There are boxes of clementines
in the kitchen and the thing is that
I love you again. The thing is that
I love what orange tastes like so
I eat too much of it and end up sick.
Last year, I brought up questions
about mending after loss
and all orange could bring was
eye spasms and stomach aches.
But now the only pain left is left
in rinds, and there are plenty of ways
to remove it from the heart.
I won’t do it, though. Instead, I will
mock the break with more breaking
and eat all the clementines again.
I only say “again” because
I don’t know how to say
I never stopped.
Alessia Di Cesare, The Side Effects of Eating Too Many Clementines
Some nights I miss you, but I’ve stopped wanting you.
Some nights I think it’s more that I just wish I had someone to lay next to me. Someone to listen to my hopes and dreams, someone to comfort me when I’m hurt. Someone to reassure me that everything is going to be ok, or to remind me that I can do anything, when my perception of my potential becomes a little less than clear.
Some nights I miss who you were when we first met - the good I saw in you before you stopped putting on the act to get my attention, to win my love - the love that you eventually started to take for granted.
But as those moments come, they are immediately replaced with memories of cheating and betrayal. Of careless acts of blatant disrespect, of white lies that you told me while looking me dead in the eye, of lonely nights when I needed you and you were never there. And all of the excuses you gave me whenever you decided to hurt me, over and over again.
Some nights I miss you - but I believe now it’s more that I miss who you were to me in those first few months. Or who I wished you would be all along.
Or maybe, It’s not that I miss you, I just miss the companionship that you provided. Something I know now that I can get from anyone else.
Some nights I miss you. Some nights I want someone - but that someone is no longer you.
In a world
that is determined by hate
defined by rationalism
it is a rebellious act
to fall for someone head over heels,
to love them with everything you have
and choose heart over mind.
I almost always need your advice.
That hasn’t changed.
Even in your absence, I still find myself searching for you.
I can’t hear your voice, I can’t call.
So I close my eyes and just think about what you would tell me to do.
And almost always I can remember what you would say.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye, you learn.”
hold on to him. i know you doubt his love sometimes, but he really loves you. i promise. he is just not as good at showing it as you are. or maybe he just shows it differently than you do and that’s okay. so please, please don’t go away. i promise you, he is here to stay.
hold on to him. he’ll be the light guiding you through the dark night. he’ll be the soft delicate touch when you’re skin feels like steel that will break any second. he’ll be the one living inside of your chest when comfort and absence is a rare mix inside of your body, confusing you and shattering you. hold on to him, even if your fingers tend to slip sometimes. he’ll put you back on your feet, he’ll turn to you when something went wrong. he’ll be there for you, even when you can’t see him.
hold on to him, because if you don’t, you’ll regret it.