plots based on posters

You like fire?!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!? You like politically-uninformed baristas? Then you’ll love “Speed” as presented by Starbucks! We’ve officially got them as a backer. They’re AMPED up (not to be confused with the Toxic Avenger-piss “Amp” or whatever).

Keanu Reeves plays a poet-turned-barista is this comedic thriller / docu-drama. Years of sub-par poetry submissions to “Reader’s Digest” have left The Keanu broke and penniless. Close up: his first day on the job at Starbies and The Keanu gets busted staring into a used, empty paper cup. He’s not okay with taking out the trash and cleaning the bathrooms of Boise Starbucks, Store Number 3716. He’s bigger than this. He’s better than this. “Who will be the next president?” he wonders aloud.

What he doesn’t realize is that one of the poem’s he submitted to “Reader’s Digest” two years ago got someone fired. Her name is “Sandra Bullock” and she’s played by Dennis Hopper in the role a lifetime. “Sandra” defended The Keanu’s poem and argued at LENGTH to get it into the magazine. I think the poem will probably be about fly-fishing or something like that. Hunting, maybe. Anywho, the Big Wigs at “Reader’s Digest” think that “Sandra” is an insane person and fire the shit out of her.

So, “Sandra” gets all wackadoo and buys a bus. Buys a bus? Yes, buys a bus. Why not steal it? The Gentle Housing Bubble, son! “SANDRA” RICH AS SHIIIIIIIIIIIT.

However, “Sandra” picks up a hooker named Erin Brockovich and they drive to Boise together. This is the buddy comedy you’ve dreamed about but never gotten - Dennis Hopper as a woman named “Sandra” and Sandra Bullock as a world-famous prostitute. Think “Driving Miss Daisy” but less racist.

“Sandra’s” plan is to run over The Keanu for ruining her life by causing her to lose her job. But before she can do that, she must file suit in a Boise City courthouse. She’s suing The Keanu for the intellectual and legal rights to the poem that got her fired. Erin is her legal representation. Sinbad plays the judge, but is real down-to-earthy despite the roughness and crime-ridden streets of Boise, causing a heavily populated courthouse all the time. A serious “Night Court.”

The Keanu, however, is about to vote because it’s Election Day. Actually, Election Day was the day before but The Keanu forgot because he’s a fucking moron. He’s voting for Dukakis and believes in Democracy. But also, he’s super on drugs.

In her bus with Erin, “Sandra” sees The Keanu across the street from the courthouse. She knows him from his heartfelt yet mysterious poet headshot. “Sandra” starts screaming and is all (CLOSE UP) “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” As she lays on the gas, the bus does a fucking wheelie and fire shoots out of the back. Oh, while they were driving up from the “Reader’s Digest” headquarters in Minneapolis, they stopped in Milwaukee and got the bus super tricked out. There’s a montage of it. But while the bus was getting tricked out, Erin was in the restroom so she doesn’t know about all of this. And here’s the kicker: she’s allergic to fire. Yeah, hives and everything. Emergency room!

So, the bus is on two wheels in the middle of a rough downtown Boise and flames are blasting out of the back and Erin begins to have a seizure. “Sandra” sees it and is like, ‘Whoa,“ because she doesn’t know what to do - save her friend or attack her enemy. The Keanu is trying to remember who is Dukakis’s running mate and also who farted.

The whole plan backfires because the bus explodes. "Sandra” and Erin Brockovich are dead as shit. The Keanu goes to work and thinks more on his miserable existence. Final shot: The Keanu in the restroom at his Starbies talking to a dark-clad man wearing dark sunglasses. The man says, “Whaddya want?” The Keanu looks into the camera and says, “What I always want - SPEED.”