there’s a whole range of people you minimize with your words.”

“Why does there need to be a label for everything?” she asked angrily. “You people need to have a label for everything.”

Spencer shot you an eye roll and gave her one final piece of his mind before leaving. “Perhaps we wouldn’t need a label if you would worry about your own bed and get out of ours.” You snorted, giving him a wave as he left the store. That was amazing. Pulling out your phone, you entered Spencer’s phone number and sent him a quick text.

My co-worker is standing in the middle of the store in stunned silence and I am so happy. Thanks for sticking up for me, us actually. Looking forward to seeing you later.

While you waited for a text back from Spencer you looked into your compact again. You detected a slight blush across your cheeks. Probably due to your co-worker being put in her place. You were actually living. With a giggle, you reached into your pocket and checked your phone. He’d texted you back.

I can’t wait. Having the pressure off of explaining it to someone is going to do wonders for my nerves. Has she moved from her spot yet?

You looked up. Nope she hadn’t. God, this was fantastic.

No, and it’s absolutely amazing. 

DWTS24 Cast Announcement and why Simone Biles won’t win.

Do you feel it? The anticipation, the desire, the lust for shirtless foreign men mixed with the scent of sweat dripping on hardwood?

YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU DO. BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF OUR FAVORITE SHOW WE LOVE TO RIP APART SINCE THIS IS OUR VERSION OF THE GODDAMN NFL.

IT’S TIME FOR MY RECAP OF THE DWTS SEASON 24 CAST ANNOUNCEMENT. BASK IN MY DISPLAY OF EXCITEMENT VIA CAPS LOCK. HERE WE GO, KIDS.

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Rounding out Star Wars Day

I know this is a horror blog, but I get a lot of Star Wars questions and I’ve been revisiting the franchise today. So I’m gonna do a nice post because I love being positive about movies and people (thankfully) tend to be mostly receptive toward that possibility. 

So it’s time to say some nice things about the prequels. Movie by movie, here are things in Episode I-III that I really enjoy.

Episode I: 

  • Duel of the fuckin’ Fates
  • Liam Neeson as Qui Gon Jinn. He sells a lot of nonsense and the role would’ve crumbled much worse under a lesser actor.
  • The pod race. I know, I know, but of all the tacked-on random things that happen in this movie, this one is actually visually exciting and pretty fun to watch.
  • That three-way lightsaber fight. It’s the thing everybody loves about this movie and that’s because it’s really, really well executed. 
  • Ray Park as Darth Maul. I know when this was coming out, we thought Maul was gonna be the new Darth Vader and he wound up being the new Boba Fett, basically. He didn’t get a ton to do, didn’t get many lines. But he embraced what Park is best at: physical acting. During that fight, Maul is a rabid fucking animal and it reveals everything we need to know about his character. The way he paces back and forth like a caged lion is goddamn excellent. 

Episode II: 

  • Anakin vs. the Sand People. I’ll be honest. Episode II is by far my least favorite movie in the franchise. But re-watching it, I think it’s great that this moment is almost set up like a superhero movie. Owen tells him that there’s no chance, that his mother is probably dead and he goes anyway. The force theme kicks in and it’s all set up to say, “OK, this is his hero moment.” And then there’s the bait-and-switch of having her die in his arms and saying “No, this is actually the moment that seals his fate.”
  • I don’t know why, but I kind of love the moment of Young Boba walking out onto the battlefield and picking up his father’s helmet with the decapitated head still inside. With how little we got to know about Boba in the original trilogy, it contextualizes a lot about his character to learn that he’s wearing his dead dad’s armor.
  • Ewan McGregor. Where would this movie be without him? Everything he has to do, he fucking commits. Other actors feel, let’s say a little wooden at times, but McGregor gives every scene his all.

