pie to go

The Great Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pie Sham

Tomorrow my friends and I wanna have a “traditional American Thanksgiving dinner” (we’re all Germans and WE HAVE NO IDEA) and I’ve got the task to prepare a pumpkin pie. My question is: Is it worth it? Does anyone really like pumpkin pie? Or should I go with my usual gingerbread tiramisu? Serious Eaters, I need you to confess up here!

NHL Urban Legend: The Jam Maker

The nutritionists first catch wind of the underground network in Boston; something is off about their athletes and their sugar intake. Then reports pop up in Calgary, then Florida, then San Jose. In just a few weeks, the news of the jam has spread to all 31 teams.

The players are tight-lipped; all raving about the secret sweet condiment is shut down when the nutritionist is within earshot.

Some say Kent Parson missed a chance for a GWG because someone chirped him about having not tried the jam yet. Alexei Mashkov denies being the one that chirped him. Parson denies being the only one in the league to not have had the jam.

They suspect that the jam is getting shipped out of Nashville. “Only southerners,” they say.

No nutritionist suspects Providence, but all the players know they have to go through Jack Zimmermann to get the goods.

An AU where Bitty didn’t go to Samwell and instead started working at a bakery in Providence. The bakery is around the same neighbourhood where Tater lives.

Tater starts frequenting the place and soon enough, you guessed it. Bitty and Tater become friends.

The best of friends. The ride or die friends. The I’d hide a body with you friend. But also the how many skittles can you fit in your mouth? Friend.

Tater starts a lot of his stories with ‘B and I…’ ‘Took B to’ 'B is’ etc and everybody starts assuming that B is Tater’s girlfriend, until he brings him for a game.

Everybody sort of goes 'oooooh’ and assumes this is Tater coming out and bringing his boyfriend to meet them. And if you think about it, it sort of explains Tater calling him B.

Then Tater comes super excited one day. 'B will move with me!’ And they all congratulate him and everything, thinking it’s so nice that Tater and Bitty’s relationship is going well, while actually Tater has been nagging Bitty to move in so he can have access to pie 24/7.

But also because Bitty is his best friend and since he bought his apartment he has been feeling a little lonely, this is the reason that does convince Bitty to move in because he has been feeling a little lonely too.

Fast forward a year, Jack graduates and joins the team. By this point Bitty is a regular at the games, he is a very in demand babysitter and makes a lot of food for the players.

Before he starts, Guy and Marty take the time to feel him out and explain that Tater has a boyfriend, and that they will have nothing but acceptance in their locker room.

They do this after asking Tater if it was ok to tell Jack about Bitty.

'No problem!’ Tater replies happily 'But B so good he need no introduction.’

Jack is pleased by this of course, and happy he is in a welcoming team.

Then Jack meets Bitty.

And to make it better, let’s say he meets him when he is carrying a bunch of stuff for the nook.

'You should eat more protein,’ Jack jokes after seeing all the pies, and offers a hand to carry things.

Bitty jokes/flirts back. They are having a moment, Jack feels butterflies in his stomach and well, if the team is ok with Tater, surely they’d be ok with him…

'B! You made it!’ Tater bellows from down the hallways and rushes over, picking Bitty and putting him in a bear hug. 'I miss you.’

'Tater!’ Bitty yells laughing, and kisses his cheek playfully, 'you saw me this morning.’

'Yeah but you sleepy, you grumpy when sleepy. Like tiny bear.’

And then Bitty and Tater start to bicker like an old married couple. This whole time Tater is holding Bitty up.

Jack stomach drops to his feet, because of course Bitty is taken. By his teammate.

Jack develops a crush, a massive problematic crush because holy fuck Tater is the nicest person ever, and he would never want to get in between him and his boyfriend, but also he is terrified of Tater finding out because he once took two defence man by himself and won.

Meanwhile, at Bitty and Tater’s home, Bitty flings himself dramatically over the counter.

'Tater! I’m in love. Jack is so cute and nice, I like him so much.’

'Jack nice guy, he good guy for you. I approve,’ Tater says solemnly with a mouth full of pie.

'Say it don’t spray it,’ Bitty asks for the millionth time. 'Do you know if he likes guys?’

And then Tater being the good friend he is, tries to feel Jack out and play matchmaker, while an increasingly alarmed Jack thinks Tater is warning him off about crushing on Bitty.

Which isn’t helped by the fact Bitty keeps popping up to chirp him, which kind of feels like flirting but surely not…

Things get clarified and everything, Jack and Bitty start dating, and Tater has to explain 8 times to everybody that no, he never dated Bitty.

'We kissed once. We agree weird. We best as best friends,’ Tater says once again.

'Yeah but if he was going to date somebody other than you why couldn’t it be me?’ Poots complains loudly.

'You no good enough for B,’ Tater chirps back. 'I only let B date good teammate who didn’t eat my pie.’

'Will you let that go man!? I didn’t know it was yours.’

'It had sticky paper with Tater on it! You don’t fool me Poot, you food thief!’

NHL!Bitty Pt. I - Hug Check

Bitty signs with another team and no one on the Falconers wants to be the guy to check Zimms’ boyfriend; the problem is Bitty’s a quick little fucker and if you don’t stop him somehow he has a tendency to score. They’ve already lost one game because Guy hesitated a half-second too long and god-forbid they end up in a cup series with him.

Solution? Falconers bring back the patented Horton ‘bear-hug check’; initially just for Bittle, but it spreads league-wide because straight up lifting guys off the ice for a few seconds is hella effective and the linemen haven’t seen it much so they don’t really know how to call it.

There are three minutes left in the second period and the Schooners are up by one; Bitty spins to avoid Thirdy, shoots a look to Avery, ready to pass and –

“Miss you, Itty Bitty!” Mashkov crows over the roar of the crowd, his massive chest stopping Eric’s momentum full force. Bitty knows what’s coming next, wrapped up in Mashkov’s arms, squished by pads and misplaced affection, he watches helplessly as the puck slides away, immediately picked off by Thirdy. “Miss your pie!”

“Let me go –” Bitty growls, struggling against the hold even as a linesman skates by to examine if what they’re doing constitutes a fight. 

It doesn’t.

“Aww, Bitty not enjoying my hugs,” Mashkov tells the linesman, squeezing tighter, bumping his helmet against Eric’s, “rather I knock out pretty teeth instead.”

“Fuck you, Tater!”

“No, no, you fuck Zimmboni. You make me pie.”

6

Favorite Mulder Moments  ➝ 3.20 Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’

That is odd because almost every day I was there, I ate lunch at that diner and became dear friends with the cook.  He told me a story about the night you’re talking about.  A man walked into his place, sat down, ordered sweet potato pie, identified himself as FBI Agent Mulder.  He then questioned my friend.  He then ordered piece after piece, each time asking another question.  He ate a whole pie in that fashion, then got up and left.  My friend never saw him again.