* Licked out a creme egg in the break room once and got four marriage proposals and reported to HR for obscenity.
* Her flawless ponytail is insured for £17million like J-Lo’s arse.
* Once brutally killed nine attackers armed with only a roll of polo mints and a hair bobble. Her handler was so traumatised by the carnage that he had to go on sick leave for several months. It’s still not clear how she did it.
* Did a mathematics & statistics degree in her spare time for fun and hit Eggsy with a chair when he tried to mansplain what “fun” was.
* The last time she cried was a single tear she deliberately squeezed out while holding uncomfortable eye contact with an ex-boyfriend who said she was heartless. The tear was made of granite.
* Seduces the mother of any man who disrespects her.
1)Who would be constantly kissing the other?
You would. You can never get enough of his kisses and it always leaves him smiling knowing how much you love them.
2) Who’s the big spoon and little spoon?
Alex would be the big spoon. Just like his baby brother, he loves having you in his arms.
3) Fuck or make love?
Mainly fuck I would say. But probably a bit of both in there.
4) Who’s on top?
Alex is. He loves watching you writhe and moan beneath him and he can’t do that from below you.
5) Who wakes up first?
Alex does. He’s an early riser, a habit he became accustomed to after his time in the army.
6) Who constantly wants to hold the other?
You both do. You both just love hugging one another at the most random of times.
7) Who has a sweet tooth?
You do. Alex is too much of a health freak to have a sweet tooth, but you think he’s secretly obsessed with polo-mints cause he nearly always carries a packet with him.
Strawberry flavoured of course.
8) Who’s the singer out of the two of you?
Alex is. His baby brother got it from somewhere and Alex got it from their mom who would always sing him to sleep when he was a kid and he loved every second of it.
9) Who’s the bigger nerd?
Alex is. Comics and books are his weakness, especially classics like Lord of the rings or Dracula. He’ll read them to you sometimes at night while your trying to get to sleep while curled up in his arms under the covers.
10) Who’s terrified of horror flicks?
You both are. Neither of you will go near them. Books on the other hand are a different story. Alex just hates seeing them on the big screen and you just generally find them pretty damn terrifying.
11) Who wants to stay in bed the longest?
Alex does. Just another minute in bed with you in his arms is all he asks for and very seldom gets.
12) Who says the first ‘I love you’?
It wasn’t anything special or overly romantic. You were just sitting on the couch watching TV with the other X-Men, when Alex suddenly leans down, presses a kiss to your forehead and says “I love you, you know”
You looked up at him. Shocked at how sudden it had been.
“I love you too, Alex”
13) Who gets jealous?
You both do. If he sees another guy who isn’t Scott, talking to you he’ll quickly come over and slide his arm around your waist. Just to let the guy know your taken.
Similarly, if you see Raven or someone else clearly flirting with him, you’ll sneak up behind him and wring your arms around his neck, forcing him o break away from the conversation.
Your both very protective of one another and you need to make sure the other is okay.
14) Who would sing your baby to sleep?
He would. He has a beautiful voice which you just love the sound of. And apparently your baby does too.
15) Who needs the most reassurance?
You do. You can get a little insecure just like he does, and Alex is always there to give you a hug and some words of reassurance.
16) Who just wants to be held by the other?
Both of you love hugging one another and most of the time you hold each other. There are a few exceptions.
Like the time he had to go off to Vietnam. He was absolutely terrified, but willing to serve.
You held him that night while gently stroking his sandy, golden hair?
Or the time he thought you were dead after he list sight of you on the beach in Cuba. He held you so damn tight that night you could hardly even breathe.
17) Who whispers the dirtiest things in the others ear at all the wrong times?
He does. The most filthiest of words leave his mouth at completely random points during the day. As he whispers them in your ear, you’ve got to resist the urge to excuse yourself and use the bathroom, and sometimes he’ll follow you and your restive the issue there.
18) Who knocks everything over?
You do. Your a little on the clumsy side and Alex finds it absolutely adorable.
19) Who wants a baby?
Neither of you do. You don’t want to have to raise a child into the life you both had to live. Being persecuted and discriminated against by humans was something you’d both had to put up with all your life, and didn’t want your baby to have to put up with the same thing.
That being said, Alex always wage a baby girl and you told him that if one day, things got better, which they did, that you would love to try with him.
20) Who brings home all the stray animals?
Your both absolute suckers for dogs and would bring one home in a heartbeat, much to the professors dismay.
21) Who gets the most nightmares?
Neither of you really get nightmares. The occasional one here and there but nothing really major.