Episode III: 

  • If Episode II is by far the worst of the prequels, Episode III is the best by a huge margin. There’s a lot to like in this movie, some of the bigger, cheesier moments aside.
  • The camraderie between Obi Wan and Anakin. Right from the beginning, the chemistry between them is legitimately great. Holy shit, where was any of this in the last movie? It’s fun, almost Lethal Weapon-esque, plus it does a lot to set up the tragic stuff to come. 
  • Ian McDiarmind. Like Ewan McGregor, he sells every scene that he’s in. Even when he’s overacting, he’s acting just enough.
  • “Execute Order 66.” One of the big, shining moments of the prequels. It’s a really well done sequence that believably showcases the stakes of the rise of the Empire. 
  • “This is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” Of the West Wing political drama that was shoehorned into the prequels since Episode I spent half its running time talking about trade deals, it was all done to build to this moment, and the moment was admittedly chilling. 
  • The battle on Mustafar. It’s a really well done fight scene, but the best part of it is that McGregor completely conveys the pain and embarassment that Obi Wan feels for not only losing his brother, his best friend and only real connection for the past ten years, but also for failing so deeply, in his own eyes, at training the boy. 
  • As much as we like to make fun of “NOOOOO” part of the reason we don’t need that whole sequence of Vader’s first steps is that we already have the perfect moment of the helmet being secured onto his head for the first time and hearing those first drawn-out slow breaths. It’s the perfect “becoming Darth Vader” moment. We didn’t need anything else. 
  • The last shot of Owen holding baby Luke, looking out over the sunset, semi-recreating that perfect shot from “A New Hope,” that really is a great place to end the prequels on. Especially because both Episodes I and II ended in pretty awkward places.

And that’s been a very special installment of “Say something nice about the prequels.” May the 4th and all that.

Mystic Messenger RFA Rings and Proposals  (LONG POST)

*Edited to include V and Saeran as per request! 

Yoosung:


 Classic white gold band, Round cut white diamond  

  • Very traditional ring
  • Wanted to buy you something fancier, but poor baby couldn’t afford what he really thought you deserved
  • Starts working part-time at the local video game store to save up
  • Which is super tough because he’s trying to get his PhD at the same time
  • Still had to borrow some money from his parents for the down payment
  • Hopes you’ll love it anyway

The Proposal:

  • Since you both love video games so much, had to have something game related.
  • He designed an entire video game just for you
  • Asked (begged) to have 707 help program a simple 8-bit game
  • He may or may not have agreed to be 707’s snack slave for the rest of his life, but it would be worth it!
  • He’s clearly blushing and fidgety when he asks you if you want to play it
  • Such a sweet, shy baby
  • Sits so close to you and watches you plays with SUCH INTENSITY
  • The game takes you through various milestones in your relationship
  • The RFA party where you first met in person
  • The amusement park where you had your first real date
  • The bench by the river where you shared your first kiss
  • Interactions with the NPC’s reveal reasons why Yoosung loves you so much
  • You’re smiling so wide it hurts
  • Collect enough hearts and you get the super-secret treasure
  • The chest opens and the screen blinks “Will you Marry Me?”
  • Your head spins around and you see Yoosung has gotten down on to one knee
  • You wanted to cry before, but now you really want to cry
  • He tries really hard not blubber through his speech, but does a little bit anyway
  • HE SO NERVOUS AND EMOTIONAL
  • Throw your arms around him
  • So many tears
  • So much laughing
  • Baby was so nervous, but so happy you said yes
  • Whole thing was recorded on the webcam so you can watch it again and again

Jaehee:


Lotus yellow gold band, cushion cut white diamond

  • Simple and elegant
  • Not one for anything overly flashy
  • Plus with all your money going into your new cafe business she had to shop smartly
  • Only one who decides on yellow gold
  • Chooses the lotus band because of the ideology behind the flower (growing up through the mud and blossoming pure and beautiful)

The proposal:

