please never forget me

Please take the time to read, you might be mentioned.

Okay, you guys. I don’t really know how else to say this. Basically, I just need to make sure this gets done while I’m feeling okay, or else it never will, and I know that.

Here goes.

Things are getting kind of rough. I’m stressed all the time, I hate the idea of having to be alone, I can’t deal with a lot of things that have happened in my life, and I have a hard time letting go of the way things used to be and dealing with the fact that everything in my life has to change again and again within the next ten years. 

I hate that I’ve done bad things to good people, and I don’t even know why I did them. I hate that I haven’t been able to stick up for some of my friends. I hate that I’ve seen terrible things happen and haven’t been able to stop them. I hate my inability to say “no.” I hate seeing other people get hurt–I can’t not notice it. I hate that my mom doesn’t talk to me unless she needs to, and I hate that i don’t know how to fix it. I hate how unhappy my dad is and that even if I could be there, it wouldn’t help him at all. i hate how broken my family is. I’m scared to ask whether or not they miss me at all. Most importantly, I hate how scared I am for my future. I’m so afraid to fail, to have a terrible life, to end up like the rest of my family. I’m so afraid to be alone, to feel sad all the time, to alienate myself. I don’t feel like I can do this. There’s too many ways to slide back down.

I have an addiction that I can’t overcome. I’ve tried so many times, and every single thing in my life eats at my wrists, and I can’t make it stop. People judge me everywhere I go, and all I want to do is love everyone, but they make it so hard. I wish they wouldn’t dismiss me because of my stories or my appearance. I want to love them, and I wish they knew how good I can be.

If I can’t finish out this year, I just want to say I’m so sorry. I know it would hurt a lot of people, but you all need to understand how much I suffer every day. I hate being here. I hate being here and being scared and sad all the time. i feel like I’m dragging my feet just to get around. I hate having to get up and try, when I’m not worth the dirt that I walk on. I hate having to pretend that I’m happy and that everything’s fine. I hate myself.

So here comes the list.

Colby, I love you, and you are by far the best thing that has happened in my life. I can’t even think about hurting you, but it’s bound to happen someday, so in advance, I’m sorry, and i want you to be happy. Please just always be happy.

Kaitlin, I want you to know how much I appreciate what you and your mom have done for me. Thank you so much for everything, from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys.

Dad, I want to be there for you so badly. I know you’re not happy. I know you’re getting by, but I want you to feel good again. I want you to wake up and be excited for your day. I want you to succeed in the ways that you’ve always dreamed of. I love you, and I hate that I can’t fix things for you. But I guess I’m so much like you, so I understand the way you think most of the time. 

Mom, I know we didn’t always get along. You’re a big part of this, because i feel so guilty. i feel like I made your life so difficult, and I wish I could go back and un-say some of the things I said and be there more. I want to always talk to you and tell you about my day and tell you that I love you, but lately I feel like I’m just bothering you. I don’t want to do that anymore. i’m sorry, and I wish I could’ve done something to make you proud of me. I love you.

Josh, Tanner, and Dawn, I just met you guys a couple of months ago, and I can’t even tell you how much I love and appreciate you. You all make me so happy, and you make me feel like I belong somewhere. I am so happy I met you and that i’ve been able to spend this time with you. Hopefully we have a little more left. :) I love you guys so much.

Kyle Putnam, you are a different character. I see so much of my former self in you in a way. I know that you want everyone to be good, and I know you feel really uncomfortable around others’ actions sometimes, but I want you to know that I love you, and i see your good intentions, and I understand. You’re a thoughtful person, Kyle, and I hope you succeed. Even though I haven’t gotten to know you too well, and I still probably won’t, i always include you in my circle of friends.

Dani, Ryan, Daryn, Katie, Chelsee, Sam, Jason, Reve, Brenna, and all my other theater kids, you guys are my family, and I am so proud of all of you, and I want to thank you sincerely for making my shitty high school experience just a little bit better. I love you all, and I need you to keep doing what you do. You guys are amazing, talented, good-hearted people, and I can’t wait for you to get out of this town and do something amazing with your lives. 

Will Hughes, you have no idea how happy it makes me to walk down the hall and hear you yell “BIG SISTER” and give me a hug, and ask how my day is. You keep me sane, and I love you and your mom more than i can express. You are an amazing guy, will. Don’t go down the wrong path. I love you, and I’m always thinking of you.

Shakanna, you always have been and always will be my best friend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong like you said. I’m sorry I hurt you. Don’t think any less of me, please… I love you and I appreciate that you’ve always been here for me. i just couldn’t do it anymore. Any of my stuff is yours if you want it. You know what’s best for my belongings, I think. I wish you and Noah the best, and I love you guys. And I want to say thank you for welcoming me into your family, and tell your mom and ted that I love them. 

Henry, Phil, Cody Higgins, and all my other far away friends, I love you guys, and I’ve gotten so close to you over these years. You have had an impact on my life, and I’m so happy I got to meet you all. I still think about you always, and I wish we talked more. I hope you guys are doing great, and I wish you the best happiness in your futures. Love you guys.

I just needed to make sure this was done before things got to be too much. Tumblr followers, I love you all, and I appreciate that you’ve all been here and made my Tumblr experience fun. I hope you all have a great night.