22) Who’s the complete flirt?
Alex is and it drives you mental and you always end up hitting his arm and telling him to stop it , laughing the whole time.
23) Who’s the kinkiest?
You are. You both have sown serious fun with that. He knows every single one of them and always makes sure to pluck the right cords when he’s going down on you.
24) Who’s biggest tease?
Alex is. He could tease you for hours. Bringing you a hairs breathe away from orgasm before he doesn’t touch for a minute, then he’ll start again. He could do this about ten times and when he finally makes you come, it fells a hundred times better than when he lets you go straight for it.
25) Who’s the one who loves giving/receiving oral?
You love to both get it and return the favour. It drives Alex crazy when you do it for him and he always comes within about three minutes. On the contrary, he always has you coming in about two.
26) Who’s the most protective?
You are both extremely protective of each other. But you probably beat Alex in this case.
You hate it when people judge him for his last mistakes and upbringing so if anyone even mentions it your straight on the defensive.
Alex also has a thing for you and his powers. He is absolutely petrified of hurting you with them especially during sex when he can’t control them too well.
The wonderful @ludwigjjwittgenstein tagged me wanting to see what’s in my bag. I thought I’d show you what’s hidden inside my little green rucksack.
Cath Kidston ticket wallet // cute cloud tissues from Tiger // Polo mints // handkerchief // loose change // London A-Z pencil case // allen key for adjusting my bicycle saddle // portable battery // wallet // Cath Kidston make-up case I use to keep my medication in // two notebooks // novel // little Muji sketchbook // Macbook (not shown)
I have dozens of cute tote bags from bookshops and art galleries that I use to carry around books and shopping in and I also have panniers on my bicycle for heading to the supermarket.
A little present for my waifu @giupear because she’s been feeling a little down
lately. I love you, my dearest Pear; I hope this message from me to you cheers
you up! *hugs* ;w;
everyone else: Before you can complain—yes. This is fluff. By me. Which means
it’s not your typical sunshine-and-rainbows fluff. My fluff is different; you
all know this, yes?
awesome. Enjoy the read! :D
Rated: T Genre: Friendship/Romance Character(s): Natsu, Lucy Pairing(s): NaLu Synopsis: There is always at least
one person in your life that makes you smile for no reason at all, and you love
that more than anything else in the world. That means that you’ll go to
whatever lengths to protect it—even if that person doesn’t feel that they’re
worth any of what they mean to you.
sighed into his pillow.
don’t want to get up today…” he moaned as he rolled over onto his back and
stared at the bare ceiling listlessly. “But it’s too hot to stay in bed…argh…”
He raised an arm and rested his forearm against the bridge of his nose as he
exhaled sharply. “Why does everything have to be terrible in the afternoon…?”
more like “whenever he woke up”, because Natsu was never awake before noon on
the weekends if he could help it. It was technically the world’s fault for
making him love sleep so much—every damned thing about it seemed to be
purposely crafted to exhaust him…not to mention that he really had nothing
better to do besides moan about his life on the weekends because there really
wasn’t all that much to celebrate about it.
a sudden buzz next to his head (well, technically next to the pillow, but who
cared about technicalities), so he felt around for his phone, picked it up, and
checked the screen.
blinked once in confusion and sat up, feeling utterly bewildered. Lucy was calling? And he hadn’t been
expecting it? This was new.
realized that he’d been staring at his phone screen for way longer than what
was normal, so he quickly swiped the screen to answer the call. He lifted it to
his ear and spoke into the phone, “Hello?”
sounded her familiar voice on the other end. “Hey, I—I didn’t think you’d be up
right now…sorry if I woke you up.”
you’re good,” Natsu yawned as he tousled his messy head of salmon-pink hair,
grinning to himself. “So, why’d you call? You hardly ever call me first…” He
paused and let his smile slip into a frown, awkwardly pulling his black
wristband onto his right wrist. “Actually, I think this might be the first
time. Is something up?”
CAUGHT BETWIXT BOOSH, SHORTLISTED FOR THE 1999 PERRIER AWARD, CHRIS MAUME IS LOST FOR WORDS - The Independent Dec 12 1999
One of them’s the devil, the other’s a dreamer. Imagine Reeves and
Mortimer - but funnier - infused with the soul of Eddie Izzard. Or
Morecambe and Wise reinvented by Lewis Carroll. That, very roughly
speaking, is the Boosh.
comes across as the spiky, dangerous one, Noel Fielding as the
sensitive pre-Raphaelite refugee from a late-Sixties beat combo. And the
surrealist fantasies they weave can be seen from tomorrow in their
Perrier-shortlisted show, Arctic Boosh.
