peter ambrose

People that prefer John over Peter for Lara Jean piss me off so much because like… what the fuck do we know about John?? Only the romanticized version through Lara Jean’s perspective and like…. we dont actually know the guy????? She talked to him like very few times and it was all flirty??? We dont actually know him at all???????? Like n a d a. And peter like my sweet child… we got to actually know him before she fell in love. And she didnt fall in love with the idea. She fell in love with him and all his flaws. LJ doesn’t know John well enough to know his flaws, like for all we know he could even have an aggression problem like wE DONT KNOW. We know Peter though. Peter and LJ got to reallyyyyyyy know each other before falling for the other and became like each others’ best friends and oh my god I love Peter so much how can you stand there and root for John, a complete stranger and say he’s better for her while Peter is there with all his flaws fully willing to give his whole heart and soul to LJ and try to be the man she deserves. Like please this sweet cupcake even said one of his biggest fears was to not be the man she deserves because she deserves the best LIKE DO U SEE HOW MUCH HE CARES AND HOW SWEET GO CHOKE IF U THINK JOHN IS BETTER. JOHN DOESNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW COVEY HE KNOWS LIKE HER COOL™ VERSION NOT THE REAL HER

B Y E

A John Ambrose Mcclaren is an ideal guy, the one you wish you could have. You know how girls imagine that their perfect guy would be sweet, caring, sensitive, and all the other characteristics they shower this imaginary person with. Except, this time, he’s very much real - that’s what a John Ambrose Mcclaren is. The catch is though, he’s not the one you end up with. John Ambrose is the guy equivalent of Robin in How I Met Your Mother a.k.a. “the one we like but can never be with”. He’s not the one you fall in love with because no matter how ideal he is - there is a person out there who is not your ideal person but, is your match.
—  m.c.,
[and sadly, you’re my john ambrose and i don’t know what to do, honestly]
The Bachelorette Week Seven aka Game of Hometowns

Here’s What Happened Monday

  • Hometowns are a special Bachelor tradition wherein the Bachelorette visits her four remaining lovers in the towns they don’t necessarily still live in, care about, or want to remain in after The Bachelor grants them enough fame to finally move to LA. During Hometowns, the Bachelorette will get to meet family members ranging from nervous to disdainful to awkwardly overeager and stage the kinds of deep conversations that normal people don’t just spontaneously have. A beautiful tradition indeed.

Dead Eric’s Hometown – Baltimore, Maryland

  • Anticipating Rachel’s arrival, Dead Eric can’t help but crank some Monster Mash and dance off his excitement. She arrives, and the two hit the court to play some basketball in flowing button downs like a sporty Bachelorette Gap ad. Dead Eric’s living pal Ralph Corinnterupts the game to remind Rachel that Dead Eric has zero romantic capabilities but has always been good at school and smiling. Ralph is very proud of Dead Eric and very supportive of the pairing. Considering his timing, lavish praise, and total avoidance of the topic of death, I do believe Dead Eric hired this man.
  • Later, Dead Eric and Rachel arrive at his house and his entire family screams at once. Ironically, Dead Eric’s family is the most lively bunch of humans on earth. One such lively soul is Dead Eric’s aunt, who is a ray of damn sunshine. She and Rachel discuss Rachel’s role as the first black Bachelorette, and she’s supportive when Rachel says she’s doing her best. Auntie Eric really lights up when the discussion shifts to her nephew experiencing love, and seems to want that for him even though he is dead.
  • Dead Eric tells his family he likes Rachel because she likes church and PG13 movies. He also says that he vowed at an early age to make things different for himself, and will accept love if love is the reward for his struggles. It’s a beautiful sentiment from his warm, still-dead heart. Seizing the right moment, he tells Rachel he loves her.

Bryan’s Hometown – Miami, Florida

  • Rachel thinks that Miami is just like Bryan – sweaty, loud, and a little sleazy. Oh wait no, that’s just me. After a long day playing dominoes with old men and seeing places Pitbull raps about, Bryan sits Rachel down on a bench, talks about his mother, then sticks his entire tongue down Rachel’s throat.
  • Later, they arrive at Bryan’s house and are greeted by his family. Seeing his son with a woman that is not her, Bryan’s mom immediately weeps and downs her wine. If looks could kill, Rachel would disintegrate under mom’s steely glare. Or, since actions can kill, Bryan’s mom decides to tell Rachel directly that she will kill her.
  • After such a warm encounter with his family, Bryan tells Rachel he loves her, and consummates his love with a slobbery make out session.

Peter’s Hometown - Madison, Wisconsin

  • Peter takes Rachel to Madison, Wisconsin and buys her candy from a man in a corncob hat and tries to make her feel comfortable by showing her he has plenty of black friends.
  • Later, when they meet the family, Rachel’s ovaries all but explode seeing Peter play with his niece. His niece’s mother, Peter’s sister, tosses away her mom jeans and dons her sauciest leather jacket, torn black jeans, and a sweating cocktail for her fifteen seconds of fame. She was born to be the sister on Hometowns. Peter’s mother, however, is not as encouraging about their relationship as his sister. She tells Rachel she believes Peter will be ready for commitment, but possibly not marriage. This is blasphemy to Rachel, who drowns her sorrow in Spotted Cow and cheese curds in the limo ride home.