  • Wanted something sweet and intimate
  • She doesn’t like drawing attention to herself, but still wants to make it unforgettable
  • Takes you to a fancy café at the heart of the city where you can sample coffee and pastries from around the world
  • Makes you think that it’s all a reconnaissance mission for your own little shop
  • You have absolutely no idea she’s going to propose for you
  • She had Jumin use his influence to arrange a private room for you two so you could enjoy your afternoon with no prying eyes or other distractions
  • She takes a little flower from the vase in the center of the table and tucks it behind your ear and calls you beautiful
  • ///BLUSH///
  • You sip on exotic coffees from Arabia, Columbia, and Hawaii and have wonderful, easy conversation
  • Behind with Jaehee feels so natural
  • Like breathing air
  • You’ve nearly eaten yourself sick on German strudel and French Macarons, but Jaehee asks if you have room for one more dessert
  • Who turns down more dessert?
  • Waiter places a slice of tiramisu in front of you and gingerly placed on the top is the ring
  • Your heart stops
  • Jaehee reaches across the table and gently takes your hands and asks you to marry her
  • You’re so shocked your heart is pounding, but you’re so happy
  • You eagerly agree
  • The two of you then feed each other forkfuls of tiramisu while gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes

Zen:


Infinity twist rose gold band, marquise cut pink diamond

  • Has an affinity for the dramatic and wanted your ring to be a testament to that
  • Chose pink diamond because it seemed more romantic
  • Chooses rose gold for the same reason
  • Infinity band because he hopes you’ll be together forever and ever

The proposal:

  • Did I mention this boy has a FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC??
  • Wants to make this the most unforgettable proposal the world has ever seen
  • You never miss opening night of any of his shows and he takes advantage of that
  • Has a seat front and center reserved for you
  • The sign on it says ‘The single most beautiful girlfriend in the whole world’ surrounded by hand drawn hearts and X’s and O’s.
  • There are roses on your seat, too since the sign clearly wasn’t enough already
  • You smile to yourself and take your seat
  • The show goes off without a hitch and earns a standing ovation at the end
  • Afterwards he settles the crowd down and says that there is a very special person in the audience that he wants to dedicate an encore to
  • It’s a song he wrote himself and had been working on for a long time
  • The lights go down, a single spotlight on Zen then he starts to sing
  • It’s slow and sweet at first and you’re tearing up a little, but then…
  • BAM
  • Backup dancers, flashing lights, hip-beats!
  • The whole thing is a bit overstimulating, but you can’t tear your eyes away and you can’t stop smiling
  • He looks and points at you the whole time
  • As the song is about to end he jumps off the stage and gets down on one knee in front of you and asks you to marry him
  • There is only a moment of silence before you scream ‘yes’
  • Then the music picks back up and
  • CONFETTI
  • CONFETTI EVERYWHERE
  • Every audience member was given a bag when they came in and they’re throwing it at you
  • You two will be picking it off of each other until your wedding day

Jumin:

Alvador platinum band, princess cut white diamond

  • NO EXPENSE SPARED
  • The diamond itself was over $20,000
  • Chose princess cut because you’re his princess
  • Couldn’t settle for anything less than platinum for the band
  • Only the best for MC
  • The bigger the better, let’s people know she’s taken from a distance
  • Setting is a bit much for your tastes, but you know he worked hard picking everything

The Proposal:

  • Did I say NO EXPENSE SPARED???
  • This boy never approved of his father and his slew of female companions
  • If he is every going to get married he is going to get married once so he has to make this proposal absolutely perfect
  • Approaches from a business standpoint
  • He makes a goddamn timetable to ensure that every little thing goes off without a hitch
  • CHECKLISTS, checklists everywhere
  • Wants to make a weekend out of it
  • Insists on taking you to Paris, you have both been absurdly busy and need some time away for rest and relaxation
  • Of course you take his private plane and get drunk in champagne on the way
  • Treats you to all the extravagances the City of Lights has to offer
  • Shopping in designer stores
  • Mid-morning spa treatments
  • Extravagant dinners
  • WINE
  • SO MUCH WINE
  • Finally on your last night, he takes you to the top of the Eiffel Tower
  • Paid to have it reserved just for you two
  • As you step out of the elevator there are flower arrangements, chiffon ribbon, there’s a guy playing a violin
  • You have to take a minute to catch your breath
  • He whispers something and suddenly there is Elizabeth 3rd (because of course she came with you guys)
  • He kneels down and removes something from her collar and…
  • JFC, IS THAT A DIAMOND
  • IT’S ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE!
  • Asks you to marry him and of course you cry ‘yes’!  

