STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOVIE!!
THIS IS THE LAST WARNING!!!
- Luke is going to have an emotional reunion with Chewbacca and R2-D2. They also mention in passing that there’s not going to be a reunion scene between Luke and Leia now that we’ve lost Carrie.
- Luke doesn’t appear to have a lightsaber in the movie, or not for most of it, if he does.
- Rey is going to be trained by Luke in the movie. It’s going to be like Yoda but it’s going to have a unique spin on it because of Luke’s emotional state.
- Ahch-To is much more mystical place than Dagobah.
- The Convorees are not Convorees. They are little tiny birds called Porgs, or at least that’s what they were referred to as during production. They are soft, white and grey and they have a little bit of orange by the eyes. Solid black eyes, short tail. They’re adorable and creepy at the same time. A sequence filmed in Ireland on the cliff shows a nest with babies. Baby Porgs are disgusting and gross.
- Chewbacca goes back to nature and there’s stuff with him and the birds.
- Luke has a scene where he explains Rey’s connection to the Force and why it’s important. Her relation to main characters of the Saga may not be as important as her relation to the Force and who she is. They still don’t think she’s a Skywalker by blood. She’s a Skywalker in a sense that she’s our Anakin and Luke of this trilogy.
- Laura Dern’s character is probably called Admiral Holdo although she doesn’t look like an admiral. She has a fancy dress with a built-in cape. She has purple flapper hair and a little silver blaster pistol. She looks like a senator from the Prequels. She’s probably from the Republic and doesn’t seem deserving of her position.
- The sets are tremendous.
- There’s no evidense of Leia being injured or hold up in a hospital bed. She has a black costume that is very angular. It looks like a funeral dress but could as well be a mourning dress. It’s very goth, very medieval but also modern. It would fit in the Coruscant opera. She also wears a brown military dress and she has her classic pistol from ANH.
- Poe leads the fleet while they’re being chased by the First Order. Admiral Holdo brings new ships with her.
- There’s more BB-8s in the Resistance. They look like giant brass balls, really dirty and rusty.
- BB-8 goes with Finn and “Rose/Rosie” (KMT’s character) to the casino planet.
- Poe has a new x-wing.
- The First Order versions of BB units are like Satan versions of BB-8s. They’re black and have vents on their sides, inside is like red fire, hexagon heads.
- This movie feels like a new SW movie, everything looks so good, fresh and new.
- Snoke is kind of like an evil Hugh Hefner. He looks really cool. He has a gold, ornate, almost like a Persian pattern kimono outfit and genie slippers . He’s about opulence and money. He cares about wealth and power. He wears a ring with a black stone which is a black kyber crystal. He looks like a space pimp. His throne room is probably inside the super star destroyer. He’s more like a dictator in the classic sense than Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine were.
- Snoke’s guards are referred to as Praetorian Guards. They are the new version of the Red Royal Guards that Palpatine had. Glossy red armor, shell plating, and matte red cloth elements. 6-8 different helmets. They have melee weapons based on martial arts.
- The Knights of Ren don’t look like elite compared to Snoke’s guards. They are probably a bunch of mercenaries serving under Kylo Ren. According to several reports the guys in black on Ahch-To are not KoR.
- Snoke’s Mega Destroyer is like a Death Star if it was a Star Destroyer. A city in the sky, it’s colossal. It’s hunting the Resistance and Poe is evading it.
- Kylo Ren has a hospital bed on it with a FX7 style droid. He is being worked on. He comes back like Finn. Kylo is on a quest where he needs to proof himself. He doesn’t actually wear the helmet in the movie much at all. As Kylo perhaps becomes what he was pretending to be, he may not need a helmet anymore. He doesn’t need it as a symbol anymore.
- Kylo Ren has a customized TIE Fighter evocative of the Falcon.
- They speculate that if Kylo would go back to the good side the First Order would probably still have enough fire power and infantry to take on the Resistance even without Kylo.
- The Praetorian Guards and Captain Phasma actually do something this time.
