pig nosed

The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.

Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.

So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.

Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.

dear person reading this:

  • your crooked teeth make your lovely smile extremely cute and endearing  (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
  • your splotches of freckles? yeah, those are places where the galaxies whirling inside of you leaked out to radiance their brilliancy into the world
  • your thighs touch? that’s a GOOD thing. you’re getting proper nutrition! you have muscles! d o  n o t  b e  a s h a m e d!!!! also, thigh gaps are awesome too! anything related to thighs is awesome! all thighs are different because every person is different, and honestly, why does it matter what your thighs look like?? people who are bothered by thighs are weak tbh
  • “bingo arms”???? listen up: you only have bingo arms when you’re WINNING. otherwise why would you be yelling “bingo”?? thought so. you’re a winner – you can do anything you set your incredible mind to!
  • your hair is so unbelievably gorgeous and don’t you deny it. don’t forget to style it, dye it, try new shampoos with it, as long as you want to! your hair is your own, whether it be frizzled or dry or thick or thin – be proud of that, and remember that you can always change it up!
  • your eyes are not too small, or too big, or too wide apart, or too ugly. your eyes are your own mortal doorway into your soul, expressing your thoughts and emotions in dazzling swirls and hues for others to decipher. don’t be afraid to cry, don’t be disgusted by the crinkles at the corners when you smile, don’t hate on the small, microscopic blood vessels running through them. don’t lock your door out of needless shame!
  • scars!!! scars are so cool! they’re visual results from a chapter that makes up the story of your life! no matter where scars are, don’t be conscious of concealing them! ppl loVE scars! even the tiny lil ones! anyone who has a scar is automatically known as an ultimate badass sorry that’s the rule
  • same goes for stretch marks! those little ripples on your thighs, your hips, your waist, your belly? those mean that you’ve GROWN. your body has adapted frequently throughout your life, and leaves those little ripples as little hints of your amazing journey from babyhood to adulthood! (or maybe you’re just a mystical ocean god/goddess and those waves are symbols of your enormous power, onlookers should be on the lookout)
  • sorry, did you say you had a pig nose? do you even kNOW how cute piggies are you should be PROUD of your nose cAUSE U CUTE
  • long, thin nose? p l s. that just means you’re king/queen of everything. don’t deny it. you know how powerful you truly are
  • tummy rolls? everyone has them. seriously, no matter how thin a person may seem, tummy rolls are inevitable. you are not alone! tummy rolls rock! ROCK THOSE TUMMY ROLLS!
  • trust me, barely anyone see your feet anyways. besides, feet aren’t that bad – how do you think your hands would look if they walked everywhere over the earth’s rough terrain? feet are hella 
  • ears are so cool omg they’re like fingerprints, unique to you and you only! plus you can pierce them! repeatedly! how cool is that? ears are best
  • do nOT be anxious about flaunting your legs! wear that short skirt! wear those shorts! own that bikini! your legs are marvelous! ppl would kill for a pair of dandy lookin legs like yours! pale or tan, legs are glorious! L E G S
  • lips. lips. do you know how many magic tricks your lips are able to perform? the formation of words, the ability to smile or frown, the ability to express, to kiss, to wear makeup; lips are ethereal and exquisite in all forms!
  • #1 tip: your eyebrows are always on fleek  (▰˘◡˘▰)
  • and lastly: you are not dumb. you are not worthless. you are not a waste of space, an empty void, a meaningless shell. you are loved. you are worth everything. you are so incredibly intelligent, you are utterly unforgettable, and you are breathtaking in every single way.
  • next time you look in a mirror, blow yourself a kiss and don’t worry – you’ll kill it out there today. ♥
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(via @thelavaempire on Instagram: “Muffin and Puffs #throwback #guineapigs #petsarefamily” • Instagram)

Newcomers Pt6

“EAT IT!!!”

“NO”

“I SAID EAT IT!”

“GET OFF ME WOMAN!!” Hesky shouts throwing Karen off him and running out the door.

“YOU WILL ACCEPT MY VALENTINE LOVE!!!” she shouts chasing after him holding her home made chocolates above her head.


The two Humans screaming and running past Dr Loop’s door was nothing out of the ordinary these days, he liked the Humans and found them fascinating and rather good company. That did not mean that he did not find them odd to the point of thinking they were all insane. Some were quiet and preferred to be alone and other were loud and found hurting themselves to be hilarious. Suddenly his door opened with another Human limping.

“What happened to you?” Dr Loop asks.

“Sergeant Stabby got me” he replies.

“Why do you keep it around and why the Admiral allows that thing to stay I’ll never know”

“Don’t talk ill of Sergeant Stabby, he is war hero you know”

“IT is a cleaning machine”

“Irrelevant he is a hero and deserves our respect”

“But-”

“SHHHHHH here he comes”

Sergeant Stabby made his way into the Dr’s office and bumped into a few wall and furniture all the while the Human stood up and saluted it until it left.

