please don't flame

I have a question

And I really don’t want it to sound… ignorant or rude or anything. But it’s an honest question, so let me know if I word it wrong?

I feel like I see/follow/know more trans boys/trans men than I know tens girls/trans women. And I guess I just wondered why that is?

I feel like I see more YA books about trans boys and I encounter more trans boys than trans girls and I wonder if it’s like… a statistical thing, or is it there are less trans girls/trans women in the things I follow on tumblr and instagram or if it’s something else.

if you reblog oilers and (NO f*LAMES), then please like this post. For some reason it’s hard to follow a oilers blog without seeing them??? why

i’m cleaning out the blogs i’m following and junk like that, so i would like some more hockey blogs on my dash.

IM

NOT

OKAY

IM NOT OKAY

AT ALL

MASHIMA

IS

KILLING ME

WHY IS GRAY LOOKING AT NATSU LIKE THAT? WHY IS NATSU LOOKING AT GRAY LIKE THAT? MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS. I WAS NOT PREPARED AT ALL.OH GOD AND THEN THE ENDING STATEMENT. SADNESS. MASHIMA BETTER DELIVER WITH THIS PROMISE AND GIVE ME MORE SADNESS. I WANT MY HEART TO BE RIPPED INTO TINY PIECES. IM GOING DOWN WITH MY SHIP.

everyone always says that endgame isn’t worth it if you don’t enjoy the journey. but what if i am enjoying the journey? i’m enjoying the hell out of this journey. even the things that piss me off ultimately just add more to the journey overall. shipping olicity is an adventure and i feel very blessed to get to ride the roller coaster with them. i agree; endgame is secondary to the journey but in that situation, i feel i’ve already won. 

