peter o

  • Sirius: Lily again? Prongs, the universe clearly does not want you and Lily to be together. Don’t piss off the universe. The universe will slap you.
  • James: But don’t you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?
  • Peter: Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together… Whoa. Chills. Anybody else get chills?
  • James: Look, I realize we’ve been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Lily, so… I gotta do this.
  • [Sirius slaps him]
  • James: Ow! What the hell?
  • Sirius: That wasn’t me. That was the universe.
  • James: So, who broke it? I’m not mad, I just want to know.
  • Lily: I did, I broke it-
  • James: No. No, you didn’t. Sirius?
  • Sirius: Don’t look at me. Look at Moony.
  • Remus: What? I didn’t break it.
  • Sirius: Hmm. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?
  • Remus: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.
  • Sirius: Suspicious.
  • Remus: No, it’s not!
  • Peter: If it matters…probably not… Marlene was the last one to use it.
  • Marlene: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap.
  • Peter: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the tea stand at Hogsmeade earlier?
  • Marlene: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Peter!
  • Lily: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, James.
  • James: No. Who broke it?
  • Remus: Prongs, Mary’s been awfully quiet…
  • Mary: Really?!
  • Remus: Yeah, really!
  • [Cut to James in another room, the rest of them fighting in the background]
  • James: I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll betray my best friends to the Dark Lord, and bring about their deaths. So kill me - no, don’t kill me. That’s opposite of the point I’m trying to make.
—  Peter Pettigrew