“Tell me something um…” Dr Loop said

“Cho”

“Cho, tell me something Cho is it the norm for you race to be so….nuts?”

Cho smiled “You’ve never been to Terra have you?”

“No”

“Shame, because if you think we are crazy you’d love to see us on our home world”

Dr Loop just scoffed and went to look at Cho’s foot. “The bleeding has already stopped”

“Well yeah he doesn’t stab us deeply”

“But still  for wound like this to stop bleeding so soon”

“Yeah it’s clotting? Wait…have you worked on Humans before”

“I have studied Human anatomy yes”

“But actually worked with one? In person before we got here?”

Dr Loop did not like his skills being questioned, his race the Seelom were a very proud race especially of their skills.

“It matters not, I know all the ins and outs of your kinds bodies, probably better than you and the rest of your backwards and primitive kind”

Cho raised an eyebrow “Give your arm for a sec” he asked.

“Why?”

“Just trust me”

Dr Loop gave him one of his right arms and Cho stuck out his tongue all the while looking at his face for a reaction but Dr Loop just looked confused and a little disgusted.

Cho licked his arm and a split second later Dr Loop was screaming as Cho’s saliva burned through his skin.

Dr Loop fell tot he floor cradling his arm and after a few more seconds the burning stopped and Cho was on his feet.

“Guess you forgot our saliva is like acid to your kind” he said and left without helping him up.



The Benemar Chief of Admiral Polts fleet was back on Bento Prime, he had already been disgraced for not seeking justice after one of his clan leaders was killed by a Human female. And to let the Humans gain all the glory for the liberation of Remer making their kind out to be a joke.

“Cheif Goolack of the Benemar step forward!” called one of the High Chieftains and he stpped forward.

“You are a coward and weak, you let the murder of your own kind go unanswered and these Humans push you around like your are their slave, what say you in your defence”

Chief Goolack stood up straight, the chains around his wrists were heavy and those around his legs were heavier, his pig-like nose snorted and his tusks had been cut to show his disgrace.

“I am a Benemar and I fought for our people and uphold my laws and our laws say that the STRONG!!! rule. Well the Humans have shown their strength and I saw their might in battle against a foe who outnumbered them many times over and they came away from that battle covered in the blood of their enemies. They are the only race who has ever besieged our world and you judge me as a coward for respecting strength?”

“They are the ENEMY!!! they burned our breeding pens and they must be wiped out. They are gaining too much power, power they are taking from us”

The court cheered and banged their weapons which were a combination of ancient war axes and rifles against their armour.

“Let this cry go out across to the star to all Benemar, the Alliance high command has given us the location oft heir breeding ground, we march…TO WAR!!!!”


The Benemar all over the Alliance suddenly began disappearing from Alliance ships, when asked why they were going back to their home world they simply replied “The High Chief has risen the banner”

Many thought this was the Benemar about to begin an independent push into Gal territory but they did not deny or confirm this and the army on Bento Prime continued to grow, the Humans though did not trust the Benemar and kept their eye on them.


Life in Admiral Polts fleet went on a s usual, or as usual it could be with the Humans around and with the Benemar now gone their was no hostility in the air. The Humans did their best to include the other races in their odd practices such as celebrating the anniversary of ones birth. They even as far to inquire to the other races celebrations and traditions and asked to take part which made the others rather flattered. They ranged from celebrating the unification of the Fookkarl under one banner which the Humans described as one large orgy as there was a lot of kissing but the Humans obliged.

The fun did not stop there.

Depit, an Elong like Admiral Polt was travelling in the ship main elevator to the observatory when it stopped to let a number of other crew off but only person got on. It was a Human, female by the looks of her but her stomach was huge, maybe she had just eaten he thought to himself. The elevator stopped a few more times and before long it was only him and this Human who from her tag her name was Sergeant Cathy. He started to sweat, he saw what was left of the body of the Benemar that she had attacked.

She smiled at him and gave a nervous smile back but nothing was said between them, until the elevator suddenly and harshly stopped.

“Ahhh!” Cathy screamed at the sudden change of momentum.

“Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded. “Must be a power outage” he tired raising maintenance but go response, there was no power to the that call button either. Suddenly Cathy was breathing fast and hard.

“Umm, are you sure you’re okay” he asked again but she shook her head and held her large stomach.

“The baby is coming” she panted.

“Baby? What baby?”

“I’m FUCKING PREGNANT YOU ASSHOLE!!! she screamed and he jumped.

“Oh? OH?!!! CRAP!”

Cathy sat down as her water broke and leaned back.

“What do I do!! HELP!” he shouted into the call button in some hope that someone would hear.

“What…what is your name?” she asked.

