Which American Composer should you fight?
John Philip Sousa: Will you win? Probably not. He was in the marines, so he’ll probably kick your ass. But do it. Punch John Philip Sousa in the face. For all of us. I will pay you to fight Sousa.
George Gershwin: You could probably win this fight, but what will it accomplish? Nothing. He’ll just cry and you’ll hate yourself for making him cry.
Leonard Bernstein: Are you kidding? Have you ever watched Lenny conduct? Have you seen his music and time signature changes? He’ll kick your ass.
Aaron Copland: DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT FIGHT AARON COPLAND. HE IS SIX FEET OF PURE, CONCENTRATED ANGER. AARON COPLAND WILL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
John Cage: Fight John Cage. Just do it. You know you want to after that 4'33 bullshit. Use your rage to fuel you and you will win. Just remember: people buy sheet music for 4'33.
John Williams: Don’t fight John Williams. He will crush you with his massive amounts of money. You will die, suffocating under the checks for Hedwig’s Theme and The Imperial March.
Louis Moreau Gottschalk: You will definitely win this fight. No one really knows who he is, but fight him. There is no chance you will lose
Eric Whitacre: ABORT MISSION. I’m like 80% convinced that Eric Whitacre is some sort of God incarnate and you don’t want to incur his wrath.
Charles Ives: Do not fight Charles Ives. He is a precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world. Too pure. Just let him continue writing his weird music. He hurts no one.