player: evgeni malkin

not only do i want the penguins NOT to visit the white house this year, i also want them to give the most thinly veiled excuses possible when asked. like oh, sorry we can’t be at the white house… sidney’s got a cold… tanger is washing his hair that day… geno just forgot how to speak english… not that we’d expect his russian to be too much trouble for the current white house staff, but all the same, 

Next time there’s a lockout because Bettman et al. have decided to throw another tantrum, I hope the NHLPA just sort of goes “well alrighty” and sets out to prove that the NHL needs the players more than the players need the NHL

What I mean is that they hire a few camera people and do things like:

  • Trying to play Sports That Are Not Hockey on ice. Personally I think Auston Matthews would be very entertaining at ice baseball
  • Buying a literal punch bowl and calling it the “Steve Cup” or something
  • Short reality-TV episodes following the lives of Tyler Seguin’s dogs
  • Roller hockey
  • Underwater hockey
  • Players launching a public health campaign about the importance of dental care
  • A Hockey with the Stars type show where they try to make hockey teams with celebrities who do not know how to skate
  • Going to the Olympics
  • Lots of PK Subban style charity stuff. In fact, just lots of PK Subban. He doesn’t need hockey to have fans
  • Helping out with other union disputes. Just. News articles about fast-food worker strikes in Pittsburgh and there’s Evgeni Malkin and Marc-Andre Fleury holding up signs
  • Zdeno Chara could get a job retrieving things off high shelves or something
  • Disney on Ice
3

One of my local newspapers got a little creative with celebrating the Pens Stanley Cup win and I’m so in love with it! It’s like a movie poster (feat. the Two Headed Monster) and where they have the production credits on the bottom of poster they WENT OFF, they start off with our fearless director Coach Sully and then they go on listing each player (with their position and playoff points broken down); each team they defeated (how many games were played in each round), and their regular season standings. I’m holding onto this forever. It’s a gem. <3