The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.
Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.
So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.
Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.
your crooked teeth make your lovely smile extremely cute and endearing (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
your splotches of freckles? yeah, those are places where the galaxies whirling inside of you leaked out to radiance their brilliancy into the world
your thighs touch? that’s a GOOD thing. you’re getting proper nutrition! you have muscles! d o n o t b e a s h a m e d!!!! also, thigh gaps are awesome too! anything related to thighs is awesome! all thighs are different because every person is different, and honestly, why does it matter what your thighs look like?? people who are bothered by thighs are weak tbh
“bingo arms”???? listen up: you only have bingo arms when you’re WINNING. otherwise why would you be yelling “bingo”?? thought so. you’re a winner – you can do anything you set your incredible mind to!
your hair is so unbelievably gorgeous and don’t you deny it. don’t forget to style it, dye it, try new shampoos with it, as long as you want to! your hair is your own, whether it be frizzled or dry or thick or thin – be proud of that, and remember that you can always change it up!
your eyes are not too small, or too big, or too wide apart, or too ugly. your eyes are your own mortal doorway into your soul, expressing your thoughts and emotions in dazzling swirls and hues for others to decipher. don’t be afraid to cry, don’t be disgusted by the crinkles at the corners when you smile, don’t hate on the small, microscopic blood vessels running through them. don’t lock your door out of needless shame!
scars!!! scars are so cool! they’re visual results from a chapter that makes up the story of your life! no matter where scars are, don’t be conscious of concealing them! ppl loVE scars! even the tiny lil ones! anyone who has a scar is automatically known as an ultimate badass sorry that’s the rule
same goes for stretch marks! those little ripples on your thighs, your hips, your waist, your belly? those mean that you’ve GROWN. your body has adapted frequently throughout your life, and leaves those little ripples as little hints of your amazing journey from babyhood to adulthood! (or maybe you’re just a mystical ocean god/goddess and those waves are symbols of your enormous power, onlookers should be on the lookout)
sorry, did you say you had a pig nose? do you even kNOW how cute piggies are you should be PROUD of your nose cAUSE U CUTE
long, thin nose? p l s. that just means you’re king/queen of everything. don’t deny it. you know how powerful you truly are
tummy rolls? everyone has them. seriously, no matter how thin a person may seem, tummy rolls are inevitable. you are not alone! tummy rolls rock! ROCK THOSE TUMMY ROLLS!
trust me, barely anyone see your feet anyways. besides, feet aren’t that bad – how do you think your hands would look if they walked everywhere over the earth’s rough terrain? feet are hella
ears are so cool omg they’re like fingerprints, unique to you and you only! plus you can pierce them! repeatedly! how cool is that? ears are best
do nOT be anxious about flaunting your legs! wear that short skirt! wear those shorts! own that bikini! your legs are marvelous! ppl would kill for a pair of dandy lookin legs like yours! pale or tan, legs are glorious! L E G S
lips. lips. do you know how many magic tricks your lips are able to perform? the formation of words, the ability to smile or frown, the ability to express, to kiss, to wear makeup; lips are ethereal and exquisite in all forms!
#1 tip: your eyebrows are always on fleek
and lastly: you are not dumb. you are not worthless. you are not a waste of space, an empty void, a meaningless shell. you are loved. you are worth everything. you are so incredibly intelligent,you are utterly unforgettable, and you are breathtakinginevery single way.
next time you look in a mirror, blow yourself a kiss and don’t worry – you’ll kill it out there today. ♥
“GET OFF ME WOMAN!!” Hesky shouts
throwing Karen off him and running out the door.
“YOU WILL ACCEPT MY VALENTINE
LOVE!!!” she shouts chasing after him holding her home made
chocolates above her head.
The two Humans screaming and running
past Dr Loop’s door was nothing out of the ordinary these days, he
liked the Humans and found them fascinating and rather good company.
That did not mean that he did not find them odd to the point of
thinking they were all insane. Some were quiet and preferred to be
alone and other were loud and found hurting themselves to be
hilarious. Suddenly his door opened with another Human limping.
“What happened to you?” Dr Loop
“Sergeant Stabby got me” he
“Why do you keep it around and why
the Admiral allows that thing to stay I’ll never know”
“Don’t talk ill of Sergeant Stabby,
he is war hero you know”
“IT is a cleaning machine”
“Irrelevant he is a hero and deserves
“SHHHHHH here he comes”
Sergeant Stabby made his way into the
Dr’s office and bumped into a few wall and furniture all the while
the Human stood up and saluted it until it left.
“Tell me something um…” Dr Loop
“Cho, tell me something Cho is it the
norm for you race to be so….nuts?”