Saeyoung/707:

White gold studded band, pear cut yellow diamond

  • Pear cuts usually aren’t very popular, but he wanted to give you something as unique as you are
  • Dragged Vanderwood to the jewelry store with him to help him pick out the ring
  • They were of absolutely no help
  • Next time he takes Jaehee and she proves to be much more useful
  • Chose yellow diamond as well because it signifies you being the sunshine of his life

The Proposal:

  • This boy got things PLANNED OUT
  • Which is strange because he’s definitely more fly-by-the-seat-of-you-pants
  • He has been working on this for months
  • You pulled him out of a very dark place and he wants you to know how much he appreciates it
  • You wake up in the morning to a breakfast of honey buddha chips and PhD pepper on a tray on the bedside table
  • How… romantic
  • Still you smile to yourself and pick up the card that’s been left with it.
  • It takes you a good ten minutes to decipher Seven’s messy handwriting, but eventually you see it’s a clue
  • He set you up a scavenger hunt!
  • The clues take you all over the city and I mean ALL OVER
  • Mercifully, he has recruited Driver Kim to be your personal transport assistant for your adventure
  • All of his clues are very well thought out, he really makes you think
  • USE THAT BIG SEXY BRAIN
  • Almost all of them rhyme and feature some form of meme, joke, or pun
  • Some are in weird places like under benches or at the top of lamp posts or behind the soup cans at the supermarket
  • WORK FOR IT
  • At the end of it all you end up at the planetarium
  • It looks like it’s closed, but the clue couldn’t possibly mean anything else
  • You sneak in as discreetly as possible
  • You have worked too hard to give up now; possible breaking and entering aside 
  • You are heading down the hallway when the lights suddenly give out
  • You yelp a little, but look up and see your way has been illuminated by glow-in-the-dark stars  
  • You follow them to another to set of doors and push your way through
  • The room is pitch black and you swallow thickly, feeling the darkness starting to suffocate you slightly
  • Suddenly the ceiling lights and written in the stars are ‘Will you marry me?’ 
  • You look around wildly and find Seven emerging from the tech booth
  • OH MY GOD DID HE COMB HIS HAIR???
  • He gets down on one knee
  • “So, how about it? Will you be the rick to my roll?”
  • You manage to say yes through your hysterical laughing
  • “Never Gonna Give you Up” starts blasting through the speakers as you kiss
  • Oh, and he recorded the whole thing through various street cams

V:


White gold studded halo band, oval cut blue diamond

  • Being an artist, ensures that your ring is a beautifully crafted work of art
  • NO EXPENSE SPARED
  • However, opts for a more brilliant diamond rather than a fancy setting
  • He understand that sometimes less is more
  • Plus he is a pretty low-key guy himself
  • Simple and refined, but made unique by the blue diamond

The Proposal:

  • Being an extremely private person, wants your proposal to be sweet and intimate
  • This is meant to be special moment meant to only be shared between the two of you
  • He decides on one of his favorite travel destinations
  • Geneva, Switzerland
  • He wants it to be a surprise
  • Masquerades the whole thing as an opening to one of his new shows
  • It’s winter and everything is so frosty and shimmering
  • It’s like magic!
  • You spend the day exploring the nearby alps
  • You even cuddle and have hot cocoa at a mountain top cafe
  • When you return to the hotel you both dress for the gallery opening
  • You’re running a bit late and you feel bad because it had been you who wanted to stop in the square and see the mechanical clock play out
  • V assure you there is no rush, gently trailing his hand through your hair
  • As you proceed downstairs to the gallery space, you fully expect a roaring crowd to be waiting on the other side of the door
  • The door starts to open
  • Deep breath for composure, and…!
  • Nothing
  • The gallery is empty
  • You look over at V
  • BOY IS CHILL AS FUCK
  • BUT LOW-KEY PANICING INSIDE
  • “Would you like to see my work?” He offers his arm
  • You don’t really know what’s happening but you let him lead you
  • All the pictures are of you
  • Some of them are normal like you walking ahead of him or sitting in the park
  • Some are of you cooking or sleeping or brushing your teeth
  • MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GODDESS IN EVERY ONE
  • All the titles are a series of numbers you don’t understand
  • As you finish a round about the gallery V stops you
  • He explains that every title represents a moment in time where he fell more deeply in love with you
  • You’re on the verge of tears
  • When he pulls out the ring you actually start crying
  • What else could you say except ‘yes’?

