British Memes Gothic
  • There is a Nandos on every street. They are all cheeky. You do not know what makes them cheeky. Each houses a garrison of lads. You do not want to enter, but you cannot resist a cheeky Nandos. The smell of banter and peri peri overwhelms you.
  • A meerkat is trying to sell you insurance. You have forgotten what the insurance is for. All that matters is the comparison. If you are good and do not protest, the meerkat promises, you will get a free meerkat toy.
  • Freddos are too expensive. No-one you know remembers a time when they were the right price. You stare at the sweet shelf, lost in the glamour of the Pick'n'mix and the little chocolate frogs.
  • The DFS sale is now on. It is always now on. Has it ever been off? No matter. It is now on. If you hurry, you can get a year of interest-free payments.
  • Jamie Oliver is on the television. Jamie Oliver is in your school. Jamie Oliver is in your kitchen, cooking an eight-course banquet in 30 minutes. It’s full of big flavours. He always has enough herbs. You do not ask where he gets them from. You can only be thankful it’s Jamie Oliver and not Heston Blumenthal.
  • Everyone watched Dick and Dom when they were a child, no matter their age. Do they age? Where have they gone? What was the nature of their bungalow? Are they of the same deathless kindred as Bruce Forsyth? You suspect Graham Norton may also be involved.
  • There are four candles. Everyone you mention them to thinks you’re talking about utensils.
  • A car races past you. Behind the wheel is a man screaming about POWER. This is the worst day… in the world.
  • When you sleep, you can hear Stephen Fry behind your eyelids, asking you about the significance of the march hare to the Aztecs. You say that they worshipped them. Klaxons blare from all around.

Last-Minute Mothers’ Day Gift Ideas

Mothers often spend too much time on others and never enough on themselves. Mother’s Day is the one day of the year when everyone focuses on them instead, so here is a list of some nice stuff that I think would make great treats for the Mrs in your life. 

If you haven’t been able to find something yet, here are 9 suggestions for you!

  1. Mrs On-The-Go: Chanel Les Beiges Harmonie Poudre Belle Mines No 1 - highlight, bronzer, and coral blush combined. (Above S$50)
  2. Mrs Classy: A tin of Guerlain Meteorite powder is just the thing for her boudoir when she wants to powder her nose with a little something luxe. (Above $50)
  3. Mrs No-Fuss: A nice little box from Crabtree & Evelyn filled with pick'n'mix Bath Gel, 2 x Hand Therapies, and a Body Lotion will allows her a bit of pleasure when she manages to find a quiet moment in the day. And she gets to choose from 4 scent ranges; Rosewater, Lily, Lavender, Wisteria. (Below $50)
  4. Mrs Quiet-Elegance: Any item you pick from Fresh’s Rose series would be a lovely sensorial treat for her skin AND her nose. My recommendation would be the Floral Toner and Face Mask to pamper, tone and refresh her skin. (Ranges from below to above $50)
  5. Mrs Ageless: Being busy and tired often means you need extra help in the skin department. Pick up a 75ml jumbo size Powerful Strength Line-Reducing Concentrate from Kiehl’s this May and let the 10.5% pure Vitamin C formula go to work on her skin tone, texture, radiance, and fine lines while protecting against future damage. And while you’re there, you might want to check out Super Multi-Corrective Cream, which contains jasmonic acid, hyaluronic acid, and beech tree extract to help retexturize, firm, and hydrate the skin at the same time. (Above $50)
  6. Mrs Radiant: VDL Lumilayer Primer is a quick and inexpensive treat to add an instant glow back to the skin when she doesn’t have the time to go for a facial. It feels fresh and works under AND over makeup. (Below $50)
  7. Mrs Yummy Mummy: YSL’s limited edition Rose Baby Doll nail lacquer and lip varnish are a gorgeously intense shade of rose. Not quite red, not quite fuchsia. Just very very chic and pretty. (Below $50 for one, above $50 for both)
  8. Mrs Sweetie-Pie: It doesn’t always take an expensive gift to make her feel happy. Something as simple as Too Faced’s Sweet Hearts blushes will bring a smile to her face simply because they’re so cute. (Below $50)
  9. Mrs Chic: Dior’s silver-quilted Nude Shimmer No 1 Rose compact makes quite the statement when she pulls it out for a mid-day touch-up, and the blush-pink shade looks pretty on most skins. 

“Crying Lightning”

Outside the café by the cracker factory
You were practicing a magic trick
And my thoughts got rude
As you talked and chewed
On the last of your pick'n'mix

Said, “You’re mistaken if you’re thinking that I haven’t been called ‘cold’ before”
As you bit into your strawberry lace
And offered me your attention in the form of a gobstopper
It’s all you had left and it was going to waste

Your pasttimes consisted of the strange
And twisted and deranged
And I loved that little game you had called “Crying Lightning”
And how you like to aggravate the ice-cream man on rainy afternoons

The next time that I caught my own reflection
It was on its way to meet you
Thinking of excuses to postpone
You never looked like yourself from the side
But your profile could not hide
The fact you knew I was approaching your throne

With folded arms you occupied the bench like toothache
Stood and puffed your chest out like you’d never lost a war
And though I tried so not to suffer the indignity of a reaction
There was no cracks to grasp or gaps to claw

And your past times consisted of the strange
And twisted and deranged
And I hate that little game you had called “Crying Lightning”
And how you like to aggravate the icky man on rainy afternoons

But not half as impossible as everyone assumes
You are crying lightning

Your past times consisted of the strange
Twisted and deranged
And I hate that little game you had called “Crying Lightning”
“Crying Lightning”
“Crying Lightning”
“Crying Lightning”

Your past times consisted of the strange,
And twisted and deranged
And I hate that little game you had called “Crying…”