Cho smiled “You’ve never been to
Terra have you?”
“Shame, because if you think we are
crazy you’d love to see us on our home world”
Dr Loop just scoffed and went to look
at Cho’s foot. “The bleeding has already stopped”
“Well yeah he doesn’t stab us deeply”
“But still for wound like this to
stop bleeding so soon”
“Yeah it’s clotting? Wait…have you
worked on Humans before”
“I have studied Human anatomy yes”
“But actually worked with one? In
person before we got here?”
Dr Loop did not like his skills being
questioned, his race the Seelom were a very proud race especially of
“It matters not, I know all the ins
and outs of your kinds bodies, probably better than you and the rest
of your backwards and primitive kind”
Cho raised an eyebrow “Give your arm
for a sec” he asked.
“Just trust me”
Dr Loop gave him one of his right arms
and Cho stuck out his tongue all the while looking at his face for a
reaction but Dr Loop just looked confused and a little disgusted.
Cho licked his arm and a split second
later Dr Loop was screaming as Cho’s saliva burned through his skin.
Dr Loop fell tot he floor cradling his
arm and after a few more seconds the burning stopped and Cho was on
“Guess you forgot our saliva is like
acid to your kind” he said and left without helping him up.
The Benemar Chief of Admiral Polts
fleet was back on Bento Prime, he had already been disgraced for not
seeking justice after one of his clan leaders was killed by a Human
female. And to let the Humans gain all the glory for the liberation
of Remer making their kind out to be a joke.
“Cheif Goolack of the Benemar step
forward!” called one of the High Chieftains and he stpped forward.
“You are a coward and weak, you let
the murder of your own kind go unanswered and these Humans push you
around like your are their slave, what say you in your defence”
Chief Goolack stood up straight, the
chains around his wrists were heavy and those around his legs were
heavier, his pig-like nose snorted and his tusks had been cut to show
“I am a Benemar and I fought for our
people and uphold my laws and our laws say that the STRONG!!! rule.
Well the Humans have shown their strength and I saw their might in
battle against a foe who outnumbered them many times over and they
came away from that battle covered in the blood of their enemies.
They are the only race who has ever besieged our world and you judge
me as a coward for respecting strength?”
“They are the ENEMY!!! they burned
our breeding pens and they must be wiped out. They are gaining too
much power, power they are taking from us”
The court cheered and banged their
weapons which were a combination of ancient war axes and rifles
against their armour.
“Let this cry go out across to the
star to all Benemar, the Alliance high command has given us the
location oft heir breeding ground, we march…TO WAR!!!!”
The Benemar all over the Alliance
suddenly began disappearing from Alliance ships, when asked why they
were going back to their home world they simply replied “The High
Chief has risen the banner”
Many thought this was the Benemar about
to begin an independent push into Gal territory but they did not deny
or confirm this and the army on Bento Prime continued to grow, the
Humans though did not trust the Benemar and kept their eye on them.
Life in Admiral Polts fleet went on a s
usual, or as usual it could be with the Humans around and with the
Benemar now gone their was no hostility in the air. The Humans did
their best to include the other races in their odd practices such as
celebrating the anniversary of ones birth. They even as far to
inquire to the other races celebrations and traditions and asked to
take part which made the others rather flattered. They ranged from
celebrating the unification of the Fookkarl under one banner which
the Humans described as one large orgy as there was a lot of kissing
but the Humans obliged.
The fun did not stop there.
Depit, an Elong like Admiral Polt was
travelling in the ship main elevator to the observatory when it
stopped to let a number of other crew off but only person got on. It
was a Human, female by the looks of her but her stomach was huge,
maybe she had just eaten he thought to himself. The elevator stopped
a few more times and before long it was only him and this Human who
from her tag her name was Sergeant Cathy. He started to sweat, he saw
what was left of the body of the Benemar that she had attacked.
She smiled at him and gave a nervous
smile back but nothing was said between them, until the elevator
suddenly and harshly stopped.
“Ahhh!” Cathy screamed at the
sudden change of momentum.
“Are you okay?” he asked and she
nodded. “Must be a power outage” he tired raising maintenance but
go response, there was no power to the that call button either.
Suddenly Cathy was breathing fast and hard.
“Umm, are you sure you’re okay” he
asked again but she shook her head and held her large stomach.
“The baby is coming” she panted.
“Baby? What baby?”
“I’m FUCKING PREGNANT YOU ASSHOLE!!!
she screamed and he jumped.
“Oh? OH?!!! CRAP!”
Cathy sat down as her water broke and
“What do I do!! HELP!” he shouted
into the call button in some hope that someone would hear.
