poots'

Day Sixty-Six

-I began an eight-hour shift dreading the night to come, wanting nothing more than to be in bed. Ten minutes in, a sweet older woman offered to buy me a drink to make my day a little easier. A little reminder of the good people out there like this was all it took to turn my day around, and I hope she understands how grateful I am.

-A small girl, while being rolled out of the store, made her parents stop. I watched on, enraptured, to see what business she had to attend to, only to see her stand up and wave to the store, shouting, “Bye, line!” This is better than anything I could have hoped for out of such a small bundle of joy.

-I had to deny a woman’s coupon. This was an overall underwhelming moment, until she exclaimed, “Oh, poot!” and cemented her place in my greatest memories forever.

-While Cat Lady waited in an adjacent line, a woman approached the cashier and slid her $100, instructing her to pay for Cat Lady’s small Christmas tree and give her the change. When Cat Lady received the news and the remaining $90, her face lit up more than I ever though possible. The cashier suggested that she could use the change to eat somewhere nice tonight. This was a good idea, but Cat Lady’s decision to return to the store and buy nine more Christmas trees was, frankly, better.

-I am reasonably certain that Norse god of thunder Thor is currently on a bender and purchasing cat accessories in Southwestern Virginia.

-An elderly woman gave an adorable infant two dollars just for saying “hello” to her. This is the sort of racket I have been chasing all my life and now I want in.

-Upon returning to my lane after briefly stepping away, I found that someone had deposited a child there for me. Moments later I discovered that the parents were just three feet away at the soda machine and had not left their firstborn as an offering. This is for the best, as while I appreciate the gesture, I do not believe I can accept sacrifices while clocked in.

-An eight year-old conducted their entire purchase on their own and never have I had such a delightful and well-behaved guest who left me so genuinely happy to be working.

-Angrily, an old man stated, “You know I only get popcorn once a year.” I do not know why this is such a rarity for the man but I now know better than to ever get between him and his buttery indulgence. 

-”This cup was in here when I got the cart,” a man told me without prompting, regarding a Starbucks cup in the bottom of the cart. “It wasn’t mine. I didn’t put it there. I don’t even drink coffee. I didn’t buy that.” It might just be me, but this man seems to have become awfully defensive over this cup I had not even noticed.

-I discovered a small, restaurant-sized packet of pepper underneath the bags at my register. How did you get there, small friend? Who put you there? What is your plan? What led you here? Why is contemplating this how I am spending this rare break from the rush?

-I entered the break room on lunch with the intent of getting a soda from the vending machine before going out to get food. I found that the soon-opening Buffalo Wild Wings had made a large batch of food in training and had sent it to our store for the team members to enjoy. Sometimes good things happen in life, but rarely one as good as this. 

-Organizing the card wall, I found that someone had thrown a selection of My Little Pony toys on the floor and placed a Lego toy in front of it. I immediately suspected a rambunctious young boy, but I discovered that someone had done the same to a display of football cards. My list of suspects has been narrowed to gender-neutral rebels with a penchant for building. If you are reading this, I will find you, I will confront you, and I will shake your hand.

Humans in spaaaaace

Had this thought last night as I lay falling asleep. We have all these space-exploration-ensemble shows with a bunch of aliens each of which has some sort of super-human power, more or less. And humans are always given ~leadership~ as their special power. The ability to bring people together, to organize shit, and I always thought, like…what a shitty power. What a shitty colonial “you were a mess until we came in and saved you” power. Drives me nuts. Seems like if an alien species builds a got-damn ship that can fly through got-damn space they probably have their shit together, right? At least somewhat?

So then I figure, what is humanity got to contribute to all these super-beings? We’re just nonsense reckless critters careening through space. Seems like we’d be more trouble than we’re worth.

But what if…I mean, what if that’s us. We’re the universe’s huckleberries. We’ll run headlong into danger, and we’ll *laugh*. And what if…what if we survive and a weirdly abnormally high rate. Like any alien with two bits of math can put together that we should have wiped ourselves out a long time ago with the first set of “hold my beer, and watch this.” So what the shit, how are we still banging around the universe building shit and flying off solar ramps into the sun while doing some spaceship equivalent of an ollie while crushing beer cans on our forehead. Why. Why do we exist.

And then it hits me. We survive. We’re super good at it. Uncannily good at it. So much so that we…I mean, we actually bend probability in our favor. It’s absurd. And it totally falls flat if you actually tell us this (“Never tell me the odds,” said Solo, knowing full well that knowing the odds kills a human’s chances of survival).

So there we are. Careening around the universe. Joining alien crews because they know that with a human on board, especially a cocky human in some kind of leadership position, can warp probability to stretch success in their favor. And they can never ever tell us this. So instead they just pat our heads and tell us we’re just so good at ~leadership~ and that’s what makes humans special

But really…we’re just a bunch of space dinguses.

the signs as memes in 2015

aries: traitor stormtrooper

taurus: hobo and glunkus

gemini: if you’re reading this it’s too late

cancer: gun

leo: *looks at smudged writing on hand*

virgo: iii meme

libra: kinkshaming

scorpio: Dan Nicky your bobbie s

sagittarius: JOHN CENAAA

capricorn: rare pepe

aquarius: WHAT ARE THOOOOSE

pisces: poot lovato