Saeran:

 

Yellow gold classic band accented with rubies, emerald cut white diamond

  • BOY HAD THE HARDEST TIME PICKING THIS OUT
  • Went to at least ten different jewelry stores
  • He would get easily frustrated by overly pushy salespeople and end up leaving in a huff
  • Wants to get you something different, but worried you might not like it
  • Settles on something mildly traditional with a little flare
  • He liked the rubies because it reminded him of how fiery and passionate you are

The Proposal:

  • BOY WOULD BE SO UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO
  • He has very little self-confidence and his almost constantly paranoid
  • Very afraid that he wouldn’t come up with the right thing and you would reject him
  • Actually seeks advice from Saeyoung
  • NEVER FEAR
  • 707 DEFENDER OF JUSTICE IS HERE TO HELP
  • Decides on dedicating the day to all your favorite things
  • Can’t go wrong there, right?
  • First, you go the amusement park
  • Is determined to win you that giant stuffed whale you’ve been eyeing
  • Takes him about twenty tries and a threat to the employee running the game, but he does it
  • Then it’s lunch at the cat café
  • You just love the adorable themed desserts and of course all the cute kitties
  • Next up his karaoke!
  • Usually just likes to watch you have fun, but sings at least one song with you
  • You’re so surprised
  • Saeran doesn’t really like doing any of these things, but now it seems like he’s really making an effort to have fun with you?
  • As the end of the day approaches, you start to notice him getting frustrated
  • WELL MORE THAN USUAL
  • He just about stopped talking
  • He keeps putting his hands in his pockets so you can’t hold them
  • What’s wrong with him?
  • You come to your last destination, the park where you had your first date
  • You take a seat near the fountains and admire the lights from the surrounding city
  • Saeran is fidgeting
  • A LOT
  • He has something in his hands
  • “Saeran, what’s wrong?”
  • FACE TURNS BEAT RED
  • “Well, I uh… I just I…”
  • STAMMERING LIKE FOOL
  • Suddenly stands and screams, hands fisted in his hair
  • “Why am I so stupid?! I can’t believe I actually thought I could ask you to marry me!”
  • Wait…
  • Marry?
  • Shouts that this whole day was supposed to lead up to him proposing to you
  • AND HE’S A STUPID ASSHOLE FOR THINKING HE COULD DO IT
  • You wouldn’t want to marry him
  • He has too much baggage…
  • You pause a moment
  • You bolt up from you seat and march over to him
  • And snatch what you now realize is the ring box from his hands
  • IT’S SO PRETTY
  • You slip it on your finger and admire it in the light
  • “I hope you realize this means ‘yes’.” you say
  • BOY IS SHOCKED
  • After a few moments breaks out into the biggest most genuine grin you’ve ever seen
  • He worried for nothing

anonymous asked:

prompt: Isak is used to Even feeding him from time to time bc he knows his bf kinda has a thing for cooking him meals & making sure he eat something, so he naturally opens his mouth when even goes "aah" but the truth is they're currently in the school cafetaria so now everybody (the boy/girl squad, and other passerby's) just stops and stares at them. even is very pleased with himself but isak has turned into a literal tomato

i cannot fucking believe i wrote more than 1000 words of this borderline crack shit but here you go anon!! i hope you enjoy. 


It starts, as most things do, with Isak simply opening his damn mouth. 

