planet's hell

yo i love those posts about how aliens view humans or the ones about how humans are scary space orcs so here’s one

imagine if we found aliens but they just? have absolutely no sense of collectivism nor groupthink/mob mentality. they are a race of total individuals, there isn’t anything like “collaboration,” warfare is guerrilla strikes of individuals or small bands, there’s no real government because acting as a unit just ISN’T A THING.

so when humans visit this planet they freak the hell out because how are they so organized? why do they stick together? how do they get so much DONE

and the absolute scariest, most incredible thing about human culture to them is not war or our inventions or culture nor our incredible physiology. no.

it’s fuckin marching bands.

a HUNDRED people all dressed in the SAME OUTFIT, marching in time to a single beat, organized in a grid, playing musical instruments in a certain time measure so that all the instruments work together to form a cohesive whole song, and sometimes they all YELL at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME…

this scares the absolute shit out of the whole race and NOBODY CAN HANDLE IT

anonymous asked:

Imagine aliens reaction to a human literally laughing in the face of danger. Just, GIANT SPACE MONSTER THING and all the human does is laugh while it loads its rifle. Band of space pirates and one is asking for the human as a bride because of reasons, "pfft, no."

Yussep had faced many dangers. The Falls of Chaos, the race of creatures known only as Devourers. Each time he had barely escaped with his life. But nothing–NOTHING– scared him more than humans. Yussep and Mari had been travelling together on this hell planet for almost two years, long after his species invasion had ended. Poorly. The earth had all but destroyed their entire fleet, so they’d retreated, leaving Yussep alone. Mari had always been scary, but this…. now she was downright terrifying.

She had faced a Many Faced Night Crawler, from a planet no ship could get near. The Night Crawlers were the ultimate killing machines. Fast, strong, AND smart. The ultimate combo. So when a legion had landed on Earth, Yussep prepared to say goodbye to his new home. He and Mari had been passing by chance when the fleet had landed. He’d tried to warn her, tried to drag her away. Over their time together he had grown bonded with her. But Mari wrenched her arm from his grasp. When she spoke it was little more than a feral growl.

“They picked the wrong planet. I am done with these damn aliens always invading my damn planet. ” she stormed towards the fleet, looking impossibly tiny agaisnt their war ships, her dark skin barely registering againt the midnight black hull. Yussep quietly mourned his friend as he followed behind, his brain screaming at him to run, to do the logical thing as he always had. But compared to the night crawlers, Mari was a kitten.

And she had just walked into a wolf pack.

He couldnt leave her. Not now. He would die by her side. Together to the end, just like he promised. He winced as the mighty black doors opened with a hiss. But Mari planted herself in front of them, hands on her hips, staring up defiantly as the first night crawler set foot on the Earth.

He’s never seen one so close. They were huge. Towering nearly 12 feet above Mari, their skin was living shadow. Not just dark, as he had been lead to believe. These creatures were MADE of shadows, swirling together, whispering, stretching out in dangerous vines. Blood red eyes glowed like xarax engines. Dear stars. They would not survive this. Not even Mari. The beast lowered its head, taking in Mari’s stubborn form. She lifted her head, taking a deep breath as she shouted,

“FUCK OFF, THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY WARNING!!” The beast cocked its head, its face splitting apart to reveal rows of jagged teeth, razor sharp, perfect for shredding soft flesh. They were so, sooo dead. Mari took one look at those teeth…and laughed. She threw her head back and howled into the sky.

“ it’s like a frickin cheese grater!”

Mari switched from terrifying, to horrifying.

Without another word, still laughing, Mari launched herself towards the beasts lowered head. She grasped it firmly by its hearing appendeges, drawing her knife from her side.

“Ha! Too late for you, pal,” she raked her blade across its exposed throat in one smooth movement, fury blazing in her eyes. The beast fell and melted into shadows that sunk into the ground. Mari turned and bared her teeth at the fleet. Yussep could only watch as Mari raised her arms in triumph, in challenge.

And the undefeatable Night crawler fleet promptly took to the skies, fleeing as quickly as they dared. Mari watched them go before turning to Yussep with blood splattered on her face and a wicked gleam in her eye.

“Seems they were smarter than you idiots,”

Yussep couldnt agree more.

How Every "My Cat From Hell" episode works:
  • People: My cat doesn't know how to cat.
  • Jackson Galaxy: No, YOU don't know how to cat.
  • People: if cat doesn't cat, cat has to go.
  • Jackson Galaxy: Do the thing and your cat will cat.
  • People: *doesn't do the thing*
  • People: Cat still won't cat
  • Jackson Galaxy: DO THE THING
  • People: *does the thing*
  • People: My cat is catting!
  • Jackson Galaxy: dumbasses.