- There’s a casino on Canto Bight. Finn, “Rosie” and BB-8 are on an adventure there that intertwines with a character called DJ. It could be a code name. He’s Benicio Del Toro’s character. He appears to be a dirty, scuzzy underworld guy and he has a really fancy ship. They speculate that maybe he stole the ship or maybe he’s hiding his real identity by dressing like an underworld guy.
- The salt flat planet is called Crait. The Gorilla walkers or AT4Xs attack on this planet because there’s a Rebel mine there. It was funding the Rebellion during the Galactic civil war against the Empire and now it’s been turned on again. It could be funding the Resistance or it could be the location of the Resistance Base.
- They take gems from the mine and drop them on walkers and it’s enough to take a walker down.
- They speculate if it’s possible that they filmed a confrontation scene between Leia and Kylo Ren and are now moving it to episode IX. Or that maybe Leia sent some sort of “come home” transmission message to Ben, something like “you can still come back”, and maybe now we won’t see it in TLJ because it’s been moved to episode IX. This is all speculation, they don’t know what happens to Leia’s scenes.
- Kylo’s mask design doesn’t allow showing emotions because you can’t see his eyes. So they may take off his helmet to show that he’s not comfortable, he’s not Kylo Ren, he’s still Ben. Now he’s just owning it. But he goes from TFA into TLJ eager to proof himself to Snoke. He’s still on that path.
I thought you meant for a second like metal minatures and was like “I like this level of oldschool.”
Usual caveat: this is my personal list. I’m also going to keep this to “tabletop” characters rather than ones that appear purely in Black Library fiction, since I feel that’s a bit different. And, to make it even easier for myself, I’ll exclude the Horus Heresy era. And units rather than characters. Also it’s a top 11, because feth it.
Honourable mentions to a couple of Phoenix Lords, a plethora of great orks, Yarrick and Logan Grimnar.
11) Astorath the Grim: Master of Vampires.
10) Karandras: Striking. Skorpion. Phoenix. Lord.
9) Asdrubael Vect: Evil Elf Space Pimp.
8) Azrael: He’s seen some gak and, at the end of the day, I think he’s actually a Good Guy still (unlike his Chaplains).
7) The Changeling: Was genuinely disturbing to write about as a character.
6) Brother Captain Stern: A Grey Knight’s Grey Knight.
5) Drazhar Master of Blades: Just generally badass.
4) Typhus: That big pusboy. I love how implacable he is. Best Chaos Space Marine.
3) Ragnar Blackmane: Needs no explanation.
2) Kayvaan Shrike: Wanted to do a novel about him, but George Mann got there first. It’s a great read, and Shrike is one of my favourite Space Marines.
1) Ursarkar E. Creed: Probably my favourite Warhammer 40,000 character to be honest.
VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (2017)
Starring Dane DeHaan, Cara
Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Sam
Spruell, Alain Chabat, Rutger Hauer, Peter Hudson, Xavier Giannoli, Louis
Leterrier, Eric Rochant, Benoit Jacquot, Sasha Luss, Aymeline Valade, Elizabeth
Debicki, Olivier Megaton and the voices of Robbie Rist and John Goodman.
Screenplay by Luc Besson.
Directed by Luc Besson.
Distributed by STX. 137 minutes.
Besson obviously has an active imagination and a smart artistic eye. He has
been responsible for some fine films over the years: Léon: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, The Fifth Element, even
the first Taken movie. So, I’m not
sure why at this point in his career, he pretty much insists on being the
French Michael Bay.
On the plus side, many of
the special effects in Valerian and the
City of a Thousand Planets are mostly rather impressive and mind-boggling.
On the minus side, the movie looks and feels grimy, the dialogue is awful, the
action is not exciting, the actors are lifeless, the characters are annoying,
the leads have no romantic or physical spark, and the story is absolutely
Oh yeah, and the plot
basically revolves around a cute alien lizard creature that poops magical energy
pearls. Yeah, you read that right.