“What…what is your name?” she
“Depit, come here I need you to help
me” she said holding out her hand and he slowly came and she
“I don’t know what to do” Depit
“Just hold my hand and squeeze when I
“AHHHHHHH” Cathy screamed and
squeezed Depits hand so hard she broke two of his fingers as he had
tried to pull away when he heard the word squeeze.
“WHY YOU PULL AWAY!!!” she shouted
“You’ll break my hand if you squeeze
It then dawn on her that Humans were
far stronger than Elong, so she pulled off her trousers and tore off
a piece so she could bite down on it and screamed again.
“Why are you screaming what’s
happening I don’t how to help” Depit said panicking.
“IM HAVING CONTRACTIONS YOU FUCKING
“WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!”
“MY BODY IS GETTING READY TO PUSH THE
“WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!!!”
Another contraction came and she
screamed so loud Depit had to cover his ears.
This went on for over and hour till
finally Cathy stopped screaming as contractions suddenly stopped.
“Okay…okay” she said to herself
with Depit fanning her with his wings.
“How long does this usually go on
for?” he asked.
“My mother was in labour for 32 hours
“Ah don’t shout, I’m lucky the
contractions have stopped”
“What happens next?”
Cathy looked at him “Next comes the
“Elong births are lot…faster than
“You’re a bird race, you have it
easy” she laughed. Then started panting. “Here it comes! Get
between my legs!!”
Depit obeyed and cathy spread herself
and Depit froze.
“What do I do?”
Cathy burst into laughter “I’m
kidding, just guide it out”
Depit got ready and Cathy screamed
again, this time louder and so much Depit thoughtt he walls were
“I can see the egg”
“IT’S NOT AN EGG IT’S A FUCKING
HEAD!! WE DON’T LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!”
“WHAT!!! HOW THE…I’M SORRY…BY
CREATION WHAT THE…..!” he screamed as the head appeared.
Cathy started breathing again and moved
her hand to feel where the baby was “okay, one more” she
positioned herself and Depit put his hands by the baby’s head and
Cathy pushed with every ounce of her remaining strength and it fell
into Depits arms.
After the baby began crying he handed
it to Cathy who wrapped it up in her jacket and cradled it.
“It’s a boy” she said.
“No wonder your race is so tough, you
endure coming into the world like that and are willingly go through
it to bring one of your own into the world”
“And we do it over and over again,
I’ll be doing at least two more times I think” she laughed “What
did you say your name was again?”
“Depit, my name is Depit”
Cathy smiled and looked down at her son
“Do you mind if I call my son Depit?”
Depit’s eyes nearly shot out of his
head, for a child to bear ones name is a great honor among his
people. “You would do me that honour?”
“Of course, you brought him into the
world, well I did most of the work but still”
“Thankyou” he said smiling.
“Oh beware of the after birth”
“The what?” Depit said looking down
just as it slumped down in front of him.
In the higher levels and completely
unaware of the new addition to their family the Humans were having a
friendly game of football with some of the Aliens when Captain Clerk
called for a stop. Admiral Polt was with him and everyone could tell
by their Captains face that something had happened.
“Men and woman of the 8th
Human army” Clerk started “Approximately 16 hours ago the Benemar
launched a full scale assault on Terra”
The air became heavy as if every Human
and Alien had stopped breathing, no one spoke.
“The battle is still going on and all
Human forces are being recalled to aid the defence force fighting
there, our latest report says they have breached our outer defence
net and are landing their troops. So get your stuff I want us ready
to go yesterday!!”
The Humans didn’t say anything and as a
single mind dropped what they were doing and ran to their quarters
and collected all their belongings and things they brought with them.
The cargo hold that they had made their own was dismantled within 10
minutes, every Human was found and accounted for including Cathy and
her new son Depit. Hesky was thrilled to see his son but annoyed that
she named him something that reminded him of cesspit.
Within 2 hours the Humans were all
loaded onto their own ships, they said a quick farewell to their
Alien friends and set off for Terra.
The Benemar continued their assault,
unaware that word had gotten out about their attack on Terra, unaware
of the armada coming for them.
why isn’t there a dinosaur emoji. my jurassic park loving ass wants a trex skull or some shit and the closest thing i got is Shenron from DBZ 🐉 and honestly ok amongst the animal emojis we got 🦑giant squids 🐄🐂🐃 three types of cattle 🐤🐣🐥three chicks, why there’s 3 idek who knows but we got 3 🐽a damn pig nose 🐭🐹🐀🐁 4 types of rats 🦄unicorns which ain’t even real but no dinosaurs? fuck it. shenron is the dinosaur emoji now y'all until apple sorts its shit out. what up everyone Jurassic Park is my favorite movie 🐉🐲🐉🐲🐉🐲