we’ll help you, my mother tells me, but you’ve got to want to help yourself too. my father, standing by my bed, saying, play the piano again for us, for your mind. i think of what it will mean to take medication: the white pill between my fingers like a secret, a pearl pressed flat on a train track. the cold water glass. my heart unfurling.
i dig through the dusty piano bench. pressed in a yellowed 60s copy of preparatory exercises are loose leaf pages, a secret. titled sebastian in someone else’s handwriting, scanned copy of notes drawn in pen on printed staff. sebastian, meaning: basket of marigolds, summer as rich as wine, brideshead, in the time before depression when my tongue was a moon crater still learning to how to taste the word man.
here, by the keys, my bones hum. melancholy is a night with no wind pressed up against my ribs. i hold on to my body as if it were its own secret, me, my blood, and all the words i cannot say. take my time with each note. my hands wreaths of rust, the dust spilling out of me. i think again of the pills, my heart prying itself open to reveal the real heart nestled inside, the red one, the one that beats.
summer is only a word, but it’s an orange word, a kind of burning. i play softly. there’s a ghost in the room somewhere. he might be sitting on the bench. he might be evaporating.
I found a doctoral program I am interested in applying for, contingent on the award of competitive funding, and my husband said I should go for it!! I’ve been so sad lately and this new possibility is a ray of light.
I wouldn’t apply until next funding cycle in 2018, but I can start preparing now.
It has been a long time since I’ve felt hopeful. I hope this lasts. I’m excited!
Watching Sam tonight was refreshing. He looked at all of the possibilities, he calculated. He thought of a possible way to save Kelly and her unborn child–because saving people means all of the people. He considered Castiel’s actions (taking the colt) and he thought of Castiel’s well being in the situation. Why is Cas doing this? That kind of thing. Regardless of the actions made tonight by others around him, Sam still considered the well being of his friends, his brother, and the people he’s trying to save.