Back in the ‘80s, small
exploitation houses like Cannon Films and Vestron used to make cheap space
adventures to play third in a drive-in triple-feature or to loiter unnoticed in
the sci-fi sections of video stores – cheesy crap along the lines of Battle Beyond the Stars, Galaxina, Saturn 3,
Megaforce and the like. Valerian probably
belongs in this sorry company, though honestly it may not even be good enough
to pass muster even with these pathetic losers. If nothing else, none of these
older films took themselves seriously.
And those films were made
on a shoestring budget, while Besson wasted $225 million dollars to make this
visually interesting, but storyline-bankrupt space opera.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets seems to think it is an
important film, a potential blockbuster, possibly even the beginning of a
long-running series. (Please, God, no!)
What it really is, and I
cannot stress this enough, is a completely muddled and ridiculous waste of over
two hours of your life; an orgy of mindless violence, sparkless romance, crass
political commentary and pseudo-philosophy. Watching a blank screen for that
long would be more intellectually and emotionally stimulating.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is apparently based on
a French comic book series I’ve never heard of called Valérian and Laureline. I can’t really speak on how good or bad the
series is, though since it is a long-running cult favorite I must assume that
it’s better than its cinematic cousin.
A big part of the problem
is, quite simply, the two leads are awful. Dane DeHaan, who is a competent
actor, seems to be channeling Bruce Willis in one of the later, bad Die Hard sequels. He never quite comes
off as an action figure, and he has zero romantic or sexual chemistry with his
winsome co-star. He sets off more sparks with a giant blue tub of goo alien
shapeshifter (voiced and periodically played by pop star Rihanna) than he ever
has with his stunningly beautiful hard-ass co-pilot, who he keeps asking to
About that co-star… Cara
Delevingne is gorgeous, but did not
connect with a single emotion. I know it’s easy pickings to point out that the
supermodel can’t really act, but her monotone line readings and lack of facial
expressions quickly got distracting. I’ll even give her the benefit of the
doubt that it was not totally her fault. She’s a model, not an actress. A smarter
(or at least more conscientious or actor-friendly) director could have probably
coaxed a better performance out of her. Besides, forced to recite the lines she
was given, even Meryl Streep would have come out looking ridiculous.
The most entertaining
part of Valerian was Rihanna on a
stripper pole. Let’s face it, you don’t have to sit through this movie to find
footage of Rihanna on a stripper pole. Another oddball cameo (in fact, it was
in the same section) was Ethan Hawke’s affected (and borderline offensive)
performance as an effeminate, lisping, face-pierced space pimp. And how the
hell did they talk respected jazz-fusion musician Herbie Hancock into doing a
cameo role in which his character was only shown on video communication
If Valerian isn’t the worst movie this year, it’s going to be pretty damned
close. It’s certainly the dregs of what I have seen so far. Expect to see this
movie on a whole slew of year-end “Worst of 2017” lists.
All this talk of Snoke being a “space pimp” and looking like Hugh Hefner and possibly having a masseuse is making me queasy and VERY uncomfortable because of that time I accidentally read That One Fic where he and Rey have a graphic sexual relationship and she cheats on Kylo with him and just… *shudders*.
I swear to God, Star Wars, between that and the unsettling grooming subtext, if you present Snoke as a sexual being I am breaking up with you. No one’s skin should have to crawl that much.
General Ginger pubes, what's it like taking orders from a space pimp? -Poe Dameron
You’d know better than I, Dameron.
Ren stripped your dignity in two seconds flat, which I’d say is a record, but I think everybody knows getting ‘The Best Pilot in the Resistance’ to strip is less of a feat and more of a given.
But no, I can see why you hold the Resistance in such high esteem. After all, all FN-2187 got from us was a home, an education and a purpose. But in the Resistance he got… what was it again? Oh yes, a lightsaber to the spine and a beat up rag of a jacket.
Happy Halloween, and to top it off with something related, here’s some pictures of the really early Darkstalkers Prototype concept art.
Notable ones - to me: Pimp Suit Pyron, Lost In Space Phobos, Amazing Hairdo Morrigan, Giant Robo colour scheme Victor and Crazy Old Cat Lady Felicia. Morrigan and Felicia definitely wouldn’t have been as popular as they are today if the former hadn’t lost her hair gel and the later… um, went for a complete make-over.
