players by the numbers

  • you: there arent any women in the owl or a lot of women in ranked t500 bc women cant play video games
  • me, an intellectual: there are no women in the owl bc none of their teams sought to hire women, and the reason there are fewer women t500 players is bc competitive video games are toxic and women not only have to perform well, but they also have to deal with sexism and harassment and the constant fear of under-performing. competitive video games are inherently hostile to women and if we make them less hostile, we will see the number of high elo women players increase dramatically.

anyways somebody should write a check please fic set during an olympic year with the understanding that nhl players aren’t currently able to play in the olympics, and have the entire story be told from a disgruntled sports reporter’s point of view and have it be about how a number of high profile nhl players like jack zimmermann and the majority of the falconers and probably kent parson too have all mysteriously fell ill/ have other important commitments that are keeping them from making it to games/practice, while they’re really just at the olympics with fake names and terrible disguises (like… jack’s disguise is a pair of glasses. tater’s is a fake mustache that keeps falling off. kent’s is a shirt that says ‘i’m definitely not kent parson’) but the reporter is literally the only one who sees through the terrible disguises and you know what? i just decided right now that bitty and jack don’t know each other in this fic, and that bitty is the reporter and this is how they meet and fall in love

But like, i can’t really be the only one that considers “The Fortuneteller“ the second (or third)* most anti-kataang episode of the show?

(*Number one is without a doubt “The Ember Island Players“, number two or three, depending on my mood is “The Southern Raiders”)

Like, it’s an episode that dedicates 22 minutes and 43 seconds of it’s 22 minute and 59 second run-time to showing the audience how Aang’s crush is jut that: a crush.

It isn’t even subtle about it:

Her name is Meng, which is phonetically nearly identical to Aang, AS THE SHOW ACTUALLY TAKES TIME TO POINT OUT TO YOU (“That rhymes with Meng!“) and she’s two years younger then the object of her affection.

THIS IS NOT A SUBTLE PARALLEL PEOPLE

Like, it all but rubs in our faces how it’s superficial:

(It even plays the same music.)

Then it has them using the same technique in an attempt to flirt:

Meng: “Hey, Aang. Don’t you think that cloud looks like a flower?”

Aang: “Hey, Katara, don’t you think that cloud look like a flower?”

And getting dismissed.

Then the object of their affections shows complete and utter disinterest:

(Because, they aren’t actually interested at all.)

And so on.

And then this happens:

Meng: “You don’t like me, do you?”
Aang: “Of course I like you.“
Meng: “But not the way I like you.”
Aang: “Oh, I guess not.”
Meng: “It’s okay. It’s just really hard when you like someone, but they don’t think of you that way.”

Aang: “I know what you mean.”
Meng: “She’s beautiful, by the way.”
Aang: “Huh?”
Meng: “That Water Tribe girl. I can see why you like her so much. She’s sweet, she’s a bender and her hair seems so manageable.”

Aang: “Don’t worry. You’re going to meet a great guy who’s going to completely fall for you. I know it.”

And it’s just… such a GOOD and PURE scene? and such a good message to send to children? “You don’t like me the way i like you and, while it’s hard for me, that’s okay.“ What a wonderful thing to put in a children’s cartoon! Especially considering that we live in a world where “first-love-is-forever” is the norm.

I thought that those 16 seconds where Katara actually seems to consider him in a romantic light were there just so that they could milk the will-they-won’t-they for all it’s worth. I thought that there was just no way anyone could spend all that time telling one story, sending one message only to completely disregard it in the end. (aaand looooooool @mini-me what a fool i was, chakra opening rock anyone?)

Like, honestly, the first time i watched this episode I was completely convinced that this scene was foreshadowing the ultimate resolution of Aang’s crush on Katara: Aang realising that it’s one-sided and displaying emotional maturity and self-awareness. And giving his blessing for Katara to pursue other people.

Instead, the poor boy regresses completely, forces a kiss on her and is then rewarded for it by the narrative.

Powers of Dishonored in D&D: Emily Kaldwin

It should come as no surprise to folks that know me personally that my favourite video game series is Dishonored, and since the player characters of that series have access to a number of eldritch powers, I thought they’d be something interesting to translate as spells for D&D.



