Walking out in the nighttime springtime, needling my way home. I saw Leah on the bus a few months ago. I saw some old friends at her funeral. My steps keep splitting my grief through these solipsistic moods. I should call my parents when I think of them, I should tell my friends when I love them. Maybe I shoulda gone out a bit more when you guys were still in town. I got too caught up in my own shit, that’s how every outcome’s such a comedown.
I was back for the first time in Dahilayan since December last year. I saw your face in my mind when I stood in my hotel room balcony. The air was cold and the Pine trees were beautiful, but it killed me to see you nowhere near.
Music started playing in my mind like in an ending of a fast, sad movie. It’s a quarter after midnight in my room, and I wish it was still brunch when there’s still more time to say sorry. More time to think about what you really want to say. To think about what you want to do.
But, of course, you do what you want, simply because I am not what you wanted. And, of course, you went away with a great, little story about how a ‘mess’ of a dreamer you are. Of course, people adored you in like a day. But days passed, and it felt like I didn’t care anymore.
It’s sad not to hear you call me up at 2 am with your silly remarks on why I should stop drinking coffee. And it’s sad to think that no one’s ever going to sing to me Daniel Powter songs out of key again. But even though you will stop singing those songs, I will still play air guitar for you when you want me to.
But it’s not December yet. I’m still breathing November air in my hotel room balcony. It doesn’t hurt so much. I just wanted to write this, because I needed to feel something. And it took me a trip back to Dahilayan to realize that it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. 2 am thoughts do not hurt so much anymore. You know what hurts? The precious seconds in the morning when you have just woken up. For a moment, you forget all your concerns, heartaches, and all that shit. But then it hits you once again. You lay in bed, and you remember all the reasons why you never wanted to wake up.
And so I took a walk in the forest, and I found a spot where there’s a good sight of the magnanimous Pine trees standing tall and firm. The air was cold, and the Pine trees were beautiful just like in the balcony. Now that I was sitting there, I came into a realization that I will never be, in any way, cold as November air.