Newsie Band Headcanons

David: 1st chair clarinet. This kid smells like reeds. Instead of chapstick, he carries cork grease in his pockets. He’s so good, he squeaks in tune and is still extremely nervous when playing a solo. He always has perfect posture and don’t even think he doesn’t march perfect eight to five when the marching band season starts.

Jack: The chameleon. He’s that one arrogant trumpet player who sounds good and everyone thinks he practices all the time (which he doesn’t, but he doesn’t tell them that). He’s the one where the band teacher is like “Listen to Jack, you can tell he’s subdividing” and He’s over there like “F*ck no I’m not.” He’s first chair and loves playing the ‘Rocky’ anthem.

Kid Blink: That one saxophone player. You know, the one who takes it upon himself to blast careless whisper in the locker room and learn every sax riff in any pop song today. He’s the one that, in sixth grade, would walk around with his sax around his neck like “Look ma, no hands!”. He constantly makes saxophone puns and is known simply as ‘Sax Dad".

Kath and Sarah: The dynamic flute duo. They are the only two flutes and are basically co-first chair. They always know how to play their parts really well and show off when warming up before class. They are the ones who go up to David when he complains about his high notes like “Hah, try this b*tch.” They get really annoyed when people tell them to play louder and they love when they know they are about to have to play piccallo for a song and no one else is expecting it.

Crutchie: Crutchie is the last one you would expect to play the tuba and that’s why he does. He plays a powerful tuba and is great at carrying the band with his bass notes. He’s also that one kid who likes to shoot stuff out the top of his instrument. He likes to play the ‘oompa’ beats from the veggie tales theme which the other low brass instruments usually join in on. He sometimes likes to get inside the tuba and pretend to be a turtle because he can so why the heck not!?

Mush: He is the one bass clarinet in the entire class. He’s the one who gets excited when he finally has a main part in a song and is always trying to get the director to practice his part in class. He used to be on normal clarinet and always asks to hold David’s and talks about how small and light it is. He’s always saying David is the baby version of him and that’s his son and such. He’s the one who comes in loud and thinks he “Did it wrong” when the band director actually loved it. People always wonder how he plays so loud.

Racetrack: He’s the cool bass player. He’s the one playing “The Rising Sun” in the back of the band room with his shades on indoors while everyone else is setting up. He likes to dance while playing and wears backwards hats or berets while he plays. He goes ham on any bass solo he can get. He calls the bass “his baby” and doesn’t let anyone touch it. He’s the one that leans against the wall with it looking “cool”. Everyone else thinks he just looks dumb.

Spot Conlon: King of Percussion. He plays all the percussion instruments perfectly, but the bass drum is his favorite. He always makes everyone jump when he wails on it like someone just killed his dog. He likes to play amazing drum solos and then walk away like it didn’t happen leaving everyone gaping. Every now and then he’ll treat the band class by starting the cadence from marching band in class or playing “Under the Sea” on the marimba. He twirls his drum sticks and mallets and wouldn’t hesitate to beat someone with the bass drum mallet. It looks fluffy, but he can make it work. He threatens to shove them up people’s butts.

Skittery: He plays the piano. He’s been playing since 2nd grade and is classically trained, but still thinks he sucks. He slams his hands on the piano when he messes up or gets mad so he’ll be playing a pretty tune and then suddenly “WHAM!”. He’s the person to just sit down and do a bunch of runs that sound really complicated but it’s actually nothing. He gets mad when people ask him to play “The Piano Man” or “Chopsticks”. He once left class because his foot slipped off the pedal and messed him up.