Domino
3rd-level enchantment
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
Components: S
Duration: 1 minute
Choose two target creatures. Each of them must make a Wisdom saving throw, which they have disadvantage on if they are unaware of your presence. If both creatures fail the save, the two become linked. If a linked creature suffers any damage, is pushed or gains any conditions, all other creatures linked to it suffer the same effect.
   At higher levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 4th level or higher, you may link an additional target for each spell slot level above 3rd.



Doppelgänger
2nd-level illusion
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
Components: S
Duration: 5 rounds
You summon an illusionary duplicate of yourself at any point where you would normally be able to stand within range. The doppelgänger has tangible form, using your armour class and saving throws, with five hit points. The doppelgänger acts immediately after you in initiative order; you may control it with a bonus action, otherwise it will flee combat. If your doppelgänger is killed, it leaves a body which disappears once it is out of sight. If you are hidden from sight when casting this spell, enemies consider you dead if they kill your doppelgänger .

  At higher levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 3rd level or higher, your doppelgänger may make any melee attack you are capable of during its turn as an action. When cast at this level, the doppelgänger actively attacks enemies instead of fleeing combat as it normally would.



Far Reach
1st-level conjuration
Casting Time: 1 bonus action
Range: 30 feet
Components: S
Duration: Instantaneous

A mass of tendrils stretch from your hand to any unoccupied space on a surface within range, then pull you directly to that location. If the location is not a flat surface, but one that you can climb onto, you immediately climb onto it. If you cannot climb onto the surface, you overshoot it and land 5 feet away from the chosen location, in the direction that you travelled.
  At higher levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 2nd level, you may use your far reach to instantaneously pull an object into your hands.
  When you cast this spell at 3rd level or higher, you may target a creature within range. That creature must succeed on a Strength saving throw, or be pulled directly to you, landing prone in the nearest unoccupied space between you and the target’s original location. 




Mesmerize

2nd-level enchantment
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
Components: S
Duration: 3 rounds
You summon a spirit from the void to enthral your enemies. Summon the spirit at a point within range. Creatures within 20 feet of the spirit must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or be charmed and incapacitated, and must spend their turn staring at the spirit. At the end of a Creature’s turn, it may attempt the save again.



Shadow Walk
4th-level transmutation
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
Components: S
Duration: 3 rounds
 
For the duration, you, along with everything you are wearing and carrying, take on a smoky, shadow form. When you make an attack, or are reduced to 0 hit points in shadow form, the spell ends. While in the shadow form, you have the following benefits:

  • You have advantage on Stealth rolls when in dim light, and cannot be detected in complete darkness.
  • You may only make unarmed strikes, which deal 3d8 necrotic damage, instead of their normal damage, when in shadow form, plus your spellcasting ability modifier.
  • When attacking an unaware target, your unarmed strikes deal double damage.

At higher levels. When you cast this spell using a spell slot of 5th level or higher, you may make one additional melee attack before the spell ends for each spell slot level above 4th.


Far Reach and Shadow Walk were worked based on existing spells, namely Misty Step as the basis for Far Reach, with modifications for range, momentum and higher level abilities, and Gaseous Form for Shadow Walk, which I used as a guide on the caster’s form changing. Domino was developed with some inspiration from the Trickery Cleric’s Invoke Duplicity ability; Domino and Mesmerize were developed from scratch, with levels that I felt were most appropriate for them. All of the spells with a duration used as close to the durations of those spells in the game as is possible with the D&D system using turns instead of specifying by seconds.

This is going to be the first in a series of posts relating to Dishonored, and while more MTG homebrew will be back next week, expect other Dishonored posts in the near future, and not only spells! I have some interesting things planned that I’m very much looking forward to putting together.

Escape Room: Day Nine

-A young girl eagerly asked her father if she could give us a tip. She gets it. Her father then replied, “Sure, here’s the tip: brush your teeth.” He most certainly does not get it.

-A three year-old was desperate to help sort through a stack of photos in her game. Once she was able to get a hold of one, she decided to help her family out by throwing it atop a gingerbread house, entirely out of sight, with no one being any the wiser. She cackled, satisfied with her work, regarding her accomplishment with a pride that could only be rivaled by that which I held for her.

