i am fire
i am the brightest of flames
i can take down anything
and everything
that dares to get in my way
i am powerful
i am strong
i am passionate
i am a force to be reckoned with
i am captivating beauty
  and paralyzing fear
don’t try to drown me
for i will rise
and rise
and rise again
and should this flame go out
like the phoenix
i will find it within me
to be reborn
into something
just as beautiful
and powerful
and amazing
as i was to start with
—  Anonymous said: Can you write something about self love?
(cc, 2017)

i. the moon is a dirty mirror, scarred
and barely reflecting the only
remnants of daylight;
the forest is an ocean that has
never known light or dark, only
deep, unearthly blue
and i am the path that winds the trees
till they become labyrinths of themselves
and i am the ash; ash of
stars that burned like dreams
and my dreams that collapsed like stars
somewhere between my thighs and my elbows;
and my belt is of these black holes, these bruises of dawn in reverse
and my bow is of the gravity
that will break the silver mountains
which holds the mirror in the sky
and leave something not quite evil
not quite pure behind but grey;
and i am the kind of malice the
hunt worships.

ii. i am a throne
lavish leather and memoirs from
the underworld;
a throne in an empty house
that sits next to a palm tree and
collects sand, and by sand
i mean time;
because time is sand that
gets caught in our eyes and
makes us see things that aren’t there;
like this mirage of emptiness,
this seeming silence that hides
the breaking of rocks underneath
an armor, and by armor
i mean skin that knows no doors;
and time redirects here
to counting down the moments
till death comes, at the mercy of
claws that go tickticktock;
because the sky is a desert
and i am the sun burning within.

iii. tonight is twilight is the world
and the world is a candle
that flickers when i breathe.

orion and scorpion | vans.
Loving you was a lot
like loving a ghost.
You gave me nothing,
and yet you still managed
to haunt my every thought.
—  S. Renea
A Bug’s Life

@dustyirish and I had way too much writing this!

I am Morpheus, watching spring’s metamorphosis.
It’s torture to see from the peephole of my chrysalis.
No time has passed in my sandless hourglass.
What else can I do but mock the bugs in the grass?

The grasshopper pounces, frisks and flounces
With a sassy wiggle in all his bounces.
He’s a spitter, when he takes on a crass role.
In truth, he’s really a bit of an asshole.

The Bumblebee, loud in his bumbling way,
Beatboxes about, disturbing my day.
It’s “black and yellow” this, and “black and yellow” that.
I wish it was him the grasshopper spat at!

The ant, he must have quite the six-pack!
By bustling, building, breaking his back,
power-lifting, and moving boulders,
carrying the world’s weight on his shoulders.

The ladybug, she isn’t ladylike at all,
Flashing her bright red polka-dot shawl,
Leaving clusters of eggs where she roams.
Ladybug​, ladybug, just fly away home.

I wish the bugs would just bug off,
But the pretty in me has just turned on.
I can feel myself changing from inside.
My moment, finally, has arrived.
Watch me as my wings unfurl,
As I burst into the world.
My hourglass has split into two.

Look out, Spring, I’m coming for you!

