poem of jealousy

every mouth you’ve ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you’ve ever undressed
and ploughed in to
were preparing you for me.
i don’t mind tasting them in the
memory of your mouth
they were a long hall way
a door half open
a single suit case still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
did it take you long to find me?
you’re here now,
welcome home.
—  Warsan Shire
Borderline Jealousy (based on my own experience)

It grips me by the throat, clutching my body, suffocating me with its words whispering into my ear like a manipulative demon. I see him, across the room, talking with a girl. My mind whirls and the helplessness creeps into me like a sudden, crashing wave that leaves me struggling and fighting for breath. 

My legs feel frozen, the tears well in my eyes, I will myself to not get caught up with the irrational thoughts, but they push their way into my mind without my consent and the ugliness takes control. My mind races and the intense jealously comes to me and knocks me off my feet. The panic rises and overcomes me as I feel you slipping from my fingertips. 

He shouldn’t be talking to her, why is he talking to her? Why does he seem so happy? Does she make him happy? He’s abandoning me. He’s leaving, he loves her, not me. I am nothing, I have lost him. He is gone, I might as well fade away and never talk to him again. He has found somebody else.

My lip trembles and he’s suddenly so far away as I stand there, my confidence fading, my anger rising, as my eyes glue themselves onto the image of the two of you laughing and chatting. My chest feels tight and there’s a hollow emptiness that won’t go away. It feels as if there’s never been a light in my life; only darkness and sorrow. The feeling overtakes me and it’s like it’s been there all along, and nothing else. It’s physically painful and my body aches.

The jealously mixes with anger and suddenly it’s a terrible storm, and I tell myself that you don’t need me.

I hate him. Fuck him.  

My back turns and it’s suddenly clear, you’ve found somebody else and I must be out of the picture now. It’s over and I’ve lost you, so soon, so suddenly. My heart is breaking as I walk away with anger and intense despondency weighing down on my soul like a hammer, pounding away and kicking me down.

Then, by some miracle, you walk over and talk to me, filling my heart with happiness and joy. The girl is now walking away, gone from your side. A smile grows across my lips and the light is suddenly back.

He loves me, he hasn’t abandoned me. I need him so much. I’ve never been upset in my life; how could I doubt him? I love him so much.

You’ve carved yourself into my soul again and suddenly, the event that just happened, is gone from my mind as I crawl back to you. The jealousy fades away, it came and went so quickly, I feel foolish for thinking those things, he obviously likes me, not her.

He’s not talking to her at this moment, so he must not care about her. Once more, I feel as if I’ve found my home, but I pessimistically wait for the cycle to start again, when I become intensely jealous over something that’s nothing, and feel distressed and suicidal all over again. A terrible and vicious cycle, which destroys me, and consumes me with guilt, shame and sadness.

A cycle and feeling that causes all the hope to leave my life, and makes me believe that my favorite person doesn’t need or love me, and that I am going to be replaced.

An internal nightmare, that replays itself every-day, that causes me to lose my sanity every time it creeps along and shatters me to pieces.

I’m jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It’s closer than my hands have been
I’m jealous of the rain
I’m jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It’s closer than your shadow
Oh, I’m jealous of the wind, ‘cause

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me
All you found was heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say,
I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me

I’m jealous of the nights
That I don’t spend with you
I’m wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I’m jealous of the nights
I’m jealous of the love
Love that wasn’t here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I’m jealous of the love, ‘cause

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me
All you found was heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say,
I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
‘Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

I wished you the best of all this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me
All you found was heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say,
I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me

It’s hard for me to say,
I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me

—  Labrinth -Jealous
Jealousy pushes its fingers against
The skin on my chest,
Right over my lungs and heart,
Crushing my breast and I fear
That those fingers will curl
Around ribs to rip them out
And leave me breathless.
—  A.N