-Save for a single one-hour gap, every slot for each of our rooms has been fully booked tonight. If my understanding of the law of large numbers is accurate, one player tonight will be an ex-US president, one will leave a tip in the form of paying off my college debt, and one will not make it out of their game alive. Now, we just wait and see.

-Our owner demonstrated to us how a lock worked, using his finger and thumb on one hand to make a circle representing the lock and his finger on the other hand to represent the latch. He then demonstrated how the latch enters into the lock vigorously, entirely unaware of himself and the concerning gesture he was showing to all of his employees.

-The trend of children performing far superior to the adults in their group continues and continues to thrill me.

-As per my suggestion, we have recently placed a picture of a vampire outside of the window in our vampire room, giving a nice scare to those who disregard the “do not touch” sign and open the hatch. Nothing is more thrilling in my work day than the screams that follow breaking the rules.

-A pair came up to pay for their game. I asked if they would be paying together or separately. The man said together. The woman said separately. As the woman handed me her card, the man visibly deflated and whispered, “I guess this ISN’T a date then.” I soon found out they were in a long-term relationship, so I can only hope he grows used to this soon.

In a previous post, I’ve discussed old-school Dungeons & Dragons’ penchant for monsters that impersonate stuff - from treasure chests to statues to miscellaneous bits of architecture - but this time I’d like to talk about one that’s near and dear to my heart: the gelatinous cube.

For those just joining us, the gelatinous cube is a large, amoeba-like creature, about ten feet across, with two distinguishing traits:

1. It’s almost perfectly transparent; and

2. It’s shaped like a cube.

The gelatinous cube is dangerous, but not particularly proactive; its usual mode of operation is to trundle about doing its thing, waiting for random wildlife - or random adventurers - to blow their Perception checks and walk straight into it. In this sense, it’s basically an invisible trap; it’s not 100% clear why it should fit into the category of “monsters that impersonate stuff”.

Unless you have context.

Y’see, old-school D&D recommends a number of constraints on dungeon layout that aren’t as important in more recent iterations of the game. There are a number of reasons for this; for example, players are expected to draw their own dungeon maps based on the GM’s verbal descriptions, and many spells and effects - the classic version of fireball is well known here - have areas of effect that are calculated based on three-dimensional volume rather than square footage or simple radius.

In order to make all that easier to handle, it’s conventional for old-school dungeons to be built out of ten-foot cubes. A standard corridor is ten feet wide and ten feet high; a chamber is a rectangular box whose side lengths are expressed in multiples of ten; and so forth. In this way, you can quickly and accurate sketch dungeon maps and areas of effect and such on standard grid paper, with each square representing a ten-foot-by-ten-foot area.

At this point it should be noted that the gelatinous cube is also a ten-foot cube.

Yep: the gelatinous cube is a monster that impersonates a map square.

  • more than survive: cool opening number yass starring high school sterotypes
  • i love play rehearsal: hot girl isn't so hot when you squint
  • the squip song: gets louder applause than the opening number
  • two-player game: two bros,,, chillin in a bedroom,,,, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
  • the squip enters: dangit
  • be more chill part 1: so we're not supposed to like him, right?
  • do you want a ride?: help help help we're in high school help help help
  • be more chill part 2: u suck
  • more than survive (reprise): stop being a teenage boy, jeremy
  • a guy that i'd kinda be into: we know who she's talking about, cmon, there's another act
  • upgrade: p0Or MicHaEL :((//(( WweHWHEHG
  • halloween: yo this is the showstopping number of this act
  • do you wanna hang?: help help help we're in high school help help help part 2
  • michael in the bathroom: hAH, U THOUGHT THE APPLAUSE FOR THE SQUIP SONG WAS LOUD, WELL THIS BINCH GETS A STANDING OVATION WHOO
  • the smartphone hour (rich set a fire): ok i lied this is the show stopping number whoops
  • the pitiful children: don't show this to the six five nights at freddy's fans that still exist and lurk in the corners of the internet, they'll rip it apart, spit on it and throw it off a cliff
  • the pants song: actually a rlly good song nice job mr heere ft michael
  • the play: climax starring miChAEL MAKES AN ENTRAAAANCE
  • voices in my head: wait it's over?? whAT NO GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK I WANNA SEE IT AGAIN WAIT WAIT WAIT
HAMILTON COLLEGE AU HEADCANONS: PART 1

Alexander Hamilton

-Major in law 

-is on team no sleep

-gets in a lot of fights

-bi-curious bean

-confused on who he loves more John,Thomas, or Eliza

-Always gets advice from Peggy but never listens to her.