The manner of
the Boosh’s coming together suggests that it’s good to stalk. “He used
to come to my gigs,” Barratt begins - “dressed as a lady,” Fielding
interjects. “I used to say, ‘come and get me’.”
In fact Barratt, born in Leeds in 1968, was doing stand-up at the Hell
Fire Club in High Wycombe when Fielding first saw him. Having dropped
out of his American Studies course at Reading University, he had been a
wildly eclectic musician before switching to comedy.
Fielding, five years younger and born in London, had been to art school
before spotting Barratt. He saw him again a few times, did some stand-
up himself and reached the final of the Open Mic award in 1996, a year
after Barratt won it. Eventually they were on the bill together at the
Enterprise pub in Chalk Farm, London, and got talking. “I thought I
could turn him into something halfway decent,” Barratt says.
The first thing they did together was to write a sitcom, Boy’s in the
Wood, in which the two main characters live deep in a forest. Replete
with mad, budget -busting ideas, such as being shot out of a cannon into
a different world each episode, it would have cost millions. They are
now developing it as a radio series for GLR.
going to bypass television and go straight to film,” says Barratt.
“It’s hard to convince TV people,” Fielding complains, and Barratt
continues: “They look at us strangely then move away.” Fielding replies
gently, “They weren’t TV people, Julian.”
first gig together was at Edinburgh Festival two years ago, while last
year The Mighty Boosh - in which they played zookeepers in the jungle -
won them the Perrier Best Newcomers award. This year they were
shortlisted for the award proper with Arctic Boosh, which involves two
postal workers, Vince Noir and Howard Moon, and their journey to the
tundra, where they meet, among other creatures, Alan The Bingo Moose,
who shoots numbers from his hoof.
Though most of
their material is prewritten, there is lots of giddy improvisation, and
much of the humour is non-verbal. “We’ve built up a language of little
gestures,” says Fielding. There are killer one-liners, but against a
subtle backdrop. “We try to be different but popular,” Fielding
continues. “We punch and kiss, caress and kick.”
true comedic style, both fancy themselves as straight thespians. “I can
act,” says Barratt, whom TV ad-watchers will have seen flogging an
alcopop with the words “It’s what we scientists call a judder.” Fielding
is, he reckons, “getting better 'cause I’m nicking all his best stuff,”
and indeed his experience went to good use lately in a swashbuckling
cameo in Plunkett and Macleane.
Fielding might also
have pursued a sporting career, playing semi-professional football for
Kingstonians and Sutton United and describing himself as a left -winger
in the Pat Nevin mould. “Then your muscles withered,” Barratt tells him,
adding, “Sport doesn’t do anything for me. And I don’t do anything for
True to form, Barratt did participate in a
cricket match for British comedians against their Australian
counterparts when they took Arctic Boosh on tour in October, but spent
his time in the field reading Nabokov. As you might imagine, the Aussies
had the upper hand. “They roasted us,” says Fielding.
Apart from the Arctic Boosh run, Barratt will also be on television on
Millennium night, on Apocalypse Tube. “I might wash my hair,” says
Fielding. “I might go to a graveyard and do some painting.” Barratt
admonishes him: “Everyone’s going to be going to graveyards and
While Barratt infuses their act with
music, Fielding contributes strange visuals. “I use a lot of Polo
mints,” he says. “For the eyes. And catfish tentacles. I paint on
binbags - the ultimate disposable art.” Barratt’s heroes are the likes
of Bartk, Scott Walker and Frank Zappa, while Mick Jagger and Keith
Richards are Fielding’s desert island icons, though he does admit to a
penchant for Frank Spencer. “I am a man who dreams of culture,” asserts
Barratt. “He is a man who dreams of crisps.”
world of the Boosh is a strange one. “We have a need to make people
laugh at things they’d never thought about,” says Barratt, “make them
laugh at things that aren’t logical. Have the audience experience
something like the psychedelic thing, but not like the 1960s.” Which is
perhaps as good a definition of their comedy as you’ll get.
'Arctic Boosh’: Lyric Studio, Hammersmith, W6 (0181 741 2311), tomorrow to 8 January
Summary: Two drunk YouTubers in love with each other at a party.
Pairing: Phan (Dan and Phil)
Warnings: Drinking. All in good humour.
Title Cred: Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy. Find it on their new album American Beauty/American Psycho.
