The nutritionists first catch wind of the underground network in Boston; something is off about their athletes and their sugar intake. Then reports pop up in Calgary, then Florida, then San Jose. In just a few weeks, the news of the jam has spread to all 31 teams.
The players are tight-lipped; all raving about the secret sweet condiment is shut down when the nutritionist is within earshot.
Some say Kent Parson missed a chance for a GWG because someone chirped him about having not tried the jam yet. Alexei Mashkov denies being the one that chirped him. Parson denies being the only one in the league to not have had the jam.
They suspect that the jam is getting shipped out of Nashville. “Only southerners,” they say.
No nutritionist suspects Providence, but all the players know they have to go through Jack Zimmermann to get the goods.
Bitty signs with another team and no one on the Falconers wants to be the guy to check Zimms’ boyfriend; the problem is Bitty’s a quick little fucker and if you don’t stop him somehow he has a tendency to score. They’ve already lost one game because Guy hesitated a half-second too long and god-forbid they end up in a cup series with him.
Solution? Falconers bring back the patented Horton ‘bear-hug check’; initially just for Bittle, but it spreads league-wide because straight up lifting guys off the ice for a few seconds is hella effective and the linemen haven’t seen it much so they don’t really know how to call it.
There are three minutes left in the second period and the Schooners are up by one; Bitty spins to avoid Thirdy, shoots a look to Avery, ready to pass and –
“Miss you, Itty Bitty!” Mashkov crows over the roar of the crowd, his massive chest stopping Eric’s momentum full force. Bitty knows what’s coming next, wrapped up in Mashkov’s arms, squished by pads and misplaced affection, he watches helplessly as the puck slides away, immediately picked off by Thirdy. “Miss your pie!”
“Let me go –” Bitty growls, struggling against the hold even as a linesman skates by to examine if what they’re doing constitutes a fight.
“Aww, Bitty not enjoying my hugs,” Mashkov tells the linesman, squeezing tighter, bumping his helmet against Eric’s, “rather I knock out pretty teeth instead.”
Okay but Ronan being super domestic just… super violently???
-Like calling up 300 Fox Way and saying “MAURA I NEED YOUR APPLE PIE RECIPE I’M GOING TO MAKE THE BEST GOD DAMN PIE YOU’VE EVER HAD”
-Or Skyping Adam and telling him about redecorating the living room or something and Adam’s quietly laughing because his terrifying boyfriend is talking about interior decor and Ronan sees and he’s just like “No, Adam, I don’t think you understand, I’m gonna redecorate the SHIT out of this room”
-Throwbacks to his street racing days by driving tractors really intensely
-“Yo Sargent are you and Gansey coming for Christmas I got this FUCKIN BADASS CHRISTMAS TREE I gotta show you”
-“OPAL STOP DICKING AROUND IM FOLDING LAUNDRY OVER HERE”
-“No Gansey I am most certainly not knitting a sweater you can shut your face…………….it’s a scarf”
-“HEY PARRISH GET YOUR ASS UP HERE THE VIEW’S FUCKIN BEAUTIFUL”