“Depit”

“Depit, come here I need you to help me” she said holding out her hand and he slowly came and she grabbed it.

“I don’t know what to do” Depit said.

“Just hold my hand and squeeze when I squeeze!”

“What?”

“AHHHHHHH” Cathy screamed and squeezed Depits hand so hard she broke two of his fingers as he had tried to pull away when he heard the word squeeze.

“WHY YOU PULL AWAY!!!” she shouted at him.

“You’ll break my hand if you squeeze it”

It then dawn on her that Humans were far stronger than Elong, so she pulled off her trousers and tore off a piece so she could bite down on it and screamed again.

“Why are you screaming what’s happening I don’t how to help” Depit said panicking.

“IM HAVING CONTRACTIONS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!”

“WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!”

“MY BODY IS GETTING READY TO PUSH THE BABY OUT!”

“OF WHERE!!”

“WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!!!”

Another contraction came and she screamed so loud Depit had to cover his ears.

This went on for over and hour till finally Cathy stopped screaming as contractions suddenly stopped.

“Okay…okay” she said to herself with Depit fanning her with his wings.

“How long does this usually go on for?” he asked.

“My mother was in labour for 32 hours with me”

“32 HOURS!”

“Ah don’t shout, I’m lucky the contractions have stopped”

“What happens next?”

Cathy looked at him “Next comes the pushing”

“Elong births are lot…faster than this”

“You’re a bird race, you have it easy” she laughed. Then started panting. “Here it comes! Get between my legs!!”

Depit obeyed and cathy spread herself and Depit froze.

“What do I do?”

“Catch!”

“Catch?”

Cathy burst into laughter “I’m kidding, just guide it out”

Depit got ready and Cathy screamed again, this time louder and so much Depit thoughtt he walls were shaking.

“I can see the egg”

“IT’S NOT AN EGG IT’S A FUCKING HEAD!! WE DON’T LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!”

“WHAT!!! HOW THE…I’M SORRY…BY CREATION WHAT THE…..!” he screamed as the head appeared.

Cathy started breathing again and moved her hand to feel where the baby was “okay, one more” she positioned herself and Depit put his hands by the baby’s head and Cathy pushed with every ounce of her remaining strength and it fell into Depits arms.

After the baby began crying he handed it to Cathy who wrapped it up in her jacket and cradled it.

“It’s a boy” she said.

“No wonder your race is so tough, you endure coming into the world like that and are willingly go through it to bring one of your own into the world”

“And we do it over and over again, I’ll be doing at least two more times I think” she laughed “What did you say your name was again?”

“Depit, my name is Depit”

Cathy smiled and looked down at her son “Do you mind if I call my son Depit?”

Depit’s eyes nearly shot out of his head, for a child to bear ones name is a great honor among his people. “You would do me that honour?”

“Of course, you brought him into the world, well I did most of the work but still”

“Thankyou” he said smiling.

“Oh beware of the after birth”

“The what?” Depit said looking down just as it slumped down in front of him.


In the higher levels and completely unaware of the new addition to their family the Humans were having a friendly game of football with some of the Aliens when Captain Clerk called for a stop. Admiral Polt was with him and everyone could tell by their Captains face that something had happened.

“Men and woman of the 8th Human army” Clerk started “Approximately 16 hours ago the Benemar launched a full scale assault on Terra”

The air became heavy as if every Human and Alien had stopped breathing, no one spoke.

“The battle is still going on and all Human forces are being recalled to aid the defence force fighting there, our latest report says they have breached our outer defence net and are landing their troops. So get your stuff I want us ready to go yesterday!!”

The Humans didn’t say anything and as a single mind dropped what they were doing and ran to their quarters and collected all their belongings and things they brought with them. The cargo hold that they had made their own was dismantled within 10 minutes, every Human was found and accounted for including Cathy and her new son Depit. Hesky was thrilled to see his son but annoyed that she named him something that reminded him of cesspit.

Within 2 hours the Humans were all loaded onto their own ships, they said a quick farewell to their Alien friends and set off for Terra.

The Benemar continued their assault, unaware that word had gotten out about their attack on Terra, unaware of the armada coming for them.

why isn’t there a dinosaur emoji. my jurassic park loving ass wants a trex skull or some shit and the closest thing i got is Shenron from DBZ 🐉 and honestly ok amongst the animal emojis we got 🦑giant squids 🐄🐂🐃 three types of cattle 🐤🐣🐥three chicks, why there’s 3 idek who knows but we got 3 🐽a damn pig nose 🐭🐹🐀🐁 4 types of rats 🦄unicorns which ain’t even real but no dinosaurs? fuck it. shenron is the dinosaur emoji now y'all until apple sorts its shit out. what up everyone Jurassic Park is my favorite movie 🐉🐲🐉🐲🐉🐲