Most of the final designs that we know today are better than the prototypes… but these are interesting anyway. Although I do think suave sophisticated Pyron is better than his final design, which was honestly pretty boring.
I sent the last ask. I hope you know I have major respect for you and your blog and I'm just interested in your opinions and thoughts on this interesting subject cause you seem very intelligent and a lot of times your conversation does even go a little over my head. I don't mean to be baiting or bothersome...hope you know that. To continue, I guess I'm looking to clarify: You think Kylo is coded as feminine, but you don't think it will be handled well in the story?
I’m guessing that you are trans!Kylo anon and not the reylo shipper who wants me to know how inadequate my feminism is?
If this is trans!kylo anon, I’m definitely going to answer your asks. It might take awhile though because I have many feelings about trans kylo.
Do I think Kylo’s feminine aspects will be handled well? That’s a complicated question.
I think the authors of TFA used feminine coding as a tool to communicate existential horror. The reason people watch TFA and see Kylo as “the bad guy,” horrible, evil, etc, is partly because of those code-markers, and because of framing, a lot of other diegetic tricks. How does the story convince people to root against Kylo Ren? To WANT him to suffer? By playing sad, scary music when he’s around, and framing his actions more than his motivations, and by coding him as a feminine (pagan) archetype and as gender non-conforming. These tactics are being used by the storytellers as tools to convince people that he deserves violence. That makes for a perfectly legit story, on a structural level, but when you start analyzing the story on feminist and political level, there are some ethical problems. People, especially children, absorb the moral signals they get from stories like this - we got hard science about that. Stories engineer empathy and TFA builds empathy exclusively for masculine-performing characters.
So on an ethical level, TFA did not handle that well. BUT. It’s totally possible for me to enjoy a story and celebrate it’s formal and structural awesomeness while also acknowledging that it poses ethical problems. That’s why I freebase the discourse. Problmatic texts and rage-filled call-outs are the ying and yang of free speech and they are both necessary and vital to the health of human culture. So in a sense, it was handled well, in that the story exists at all, and is effectively a pimp
AND obviously TFA is not a stand-alone text. Way I see it, three things could happen, now.
One is that the rules the universe has established stay the same, and Kylo changes. Light stays “good,” Dark stays “evil,” it’s arbitrarily black and white, but Kylo changes from black to white. That’d mean he would become more masculine-performing. For me that would be a very disappointing direction for the story to go.
Two is that the rules in the universe change, and the characters stay the same. Information is revealed to us that allows us to recognize that the good-evil binary is not as fixed as we thought. This is how both the other trilogies operated: by introducing a series of characters, and then subverting what we know about them by adding new information and context. That route would probably “fix” the ethically dangerous subtext in TFA.
Three is that the rules stay the same, the characters stay the same, and Kylo dies. Good defeats evil, the end.
I’m not naturally inclined to trust Hollywood or Disney around a feminine-coded male character, but the other Star Wars movies were profoundly deft with messaging. My money is currently on some fantastic chimera of options one, two, and three that maintains three distinct morality-plays directed at three types of ideal reader. Hmm maybe that is optimistic. Well. It’s early in the morning.
tfw that possessed puppet your ecto-teen dadbro made with his freaky soul-zapping powers travels through space and time then turns into an omniscient green puppet then gives birth to a giant omnipotent space pimp laser-breath skull dude then goes an kills all ya dead ghost friends
as requested by none other than the one and only (drumroll please(actually no drumrolls are stupid and cliche)) twinarmageddonewithyourshit
damn just look at this eye candy. id whistle at him but i cant whistle for shit so itd sound more like an alien trying to connect to a humidifier to try and give us knowledge of pluto. thats what my whistling sounds like. anyway… i dont think anybody throughout the entire homestuck universe could out-hot dirk in drag. not even lord english. and we all knOW just how hOT that space pimp is. i mean dayum. its like a fairy tale gliding over my sight melons. but dirk. im having an aneurysm just thinking about it