Isak’s still hovering at the edge of sleep when Even pulls him into the kitchen for breakfast. They have plans with the boys this morning, but Isak is regretting it now that Even is close and warm, and all Isak wants to do is drag him back to bed so they can continue what they’d started last night. He should never have introduced his boyfriend to his damn friends. On Monday, he’d caught Even snapping pictures of Isak trying to cram an entire donut into his mouth. The next day, Jonas had, very calmly, asked him, “What would you rather stuff in your mouth, Even, or that donut?” 

They all have it out for him, really.

“Let’s skip breakfast and come back to bed,” Isak says groggily. “There’s no food here anyway. Eskild’s started this weird diet, and all we have is kale.” Isak shudders, and his voice drops. “I tried it once, and I’m pretty sure kale is just a weird health nut conspiracy to keep all the good stuff for themselves. They probably have, like, 100 warehouses worth of powdered donuts saved up because they’ve converted so many people.”

“I like kale,” Even says easily. He sticks two slices of bread in the toaster and starts rummaging through the drawers for more food. Logically, Isak knows that he could start doing his own damn groceries, instead of relying on Eskild to do it for him. Then, he could buy as many packages of Double Stuf Oreos as he wants. But that would require work, or leaving his damn bed when Even spends so much time in it. It’s a lot to sacrifice.

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because i said i couldn’t stop myself from writing a dumb flowershop drabble based on this post. all credit for any sort of intellect goes there. all trashy blame goes to me – i’m so sorry. 

kylux - 1.5k - flowershop au

hux is arranging a wildflower inspired wreath when the door to the shop opens and the tiny bell attached jingles, interrupting the lovely melody of chopin’s op. 9 no. 1. hux doesn’t look up yet – people tend to wander amongst the flowers for a few moments before approaching the till, so he has time to straighten the fennel and lavender into a more aesthetically pleasing arrangement.

he is peering into small blue corn flowers, trying to nestle a bleached deer antler into the arrangement when someone slams their palm down onto the till. the loud noise would be startling, if hux were the type to easily startle – but he isn’t, so it it is merely rude and annoying. the sudden and harsh movement does jostle his arrangement slightly, so he feels justified in frowning at the stranger when he finally does look up.

“may i help you?” hux cannot keep the sneer out of his voice, but he also makes little effort to. customer service has never been his forte – but flower arranging is. he’s the best, and his clients know it. he doesn’t need customer service getting in his way.

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anonymous asked:

*curtsies* Hi Duke! Why do you find Reagan so fascinating in King Lear?

*Curtsies* Oh man. Where do I even start? Once upon a time someone asked me to talk about my Shakespearean faves (Edmund here, Benvolio here) and I think Regan may have edged Marge out for Top 3, so here goes, buckle up:

Regan is like the classically overlooked middle sibling. People (*cough* critics) tend to treat her as a kind of midway point between her sisters, like the demarcating knot in the virgin/whore tug-o-war that is early modern drama and life in general, but she’s actually so much more complex than that. Regan, if you ask me, is actually the smartest and most interesting of the Lear sisters. Goneril is a magnificent witch of a woman, don’t get me wrong, but she’s a loose canon. She’s reckless, volatile, impatient. She looks before leaping, and that ends in utter fucking catastrophe, as anyone who’s read the play already knows. Cordelia, on the opposite end of the spectrum, is about as interesting as dry toast, apart from her freaky Freudian relationship with her dad. She’s a grossly idealized early modern woman martyr: demure, soft-spoken, willing to forgive the most monstrous wrongs men have done to her at the drop of a hat. (“No cause, no cause!” is the most bullshit line in this entire play. ALL THE CAUSE IN THE FUCKING WORLD, JESUS DELIA DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING DOORMAT. Anyway.) Then you have Regan. Regan takes nobody’s shit. She sees her father’s folly right from the start and starts calculating. She’s clever. She knows everything’s about to go to hell in a handbasket, and unlike Goneril, who just flies off the handle, and Cordelia, who takes it all lying down, Regan and her ‘fiery’ husband (more on him anon) actually figure out how to make this clusterfuck work in their favor. 

