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I Am Going To Recap “Bachelor In Paradise” Because I Hate Myself & Romance Is A Lie: The Lineup

I am an intelligent, independent, mostly level-headed feminist woman; therefore I am tempted* to feel deep shame at the fact that the three things that somehow make me crave a relationship most are a. late ‘90s-early ‘00s romantic comedies (usually starring Kate Hudson and/or Freddie Prinze Jr.) b. male-sung country songs about women (tender; non-misogynistic) and c. The Bachelor.

*tempted, but don’t because shame is LAME. Own your Freddie-Prinze-Jr-truth.

For those who haven’t figured it out yet, The Bachelor is COMPLETELY fake. There are numerous articles on the internet from former contestants, producers, and even, now, a scripted sitcom detailing the manipulation that goes into making a dating show - lock a bunch of attractive, unstable people in a house together, deprive them of media, sleep, and human contact, feed them a bunch of alcohol, throw them in a hot tub. For SURE the recipe for finding a soulmate in six weeks (HAS ANYONE EVER FOUND A SOUL MATE IN SIX WEEKS?!) But I am so obsessed. I can’t look away. They’re all so pretty and dumb. And around the fifth cheesy first kiss at sunset at a surprise private concert of an F-list, ABC-affiliated recording artist I start thinking that maybe searching for real love is overrated. Can I really know my soulmate without Hootie & The Blowfish magically appearing at the end of a pier to serenade me? I THINK NOT.

Thankfully, it would seem the trainwreck they call “Bachelor in Paradise” is about to strip any of the remaining veneer off that soulmate facade, and I for one am thrilled. As I understand it, “Bachelor in Paradise” takes all the former F-list rejects of the E-list garbage people previously named Bachelor/ette and throws them on an island to fuck away their sadness. I can’t imagine they are even pretending there is romance involved, nor do I think they could when I am assuming half of the “dates” involve twelve people making out in one for sure STD-infested jacuzzi, but I am POSITIVE at least 3 women will still say they are “honestly here to find their soulmate”. I just feel like a nineteen year old Floridian sorority girl has a better chance at locking down husband material on a Carnival Cruise than a bunch of 24 year old dance instructors do on a TV show.

Needless to say, I can’t wait to dive in. Disclaimer: I have zero idea how “Bachelor in Paradise” works in practice; I also know next to nothing about any of the “contestants”. I looked up their pictures & ages and I saw maybe 5 total minutes of 3 people in the Bachelor/ette episodes I tried to tell myself I was hate-watching multiple seasons ago, but if they weren’t even memorable enough to date the loser who had to know them in person, I certainly don’t remember a thing pink-wine-drunk on my couch. Therefore, the upcoming bios are 100% made up, and still an estimated 84% completely fucking accurate.

The Girls

Jillian, 25

You just KNOW this bitch is obsessed with CrossFit & quotes wrongfully attributed to Audrey Hepburn.

  • Occupation: Dog Groomer
  • Relationship Faux Pas: Beating boyfriends at arm wrestling
  • Starbucks Order: Grande nonfat PSL, half syrup, extra whip
  • Favorite Book: Dear John

Ashley S., 25

CRAZY. EYES. Please imagine waking up to those eyes watching you sleep and don’t even pretend you wouldn’t be CONVINCED she was planning on the most comfortable way to wear your skin as a parka.

  • Occupation: Yoga Instructor
  • Relationship Faux Pas: Aggressive overuse of baby voice
  • Celebrity Crush: Tom Cruise
  • Favorite Movie: Antz

Juelia, 30

The spelling of her name is almost as unforgivable as her lipstick color, or the fact that she’s doing “The Bachelor” again when she is clearly a single mom who should be home taking care of her toddler son, Huntyr.

  • Occupation: Hairdresser
  • Relationship Faux Pas: Pretending her boobs are real
  • Hogwarts House: Jk, obviously a Squib
  • Favorite Food: Froyo 

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