poaching free

WHITE WINE SAUCE AND POACHING EGGS LIKE A BOSS

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE A CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER, AND YOU DESERVE THE BREAKFAST OF KINGS AND QUEENS. 

THIS HERE IS A RECIPE TO POACH SOME EGGS AND MAKE A GLORIOUS WHITE WINE SAUCE AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. WHIP AN ENTHUSIASTIC ‘TA DAAA’ OUT OF YOUR ASS, BECAUSE THIS SHIT’S MAGICAL. 

(if you’re a gluten-free kinda boss, you can use rice flour or some other non-gluten flour, it’s totally fine. Likewise, you could use a butter substitute to avoid dairy. Do eggs count as dairy? I always figured they were protein. If you can’t eat eggs, you’re kinda screwed here, sorry. You could still just make the sauce though!) 

EXERCISE YOUR DIPLOMAT SKILLS BY MAKING PEACE BETWEEN TWO WARRING COUNTRIES. ACCEPT THEIR GIFT OF WHITE WINE, AS A SYMBOL OF THANKS AND THEIR SUBTLE ATTEMPT TO GET YOU DRUNK. DON’T SAY ANYTHING, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU’RE THE FUCKING LIFE OF ANY PARTY. YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD. 

USING YOUR WATERBENDING SKILLS, SWEEP 1 CUP OF WHITE WINE AND 1 CUP OF WATER INTO A WIDE SAUCEPAN. SHOOT A BLAZE OF FIERY JUSTICE SO THAT THIS LIQUID PERFECTION BEGINS TO BOIL. 

THROW IN 1 BAY LEAF, HARVESTED FROM THE MOUNTAINS OF NEPAL AFTER YOU STUDIED THE SUBTLE ART OF STORM PHOENIX WRESTLING. 

ADD A GENEROUS PINCH OF THYME. SO GENEROUS. MASTER OF TIME…ER…THYME. DOCTOR? DOCTOR. *shaking your hand* DOCTOR!

PLUCK ¼ A TEASPOON OF SALT FROM THE BORDER LINING YOUR HOUSE. I’M SURE THE DEMONS WONT NOTICE A SMALL BIT MISSING FROM THE BARRIER. 

KICK THAT HEAT UP INTO A BOIL FOR 5 MINUTES, LETTING THE HERBS AND PERFECTION SEEP INTO YOUR WINE-WATER. YOU DESERVE THE BEST FOOD, DON’T EVEN DOUBT THAT FACT. 

FISH OUT THE BAY LEAF, BECAUSE IT’S A BIT AWKWARD TO EAT, AND TOSS IN AN EGG TO POACH!

WHEN THE WHITES OF THE EGGS ARE TOTALLY OPAQUE, THEY’RE READY FOR EATING (though the yolk will be runny)  THIS SHOULD TAKE ABOUT 5 MINUTES. LET 'EM SIT A BIT LONGER FOR MORE-COOKED YOLKS

YOU CAN COOK 2-5 LARGE EGGS IN THIS PERFECTION. 

IF YOU’RE NOT CONFIDENT WITH YOUR 'cracking eggs directly into the liquid’ SKILLS, YOU CAN CRACK AN EGG INTO A SMALL BOWL, THEN SLIDE THAT SUCKER INTO ITS DEATHTRAP OF DELICIOUSNESS. 

LOOK AT YOUR FANCY ASS, MAKING POACHED EGGS~

HEY NOW, WHAT’S THIS! YOU’VE GOT SOME AMAZING HERBY WINE SHIT LEFT OVER!

LET IT SIMMER IN ITS OWN PERFECTION UNTIL ONLY ABOUT A CUP OF IT REMAINS IN THE PAN. 

TOSS IN 1 TABLESPOON OF BUTTER AND 2 TEASPOONS OF FLOUR AND HARNESS THE FURY OF A TORNADO TO WHISK THAT MAJESTY UNTIL IT’S AS SMOOTH AS THE POETIC COMPLIMENTS SLIPPING FROM TOM HIDDLESTON’S MOUTH. 

ONCE IT’S SMOOTH, YOU CAN DRIZZLE THAT SUCCULENT SAUCE ALL OVER YOUR POACHED EGGS. 

TO BE EXTRA LAVISH, YOU CAN INCLUDE SOME SLICES OF AVOCADO AND SOME PEACH JUICE TO GO WITH YOUR PERFECT BREAKFAST. 

As some of you may know today is Burns day! And traditionally we Scots have a bit of haggis tonight. What you might not know is that a haggis is a real creature! They are about a foot long, live in the highlands and it’s left legs are a different length from it’s right legs for running efficiently up mountains sideways. Unfortunately haggis are now endangered due to exscessive hunting and poaching so please feel free to spread the word and educate the world about this fascinating creature.

I have included an artist’s impression. I saw one once, honest.