-Hangs out with Burr to go chick hunting

-Hairstyle:ponytail, short hair (aka the current hairstyle of lin)

-Wears glasses occasionally

-Hoodies,Baggy pants,converse is his go-to outfit

-Is a part of the school newspaper

-Classic music is his thing.

-Junior

-new kid


John Laurens

-Has a pet turtle 

-room mates with Alexander,Lafayette, and Hercules

-Has a small crush on Peggy

-Totally crushing on Alex 

-Football player, jersey number 12

-Shirts with collars and shorts are his thing.

-Junior

-listens to reggae


Lafayette

-The exchange student

-Part of the french club 

-Spits hot bars every night at the underground club in their campus 

-Sophomore 

-Football player,jersey number 05

-Has the flag of france hanged on their dorm

-Dresses elegantly 

-Starbucks is his bestfriend

-drinks heavily 

-picky eater


Hercules Mulligan

-The gentle jock

-Junior

-the one who runs around the field when their school wins a game 

-Wears beanies or bandanas

-is a fan of the incredible hulk

-weightlifting is his thing

-always says the word “BRAH”

-Heavy drinkers with Lafayette and John Laurens

-In the stalker squad with Peggy and Angelica (occasionally Eliza joins in)


Aaron Burr

-the student who is the welcoming committee 

-Frenemies with Alexander

-calls Alexander “lex” or “zooANDER”

-All around advice giver 

-does everything for his family

-devoted 

-chickhunter

-reliable with the LADIES


Angelica Schuyler

-Senior 

-That feminist 

-Rich bish 1

-Close friends with Lafayette (Best Fashion Friends!)

-The mom friend

-In the stalker squad

-Listens to girl artists or bands with female fronted vocals

-Crop tops are her thing 

-Roast queen

-Has a pink lamborghini 

-Known as the queen B of the campus

- Sorority Leader


Eliza Schuyler

-Junior

-Wears that longsleeve shirt underneath that vest sweater  and wears those shoes with those leggings. (cue Angelica cringing) 

-that hot nerd 

-Rich bish 2

-cinnamon roll

-met Alexander in the football field

-a raging homosexual when drunk

-has a blue lamborghini 

-Listens to mainstream rappers(like drake and the weeknd) and K-pop (No one even knows)

-More on western music.

-Doesn’t swear but passive aggressive af

-Burns ex’s letters.


Peggy Schuyler

-Sophomore 

-Has terrible fashion sense 

-no one knows her except for Burr and Laurens 

-Rich Bish 3

-Meme lover 

-Course related to Music

-goes by the name DJ PegLeg

-A literal sunshine 

-Gives good advice to Alexander

-HAS A HUGE CRUSH ON LAURENS 

Madness of the Wendigo: A spooky encounter I’m planning for Halloween

This encounter takes place over the course of several nights, and suddenly ends if the beast isn’t killed. You may combine the events of different nights together if time permits, and replace the orcs with whatever neutral faction might better fit into your campaign. Populate the game with other events and introduce wendigo encounters when you feel the players are at ease, as long as it’s nighttime.

Feedback and commentary welcome! What game are you planning for Halloween? 

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The best worst bits of Ready Player One

All quotes are taken from the Nook e-book of Ready Player One, and are marked with page numbers as such. Notes/citations have been bolded. The passage going around about hydrogen has been omitted, as I honestly could not bring myself to type it out.

“I am special for liking old games”

“These games were outdated digital dinosaurs that had become museum pieces long before I was born. But I was a gunter, so I didn’t think of them as quaint low-res antiques. To me, they were hallowed artifacts. Pillars of the pantheon. When I played the classics, I did so with a determined sort of reverence.” (Page 20)

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