Question: Isn't choosing to not think about certain things like pushing it away? How do you choose not to think about certain things without emotionally running away from it, which causes stuff to pile up
It’s not about erasing thoughts. I don’t think thats possible. I think the trick is acknowledging thoughts as what they are.. just.. thoughts, things that our brains churn out. You have to acknowledge them, but you don’t have to get swept away by them, you dont have to get drawn into every little story your mind creates.
And, with practice and time, once you stop identifying with thoughts so much, they become less urgent, less serious, less overwhelming. You catch yourself in the middle of an unnecessary thought and just.. step back. Negative thoughts soften, become less imposing. But this is a process that happens by itself by working through the stuff I mentioned before, you can’t make it happen overnight.
I only fully understood this after reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. Also, meditation has been super useful, in particular an app called Headspace.
“I’m just tired of watching him all day while you go out!” You whispered loudly to Seungcheol while running your hands through your hair. It had gotten tiring over the past few months, Seungcheol was hardly ever home because of his ever intrusive schedule. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand the situation, you knew he had work and you knew what he was doing was important, but it had become a reoccurring event that Seungcheol would come home at the end of the day and play with him while you were forced to be the “not fun” parent.
“It’s not like I can just quit, what do you expect me to do?” This entire situation had been a buildup of tension that had been piling up and even though the two of you had tried to stay quiet to allow your son to sleep in the next room the volume had gradually gotten louder.
Do you ever think people examine Shakespeare too closely? For example, reading into every line of every character, or every individual word of a sentence to gain deeper meaning, when its likely that Shakespeare himself didn't intend most of the things we attribute to him? I understand that readers give books meaning beyond what the author intended, but sometimes I feel like people take analysis way too far in a very reverent way when it comes to his writing. Do you think this is dangerous?
Do they? Sure. People do that to pretty much everything ever written. But here’s the key that makes it somewhat defensible (and I’ve addressed this in an earlier post about the idea of authorial intent, which I think you should read): Sometimes authors themselves don’t even know what they intend. Speaking as an author, there’s all kind of weird attic shit piled up in my subconscious that probably manifests itself in my writing that I don’t fully understand. True of Shakespeare also? Who knows. But here’s the other thing: What a writer wrote and how various different cultures at various different times respond to it are in some ways equally important, because how we interpret a piece of art says a lot about who we are. Criticism of Hamlet from, say, 1942 is going to be wildly different from criticism of Hamlet from last year. And those differences are hugely valuable, because they show us how culture is evolving. Food for thought.
About the lack of things getting answered from the inbox
Remember that time when mod Kai was their own worst enemy? Mod Kai has GAD and also Panic Disorder. And when they get overwhelmed, they shut down. And when they shut down nothing gets done and things continue to pile up until it’s piled so high mod Kai has a panic attack and then spends three to five days recovering, relapsing, recovering and relapsing, recovering again and trying to chip away at the huge mountain of things that need done. All this to say, I let the inbox get kinda full cuz I was busy, and now it’s so full it’s overwhelming and I don’t even wanna open it but the longer I avoid opening it the worse it’s gonna get and basically FML.
Like, stop telling me I should be happy because I have only a few months of this left to go through.
It is getting harder and harder the closer it gets, part because of the work, but mostly because me and Benj just can’t stand it to be separated anymore. It’s hard. It’s getting harder and harder and we are both slowly going crazy over this.
Probably because we know it’s so close yet so, so far, and because we’re both going through shit and it piles up slowly on our head, because we’re both anxious needy people who make each other freak out when they’re not well (BTW, he answered, I can go to sleep now).
Seeing each other only once every two weeks is becoming harder and harder.
Also because on both our sides we are seeing other couples disintegrate over stupid acts, little things, and even if we do trust each other (no matter the jokes…….), we are even more anxious of pulling through, and that in the end we will not be able to live together again?
And most of all people ask me (but I’m sure they ask him too), what I’m going to do after the PhD. And they are never happy with my answer.
I’ll go home.
I just want to go home.
Fuck the job, fuck my so called “potential”, fuck your stupid false/twisted feminist arguments, I just. Want. To. Go. Home.
“But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab.”
I don’t know why. I’ve discovered this song 6 years ago. When I was at the lowest point of my life. When everything that I do always turns out wrong. That I started questioning my existence, my purpose. If I will ever be of importance to someone or just remain a temporary person in their life. Because the cycle seems to never end. And one mistake piles up after another, as if you can never get back up.
But everytime, every single time I hear this song. My mind just starts to clear out, no thoughts, no fears and I breakdown and cry. Like what I’m doing now. For as long as I can, for as long as my eyes can release every bottled feelings inside. This has been my comfort, it makes me think life is still good after all. Life is still worth looking forward to. Because I know, that even if no one will understand, no one cares, no one tries to listen, I know He will. I know He does. I know He listens. Not in what my mind wanted to say, but what my heart wants to express. One may leave my life, but I always believe He won’t. I just.. I just want someone to stay, regardless of how hard it is. Regardless of all the possibilities.
To someone who needs it, I don’t know you, or what you’re going through, but this song has helped me a lot. I hope it’ll do the same to you.
How? How would she have known that this is where her life was gonna go? A couple of weeks ago she didn’t even know that vampires existed. A myth made by people who didn’t know better. But then she met him. The monster that did this to her.
At the time she thought that he was just a gross creep, until he bared his fangs and dug them into her throat. Even after that she didn’t believe it, she was in denial until this day.
Vampires, how absurd. But the signs just kept piling up. Her appearance changed all so slightly but enough to notice. Her senses sharpened, especially at night and the rising sun was not something she looked forward to anymore. It stung and made her tired. But there was something else.
At the beginning she, of course like everything else, didn’t know what was wrong. Until one of her classmates cut her finger. And she smelled it, her heart beat faster and she wanted nothing more than to dig her teeth into her.
Disgusting. Melanie was disgusted. She tried ignoring the feeling but as time went on it only got worse. She remembers that she was walking home, it was the winter time so the sun had already started to set. Melanie had been more aware of her surroundings since the last time she went home that late. She saw something in the corner of her eye .And there it was. A dog ! Melanie looked around. Where was it’s owner? She went towards it and kneeled down , calling it. She looked at the tag of that dog and then it came back. The feeling . The feeling ,that she hated so much. And this time she didn’t refuse it.
Monster That was what she was. This was not normal, she didn’t want this. she wanted to move and start anew, without the taunts and loneliness. But now it seemed it would all start again. She did not fit in back then and she would certainly not fit in now. Not such a long time ago when she punched that man, that creature , in the face she was happy that she got away alive. But now she wished that she didn’t. This entire situation seemed so unreal. How could she? She just killed something and she knew she would have to do this again. She looked in the mirror and saw her blood stained face. Melanie prided herself for being strong, but this time she couldn’t be.