piderpal

Chapter 1: Life With The Cockblock King

   Nate clutched his cup of coffee and stared blankly at Jason and Mandy, who were sitting together and talking.

   How cute, he thought to himself, before shaking his head. What am I thinking?! I’m NATE, the ultimate cockblocker of the cockblocking universe!

   “I AM THE COCKBLOCK KING!” he screamed, launching himself at his friends. He fell on Mandy’s lap, writhed, and kicked (accidentally, he SWEARS) Jason in the face.

   “Nate!” Mandy cried.

   “MY FACE!” Jason yelled, clutching his nose. “That’s it, Nate, I’m not buying any more coffee!”

   Shrinking back, Nate stared at Jason, his eyes wide with apprehension and fear. Life… without coffee? Jason was his link between home and the supermarket, since Nate couldn’t go outside himself. Why, you ask? Because it’s indecent to strut around without trousers on, and Nate didn’t like trousers.

   Mandy glanced and Nate and took pity. “That’s cruel, Jason. You can’t take away his coffee.”

   “Yes, I can,” Jason grumbled, dabbing at his nose. “I think I’m bleeding.”

   “He’ll die without it,” Mandy said, and as she spoke, Nate seemed to be withering away before her eyes.

   “You’re too nice, Mandy,” Jason said. “He broke my nose.” Nate hissed at him.

   “It’s how he shows affection,” Mandy said uncertainly. “…Right?”

   Nate climbed onto the sofa and wedged himself between Mandy and Jason so that they would have to talk around him.

   “Wait,” Nate said, voicing a thought. “Isn’t Mandy in Florida right now?”

   “That she is,” Jason agreed. They both looked at Mandy. Mandy looked back at them.

   “Yes?” she said.

   “Aren’t we in Texas?” Nate asked, confused.

   “Aren’t we in California?” Jason asked, more confused.

   “Aren’t we in Florida?” Mandy asked, the most confused, because how can your friends be in Texas, California, and Florida all at the same time? But that doesn’t matter, because the power of the lasers can overcome anything. And that includes spacial dimension problems.

   “I don’t care where we are,” Nate announced. “I want coffee.” He stood up and went to the kitchen to pour himself some more, but when he came back, he saw that Mandy and Jason had moved closer to each other on the sofa to fill the space he’d left.

   “NO!” he shouted. “You’re NOT allowed to sit that close to each other!”

   “But Nate,” Mandy said sweetly in her adorable voice (for, of course, everything about Mandy is adorable). “I bought you coffee ice cream.”

   If Nate were a dog (which he is not, I assure you), his ears would have perked up and his tail (if he had one, which he does not) would have been wagging furiously. He bounded towards the kitchen and presently the sounds of eating and great satisfaction could be heard.

   “Good plan,” Jason said, nodding. Mandy didn’t hear him, though, because she did I mention she was in Florida and Jason was in California? So they met in the middle by flying to Texas, which was where Nate was currently enjoying his ice cream.

   “You cut my vacation short,” Mandy said sadly. She’d been very excited about this vacation – after all, she was going to meet Spiderman. IN PERSON! SPIDERMAN! IN PERSON!!! Are you even understanding how important this was to Mandy? But because it was Jason, she boarded the first plane to Texas and took a cab the rest of the way. “Spiderman was going to hug me and tell me he liked my shirt.”

   “How do you know?” Jason asked.

   “Because I’m piderman,” Mandy sighed.

   “What?” Jason said.

   “YOU TWO BETTER NOT BE DOING ANYTHING STUPID LIKE FALLING IN LOVE,” Nate shouted from the kitchen. “BY THE WAY, THANKS FOR THE ICE CREAM, MANDY!”

   “Well, let’s go watch a movie,” Mandy said. “Jason, you call the babysitter.”

   “What? Why – OH?” Jason pointed in the direction of the kitchen questioningly.

   Nate barreled out of the kitchen, spoon in one hand and empty ice cream carton in the other.

   “YOU CAN’T GO ON A DATE!” he yelled. “AND I AM NOT SIX YEARS OLD, JASON. I DON’T NEED A BABYSITTER.”

   The lasers glanced at each other.

   “Should we take him with us?” Mandy whispered.

   “Look how cute he is when he’s annoyed,” Jason gushed. Nate glared at him and stuck the spoon in his mouth.

   “We’ll take you with us if you put on some pants first,” Mandy said, ignoring Jason.

   Nate let out a sound like a terrified cat. “PANTS?”

   “Yes, pants.”

   “NO!”

   “Alright, then, we’ll be leaving without you.”

   “NO!”

   Just then, a knock came on the front door. Mandy opened the door and a hooded figure burst in, knocking all three of them over.

   “HI NATE JASON FOREVER FRAPPEJASON IS MY OTP K THANK,” the stranger shouted.

   They gaped at the stranger. The stranger beamed at them (the exuberance just shone through, even though they couldn’t see the stranger’s face because of the hood).

   “Who are you?” Jason asked cautiously.

   “FRAPPEJASON, OF COURSE!” the stranger shouted.

   “That’s not even canon,” Jason muttered, which earned him a very painful slap.

   “HOW ABOUT WE COMPROMISE,” a second stranger boomed. “YOU THREE ARE ALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.”

   “Wait–” Mandy protested.

   “Okay!” Jason said, much too eagerly.

   “I want coffee,” Nate said.

   Frappejason looked at the second stranger and attacked. They rolled around on the ground, kicking and punching each other.

   “They’re SO cute,” Nate said. “I ship them so hard.”

   The two hooded figures froze.

   “Just kidding,” Nate said. “It is my moral obligation to cockblock. Keep fighting!”

   And thus, two strangers (and let it be mentioned that their hoods never came off and that Mandy, Jason, and Nate never saw their faces however hard they tried) began their regular visits to the lasers household.