So, let’s talk about Regan and Cornwall. I fucking love Cornwall, and I fucking love their relationship. These two are like what the Macbeths might have been if Macbeth had ever been able to actually smother his conscience and get on his wife’s level. We don’t see much of Cornwall but what we do see is that he doesn’t fuck around. He deals with Kent’s rabble-rousing and Gloucester’s treason immediately, brutally, and with his own bare hands. Most interestingly, though, he and his wife share a kind of equality rarely seen in Shakespeare, and not seen anywhere else in this play. Cordelia is painfully submissive by comparison, and while Goneril certainly isn’t submissive, she and her husband constantly clash and challenge one another’s authority. Not so with the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall. They’re in sync, and they’re violently in love. Look at how Cornwall talks about his wife at the end of 2.4: “My Regan counsels well.” That may not look terribly affectionate but it really, really is by early modern standards. My Regan. That possessive pronoun and the use of her first name are incredibly intimate. And she counsels well. He’s letting her call the shots; why argue? He knows she’s right, and he doesn’t need to do anything more than ratify what she’s already said, for the idiots who need someone with a dick to confirm it. 

But here’s what makes their relationship really interesting, especially to a sicko like me: In their punishment of Kent and later torture of Gloucester they reveal a kind of sadomasochistic eroticism that they both take part and pleasure in. When Cornwall puts Kent in the stocks and says, “There shall he sit till noon,” Regan one-ups him: “Till noon? Till night, my lord, and all night too!” This pattern of her urging him to greater cruelty repeats itself in the next act. Cornwall sends Goneril and Edmund out of the room because the torture of Gloucester is unfit for their eyes, but he’s not worried about Regan. He knows she’s no faint-hearted girl, and if you don’t think they both get hot and bothered by a little BDSM, go back and read 3.7 again. When Cornwall instructs his servants to bind up Gloucester, Regan follows with, “Hard, hard!” But he doesn’t threaten physical violence until Gloucester insults his wife, and that’s a fatal mistake. That’s how you get your eyeballs ripped out: talking smack about the Duke of Cornwall’s wife. But here again we have Regan pushing Cornwall to even more intense atrocity–he rips one eyeball out but she’s the one who insists he take the other, too. And in the next moment we have a reversal of Cornwall’s earlier umbrage at Gloucester insulting his wife, a pattern which repeats and alternates through the rest of the scene: A servant is bold enough to question Cornwall’s judgment and Regan is the one to reply: “How now, you dog!” So the servant insults her instead and that’s it–he’s done for. Cornwall attacks him, they fight, Cornwall is wounded, and Regan grabs a fucking sword and kills the servant herself. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT. SHE TAKES UP A SWORD AND MURDERS THE MAN TRYING TO KILL HER HUSBAND. And *crucially* Cornwall has no problem with this. He doesn’t even comment on it, and let me tell you, it is a rare early modern man who lets his wife take up a weapon and do his killing for him without so much as a soliloquy about how threatened his fragile manhood is. Cornwall doesn’t give a shit. Regan is the fucking queen of his world and you literally cannot convince me that if she tried to stab him with his own damn sword he wouldn’t be 100% willing to let her and 100% turned on by it. Cornwall’s kinky but he’s also a goddamn feminist. Fight me.

