Please take the time to read, you might be mentioned.
Okay, you guys. I don’t really know how else to say this. Basically, I just need to make sure this gets done while I’m feeling okay, or else it never will, and I know that.
Things are getting kind of rough. I’m stressed all the time, I hate the idea of having to be alone, I can’t deal with a lot of things that have happened in my life, and I have a hard time letting go of the way things used to be and dealing with the fact that everything in my life has to change again and again within the next ten years.
I hate that I’ve done bad things to good people, and I don’t even know why I did them. I hate that I haven’t been able to stick up for some of my friends. I hate that I’ve seen terrible things happen and haven’t been able to stop them. I hate my inability to say “no.” I hate seeing other people get hurt–I can’t not notice it. I hate that my mom doesn’t talk to me unless she needs to, and I hate that i don’t know how to fix it. I hate how unhappy my dad is and that even if I could be there, it wouldn’t help him at all. i hate how broken my family is. I’m scared to ask whether or not they miss me at all. Most importantly, I hate how scared I am for my future. I’m so afraid to fail, to have a terrible life, to end up like the rest of my family. I’m so afraid to be alone, to feel sad all the time, to alienate myself. I don’t feel like I can do this. There’s too many ways to slide back down.
I have an addiction that I can’t overcome. I’ve tried so many times, and every single thing in my life eats at my wrists, and I can’t make it stop. People judge me everywhere I go, and all I want to do is love everyone, but they make it so hard. I wish they wouldn’t dismiss me because of my stories or my appearance. I want to love them, and I wish they knew how good I can be.
If I can’t finish out this year, I just want to say I’m so sorry. I know it would hurt a lot of people, but you all need to understand how much I suffer every day. I hate being here. I hate being here and being scared and sad all the time. i feel like I’m dragging my feet just to get around. I hate having to get up and try, when I’m not worth the dirt that I walk on. I hate having to pretend that I’m happy and that everything’s fine. I hate myself.
So here comes the list.
Colby, I love you, and you are by far the best thing that has happened in my life. I can’t even think about hurting you, but it’s bound to happen someday, so in advance, I’m sorry, and i want you to be happy. Please just always be happy.
Kaitlin, I want you to know how much I appreciate what you and your mom have done for me. Thank you so much for everything, from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys.
Dad, I want to be there for you so badly. I know you’re not happy. I know you’re getting by, but I want you to feel good again. I want you to wake up and be excited for your day. I want you to succeed in the ways that you’ve always dreamed of. I love you, and I hate that I can’t fix things for you. But I guess I’m so much like you, so I understand the way you think most of the time.
Mom, I know we didn’t always get along. You’re a big part of this, because i feel so guilty. i feel like I made your life so difficult, and I wish I could go back and un-say some of the things I said and be there more. I want to always talk to you and tell you about my day and tell you that I love you, but lately I feel like I’m just bothering you. I don’t want to do that anymore. i’m sorry, and I wish I could’ve done something to make you proud of me. I love you.
Josh, Tanner, and Dawn, I just met you guys a couple of months ago, and I can’t even tell you how much I love and appreciate you. You all make me so happy, and you make me feel like I belong somewhere. I am so happy I met you and that i’ve been able to spend this time with you. Hopefully we have a little more left. :) I love you guys so much.
Kyle Putnam, you are a different character. I see so much of my former self in you in a way. I know that you want everyone to be good, and I know you feel really uncomfortable around others’ actions sometimes, but I want you to know that I love you, and i see your good intentions, and I understand. You’re a thoughtful person, Kyle, and I hope you succeed. Even though I haven’t gotten to know you too well, and I still probably won’t, i always include you in my circle of friends.
Dani, Ryan, Daryn, Katie, Chelsee, Sam, Jason, Reve, Brenna, and all my other theater kids, you guys are my family, and I am so proud of all of you, and I want to thank you sincerely for making my shitty high school experience just a little bit better. I love you all, and I need you to keep doing what you do. You guys are amazing, talented, good-hearted people, and I can’t wait for you to get out of this town and do something amazing with your lives.
Will Hughes, you have no idea how happy it makes me to walk down the hall and hear you yell “BIG SISTER” and give me a hug, and ask how my day is. You keep me sane, and I love you and your mom more than i can express. You are an amazing guy, will. Don’t go down the wrong path. I love you, and I’m always thinking of you.
Shakanna, you always have been and always will be my best friend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong like you said. I’m sorry I hurt you. Don’t think any less of me, please… I love you and I appreciate that you’ve always been here for me. i just couldn’t do it anymore. Any of my stuff is yours if you want it. You know what’s best for my belongings, I think. I wish you and Noah the best, and I love you guys. And I want to say thank you for welcoming me into your family, and tell your mom and ted that I love them.
Henry, Phil, Cody Higgins, and all my other far away friends, I love you guys, and I’ve gotten so close to you over these years. You have had an impact on my life, and I’m so happy I got to meet you all. I still think about you always, and I wish we talked more. I hope you guys are doing great, and I wish you the best happiness in your futures. Love you guys.
I just needed to make sure this was done before things got to be too much. Tumblr followers, I love you all, and I appreciate that you’ve all been here and made my Tumblr experience fun. I hope you all have a great night.