poetry site

I am lonely again.
Sitting silently,
The breeze hounds at my window
And rattles wooden frames.
  
There are birds in the rafters
Making a mess of the plums.
  
Summer fruit spills
Like blood from the ceiling,
Dripping
In anguish.
 
Oh, my heart wishes
That this body was a home.
The way it speaks of silence
Says it all.
 
I watch through my window,
Four years,
The world spins faster
Every time.
 
I am lonely again
And I can’t seem to shake
The fruitless winter
That has swallowed me whole.
—  poeticallyordinary
do NOT ever yell at someone when and if they are struggling with anxiety and are having a rough day doing simple tasks. just because you find them easy, does not determine for you to play god and decide for other people’s ‘easy and hard’ obstacles. okay? so please stop doing it.
—  shoutwiththedeviil
And again
I fall for you
Like I felt thousand times before
And I can’t help it
My Love, My Sun, My Liquor,
You make me drunk all the time
When I think about you
And the next day
I wonder
What will I do when I’m sober?
—  my midnight thoughts

AND NOW WE COME TO

jimmy became saul in order to stay with kim and it KILLS ME

like, throughout the entire show we’ve been seeing jimmy’s longing to become partners with kim, but most of all, professional partners. 

he started it in season 1 with bingo, when he tried to interest kim in going into elder law with him in his fancy new office.

then he takes the job with davis and main against his better interests and instincts, in order to stay with kim, because she won’t go scamming with him every night, and the only chance he has of really spending quality time with her is to work with her.

it’s only when his ability to freely work with kim on his case gets sabotaged that he breaks away from davis and main, and offers to go out on his own as wexler & mcgill. and he’s so desperate for this that when she offers the imperfect solution of wexler AND mcgill, he jumps for it.

when kim’s stake in their quasi-partnership is threatened, he goes straight to his scammer instinct and not just sabotages chuck, but hurts him in the way that cuts chuck the worst (because siblings always know how to hurt you the most).

and think about how much being co-counsel with kim must mean to jimmy. but the fact is, it’s his own trial, so the conditions are ruined from the start. he has to salvage this somehow, but with a 12-month suspension, how is he going to keep up the partnership he’s spent so long trying to achieve?

giving up the office means giving up the very thing that ties the two of them together in jimmy’s mind. the shared office space is EVERYTHING to jimmy, and he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep it… but he’s going to lose kim in the process.

and all of this could have been overcome if 1. kim had not been so hyperfocused on work and professional success (yeah, I’m going for Kim’s Fatal Flaw here even if as far as sin goes it is minor compared to jimmy’s), and if 2) jimmy didn’t think that the only way he can be worthy of kim is on a professional level. she’s signaled to him that his professional success has nothing to do with her love for him, but he can’t bring himself to understand that his is not a rejection of him as a person. he wants to do the thing he loves most with her, and what he loves most is wheeling, dealing and convincing. he does this as a lawyer and a scammer, and the only way she can accept him and keep her job is if he does it only as a lawyer.

BUT HE WANTS KIM TO BE HIS NEW MARCO. AND SHE CAN’T BE HIS MARCO.

like, i fantasize about a universe where mcwexler actually works, and it’s a universe where kim is able to take a step back from her job and success in order to spend quality time with jimmy that doesn’t have to do with work. but more, it’s a universe where jimmy lets go of the idea that he has to be A Successful Lawyer in order to be with kim in any way, and embarks on entrepreneurship with kim supporting him financially and emotionally until he gets on his feet.

and meantime he gets off on waiting on her when she gets home from work because, you know, sub.

I.
you’ll need soft, thin muslin and a needle and thread.
trace him out with a crayon. cut with a steady
hand. cut with the sharpest scissors you own. my mother
always said, you have to make it so your seams don’t show.
that means tiny stitches. that means slow going
and a sure needle.

take your time. soon you’ll sew up all your heartbreaks
by hand.

II.
fill him. fill him with beans, kernels, seeds: something
organic, something hard, like he was. stitch him tight up
the back. let your fingertip worry the seam like you used
to stroke his spine.

i wouldn’t suggest kissing him–he’s cool to the touch, all
lumps and cotton when your lips only remember silk–
but there’s no harm in it. not anymore.

III.
pour yourself a glass of wine. pour him a draught of lighter
fluid. toss a match with one hand and toast him with
the other. close your eyes and listen to his stuffing
clatter to the ground. it will sound like hail,
fireworks,
gunfire:
a punishment,
a revolution,
a warning.

IV.
this is what you make when you keep leaving fist-sized holes
in the walls.

when you can’t stand the idea of hurting him,
but you can’t stand him, either.

—  YOU WON’T FIND THIS ON PINTEREST, by jones howell
abandonment
would seem selfish
if i was not already empty.
    
unprepared,
quaking,
i rattle bones
and hear an orchestra.
   
living and dying
are often irrelevant.
    
the intrepid unknown,
   
i sleep
across train tracks
and feel very much alive.
—  poeticallyordinary, intrepid unknown.