And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee; - Edgar Allan Poe
I used to know a soldier boy who put the glow in my skin and poetry in my blood. I used to be the girl who waved a wand and filled his life with magic.
We built an empire of our own, our fortress sky high. We sprinkled seeds of happiness, painted the air with teen spirit and monster-proofed it from end to end. It was our sanctuary. We weaved and weaved a fairytale in there; until we both turned to dust one day.
But the empire? It’s still right there, frozen in time. Nothing can touch it - not even us.
And I wish I could tell you, but it’s too sacred for the world to know:
The story of the magician, the soldier and their empire of sorcery.
The magician, the soldier and the empire of sorcery.
being in love with me is easy. i will kiss you all the time, I will compliment you a lot, I will hug and cuddle you at every given chance, I will be silly with you, I will joke with you, I will take a million pictures of you and us, I will give you little things that made me think of you, I will tell you when I’m thinking of you, I will always think of you, you will be in all my thoughts, I will worry endlessly about you, I will always try to make you smile, I will always do my best to make you happy, I will always want you to be happy, I will always support you, I will always be there for you when you need me, I will give you space when you need it, and I will love you unconditionally. being in love with me is easy.
being in love with me is hard. I am clingy, I’m too touchy, You don’t like pictures, you will wonder why I need all the pictures, I will think of you too often, I need to much reassurance, I have a never ending need for reassurance, I will sometimes need you in the middle of the night, I have an inability to be serious, everything is a joke to me, if I have a thought I will share it with you no matter how insignificant, I will try too hard, I am too inconsistent, I will seem like I don’t care but I do, I will care too much, I will do everything I can to make you happy, I will love you unconditionally. being in love with me is hard.
i have begun to worry that the things that make me easy to love will be the things that make me hard to love. i am not enough and never will be.
“Is it hard letting go of him?”
It is. And it’s not just because I miss him. Because who he is right now isnt who I miss. I don’t know who he is anymore. But its hard letting go.
Because I had this person who became a huge chunk of my life,a person who lit fires in the darkest parts of my soul. And then he was gone.
The fires burnt out and now I have a gaping hole in my heart.
And thats why it hurts to let go,
It happens in stages really,one day I found myself laughing at how pathetic I was for ever loving him,but the next day I was on the floor of my bedroom begging God to bring him back to me.
I think if anyone has ever experienced heartbreak,you know how hard it is to do things without that person. It’s literally way too hard than its expected,and its also pretty hard to accept it.
Its also hard to grasp the fact that the person you grew to love is now a stranger to you. You don’t talk to them anymore but you hear about them and your stomach clenches and I guarantee you,it doesn’t feel good.
Im sorry to tell you this but,you’ll probably always have a spot for them in your heart,the hole they made can be filled by them,and only them.
I truthfully don’t think I will ever let go of him fully either.
“It is so weird seeing someone who you once cared so much about after a long time. They’re the same, but they’re different. You see them, and there’s no longer that spark that you used to feel every time you even had a simple thought about them. And it’s awkward. Here is this person standing in front of you, or passing you by, and you know every little thing about them, every single detail. Except that they feel like a stranger now, and you’re not quite sure what to do. So you offer a small, awkward wave or hand motion of some sort, maybe even a small half-smile, and you keep on walking. In the other direction, out of their life forever. And as you walk away, you think how–at one time–seeing them would have lit up your whole day.
there are five matches
sustaining five flames
that light up the cloak of darkness
that invelops your soul.
the first match,
reminds you of the new-born sparks of utter dread
ignited into your brother’s eyes
as he carried you to safety.
the second match,
reminds you of the flames
surging out of your childhood home
hearing her screeches reverberate past the forest
that deceased with her inside of the fire
as a sign of mother nature’s
condolences and respect.
the third match,
reminds you of the vengeful fires
that captivated your girlfriend as well
and robbed her from your life
so you would be coerced
into letting your biggest nightmares
from the past
to further on haunt you
through these lonely
and sleepless nights.
the fourth match,
reminds you of how
you weren’t able to save
a single soul
you so genuinely cared about
and loved so deeply
from the blaze.
the fifth match,
reminds you of
your deserved punishment
in the lowest depths of hell
in return for attempting
to combat your biggest nightmares
and wishing through the bitter voices
of souls hollering in agony from afar
to be finally normal again.
you’re watching the five flames
of the matches
discreetly sway back and forth at you
as if they authentically fear
that they have no more power
and moves left in store
to take you further down anymore
because not once
have you cried
nor begged to be freed
you just fought it through
and let the pain sink into your skin
thinking that you deserved it.
you cursed but dapper boy,
you have won this battle
and they’d all be so proud of you.
I miss the days when it was easy
I miss when I could talk to you whenever
I miss seeing you every week
I miss the times when I was sure
Sure that things were going to work out
I miss you saying you love me
I miss you waking me each morning
I miss the feel of your arms around me
I miss when “we” were “us”
Stupid, giddy, girly question. I kind of frowned back at her.
“Him. I guess. Can you like and hate someone at the same time? Cause that’s him. I’d take him back but he still makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know. He’s annoying and dumb but he was mine. I hate him for leaving and moving on so quick and not caring but I’ll always love him.”
She shifted uneasily and leaned in.
“It’s been like four months or something since we broke up, I know. And I’m fine. I don’t need everyone’s pity because ‘aww it’s so sad she still likes him!!’ I’m fine. Next topic.”
I snapped, cutting her off before she’d even had the chance to speak. I’d heard these questions far too often to care for answering them anymore.
I know I used to live without you but that was before; Before I knew the brown speckles of your eyes or the softness of your lips, before your laughter became my favourite sound and your smile the brightest part of my day, before I fell in love with you. Now it hurts to imagine even a day without you because you are a part of me; You course through my veins. You changed me and now I can never be without you again.
I don’t know how to use
as narration, don’t know
how to capture what-is-what-isn’t
I write and pull out the thoughts
in my head pluck them loose to sit
in rows of tidy black and white
(they want to run loose
and I’d let them, delighting in their colors but
I’d choke within a day
on my own rampant wanderings)
But I stand on a street corner watching
the snow swirl down the buildings
pile up a pair of girls
young and brilliant after school, delighting in
a set of socks in a window
I don’t dare say
because a man asks for change for coffee and
a couple holds hands against the cold and
a pigeon nestles refusing to fly and
how is that any more important
than the thousand other things
I have not time to name
enveloping the universe
in their wonder and sheer quiddity
of being alive?