phan breaks my heart

Honestly the thing that breaks my heart about that video is that he’s kind of been telling us all along. As someone with clinical depression I know in the past I have joked about some of the symptoms of depression while remaining vague enough to not really raise any alarm. How many times in the past has Dan joked about “haha I’m so miserable all the time” or “haha I kind of hate myself.” He kept the “existential crisis” joke going for so long and laughed off how he would just lie on the floor for hours (which he mentioned as a symptom of his depression might I add). He literally made a video on how to force yourself to get out of bed in the morning. He was hurting for so long and tried to hide it behind humor and it’s honestly so heart wrenching.

I am in such a wierd mood right now. I feel like I should be happy and proud of dan but I’m also thinking about all those times we saw dan smiling in the past, and wondering if that was all just for show, and how we might have never not even known if he didn’t come out and tell us what he was going through. This breaks my heart.

I just realised I spend my time fangirling over two grown-assed men that do not exercise or go outside playing video games and talking shit

What has my life become?

What I am really afraid of is Phil being depressed. I’m scared that Phillip Lester is forcing himself to be happy, because he doesn’t want people to worry about him. I’m worried that he is depressed, and stitches a smile on he doesn’t think of himself as a burden.

I acknowledge that Dan used to be sad, and could be sad now, and I love both of them all the same.

I’m just worried that our sunshine might not be so bright on the inside, and honestly that breaks my heart to even think like that.



these are both phan wallpapers for Samsung Galaxy S4 as requested by slamdunkbed

the story of this was that i was happily making and then when i finished i then remembered that the request for a space theme :O so here is a freebie “food.png” wallpaper as well as the space wallpaper they requested ^_^

save it if you like it; also please don’t remove the caption here or upload this as your own, it will break my heart greatly :(