Important mom convos [inner world]
  • Okay, so, a conversation super similar to this just happened... I tried to write it down as quickly as possible as it was happening... I'm not sure why; it just felt important to me...
  • There may be some hard hitting stuff in here, so just a warning; it's just basically about my lifestyle and the concerns my mom has. I wanna keep it as something to look back on if I ever need to.
  • ___________________________
  • [Jake is up on the laptop, downstairs with a hot chocolate, sat at a chair at the breakfast table in the kitchen, his mum comes down in her dressing gown for a glass of water]
  • [Jake’s mum sees her son with his eyes pinned to the screen]
  • J mum: Jake? Are you still awake? [slightly annoyed tone]
  • Jake: Yeah. I can’t sleep
  • J mum: But you have a flight back to LA tomorrow morning?
  • Jake: Yeah… [still at the screen] I was just gonna grab a coffee and head onto the plane tonight while you were sleeping… I hate saying goodbye
  • J mum: [folds her arms and bites her lips] [Pauses for a moment] What’s the rush back to LA, Jake?
  • Jake: [away from the laptop] The rush?! The rush is my job, mom. I have work to do.
  • J mum: You’ve only just come home.
  • Jake: I’ve stayed shorter before. Remember last year when I came home for like, a day before heading over to Germany?
  • J mum: [pauses again, slightly concerned] it’s not healthy for you Jake
  • Jake: What isn’t? My job?
  • J mum: …Precisely.
  • [She comes over and closes the laptop lid before sitting on a chair next to him]
  • Jake: [slightly speechless, shaking head] I have to do my job, mom.
  • J mum: Why Jake?
  • Jake: … why? Because… coz it’s my work, it’s what I work for
  • J mum: [slightly reserved] you have more than enough money to last you ten lifetimes Jake… why don’t you just take a step back for a while?
  • Jake: .. what? Where did this come from? I – I can’t. I have an album to release and gigs to perform; I’d let a lot of fans down if I didn’t show up
  • J mum: But don’t you think they’d mind waiting for a little while?
  • Jake: [pushing away closed laptop and turning full-ways to see his mum] woah, woah, woah – wait a sec… what are you getting at, mom?
  • [J mum starts to tear up, she’s been slightly emotional all day]
  • J mum: I worry about you Jake…
  • Jake: How come? [takes her hand]
  • [J mum weakly smiles and dabs at her eyes with her sleeve]
  • J mum: … [psychiatrists name] says you’re not well Jake… you need to rest and let your new medication kick in
  • Jake: [feeling slightly sore] there’s nothing wrong with me mom
  • J mum: your bipolar, Jake; your bipolar. You’re on the highest level we can give you for medication right now, and if you don’t let it work you’ll get worse before you get better and I’ll be so frightened while you’re not here with me, or even close by
  • Jake: [takes a minute] I’ve been doing this job for years with my bipolar
  • J mum: exactly. And do you know the things you’ve been through that most people wouldn’t even have to go through, and at such a young age…
  • Jake:
  • J mum: You started drinking alcohol at 14 Jake; 14. For most teenagers, having a sneaky drink here and there was all part of growing up and being rebellious, but for you… you were so different…
  • I remember when your brother had his first sneaky swig of alcohol at 13 – two bottles of alchopops and he was flat out drunk! We weren’t impressed, but we knew that would be that for quite some time…
  • But with you Jake… you got into things far too fast and far too young.
  • Jake: Mom, I-
  • J mum: You turned to hard liqueur, whiskey, cans and cans of cider and beer – all washed down with champagne… places would GIVE you these things because of who you were and what your status was. I had absolutely no control and all I could do was ask – no – beg you, not to drink what you were given.
  • That was the only time you’ve ever let me down Jake… you continued drinking and I didn’t even get a say in the matter…
  • You have a poorly heart and unstable chemicals in your brain… you have no idea how much I worried about you, and I just feel like I could’ve done so much more
  • [she cries]
  • Jake: [taken aback, pulls forward and cuddles her into his shoulder]… I’m sorry mom… but you know; I don’t drink any more…
  • J mum: [looks past the fact, pulls away from the hug] and then drugs! Don’t even get me started! I remember your first after party when you were 14 years old
  • Jake: [under breath] …second…
  • J mum: you came home to me, told me that a girl – no – WOMAN there, offered you some white powder and then demonstrated how to throw up discretely if you’ve had too much to drink
  • Jake: Mom, she was drunk – I took no notice-
  • J mum: and where is she now Jake?
  • Jake: mom, I-
  • J mum: where is she now?
  • Jake: [looks at the floor] …she’s dead.
  • [J mum rubs her eyes, nodding]
  • J mum: I’m so worried your lifestyle is killing you Jake
  • Jake: [softly] she was unstable… half of the people there even told me to ignore anything she suggested
  • J mum: and then the other half told you it was good advice – remember?
  • Jake: …[says nothing]
  • Where is this coming from mom? What gives?
  • J mum: Well Jake, she was an unstable lady, and it’s a tragedy that she’s died so young. You have so much going on – your life is so hectic, and I worry that ‘live fast, die young’ may just be in the celebrity makeup
  • Jake: [looks confused]
  • J mum: [sniffs and wipes away more tears] When you’re a celebrity, you do a lot. You go on stage and perform, meet fans and stick on your persona, run around and do interviews, radios, and everyone you meet sticks your ego up on a gigantic flagpole and waves it around.
