a loss of eloquence
a loss of?
well… there it is
the loss you’ve been looking for
I’ve not been looking for a loss
you’ve been looking for something to be found
well—they’ve found it
were “they” impressed
impressed. with your “loss.”
their “finding” wasn’t mine
but that was the “finding?”
or churg-strauss syndrome
just: “loss of eloquence”
how very, very you
what do you mean?
you clearly made an “impression”
it’s their “impression”
that i’m inflamed
that i’ve vessels
was that in their “findings”
no, just their “impressions”—but everyone’s come to this “impression,” not just them
but where are the “findings”
they found my “loss”
so they won’t have to look anymore?
that can’t be all—
but it’s more than you could’ve wanted
they’ve confirmed your wanting
you wanted clarity
they’ve given it to you
all the clarity of fog
a sunrise swim on the sound in New London
it’s writ in cursive
if you’ve “lost your eloquence”
you’ve found it in their “finding;”
you can’t go looking for your loss anymore
but I can’t lose my “eloquence”
I’d rather lose my hair
but you have
that’s what they “found”
what good is a “finding” without a “diagnosis?”
what good is an “impression” without a “finding?”
what’s good is that it’s now the prevailing “impression”
what’s good in a “finding” of: “loss of eloquence?”
do you compensate by toting around the thesaurus?
does it mean you’re just dumb?
or does it mean you’re nothing but normal?
which is why you want to use it to make more with,
to find faults further—
frailties and fractures and forme fruste—
because your “diagnosis” names “normalcy” itself.
so you wish for it—
your current state versus the grace from which you believe you’ve fallen—
to be a sign of the “abnormal”
better it the signifier than I
“loss of eloquence” is subjective
it’s a reflexive symptom, as well
it is you
it becomes you,
though it is a “symptom”
“It” “is” what you’ve become
but that’s what they’ve found
I’ve crackles and my voice gets high-pitched and my neck pops and my lips mottle and my nose bleeds and my wrists swell and my tonsils pinch
you don’t have tonsils
my adenoidal tissue
but you don’t
not as much anymore
it’s been coming back
yes. it’s not untrue
what’s to become of you?
they’ll make me better
so it’s not an impairment secondary to (and co-morbid) with your disordered moods
the magnitude of my loss is apparently
“beyond the scope” of those “symptoms”
(subtle though it may be.)
even though it may be similar, all of it
it’s all “dysfunction”
so you’ve forgotten, what—
words, have you?
yes i have
all the ones i’d use to get myself out of this mess
all the ones i’d use to talk myself up
all the ones i’d use to talk with you
i can’t talk to such people anymore
i lack a noble tongue
damn i’m ineloquent
how did they “know” you’d “lost” “it?”
i don’t know
i’ve lost blood; they checked my hematocrit
i’ve lost consciousness; they’ve transfused me with blood
i’ve lost my—i don’t know
he asked me questions
he asked me for words
and i didn’t have the answers to give him
or i had them
but not then
not for him
do you have them now?
do i come off as “eloquent” to you?
so, you wish to be—what?
want to be wordy
psychoanalysts. i don’t want to have to gesticulate to tell the stories of my dreams.
have you had any dreams?
not that i remember. and you?
not that i can forget. so. it’s been found. the loss.
so. what to do?
revisit in six months
re-challenge medications (that were never really a challenge)
keep lists of words for potential use
mark those that i love with a star on the webster’s app
and writing-words with which to write
words to describe the isolation i feel:
the synonyms for a growing impasse
this constant lapse
but it’s so synonymous with “melancholy,” no? and “mourning”
no that’s not their “impression.” they’ve teased it out. it’s “global.”
your “loss” is “global?”
i’m not being grandiose. i’m being clinical. that’s their jargon i’m employing. i’m not waxing grandiloquent.
“global” being “me”
mapped to be terrain
they’re mapping me
“left hemisphere currently more affected than right”
and it’s my thinking
and my thoughts,
and my thinking is:
what does this mean?
what are your thoughts?
what use is “eloquence?”
as a “finding,” it can be of “use”
as a “loss”
as my “loss”
if i’m going to lose,
then it better mean something
to someone objectively
it better mean:
it better be a “yield”
a “yield” of “loss”
an impressive “yield”
a “yield” of “impressions”
impressions are illogical
they are unreal
face-casts of the just-dead
are you dead?
do you want to be?
i want to make an impression
so you aren’t dead
is your “eloquence?”
a “loss of eloquence”
i don’t know
now you’re sending me into a “hysteria”
well, how do you expect to work, if you’re “ineloquent?”
but you must; even the ineloquent labor.
but you’ve no choice
i can’t be seen like this
better something than gone
better “gone” than a “loss”
can they give it back
to return “eloquence?” you would suffer so for that.
the “eloquence” isn’t all gone already; —is a “symptom”
a “symptom” of what
i don’t know ask them
it’s a “symptom” of you
my wheals are “symptoms”
i have “apthous ulcerations” of my “oral mucosa”
“angiodysplastic lesions” in my “small intestine”
“telangiectasia” in my “mid pons”
“nodules” and “polyps”
“loss of hearing”
pain with no meaning
loss with no recovery
i have no plan for recovery
i cannot put a plan together properly
let alone respond to this “finding” effectively
let alone communicate with these “eloquent” people, these doctors—them
but if you were “eloquent”
i’d be: functional
i’d be: found
instead of: what i lost, manifesting
i’d know how to talk myself out of this state of inertia
i cannot submit to a quietus
i will not be inured to this, this, this—
this loss of eloquence.