Ovens. OVENS.

Human-Alec asks one time after picking up some human eat-things on their mer planet. Most of the Jurack question why the human needs an “oven”. The human specialist pipes up that’s it’s a thing humans made to control fire. The Jurack begin to freak out because why would we bring something like that on our ship? Jesus. Human-Alec calms them down that it isn’t just a thing for fire. It helps heat up food that they wouldn’t normally eat otherwise and says they can check it out on the next Earth visit.

Later, they get to earth and Human-Alec leads a few of the bravest and the human specialist to her house, asking Human-Alec’s maternal birth human if they can use the oven.
Human-Alec presses a bunch of buttons and they wait for a little bit as the oven “preheats” as Human-Alec puts it. The oven goes ding and a couple of the Jurack freak out a little bit, cause this is a hell planet, I’d that a sign of death? Then. Human-Alec opens the door of the oven and puts their hand a little above it in the opening. Furaadl places their 8th hand-thing where Human-Alec’s is and promptly recoils cause it is hot! Human-Alec then laughs and says “It isn’t even that hot, it would barely defrost a turkey.”
Holy sidyr.

This just makes them slightly more terrified of Human-Alec, but they comply with her wishes and get her an oven for the ship, but make sure to steer clear of the big, clunky, heat controller object.

no one asked about my soulmate au but you’re gonna get it

  • so you can pry demi shiro from my cold dead hands
  • meaning the names (yes NAMES) on his body are smudged and faint
  • he hasnt met these people, he hasnt formed a connection, but he could
  • meanwhile matt’s soulmark (just the one) is under his collarbone, easy to hide with a casual t-shirt
  • the problem is he cant read it. his soulmate has horrible handwriting
  • and allura is in a cryopod, so she cant spend much time thinking about the strange scrawl on her hip
  • shiro and matt meet at the garrison and they just click together
  • slowly, the mark under shiros collar bone starts to darken and take shape
  • and its two years after they meet that shiro looks in the mirror and realizes holy crap not only is that matt’s name but its his HANDWRITING
  • he rushes to find matt and they happy hug because they’re soulmates!!
  • but shiro decides to just tell him now
  • “i have another name.”
  • he shows matt the indistinct grey blur on his right hip, and matt shrugs
  • “as long as you don’t leave me entirely, and we all communicate with each other, we can make this work”
  • shiro’s like “but you only have the one mark”
  • matt laughs and says “the universe must have decided we wouldn’t match”
  • bc matt is hella gay. he understands why he only has the one mark when shiro later introduces him to allura. he laughs and they get along great, the bestest of platonic buds
  • so matt and shiro go on the kerberos mission (imagine going to see a moon with your soulmate!) 
  • and the galra get them
  • and they get separated and shiro is back on earth and now that he knows what having matt by him at all sides is like hes not ready to give it up
  • so hell yah he gets in that weird lion thing and hell yah he flies to that alien planet and hell yah he helps that princess (who’s really pretty and why is his hip tingling every time he speaks to her?)
  • and allura is kind and smart and strong and resourceful and beautiful and powerful and sweet and wow shiro realizes shes pretty amazing
  • and then he looks in the mirror and her name is on his hip in bold black, in a pretty cursive, as dark and as valid as matts name
  • when he tells her she looks at him with wide eyes
  • “you have awful handwriting”
  • seriously shiros poor soulmates no one can read his handwriting
  • allura understands shiro has two soulmates (“it happened all the time on altea!”) but she only has one and matt only has one and honestly its fine
  • she helps him get matt back and shiro may cry a little when they rescue him
  • “matt, this is allura, my soulmate. allura, this is matt, my soulmate”
  • he introduces them to people like that a lot
  • so basically the rest of this au is fluffy nerds being nerds
  • matt/shiro/allura is Good and Awesome they are the dorkiest adults in the world
  • coran officiates the wedding
  • they are the space parents
  • poly space parents
  • some other Thoughts:
  • allura teaching them both Altean
  • Poly!! Parents!! Getting!! Kittens!!
  • allura and matt stage an intervention. shiro really does have awful handwriting. 

I understand the grumpy vampire trope bc they can’t eat garlic bread and like imagine having to exist on this hell planet for all of eternity and not being able to turn to garlic bread in times of emotional despair?? binch I would be grumpy too!!