pinchyou

a loss of eloquence

a loss

a loss of?

“eloquence”

well… there it is

what?

your loss

my loss?

the loss you’ve been looking for

I’ve not been looking for a loss

you’ve been looking for something to be found

well—they’ve found it

were “they” impressed

“impressed?”

impressed. with your “loss.”

their “finding” wasn’t mine

but that was the “finding?”
it’s very—you
not cancer
or schizophrenia
or lupus
or churg-strauss syndrome
just: “loss of eloquence”
how very, very you

what do you mean?

you clearly made an “impression”

it’s their “impression”
that i’m inflamed
that i’ve vessels
bursting up

was that in their “findings”

no, just their “impressions”—but everyone’s come to this “impression,” not just them

but where are the “findings”

they found my “loss”

so they won’t have to look anymore?

no

no?

that can’t be all—

but it’s more than you could’ve wanted

“wanted?”

wanted wanted
they’ve confirmed your wanting
you wanted clarity
they’ve given it to you
albeit in-absentia
all the clarity of fog
a sunrise swim on the sound in New London
this
this new
clarity
it’s writ in cursive
curlicues
so elegantly
eloquently
if you’ve “lost your eloquence”
you’ve found it in their “finding;”
you can’t go looking for your loss anymore

but I can’t lose my “eloquence”
I’d rather lose my hair

but you have

what?

lost it

not necessarily

that’s what they “found”

what good is a “finding” without a “diagnosis?”

what good is an “impression” without a “finding?”

what’s good is that it’s now the prevailing “impression”

what’s good in a “finding” of: “loss of eloquence?”
do you compensate by toting around the thesaurus?
does it mean you’re just dumb?
or does it mean you’re nothing but normal?
which is why you want to use it to make more with,
to find faults further—
frailties and fractures and forme fruste—
because your “diagnosis” names “normalcy” itself.
so you wish for it—
your current state versus the grace from which you believe you’ve fallen—
to be a sign of the “abnormal”

better it the signifier than I

“loss of eloquence” is subjective

no

it’s a reflexive symptom, as well
it is you
it becomes you,
though it is a “symptom”
“It” “is” what you’ve become

become?

ineloquent

no

but that’s what they’ve found

I’ve crackles and my voice gets high-pitched and my neck pops and my lips mottle and my nose bleeds and my wrists swell and my tonsils pinch

you don’t have tonsils

my adenoidal tissue

but you don’t

what?

cough

yes, I

not as much anymore

it’s been coming back

but ineloquent

yes

I’d noticed

had you?

yes. it’s not untrue

no

what’s to become of you?

they’ll make me better

they will?

they will

how?

therapies

talk?

immunosuppressants

so it’s not an impairment secondary to (and co-morbid) with your disordered moods

the magnitude of my loss is apparently
“beyond the scope” of those “symptoms”
(subtle though it may be.)
even though it may be similar, all of it
it’s all “dysfunction”
not clinically
but
to me

so you’ve forgotten, what—
words, have you?

yes i have

which ones?

all the ones i’d use to get myself out of this mess
all the ones i’d use to talk myself up
all the ones i’d use to talk with you
i can’t talk to such people anymore
i lack a noble tongue
damn i’m ineloquent

how did they “know” you’d “lost” “it?”

i don’t know
i’ve lost blood; they checked my hematocrit
i’ve lost consciousness; they’ve transfused me with blood
i’ve lost my—i don’t know
he asked me questions
he asked me for words
and i didn’t have the answers to give him
or i had them
but not then
not for him

do you have them now?

do i come off as “eloquent” to you?

so, you wish to be—what?

want to be wordy

why?

to talk

with whom?

potential lovers

and?

psychoanalysts. i don’t want to have to gesticulate to tell the stories of my dreams.

have you had any dreams?

not that i remember. and you?

not that i can forget. so. it’s been found. the loss.

my loss

so. what to do?

revisit in six months
re-challenge medications (that were never really a challenge)
purchase thesaurus
keep lists of words for potential use
mark those that i love with a star on the webster’s app
party-words
and writing-words with which to write
words to describe the isolation i feel:
the synonyms for a growing impasse
this constant lapse

but it’s so synonymous with “melancholy,” no? and “mourning”

no that’s not their “impression.” they’ve teased it out. it’s “global.”

what’s “global?”

my “loss.”

your “loss” is “global?”

i’m not being grandiose. i’m being clinical. that’s their jargon i’m employing. i’m not waxing grandiloquent.

you can’t

no?

no

why not?

you’re ineloquent

hah.
“global” being “me”
“multiple domains”
mapped to be terrain
they’re mapping me
“left hemisphere currently more affected than right”
that’s me
and it’s my thinking
and my thoughts,
and my thinking is:
what does this mean?
what are your thoughts?

what use is “eloquence?”

as a “finding,” it can be of “use”

as a “loss”

as my “loss”
if i’m going to lose,
then it better mean something
to someone objectively
it better mean:
hope
it better be a “yield”

a “yield” of “loss”

an impressive “yield”

a “yield” of “impressions”
impressions are illogical
they are unreal
face-casts of the just-dead
are you dead?

no

do you want to be?

i want to make an impression

so you aren’t dead

not yet

is your “eloquence?”

i’m sick

with what?

a “loss of eloquence”
“inflammation”
i don’t know
now you’re sending me into a “hysteria”

well, how do you expect to work, if you’re “ineloquent?”

i don’t.

but you must; even the ineloquent labor.

ineloquently

but you’ve no choice

i can’t be seen like this

better something than gone

better “gone” than a “loss”

can they give it back

maybe

how?

chemotherapy

to return “eloquence?” you would suffer so for that.

the “eloquence” isn’t all gone already; —is a “symptom”

a “symptom” of what

i don’t know ask them

it’s a “symptom” of you

my wheals are “symptoms”

of what?

i have “apthous ulcerations” of my “oral mucosa”
“angiodysplastic lesions” in my “small intestine”
“telangiectasia” in my “mid pons”
“hypodensities”
“nodules” and “polyps”
“findings”
“loss of hearing”
“idiopathic” catastrophes
pain with no meaning
loss with no recovery
i have no plan for recovery
i cannot put a plan together properly
let alone respond to this “finding” effectively
let alone communicate with these “eloquent” people, these doctors—them

but if you were “eloquent”

i’d be: functional
i’d be: found
instead of: what i lost, manifesting
i’d know how to talk myself out of this state of inertia
i cannot submit to a quietus
i will not be inured to this, this, this—

“this” what?

this loss of eloquence.