As a femme lesbian who is attracted to femme women, I find myself dating bisexual girls all of the time. I used to think shit I need to find a lesbian because I’m scared bi girls will leave me for a man, but I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that maybe bisexual girls end up with men because lesbians are assholes to them. Because we are scared shitless of feeling less than because we don’t have a penis. They don’t feel like they’re a part of our community and in turn we throw all of the HOT and interesting women back into the pool with the sharks. So to all my bi girls out there, thank you for living your truth and not letting other people erase your relationship history or sexual preferences. And thank you for having sex with me.
12x11 “Regarding Dean” “My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Mary Winchester is my mom and Cas… Cas is my best friend…”
I’m sure this scene has been giffed and edited about a million times by now and really no one needs it another time on their dash, but I needed to express just how amazing Jensen’s acting here was, how you could see how the knowledge is slipping from Dean’s mind and how he desperately tries to grip it but the faster he holds on to it the more it slips away. It is actually a really sad metaphor for Dean’s entire life. ;____; How he tries to hold his family together, afraid of ending up alone and then gets to hear “everybody leaves you, Dean”. Here even Dean is leaving Dean kind of and it’s just…. ;______;
That said, I especially adored this scene, because it has been such a recurring stylstic device over the past seasons with Dean and the mirror shots. From “9x23 “Do You Believe in Miracles” when he looks at himself in the mirror when he is locked up after he cuts Gadreel and tries to assess who he is and what is happening to him to 10x17 “Inside Man” where we see Dean wash his hands after being the pool shark at the bar and he catches himself flash black eyes for a second or the most memorable last mirror scene (these are really just a handful of incidents the mirror shots have been extensively used throughout the MoC arc) moment in 10x23 “Brother’s Keeper” when Dean desperately seems to wash his hands clean looks into the mirror and sees Cas and Rudy staring back at him confronting him with what he did and what he has become. This week’s mirror moment can be seen perfectly in line with all of these other instances of mirror shots exploring the issue of identity. Countless times we have seen Dean try and touch base and asess who he is by looking at himself in the mirror and often times not liking what/who look back at him. But at least before his reflection wasn’t a blank as it is now.
So when Dean is looking into the mirror and actually directly into the camera it reads like a cry for help, he’s trying to piece together who he is by looking at himself, but this person who is looking back can’t provide any stability, may well be a stranger and has just as little knowledge who the person is that is refelected in there. After all he cannot even remember his name. And names… names hold power. But Dean lost everything, his name, himself, his identity. And yes, that is scary as hell.
I was always afraid of the gym. Of the monsters that lurked within. A land of giants I had no place intruding.
Sports, fitness and I were never on very good terms, especially when I was a teenager. I was the academic, the imagineer, the dreamer, the geek, the nerd. Whichever way you cut it, there was very much a difference between myself and my “sporty” peers. I’m not going to say “jocks”, because growing up in England we never had that kind of tribalism. But I was a peaceful soul who preferred to bury himself in books and science fiction; they were the brutes who pushed me against the corridor walls, gave me physical and mental torment for my lack of caring for my appearance, for my indifference to their ways. I didn’t even support a football (soccer) team, which in England is nearly as much a capital offence as non-support of rugby is in New Zealand.
Teenage Beastpup in England
So picture me as a young man going through puberty, being inspired by the muscular physiques of bodybuilders like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jay Culter, Flex Wheeler, Markus Ruhl… monsters, stirring something within me. A desire to be more. A desire to change. To express myself through growth.
But I was scared.
No matter how much I wanted it…I felt I could never, ever join a gym. It would be torture… I’d be like chum in a pool of sharks. Surely from the moment I stepped foot inside my tender, nerd-like nature would be sniffed out by the others, and I would be mocked, tortured anew. Or even then, could I handle seeing how skinny I was compared to the others, when my body dysmorphia took over? Or would my family and friends even understand and join in the mocking that I, the twig, was trying to change himself in the gym? And people would see how sexual it was for me. How much I wanted it… I could never be normal enough… could never get over all these mental hurdles…
Until the day I did.
Moving to New Zealand in my early 20s brought a lot of changes and positive adjustments to my life. Away from my past, I was free in a new place to start anew. It took many, many months of convincing myself still, but at last I had enough of always wanting and never having. At long last… I was going to join a gym. It was now or never.
And so my mission began.