PJ handed Phil another glass of wine, and Phil sighed. “I really shouldn’t, Peej.”
“Phil. Relax. You’re at a party. Allow yourself to get a little drunk,” PJ said loosely, taking a seat next to him. Phil rolled his eyes.
“I’m not a good drinker, Peej,” Phil retorted, “don’t you remember what happened at Louise’s birthday party?”
PJ frowned. “No.”
“That’s because I didn’t drink. Because of what happened at Zoe’s Halloween party.”
PJ thought for a minute, before a slow smile crept over his face. “Oh, yeah. That I remember. Gosh, I’m surprised you even recognised Dan with all that liquor in your system.”
“Especially since he was wearing that cat costume.”
“Even more surprised you were drunk enough to actually make out with him.”
“Exactly. So I’m not going to get drunk tonight.”
PJ tilted his head at Phil, who shrugged. “What?”
“Phil, you think something’s going to happen between you and Dan?”
“Only if we’re both tipsy.”
PJ shook his head, and looked at Dan, who was dancing with Zoe. They looked like they were having fun as Dan spun her round, a huge smile spreading over her face.
“Well, you can’t sit here like a sober little melon. Come on. The alcohol will loosen you up a little, and you’ll be able to have some actual fun rather than sitting here stewing in your own self pity. I promise, if you start doing anything stupid with Dan, I’ll come to your rescue.”
Phil looked longingly at the glass of wine. “Promise?”
“Because PJ, if he knew how I felt, it would ruin us.”
“I promise, okay? Now chill.”
Phil nodded and took a hearty sip of the buttery wine, and PJ smiled to himself, knowing that his promise was nothing short of a lie.
It wasn’t that he would ever force anything between the pair, but he knew Phil loved Dan, and Dan loved Phil. A huge part of him just wanted something to happen between them tonight, so they wouldn’t have to make secret heart eyes at each other from across the room. Phil was completely wrong - it wouldn’t destroy them at all, it would only serve to strengthen them as a couple. But he wouldn’t force them together. He knew they would get there in the end. He knew that Dan shipped Phan more than anyone in the Phandom.
Phil watched Dan on the dance floor with Louise. Both were dancing equally badly, but Phil only had time to look at Dan. At that kind smile, those deep, searching eyes. The more he looked at Dan from a distance, dancing with others, the more he drank.
Eventually, he got up to go to the toilet - liquor had always gone straight through him. He fixed his fringe gap in the mirror and walked back to the party.
A selection of six YouTubers had left the dance floor and were sitting at the edge of the room with a bottle of tequila sitting in the middle and seven shot glasses distributed around. Dan saw Phil approaching and waved him over excitedly - he was obviously a few drinks in already.
“What are we doing?” Phil said, sitting cross legged next to Dan on the floor. PJ, who already had his shot glass filled, smiled gleefully.
“We’re going to play Never Have I Ever. You know how to play?”
Phil pulled a face. “Yeah, but…I’m not really into drinking games…”
“Please, Phil?” Dan smirked, fluttering his eyelashes. Phil sighed. Like he’d refuse anything Dan asked him to do.
“Fine then.” He took the tequila and filled the shot glass.
It was surprising with the ease the tequila began to take over his senses - just a couple of shots until he felt bolder and braver than he had for a long time. Dan and Phil were different types of drunks - Phil didn’t really change that much. He didn’t get silly or angry, he just got braver. Dan was a different story. Dan got silly and giggled a lot. But that made Phil giggle too.
“Okay, my turn,” PJ slurred slightly. PJ was the most relaxed drunk Phil had ever seen. “Never Have I Ever…fallen in love with another YouTuber.”
Zoe and Alfie immediately drank, which earned a couple of coos. And then the heads all turned to Dan and Phil, who were holding the shot glasses, contemplating the decision.
Phil knew as well as anyone that this was a deliberate move on PJ’s part, but he didn’t really care that much. He looked at Dan, who stared at Phil. Neither one moved.
“Well?” Louise prompted, Joe smiling like an idiot next to her. Dan smirked, and Phil returned that smile, and then he drank, and Dan followed.
The other five people cheered, and Phil allowed the liquor to fill his veins and Dan giggled as he refilled the shot glass. It wouldn’t dawn on Phil till morning what he’d just done, but now, with the alcohol coursing through his body, he really didn’t care. The only thing that fully registered was the fact that both he and Dan had drank. Not just Phil. Dan had too. And Phil was just about sober enough to mull over that thought, and what it meant.