i love you
but the more i loved you
the less i loved myself
and i want to hate you
i really do
that’s what you deserve
but it’s so fucking hard to hate someone
who once lit up your whole world
even though now
they’re burning it down
i love you
but i can’t do this anymore
i can’t do “us” anymore
because the longer i stayed with you
the longer i made excuses for you
the longer i put up with this shit
the more i hated myself
and i should’ve hated you
i should hate you
but i don’t
i don’t know how to
and i can’t
i can’t, not yet
but i also can’t do this anymore
and i can’t hate myself anymore
and i can’t let myself get hurt anymore
someone needs to love me
someone needs to care about me
and if it’s not going to be you
then its going to be me
—  Anonymous said: anything about having to look at someone you love and hating them for making you have to walk away because they hurt you?
(cc, 2017)
Call out my name and
Ball it up in a fist.
Maul me with kisses, so I grow
Tall as a mountain.
Fall for me like a leaf.
Wall off your inhibitions that have the
Gall to stand in the way of us.
Small fluttering wings
Saw your heart in half.
Claw them out to be free. I
Saw you glow gold.
Small thoughts grow in the light.
Gall inflates my chest against the
Wall around your heart. Let it
Fall.
Tall tales
Maul my smile into a thin line.
Ball it up in a fist and
Call out my name.
—  Call
my memory of you is fading
I don’t know what’s real
and what my mind has made up
to ease the pain
of your departure
and the timing
god, the timing
how you left
when I needed you most.
—  bad timing // @thecollisionsofsouls on tumblr
I respect your choice, even if it breaks my heart. I will never run after you or beg you to do something you don’t want to. Because that’s how much I love you. To choose your happiness over mine. I won’t be selfish with you.
Forced love is not true love.
—  F.F. // While I’m moving on.. #2
we are not puzzle pieces
we do not need to be solved
we are not missing something
we are not less than
we are whole
just as we are

we do not need
others who don’t understand
to speak for us
to speak over us
we have a voice
we are able to use it

we are not sick
we do not have a disease
we are not “suffering”
we are simply
living
existing
we simply
are

we are not blue
we aren’t sad
or melancholy
we aren’t in need of pity
or remorse
we are all of the colors
all at once
we are bright
we are beautiful

our silence does not equate to rudeness
our meltdowns do not equate to brokenness
our stimming does not equate to weirdness
our diagnosis is not an insult
our existence is not something to be ashamed of

we are different
yes, that much is true
but different
does not mean
less than
it never has
and it never will.
—  today kicks off #WorldAutismAwarenessWeek (27 March–2 April 2017) !
(cc, 2017)

“I know he loves her now,” she said, “and I’m only a memory that he tries not to visit too often.” She paused, looking so at peace, but in the saddest way possible. “I guess I just hope that he thinks of me from time to time. When he sees a sunset too beautiful for words, or when our favorite artist releases a new song, or when he passes my street. I just hope that sometimes he remembers what it felt like to be nineteen and so in love that it was almost like your heart might burst. I hope that he smells my old perfume and he can’t shake the picture of me running outside of my house, barefoot, to jump into his arms. I just want our love to still be important, you know? I just… I hope it lingers.”

“It sounds like a beautiful memory,” I told her. “How could he forget?”

She smiled. “Darling, everything fades with time. Even the most vivid of moments — realizing, for the first time, you’re in love, or your first kiss, or even the day it all came crashing down around you — fade as new moments pass. I just hope I was important enough to last a little while longer.”

—  excerpt from an unfinished book #136 // Thinking of you because Ed Sheeran released a new song

Aries is feeling a rush of energy after the long winter days. Aries is lighting fireworks, and Aries is almost burning the kitchen down with your friends and not being able to stop laughing. Aries is falling down and immediately standing up, Aries is standing up to bullies and doing spontanious roadtrips.

Taurus is waking up with a nice smell in your nose and the sun tickling you to wake. Taurus is finding new music, books, art you enjoy and humming to yourself while doing chores, singing loudly when home alone. Taurus is the satisfaction of having your hard work pay off, Taurus is hugging someone you love after a long time.

Gemini is stumbling across an old bookstore and losing yourself between the shelves. Gemini is throwing a mischievous smile at someone and obsessing over something for a day, then having a new obsession. Gemini is laughing about something unfunny and with that igniting it with humour, and Gemini is having 15 browser tabs open at 3am and having never felt as awake.

Cancer is having pets fall in love with you. Cancer is staying in on a rainy day with a good show, a cozy blanket and someone to snuggle up with by your side. Cancer is late night talks that go from laughing so hard you can’t breathe to philosophical and deep in a matter of seconds, and Cancer is the relief of plugging your headphones in after a stressful day.

