polar bear joke

Cute Things the Signs Do

Aries: They get excited about something and then start talking faster and faster until they can hardly keep up with themself

Taurus: They use a ‘baby voice’ whenever they talk to their pets (some would do this in front of the president, and others would take the secret to their grave)

Gemini: Anticipates cliché pickup lines before they’re said but still flattered by them

Cancer: Laughs at their own jokes

Leo: Scared of the tiniest bugs

Virgo: Is sad when the sushi isn’t round

Libra: Ticklish asf

Scorpio: Still likes foods like chicken nuggets, goldfish crackers, and fruit roll-ups made for children

Sagittarius: They absolutely melt if/when you play with their hair

Capricorn: Won’t look you in the eye after they’ve rejected you for anything because they can’t stand to see you sad

Aquarius: They claim to hate being fawned over but actually enjoy it

Pisces: Would sacrifice themself to save the polar bears

anonymous asked:

What do you call a polar bear sitting in the sun? A solar bear.

Jack: So, a polar bear walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender, “Get me a scotch and ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… soda.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” The polar bear says, “I don’t know. I always had them.”

Mush: Why are there so many jokes about polar bears, do you think?

Jack: I don’t know, Mush. But why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Mush: I never thought about it! Why?

Jack: Because freedom rings.

anonymous asked:

Does Kid have any jokes? Or Anyone else? Is Skittery the only Joke-y one here?

Jack: It’s no joke that Skittery is a one man comedic explosion.

Skittery: Keep forcing me to tell that idiotic polar bear joke, and I can guarantee something’s gonna explode.

Jack: Yeah, your popularity. You got a problem with that?

Skittery: I got a problem with being a laughingstock, is what I got a problem with. 

Mush: Nobody’s laughing at you, Skits. They’re just laughing at the joke you’re telling. And that’s the great thing about jokes. You can tell them again and again, and they never get old, and no one ever gets sick of hearing them!

Jack: Except that’s not how jokes work. Except when you’re telling them, Skits. Your jokes never get old.

Skittery: You know what would be a good joke, Jack? It starts with my fist, and ends with your face.

Kid Blink: You want me to do something about him, Jack?

Jack: I want you to boost his confidence. Tell him he’s the funniest man on earth. 

Kid Blink: Yeah, well he’s not. 

Skittery: Thank you. 

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

What do polar bears eat for lunch? Ice berg-gers.

Jack: Keep ‘em coming. I wouldn’t mind an iceberger myself, but would probably put some cheese on it.

David: Cheeseburgers won’t be invented for another twenty-seven years, Jack.

Jack: I’m a man ahead of my time, Dave. What do you want to do about it?

David: I don’t want to do anything about it. But I’m pointing out the anachronism, and you should also be aware that eating cheese with meat isn’t kosher. So don’t serve your creation to my parents.

Jack: What about you?

David: I’m not that strict about dietary laws. But the idea of putting cheese on meat doesn’t appeal to me.

Jack: That’s because you never tried it, Dave.

David: There’s a reason for that, Jack. And it has to do with my inability to time travel. 

Jack: Our inability to travel through time really holds us back. 

David: Well, maybe one day Mr. Tesla will fix that. 

Jack: Fingers crossed.

David: But when he does, you won’t find me eating a cheeseburger.

Jack: And that’s no big deal, as long as a polar bear ain’t eating you.

David: Why would a polar bear be eating me?

Jack: Well, he’s our lunch companion, right? 

David: Eating icebergers, right. 

Jack: So as long as he only eats what he’s served -

David: I’d rather not visit the future and have lunch with a polar bear, Jack. 

Jack: So you’d dine with him in the here and now?

David: No, I only eat with human beings.

Jack: Better not eat dinner at the lodging house, then. A polar bear would be the most civilized soul at that table. And we would probably be having turnips.

David: Turnips?

Jack:  Dave, whether it’s 1491 or 1992, the lodging house will be serving turnips. We eat more turnips than the turnip-farmer and his family. If you are what you eat, then we’re all kind of pale and rough, with purple splotches -

David: I get it, you don’t like turnips.

Jack: It ain’t about liking them, Dave - they’re there and I don’t have a choice about them. So of course I eat what’s offered. But given a choice between turnips and something that don’t taste like poison, I’d probably choose variety. 

David: Smart choice. By the way, I don’t think the lodging house existed in 1491.

Jack: Never underestimate how old Kloppman is. 

David: Four hundred years old?

Jack: Four hundred and seventy-two. He credits his longevity to eating turnips.

David: Well, at least he’s not afraid to share his secrets.

My dad told me the greatest joke today

So there’s this polar bear, and as a polar bear, he lives in Antarctica, and he’s reading National Geographic and watching the Discovery Channel and drinking Coca-Cola, like a polar bear would. He reads about the desert and decides “Hey. I understand cold but I don’t understand hot. I want to go to the desert.” so he books a flight to Arizona, rents a car, and is driving through the desert.

Well, being a polar bear in a desert he gets extremely hot because of all his fur. He’s looking for a way to cool off when he spots a road side vendor selling ice cream. The polar bear has never had ice cream before, so when he does, he thinks it’s the greatest thing on earth. He buys a whole cooler of ice cream, sticks it in the car and off he goes. He eats the ice cream any time he gets too hot, and being a polar bear, he gets it all over himself.

Soon, his car over heats and breaks down, as cars do in the desert, so he pops the hood, but because he’s a polar bear he doesn’t know anything about cars. A mechanic in a tow truck that happened to be driving by stops to see if he can help, so the mechanic pops the hood and says “You seem to have over heated, but let me see if it’s an easily fixed problem.” So the mechanic roots around in the engine for a little while before saying “It looks like you blew a few seals.” To which the polar bear replies.

“No, this is just ice cream."