The game didn’t last much longer. Zoe and Alfie went to dance, leaving the group of five chatting aimlessly.
As they were talking, the song on the sound system switched, and Jet Pack Blues started blaring out. Phil’s face lit up.
“Fall Out Boy!” He said enthusiastically to Dan, who found it funnier than he would have a couple of drinks ago. Dan giggled and shrugged.
Phil’s eyes glittered in the dim blue light. “You have to dance with me!”
Dan snorted. “What? No way.”
“Oh, come on, Dan,” Phil whined, getting unsteadily to his feet, ignoring the chuckles of the group. He took Dan’s hand and yanked him to his feet. “You have to dance with me.”
Dan couldn’t stop laughing, but he was still protesting. “Phil, no, I don’t want to dance.”
“Yes you do. You do, you really want to dance with me, come on.” Phil didn’t take no for an answer and dragged the hysterical Dan onto the dance floor, wrapping his arms around his waist and swaying, Dan’s arms around his shoulders.
…and I’m trying to find my peace of mind
Behind these two white highway lines
When the city goes silent
The ringing in my ears gets violent…
Dan stopped laughing uncontrollably and instead stared at Phil, and Phil couldn’t help but stare back and study his beautiful face. He saw the kindness in the younger boy’s eyes, smelt the alcohol and the polo mints on his breath. Everything about him was perfect.
The song carried on, and they just swayed quietly to the music. In the middle of the chorus, Dan moved closer and leant against Phil, closing his eyes and resting his head on his shoulder. Phil’s fingers moved independently on Dan’s back, tracing small shapes as the song continued. After the soft, unmistakable FOB bridge, Phil tilted his head so he was whispering in Dan’s ear.
“She’s in a long black coat tonight, waiting for me in the downpour outside…” He sang quietly. Dan pulled back and smiled, their faces incredibly close. And maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the song, or maybe it was the spur of the moment. Phil didn’t know why he chose to kiss Dan then, but maybe he didn’t need to.
And I remember, “Baby, come home,”
I remember “Baby, come home,”
I remember “Baby, come home,”
I remember “Baby, come home,”
Phil preserved every detail of the kiss. They both stopped swaying, and Phil’s hands moved up Dan’s back and settled around his neck, fingers playing gently with strands of soft brown hair. Dan’s arms travelled further around Phil’s shoulders and held on tight, and the kiss itself…it was hot and sweet, and tasted a little bit like tequila and a little bit like years of longing. It was nothing short of a dream for the both of them.
PJ watched the pair from the edge of the dance floor with the other four Never Have I Ever players, and smirked to himself. “I like to think I was a part of that happening,” he said, taking a sip of wine. Louise laughed and linked arms with him as the pair on the dance floor went in for another kiss.
“You think that, PJ. But in reality, they found each other. Do you think they’re sober enough to remember this tomorrow?”
PJ watched as the pair pulled away, foreheads touching, loving smiles on their faces, and they swayed to the music. PJ nodded. “Louise, there is no way on Earth they’ll forget this.”
They danced for what seemed like forever, dropping in occasional kisses. Halfway through How Long Will I Love You?, Dan tilted his head.
“So…” He said quietly, “what do we do now?”
Phil managed to think in his drunken mind about all the things he could say. He thought, in that moment, about all the dates they would go on, all the restaurants they would eat in, all the videos they would make together where they would cry with laughter, all the dancing. He thought about their first sober kiss, the first time they would have sex. He thought about their first fight, the first time they would make up. He thought about one day making it permanent, one day, standing at the altar and telling Dan he loved him and promising to do so forever. He thought about their children, he thought about them growing old together.
But none of that came easily into words, so Phil just sighed, kissed Dan’s forehead and smiled. “I guess we just…keep dancing.”
This was the first time the Doctor had ever crossed his fingers for a delayed flight.
He hadn’t even intended to go back to London; not for a while, at least, but he wasn’t going to turn down fifteen grand for the sake of another few weeks in the sun. Although that wouldn’t matter if his taxi driver didn’t speed up fairly sharpish.
He checked his watch. 12:25. If he didn’t check in by half past, they’d give his seat away. He pressed his head back onto his seat, forcing himself to stop fidgeting. He was cutting it fine as it was – if the plane landed bang on time, he’d have less than half an hour to meet his client, and he’d been warned not to keep him waiting. If he missed the flight, that was that.
He knew very little about the client, come to think of it. He’d only been contacted through text messages from their solicitor. They were rich, he was sure of that much. And they’d been significantly richer before the Bad Wolf struck.