poetry from 2011

It happened in a breath. In a tight, wheezy, gasping, ice cold breath, it was all over. What had once been a part of my life for so long had been disintegrated, it had been beaten, broken into pieces, and the remnants of it was burned to ashes and blown away. What once existed between us did not just end. We had a life together and that life hadn’t just died, it was murdered and we were left standing over it with our hands dirty. It was so quick. One minute we were so much in love, swimming in the deep and affectionate feelings we had for each other, and the next minute we were sitting in a concrete pool with all the water drained and nothing left to do but walk away.

I still remember how it started. You hurt me. You debated if you could be happier with someone else when I had never even thought it was possible for me to be happier than when I was with you. You broke my heart and although I forgave you after awhile, my heart was never healed. I couldn’t forget what you did to me. I became someone else, someone trying too hard to be okay and it made me cold and you didn’t really care. I aspired for revenge and I got it and I broke your heart just like you had broken mine. You hated me and you hated the fact that you still loved me even more. You got back at me and I brushed it off. We feared the idea of change and we strangled the life out of our love by trying so desperately to hold on to it.

You left over and over again but you always came right back until I finally told you to stay away. But like a magnet you continued to draw yourself to me, and like a magnet I repelled you. I put up a barrier even though I knew how broken and weak I was. I refused to give in. I’m still not sorry and you know that. I’m not sorry I removed you from my life but I am sorry I made you cry so much. You made me cry too though and sometimes when something reminds me of us, I still cry. But I don’t miss you and you don’t miss me. We miss who we used to be and when we think about our demise it only hurts because we didn’t see it coming.

—  “I wrote this 4 years ago, 3 months after we said goodbye.” (Weshallprevail)

I have a swarm of bees inside me
I can’t let them out
Let them be free
I can only keep them inside
And hope I don’t explode
Hope someone comes to help
Me open the doors
The windows, let it all out
Because the longer they stay
All buzzing and swarming
Getting angrier with each passing second
To the point of breaking
I will feel nothing
Nothing at all
A cold empty she’ll
Where I not longer live
A walking dead
An empty bee give
When all the bees have gone
A ghost, a whisper of what has been
What will never be again
But, if I am not here
Where am I?
Lost, small, scared
Dark, blackness
Surrounds my soul
And I fade away
The bees are leaving
Just an old, abandoned bee hive