  • What happens after? You crash. You go to your hotel room, switch off all the lights and watch TV until you eventually fall asleep. Sometimes you Google yourself, get upset about something someone has said somewhere, and put yourself down. Your managers tell you what you need to say and do, what money needs to be met that quarter – how they’ll puppet you into doing what they need from you, and then just continue to put you away, like a child does a toy when they’re finished playing, and then they’ll take you back out of the box the next morning and show you off to everyone they meet
  • Jake: … a performing circus monkey is essentially my title if that’s what you’re getting at?
  • J mum: no – no jake, you’re missing my point [under breath] or, maybe it’s just me going off on a tangent – [directly] anyway, no, I digress
  • When you’re on stage, you buzz – you have a huge surge in adrenaline – that adrenaline is a naturally occurring drug. Everyone experiences it. But just… not as much as you do; nowhere near as much.
  • When you have that dramatic, consistent surge in chemicals, you change the way your brain functions… sometimes I wonder if your job began your bipolar… but then I remember to how you were as a child and if anything, all it did was exacerbate it…
  • You change your brain – with every adrenaline hit – you are taking another hit like a heroin user takes another dose. Of course, it doesn’t cause as much damage – no where near, but it can impact on you on such a strong level.
  • At the moment – take your desire to have sex.
  • [Jake looks sheepish at his mothers bluntness]
  • Do you know what that sets off? Dopamine. A very powerful naturally occurring drug. Just like adrenaline. That, mixed with oxytocin, the third powerfully impacting natural high which you get from making love to someone, is going to absolutely destroy you – I am almost certain of it
  • Celebrities generally turn to drugs, live fast die young, because the chemistry in their brains are permanently impacted by the change in their lifestyle ---you have bipolar jake, a disorder that already disrupts the normal pattern of mood
  • [she takes jakes hand, cries again]
  • I am absolutely terrified that if you don’t step back and let the medication settle, this will just get worse, and you’ll be seeking out things like alcohol and drugs to numb those influxes in mood and hormones
  • [a moment passes]
  • You’re already on the strongest dose we can give you jake – please, for your own sake, and for my own selfish anxiety, please step back and stay with me until you’re stable again
  • Jake: Mom… I feel fine
  • J mum: but you’re not jake, and you know you’re not – you already can’t sleep – you haven’t slept properly in almost a week – you know as well as I do that shows that things aren’t going well – it’s just one of those signs
  • And, to get that small rush, you’ve been taking abbey out, picking her up from school, and meeting her friends, just for that buzz – you talk online and cam your fans – it’s just constant jake!
  • Jake: It’s not like that! I love my job! I love making people happy – why does that have to revert to the fact that my bipolar is playing up?
  • J mum: BECAUSE jake, it’s been so long now I don’t even know WHO you are without your work!
  • Where’s my little boy that used to play games all day and wish he lived inside a video game - who thought girls were icky and feared the smallest of compliments?
  • Jake: I. Grew. Up mom! I’m not a little kid anymore
  • J mum: I’m not expecting you to be! I’m just concerned you’re far older than you should be from your life experience and the only thing that seems to keep you afloat is your constant desire to do nothing but indulge! Indulge in the attention, in the women, in the riches…
  • Jake: [tears up] I can’t even believe you’ve just said that! That you even think that about me!
  • J mum: BECAUSE I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU JAKE! Just – STOP – stop and take a break and get to know yourself before you take another hurdle and you’ll end up in hospital again for the umpteenth time! Through your heart giving in to too much stress and excitement or your depression landing you on a breaking news story! You’re already wired up to every tour that you do [heart monitor] and you’re only 21 for gods sake! You’ve always had a poorly heart, but don’t you think it’s time you gave it – and your chemically imbalanced brain – a chance to recover!? I’m scared I’ll lose you Jake – lose you far before your time – your managers and agents drive me up the fucking wall! You put up with that day in and day out and I just can’t take it any more
  • Jake: … I’ve just had Christmas off mom – my second Christmas in 6 years – I took a 6 month break after my last film – the most time off I’ve ever had… I can’t do any more than I already have
  • J mum: [shakes her head] [shrugs shoulders] Well then I don’t know what to say…
  • [ a minute passes]
  • Just remember Jake, that your stage-work, your one night stands – your performances - are all drug inducing, and you’ll keep chasing and chasing that buzz whatever it takes unless you stop – take a look at the people you’ve met and worked with over the years – and you think how many of them are either in a ditch or already buried within one.
  • Jake: [takes deep breath, holds his mums hand] I won’t be like that mom.
  • J mum: [quietly] how do you know?
  • Jake: Coz I’m your son… and you’ve raised me better than that…
  • [she pulls him into a cuddle and cries more]