3

Made another zine last month! This it’s Kurobasu☆
I’m, really glad I was able to finish this because the series is still really dear to me. Please never forget Kurobasu. Plus who doesn’t like boys beating each other up :3c

5.5x8.5" zine printed on 45lb text. 28 pages. Hand-bound.
The bundle includes one postcard, one 2.25" button, 2 stickers and one copy of book. 

Books are expected to ship out mid-July. All pre-orders will include a postcard.

Pre-order available through drops @ storenvy​.

I’m sorry if all my Maxon fancasting or edits end up with very white guys with blonde hair (and usually blue eyes that I have to photoshop into brown ones), but I didn’t get the whole Hispanic - Latino (whatever the correct term is) heritage from “His hair was a honey color, and his eyes were brown. He kind of looked like summertime, which I guess was attractive to some people.”
And it doesn’t matter to me that Kiera said it afterwards, I already had my image of Maxon in my head (thank you William Moseley) and after that’s set and done, there’s no turning back.
That implies that my image of Eadlyn is not what she’s really supposed to look like in the book. To me she’s white, a little less pale than her mother, with dark red hair that could be mistaken for brown hair and with green eyes. I blame it on the cover. 
Also, here, where I live, we have a different view on ethnicity. Being white here means having light fair skin, if you’re one shade above light brown skin, you’re white. It doesn’t matter who you’re ancestors were, what country your family “originated from”. Specially with as much miscegenation as we have. It is basically a skin color thing.
So it is really hard for me to pick up on these subtleties and have a clear image of how someone is supposed to look like. Telling me they’re from somewhere or are descendant from people from some country doesn’t tell me much of how they’re supposed to look like. I’m tired of people saying “Asian” and thinking that’s enough to describe a person. Give me features, features!
I’m so tired of reading euphemisms like authors are afraid to describe someone. But I guess that’s what I get for reading so many books from foreign authors. 

Dear Daddy,

I want to call you and tell you how much I love you. But I can’t I have to stay strong. I know you have your alcohol so I know you don’t need me. But I miss you daddy I really do.I love you. I wish I had you back. I wish you loved me as much as I love you. You never call me on my birthday or Christmas, never ask me to spend the weekend at your house. I wish you would just stop drinking. It has taken over your life. I don’t want you to die, I want you to walk me to the altr when I get married. You are slowly killing yourself. Practically forcing me to watch. Maybe next fathers day I can call you and say I love you , maybe hang out for the day, but for now I will have to stay strong and not talk to you for your own good. I’m sorry I couldn’t be perfect for you. But I love you , too bad that’s not enough.

Sincerely,
              your baby girl.

I hope and pray we can do this. All this loss and sadness makes me want to believe in God so I can pour my prayers into one place.

God, I’d do anything to make this easier on you. I suppose the best thing would be to disappear from your life for a while. I can’t promise that I won’t ask about you, but I can promise that I’ll keep to my word and keep my distance.

Just one last goodbye, please. Then it’s time to work.

Dear Lucie

first of all I want to say happy birthday. cuz you know, its your birthday ;) I hope you had a great day baby and I hope you saved me cake ok? k 

GO SHAWTY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE ITS YOUR BIRTHDAYYY~ BIRTHDAY SEX THO. HOE MAH GAWD~ 

I know I haven’t been a good friend lately and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being here when you needed me. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. im sorry for not being there to tell you “its gonna be okay” and to try make you smile. I’m sorry i wasnt a good friend. but I promise that I'l try my best so things can go back the way they used to between us!

so I just wanna say thank you so much for everything. for always being here for me. for being weird with me, and fangirling about the stupidest things ever, for making me smile, for listing to my shit and for taking me just the way i am and most of all thank you for being the best bestfriend ever.

I love you for trusting me. I love you for making me feel wanted. I love you for always being by my side. i love you for making me smile whenever i feel sad. i love you and your weirdness. i love you the way you are but most of all I LOVE YOU ‘cuz you’re my best friend!

I LOVE YOU LUCIE SO MUCH. PLEASE DONT EVER CHANGE. YOU ARE PERFECT. 


p.s: i do not look like jasmive v. 

- ayah (intobieber)

anonymous asked:

Hey, I just want to say that I have been having a slight sexuality/gender identity crisis recently and your nb!phan fic finally pushed me to come out to (only, not ready to tell the whole world quite yet) my best friend as pansexual and genderqueer, I am already out as bi (I'm female) but now she knows I'm non binary as well so thank you, I owe it to you 🌺

god fucking damn it i am in tears i never expected this okay never

you are fucking amazing in every single way i am so proud of you, this was not down to me this was down the huge amount of strength you have inside of you and i am endlessly happy for you. this is incredible.

i just write, y’know? i just write what i feel like writing and post it on here and never expect responses like this. this might be the best thing i’ve ever been sent and i will never forget this. 

please don’t thank me, thank YOU for sharing this <3 

A,

In three days I will have to say goodbye to you and in four days you’ll be gone to start your new life without me. I can’t even comprehend what the pain is going to be like, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. And once you’re gone, I will have no choice but to let go. I just ask you one thing, please never forget about me because I won’t ever forget about you. Although I’ll never admit it; I love you so much, too much.

K