No Mourners, No Funerals.

I haven’t been posting much at all recently, only because I haven’t been feeling myself lately. But sometimes that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Ever pause to realise how much you’ve changed? There are some days I’m overwhelmed with emotion, the girl I once knew has perished. A new woman is before this mirror of mine waiting to seize the day.

Renewal is only natural. In this present moment we’re all evolving with such speed and such ferocity - every detail is a blur.

That beautiful phrase - “stop and smell the roses” reminds me of this. It reminds me that we’re all in this fast-paced race, our attention is always on what is to come. Whether that be dinner or the next assignment to feat.

Change is never a bad thing, we don’t just need to evolve… we rely on it.

Accept your changes, transform into the person you want your children to be one day. Place everything into perspective, every detail is always worth a second glance.

Smell the roses, run through the fields. Be free.

Exam Eyebrows #2

Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with eyebrows

I haven’t posted in a while, I think It’s expected now anyway- y’all know I’m a slacker for this blog. But for real, university has been sucker-punching me in every direction, this entire week has been a procrastination marathon. With a multitude of assignments due in a week from now and exams - SWOTVAC right around the corner, you shouldn’t even be reading this to be honest - I shouldn’t be writing this right now either.

But sometimes priorities change and a simple task of venting/reading can unclog all that gunk from our minds, fingers crossed for this writers block I’m going through at the moment too.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently, mainly about how nearly twenty-one years of my life has just flied by without me realising. I keep wondering about what I’ve achieved so far and more importantly what my future holds for me. As a student, sure I go to uni three days a week, work twice a week without the slightest hesitation - but when do I give myself time to reflect about where I’m at right now?

I don’t think most of us do. Activities like yoga or mediation help us reach that reflective state, and I desperately want to reach to experience that peace of mind.

I think I’m at a stage where I know I don’t need the things I used to think I did. New clothes, shoes, jewellery - they’re not as visually appetising as they used to be. Before my *stuff* held such an important place in my life, I really can’t believe I was that blindsided in the past. But I guess that’s what growth is all about, I thought wearing pigtails to school in the sixth grade was cute - now I know better.

I just know there’s more to life than waking up, going to uni and work - coming back home, watching chick flicks then sleeping. There’s a reason we’re all alive today, I marvel at the fact our hearts beat 24/7 an electrical pulse jolting our hearts every second of our lives. Maybe I’m just being poetic, but I know there’s more to life than what’s on the surface. I hope we figure it out together x

A Monster, A Friend, and a Blessing in disguise.

Where did this monster come from? I didn’t sign up or agree to this. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to befriend who I found out years later, was my worst enemy. It found me. This monster has tried, is trying and will continue to try to destroy me if I don’t put it to rest for good. It’s so much easier said than done. Think of it this way, getting rid of this  “monster” is similar to a child giving up his or her my “security blanket.” Its been with me, its grown with me, and for a while, it was a part of me. It was my sense of security, comfort, confidence, it was my “super hero cape”, it promised to offer protection and keep me “happy.” This monster is not make believe. It lives with me and hides under my bed until  I wake up and take my first breath….one breath is all I would get until the monster was awake and planning my day for me. I allowed it to walk with me and dictate my every move and thought. Little did i realize this monster that claimed to give me “everything”, gave me nothing. In fact, it did quite the opposite. At one point, it took almost everything I had to live for. My happiness,confidence,worth,passion,presence,voice, and much more. But you see, that’s what “it” does.It appears to be your best friend.Which is so dangerous. You see, the longer you keep “it” around, the harder it is to then destroy. “It” will beg, plead and lie to convince you to hold onto it. And to be honest, I fell for its cries after spending a whole summer slowly prying it from me, limb by limb, and as I was dangling it above its fiery death bed, I fell to its cry and couldn’t find it in me to let go and end  the monster’s reign once and for all.Big mistake. It wasn’t kind. It came back with  a vengeance, it came back like a toddler’s worst tantrum. It threw and broke things that I had just put back in place. Was I mad at myself for giving it a second chance? Yes. But, I also did something very important. I found forgiveness. Not for the monster….for myself. In life, were going to make a mistake, were going to be stuck at a fork in the road and take the wrong path, we cant blame ourselves for being human. And in spite of “mistakes” being seen as a bad thing :Hanging on was the most beautiful mistake I’ve ever made, it forced me to go back, to learn more, to work harder and want more in life than this. So, what did I do? I took another trip to “the hardware store” and inherited a new set of tools to try and fix things ( hopefully for good this time.) Where are these tools now you might ask? In my hands. I have a tight grip and I’m going to work. I’m loosening the bolts and cracking the chains. Slowly, but surely I’m freeing myself from being a slave to such a destructive, dangerous and miserable and ugly creature. This time, when I have it dangling by a single finger, I will let go. I will stand and watch as all of its power and control burns into ashes before my eyes. And then, I will be free.