Because I couldn’t just walk in there! Oh no. Couldn’t just waltz into the natives encampment… I had to disguise myself first. I had to present myself to the tribe as one of them. Prior to going to the gym, I took myself off to the local sportswear store which was in of itself terrifying as a place I’d never stepped foot in. I despised those overpriced, branded goods put together in sweatshop factories by kids overseas… but for this, I would make the leap. I bought my clothes… a gym bag. Looked up online, I think, what people normally took to the gym… water bottle, towel. It took me a week to psych myself up but finally… I did it. I entered the land of monsters. I went to the local gym and like a meek doormouse, asked the young lady at the reception if I could join.
Everything that happened after was so very, very different from all my fears. I was welcomed. I was taken in, I was given my induction by helpful trainers… they equipped me with the confidence to be in that environment, and weren’t intimidating at all! Nor were the other guys there… everyone was just doing their own thing. No torture, no mocking. Just a common pursuit. Fitness. Growth.
The years since have been a blur; a lot has happened in my life. But the gym has always been there… it went from feeling like an alien outpost, to something else. Home. I am at home in the gym. I live for it. I know it. It has become my playground. My stomping ground. And just this week I looked in the mirror, now that I have grown, and I can see staring back at me:
I am now the monster I was afraid of.
I made my dream come true, and in the process lost my fears. And I’ll say to anyone; you can have this too. You can be it. But if you still have your fear, I understand. But you don’t have to be afraid of the monsters. You’ll be one of them if you want. You just have to work. You just have to leave fear behind.
Being a bartender, Eren had seen his fair share of assholes and douchebags, some good looking and others wishing they were. He’d seen a lot of things. Most of those things having to do with the couple of old pool tables lined up in the back of the room, surrounded by too many people that caused too much noise for Eren to enjoy.
Lately, the people had thinned out —not that Eren was complaining— and he was pretty sure that it had something to do with the man who always eyed Eren like the piece of eye candy that he was. Sure, people flirted with Eren all the time, men and women of all sorts but no one had eyed him like this man had.
It was his third week in a row he had come into the bar, always making his way to the back. He picked up a pool cue, eyeing it before looking up at Eren and smirking. Eren didn’t think much of it at first, wiping the counter down with a wet rag as he glanced over occasionally. The man was good, beating anyone and everyone that stepped foot up to the same pool table that he was playing at. He always left with a wad of money in his pocket.
As the days ticked by, the tips became more generous as he left. The bills he left for Eren became bigger and bigger and the flirting became bolder. Eren was enjoying it a little too much. He’d finally learned the man’s name a few days ago; Levi.
“You’re in a little late tonight,” Eren commented at Levi sat at the bar, tugging at his leather jacket. Eren swore that he never took it off because he wore it everyday when he came in. Eren wasn’t sure if Levi was trying to show off or prove how much money he was making as a pool shark.
“Did you miss me?”
Eren raised an eyebrow, glancing over to the other man as his lips formed into a smirk. “Something like that.” Eren replied with a casual shrug. “What’ll it be?”
Levi leaned forward on the counter, chin resting on his interlocked fingers as he brought his elbows up. “Give me a blowjob.”
Eren stopped for a moment. Of course he knew it was a drink, but it wasn’t one that he usually made. Levi’s expression was hard to read but from the look that flashed in his eyes, Eren could sense the innuendo behind his words.
He didn’t bother saying anything, giving a nod and Levi smirked even more, sliding off the barstool. He made his way over to the pool table, making sure to have Eren’s attention each time he leaned over it, sticking his ass out each time. Eren almost dropped the glass in his hand when Levi looked over his shoulder and bit his lip, hips giving a small thrust as he thrust the pool cue to hit the ball without even watching.
Eren sucked on his teeth, taking a moment to stare at the counter with furrowed eyebrows as he wiped it down aggressively. He ignored Levi’s drink order, waiting until the man came up to the counter with a slight frown on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.
“Where’s my blowjob?”
He shrugged, staring at the glass in his hand as he cleaned it before looking up at Levi with a smirk. “I’m a bit swamped right now, the bar is busy.” Levi opened his mouth to say something but Eren held up a hand to stop him. “But, my shift ends at one. Meet me by the back door and I’ll have it for you then.”
It took Levi a moment before a grin passed over his face and it was the most expressive that Eren had ever seen him before his face returned back to it’s usual stoic look. He smirked, giving a nod and placed a bill on the counter.