Leo is going to your favourite band’s concert and having backstage tickets. Leo is receiving and giving the most wonderful compliments, and Leo is watching sunsets with someone to hold hands with. Leo is the proudness you feel after finishing a superb performance. Leo is the feeling of being on top of the world. 

Virgo is soft ‘good morning’s and whispered ‘sleep well’s. Virgo is the up-lifiting enjoyment of planning for a trip you’ve been looking forward to for a long time. Virgo is stretching in the morning and having detailed and highly challenging discussions, and Virgo is finding pretty flowers on the sidewalk, stopping to look at them in awe for a minute. 

Libra is putting make-up and pretty clothes on and feeling wonderful in your skin. Libra is making entertaining small-talk with new people, and Libra is the feeling of developing a new crush on someone. Libra is the satisfaction of being in an aesthetically pleasing environment. Libra is the sensation of having someone softly play with your hair and tracing your skin with their fingers.

Scorpio is taking a walk long after the sun has set. Scorpio is losing yourself in music, art, literature. Scorpio is feeling every emotion in a way you feel you’re flowing over - be it happiness or sorrow -, and Scorpio is looking the person you love in the eyes, forgetting time exists. Scorpio is feeling a fleeting connection to that one person that rushed past you in downtown. Scorpio is promises kept.

Sagittarius is looking up at the stars and being full of hope. Sagittarius is bonfire nights and spontaniously starting to run. Sagittarius is sitting by the fireplace thinking about everything all at once, and Sagittarius is climbing a tree and looking into the far horizon. Sagittarius is making bucket-lists, and Sagittarius is having deep conversations. Sagittarius is beginning to believe in yourself.

Capricorn is working towards where you know you will one day be. Capricorn is having black coffee in the morning and preparing yourself for the day, Capricorn is harvesting the fruits of all your hard work, and Capricorn is finding the person who can move your soul. Capricorn is resting when you need to and letting yourself recharge. Capricorn is the potential in everyone of us.

Aquarius is little giggles and the non-verbal communication between you and your best friends. Aquarius is talking about your favourite topic and searching for interesting things on the web. Aquarius is taking photos and collecting memories of your life, and Aquarius is your eyes widening in wonder. Aquarius is staying home with a good show. Aquarius is learning to be yourself.

Pisces is sleepovers with a friend and feeling a sense of calm. Pisces is finding yourself in inanimate things, and Pisces is puppies being excited to see you. Pisces is smiling and grinning from the bottom of your heart, Pisces is walking barefoot on grass and dipping your toes into water. Pisces is crying of sorrow with friends and screaming in ecstasy with them. Pisces is stilling the worries of your soul.

This is for the one’s who were forced into adulthood,
never getting the chance to be a kid.
Never getting the chance to run in the rain,
play in the sand,
spill milk without crying,
fall asleep without fear.

For the one’s who cried themselves to sleep each night
praying to a god that they didn’t even believe in,
desperately trying to find the strength to go on.

This is for the one’s with broken wings
and a stolen halo,
for the one’s who forgot how to fly.

For the one’s who feared coming home from school,
the one’s who covered up their bruises with long sleeves and make-up,
and crawled under the bed at night because that was the only place they felt okay.
For the one’s who only felt safe
behind a door, a mask, a blanket, the bottom of a bed,
the one’s who only felt safe when they were hiding.

This is for the one’s who were afraid of the dark,
the one’s who could only fall asleep if the light was burning in the hall.
The one’s who were friends with the monsters underneath their bed
because they were kinder
than the monsters in their homes,
and in their heads.

For the one’s who had to sit on the lap
of someone who threatened them,
berated them,
touched them.
The one’s who were too young to understand;
understand why it was happening,
and why they would cry and scream
but still no one responded to their pain.

This is for the one’s who lost their childhood innocence
to an impure caress,
to dirty eyes,
to private parts,
to rough hands and razor blades.
The one’s who blame themselves
for everything everything everything.

