to begin: i know that it’s not coming from a place of wanting to hurt me. that you want what you see as best for me. i know i’m not capable of making every executive decision with my current level of experience. but i feel as though every conversation ends in the same place and it’s really fucking with me.
mom. you have made it very clear that i am the failed first attempt. every time you talk to me, it’s to say that you’re worried i’m going to fail out of college. i get it. i understand that you don’t think i’m capable of keeping up with a college math class. you want me to go to a safety school, because you don’t want to take any risks with me. you’ve made your point. crystal. i don’t even respond to it anymore because i’ve run out of responses to give you.
dad. you blindly follow what mom says. ask me questions about things you don’t involve yourself in, even a little. when you’re not yelling at me for things you quite literally do not know anything about (i am not being facetious here, nor is that a dig at your intelligence. it’s just draining to get a lecture on my work ethic and then have you ask mom to give you the rundown on what you’re even yelling about. makes me feel fucking delightful), you’re telling me i’m too quiet and i should be more a part of the family.
an interlude: you have made it completely impossible for me to show any emotional vulnerability. i can’t tell you about my issues, and i can’t tell you when other people make me upset, or when they’re in bad circumstances. because you will and have consistently turned everything i do tell you against me. you laughed at me when i said i would miss you when i leave. you are the reason i find it so hard to open up to anyone.
brother. you are the root of my insecurity. do you know how fucking hard it is to be told, “you need to be more like your younger brother”? it’s devastating. you’re three years my younger. i feel like a complete fuckup in comparison to you. “you know, you may test better, but he’s smarter than you, so don’t let it get to your head” word for word, i remember what mom said. being compared to you ruined any sense of self-confidence i had. i got a fucking 36 on the ACT and it means nothing because it doesn’t matter what i get on any test, you’re smarter than me. mom wants you to be the one to go to a prestigious school. you aren’t a financial risk. you know they like you more. you’re a condescending douchebag about it. but it doesn’t matter it never matters because at least you’re the model child. you didn’t throw away your education and you’re not going to flunk out of university. im sorry. i dont even dislike you, even though you’re honestly thin-skinned as hell, a snitch, and have an infuriating morality complex. you make me angry sometimes, but more than anything i just hate that you got what i didn’t.
sister. you may be a real control freak sometimes, may think you’re the only opinion that matters, may be incredibly high-strung and addicted to “i-told-you-so"s, but you do make me happy sometimes and i do notice you putting in effort a lot of the time. thank you.
in conclusion: less than a year from now, i’ll be gone. i love you guys, but i think i need that. i need to be around people who support me and who i can be vulnerable around. i am exhausted.