poem of jealousy

every mouth you’ve ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you’ve ever undressed
and ploughed in to
were preparing you for me.
i don’t mind tasting them in the
memory of your mouth
they were a long hall way
a door half open
a single suit case still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
did it take you long to find me?
you’re here now,
welcome home.
—  Warsan Shire
It’s hard to tell
if the sway of her hips
stirs my heart or
fills me with envy.

I don’t know
if I want to be
the last thing she thinks about
before she falls asleep
or if I just want to be in her bed,

can’t decipher if I want to be her
or be with her.

If she were to look at me,
I think I might disappear
blushing the scarlets and violets
of my grandmother’s old wallpaper,

but if she doesn’t look at me,
I might as well not exist.
—  the dilemma of loving girls while being a girl /// h.m.m

you know, it’s crazy. for the longest time i was so jealous of your cups, your bed, your socks, the drugs you consumed, and even god. some of the most simplistic things. although now, i have something new to be jealous of. something much more complex.
her.
i am no longer jealous of the cups you drink out of because now you’re sharing your drinks with her and your lips are touching hers. i am no longer jealous of your bed as for you’re intertwining your legs with hers and she’s the one who keeps you safe at night. i am no longer jealous of your socks because now she locks her soft hands with yours while walking through crowded places and is there with you every step of the way. i am no longer jealous of the drugs you consume because now you’re doing drugs with her, getting high, and even then she can still manage to make you feel higher than the drugs. i am no longer jealous of the god in the sky as for now she’s the one knowing all the integrate parts of you. you know, it’s crazy. now i’m dealing with something much more complicated.

Jealousness

I sat from across the room with my group of friends and you sat on the other side with yours. We usually had our occasional eye contacts to one another. Then she came, she was one among the many that wanted your attention. I sat in silence from the other side of the room, watching her bounce her way into your circle of friends, she noticeably flirted with you as you laughed at her incoherent jokes and comments. Angered burned inside my veins as I continue to look off into the distance as the two of you continued your foreplay. She made a comment that caused you to throw your head back and laugh as she grasped the opportunity to slyly touch you. In the midst of her telling you about her all so interesting trip to Manhattan, your eyes scanned the room for mine. There I was, fuming with rage as we exchanged eye contact from a distance until she called for your attention again. She continued to talk and talk, but I could tell that you were not interested in what she was discussing, but more interested in the jealousness that took over me. I could see it, from the frequent glances and smirks you sent across to me with every phony joke she made. We were not even an item, we had never talked like that before, yet jealousness burned inside of me, and you enjoyed every bit of it.