This one is for you,
you there with the big blood shot eyes,
the shaky hands,
and the dirty fingernails.

For you when you take a bath
and you breathe in as hard as you can and
submerge yourself under water,
in hopes that you can stay down long enough
to never come back up again,
except when your corpse floats to the top.

For you,
when you lay the sharp edge of a razor blade vertical
to the biggest vein on your wrist,
and think about how easy it would be to just cut.
For you when tears pour from your swollen eyes,
and you put the blade down on the counter.
For you when you curse yourself
for being too weak to go through with it,
again. 

For you when you feel like you can’t breathe.
And when you decide you breathe best
when you stop breathing altogether.

For you, 
you who wants to forget,
you who wants to “sleep it off”.
For you when you pour your bottle of Ambien 
out onto your shaking palm
and you stare at all the little pills,
knowing that you have enough to go to sleep
and never wake up again.
For you when you put your palm up to your mouth,
ready to swallow every single pill,
only to stop
because you have to go to work tomorrow,
and who will feed your cat in the morning?
Who will tell your best friend to remember to finish her homework,
and who will drive your little brother to band practice?
This one is for you 
when you put the pills back in the bottle,
and then curse yourself all over again
for being
so
fucking
weak.

This one is for you;
for living day after day in this hell that feels ice cold.

For you, putting those pills back in their bottle,
not because you are weak,
but because you are needed,
and you know you have to continue to see at least one more tomorrow.

For you, taking the blade off your wrist,
and putting it back in its hiding spot,
not because you are weak,
but because you are brave enough to hang onto your life for one more day.

For you, bringing yourself up and out of the water
not because you can’t hold your breath any longer.
You know you could stop breathing forever.
But because you remember what it was like to be forced
into holding your breath,
and you would rather live to see another day
than feel like you are suffocating all over again.
And for you, because secretly,
you want to keep breathing, at least
for a little bit longer.

This one is for you,
for us,
for the children raised on hatred
and broken beer bottles
and cigarette ashes
and razor blades and private parts and violation and sweat and fists and black-blue bruises and tears and shame
and regret.

This one’s for us,
the children who were forced to grow up too fast,
and were never once given permission
to look back.

This one is for us,
for saying, “fuck it,” at those who told us we needed permission.
Fuck it to people who don’t allow us to be ourselves.
Fuck it to forgetting about the past, 
and fuck it to letting that past define our future.

Here’s to looking back,
here’s to starting over,
here’s to healing.

This one’s for us.

—  Ayla Mae, Cheers

They say, “Yes you will suffer.”

But they don’t say, “But you will also experience the deepest of joys. You will experience the births and deaths of the greatest of loves. And the sun warming the blood under your skin after the coldest of winter. And the rain against your window will sing you to a peaceful sleep. And you will awaken some mornings in the arms of someone who will love you most of all. There will be moments when your soul will gleam so beautifully, even the universe will bask in your happiness. Yes, you will suffer. But you will be happy beyond your wildest dreams. And that will make every second of the suffering worth it.”

They should say that. Because it is that balance that makes us beautifully and softly human.
—  Nikita Gill
I’m sorry for all of the poems I wrote about you before I even knew if you were worth it or not. I am sorry for creating a person in my head that had your face but was not you. I’m sorry for trying to make you into something you did not want to be. I’m sorry for every night I stayed awake imagining you were laying beside me because the truth is I don’t know anything about you. And the words that I’ve spoken for you are not your words. I’m sorry for falling in love with the idea of you and not giving myself the chance to fall in love with you.

I want you to know that you ruined me. That I don’t know if I can recover from this.

This isn’t me being dramatic or trying to make you feel bad, this is me putting the cards on the table and telling you that telling me you were different and that you would love me despite my flaws, and then throwing my insecurities in my face was cruel.

—  You hurt be beyond repair, I will never be the same. I will mend the wounds but the scars will remain a painful memory.