Tragically, we don’t get to see any sexy swordplay, because Cornwall has been fatally injured. But I don’t want to gloss the end of this scene because it might be my favorite in the whole canon. It’s fucking amazing. Regan murders a servant while her grievously wounded husband somehow summons the strength or maybe just the pure apoplectic rage to rip Gloucester’s other eye out. It’s literal bloody fucking anarchy, and it ends with maybe my favorite line in the whole play. Gloucester is bleeding and blinded in a heap on the floor and what does Regan say? “Go thrust him out at gates, and let him smell / His way to Dover.” AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. I am sorry, but it does not get any more cold-blooded or hardcore than that. Bow down to the duchess, motherfuckers. You thought Lady M was cold? Oh, my sweet summer child. But I digress: it does get sad here, because Cornwall is dying. Let’s talk about his last line, though: “Regan, I bleed apace. / Untimely comes this hurt. Give me your arm.” And that’s the last we see of him, leaning on his wife as she helps him offstage to die. Look, I get that they’re vicious terrible people, but this still tears me up, because they’re not *quite* heartless. Cornwall is a human fucking fireball of unadulterated rage and poor impulse control and in his last moments what does he do? He lets his wife support him–just like he let her take up a sword and try to save him, fuck your misogyny–even though there are a bunch of servants standing around doing nothing. In his last moments he wants her. Fuck me. Fuck everything. OTP. 

But, of course, the play’s not over for Regan, not by a long shot. We don’t see her again until 4.5, which is some time later. And we see her cleverness come out again. She’s not going to let her husband’s death derail her. She has other plans (and I absolutely think Cornwall would be cheering her on from hell). We know, crucially, that she and her sister end up getting into what I once saw a critic describe as a ‘fatal catfight’ over Edmund, but there’s a distinct difference in how they behave towards him. Goenril is nothing but fucking hormones. She’s sick of her morally upright husband and tells Edmund about forty different ways that she wants him in her bed as soon as Albany’s out of it (if not before). But Regan’s interest in him is very different. She doesn’t use the same erotically charged language. She wants him, but she wants him because he’s useful as well as fuckable. And the first thing she wants him to do is finish what Cornwall started and kill his own father. My guess is she’s using this as a kind of test run, to see if he could maybe, somehow, take her late husband’s place. But the most telling line she has is later in the scene when she says, “My lord is dead; Edmund and I have talk’d, / And more convenient is he for my hand / Than for your lady’s.” Convenient. That’s what she calls it. Convenient. For her, this is not about wanting to get naked and get freaky. This is about power, and she knows she’ll have greater power as soon as she’s married again, and with someone as cunning as Edmund on her side. I don’t think she’s ready to move on from Cornwall at all, not really, but because she’s wickedly smart she’s weighing her options. If she can’t have Cornwall, Edmund might be the next best thing. Notably, she uses that same word again–”convenient”–in 5.1, when she sees right through Goneril’s ploy to get Edmund alone. She doesn’t want that to happen, and I think it’s less about envy than about Goneril being an idiot. Regan can’t afford to lose Albany’s support, and if he finds out his wife is cheating on him with his co-captain he can–and does–fuck everything up for them. I think it’s also possible that she has some kind feelings toward Albany and doesn’t want to see him publicly humiliated. He certainly has a soft spot for her–at least, I think he does–but that’s another theory and this post is already way too long. 

This is just about where everything goes to hell. In what is perhaps the most hilarious exchange to ever happen in a tragedy Regan publicly tries to claim Edmund as her future husband and is contradicted by Albany, Goneril, and flying accusations of treason and adultery. But her strength is failing too fast for her to keep up. We don’t ever hear how or when this happened, but we know that she’s been poisoned by that impulsive bitch Goneril in a fit of envy. And at last she leaves the stage, led off by a herald to collapse and die in Albany’s tent, in a tragic parallel of her husband leaving the stage, led by her, two acts previously. Of all the other major players she’s the first to die, and I can’t help but wonder how many of the last disasters might have been averted if she hadn’t. She dies, Goneril unexpectedly offs herself in a moment of guilt and despair (more on this here), and everyone else follows in quick succession. Regan’s been the only one keeping this sinking ship above water and without her it goes down so fast the surviving characters don’t even know what hit them. It’s fucking tragic, for a million reasons. But one of them–to me at least–is that in 400 years Regan has suffered almost total critical neglect, and she deserves way more recognition than she gets. My hat’s off to her. I hope she and Cornwall and Edmund are enjoying a savage threeway kinkfest in literary hell, when they aren’t too busy running the place. 

So, that’s the long justification. Regan and Cornwall 2016, thank you good day.