In further response to our last correspondence: I want to start out by saying that people don’t miss people only when they are lonely or sad by their current life situation. People miss people because that particular person once brought some extra dimension of happiness or comfort to their personal crazy space in the world…and it really is a big, crazy, complex and scary world. Someone could have their dream job, doing things they never thought they could possibly accomplish, have the best friends they’ve had in awhile and [in your words not mine] they could have “some man to make them happy,” and still miss someone because they know in the back of their mind, throughout their days full of this seemingly unimaginable happiness, that their life would only be that much incrementally better if that person was by their side - sharing their crazy, blushing pink, glittering gold, light as a white cloud love for life with each other. And whether or not all of the previously stated qualities applies to my life or not,
I miss you unabashedly, unashamedly and never-endingly.
You doubt us more than you ever believed us, but I never once faltered. Even amidst the break ups I initiated - not that I’m claiming that in pride or even without guilt - you were always the one, that as I laid in between my cold sheets ready to cry myself into slumber, I wanted to call and talk about my feelings with.
Isn’t it ironic? Before anyone else, I was always drawn to asking you for advice on what I should do with you.
But at the same time it was exactly my point all along - you were never just one label, you never just held one position in my life, you were never just someone that was supposed to be an ephemeral phase. You held my trust like not one before or after you ever could.
You had promised to always be there, and in the time when we were on speaking terms, you always were.
And I thank you for that.
And I also digress, as I always do, this open note is not another note where I pour out all that you mean and meant to me, as you already are well aware, but one where I plead with you.
I would hope that if you ever wanted or needed to talk to anyone about anything, you would turn to me. I would hope that regardless of what has happened in the past, or regardless of what our future holds, that you would know that I would never pass judgment or do anything but listen and support you if you needed it.
And believe me when I say that I know that everyone needs someone sometimes.
And believe me when I say that I know how much pride you hold.
I care about you… Quite a lot actually.
Not to say or imply that I’m waiting for you - I’m not - but it would be a lie to say that I don’t hope time and again that one day you overcome your relentless over-thinking and useless cautions when it comes to us.
I’ve never been more happy then when I’m on talking terms with you, and for some strange reason - I still think that holds true for you too.
I will never not hope that you are doing well wherever you are.