Dean’s Hometown – Aspen, Colorado (I think)

  • Dean laughs through the excruciating experience that is being in the town he hates with the family he hates and the camera crew that, by this point, he hates. He takes Rachel on an ATV ride in the hopes that one or both of them will perish in a fiery crash but neither does, and Dean’s obvious disappointment shows.
  • Dean hasn’t talked to his father in six years, and tries not to vomit on his suede shoes as he approaches his house. It is beyond clear that Dean wants nothing to do with exposing the deeply private past that hides behind that door, but they enter to find Dean’s family, including his father sporting purple robes, purple Crocs, and a Dumbledore beard. All the family members exchange hugs before Dean’s father invites the group to lay on the floor while he performs a gong song. Listening to the gong, Dean remembers watching a prison show where an inmate tries to bite his own tongue off and bleed to death, and thinks that would be nice right about now.
  • Later, when Dean and his father speak privately, Dean accuses him for abandoning him emotionally after the death of his mother. Dean’s father admits that, yes, he wasn’t there for Dean, and although this was Dean’s entire point, Dean is somehow still dissatisfied with the conversation.  Rachel attempts to speak with Dean’s father too, who decides he wants nothing more to do with this day or the weirdness of this camera crew invading his simple, private life. Defeated, she goes inside and makes out with Dean, who, in the midst of an emotional meltdown on his father’s floor mats, tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her.

The Rose Ceremony

  • Before the ceremony, Rachel debriefs on her feelings with Chris Harrison. As tears well in her eyes, Chris Harrison offers her his pocket square. Rachel wipes her eyes, leaving behind a sleek green eyeshadow shimmer on the hanky, which Chris Harrison proudly replaces it on his chest, relishing its new flair. He tells Rachel he’s not envious of the tough decisions she has to make tonight, but we all know that he deeply is.
  • Rachel gathers her last four boyfriends to tell them she’s feeling feelings of love, but that she must say goodbye to one of them. She wastes no time. The first rose goes to Bryan, smug bastard. The second goes to Dead Eric. Chris Harrison pops up out of nowhere and points at the final rose to indicate that, obviously, it’s the final rose. Rachel gives the last rose to Peter, meaning that Dean went through the torture of exposing his terrible family life for nothing. Dean, who is fantastic at not crying, does not cry, and that is the end of Dean.

Miscellaneous

  • We leave this sad episode with a flashback to Bryan’s parent’s bashing his stupid haircut, and that helps a bit.
  • The Weirdest Nickname Award goes to Rachel who calls Dean her “beautiful surprise,” a term generally only used by the parents of accident babies.
  • Next week we’re down to our final three: Peter, Bryan, and Dead Eric. This is about to be emotionally S’painful. Get it? They’re going to Spain.
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Renee Young Karaoke…

The Bachelorette Week Eight aka Emotions Are Such a Spain

Here’s What Happened Monday

  • Welcome to Dallas! This place is sweaty and will make you fat in a heartbeat, but there is just nothing that Rachel isn’t loving these days. She’s in her hometown and is ready to show off her boyfriends to her mom and her pregnant sister, who, if you remember from last season, are amazing television.

Peter’s Family Time

  • Rachel wants to give Peter the time and respectful distance to figure out his feelings, but she also feels the need to subliminally pressure cook those feelings so she takes him baby clothes shopping. Subtle as a flying brick, our Rachel.
  • After baby time, but before entering some absurdly gorgeous Dallas mansion, Peter tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. It was the emotional bolster she needed, and they enter to meet Rachel’s family: her ball-busting superhero mother, her no-nonsense and very pregnant sister Constance, her overly-defensive-about-being-white brother-in-law Alex, and some others. Notably absent (again) is her federal judge father, who (again) will not be caught dead on The Bachelor (duh).
  • Peter tells the family that he told Rachel all along he wouldn’t say he loved her until he truly did. Her sister nods like it’s the most sensible thing she’s ever heard. In private, Constance tells Rachel, “We remember Nick. Don’t be a ding dong.”
  • Peter tells Mama Lindsay he doesn’t know if he can be ready for love in two weeks because reality and also that he won’t ask for permission to marry Rachel until he is certain. Their conversation makes a lot of sense, which is jarring for The Bachelor.

Dead Eric’s Family Time

  • To fuel his already suffocating anxiety over the day ahead, Rachel takes Dead Eric up a high tower overlooking Dallas. He shakes in fear remembering the last time he fell to his death and demands a safety hug. Later, in this same tower of nerves, the two share champagne, Dead Eric expresses his jitters, and I wonder out loud to no one in particular how the hell he’s made it this far.
  • Rachel and Dead Eric show up to meet Rachel’s family. Her sister greets them in a large white tunic with a giant bedazzled necktie-collar thing looking like the pregnant Easter Bunny. She takes Dead Eric outside to grill him on his general existence. Later he meets Mama Lindsay and his flattery levels reach Defcon 1. (“I love your marriage, where did you get it?”) Mama Linds listens to all his clichéd nonsense about love and strength and lovestrength with a straight face, but for whatever reason accepts when he asks for her permission to marry her living daughter.

Bryan’s Family Time

  • Rachel and Bryan and Bryan’s stupid elf face take off to brunch it up with Rachel’s girlfriends. These are the girls who signed Rachel up for The Bachelor, so we immediately know that these are the type of girls who sign people up for The Bachelor. They are blonde, they are Texan, they are armed with mimosas, and they are ready to be obsessed with Bryan. Bryan flashes a bit of his smarm, and oh, they take it.  
  • Upon meeting the family, Bryan tells them he loves no woman more than his mother and just wants to love the same woman over and over and over and he never makes it clear whether he’s still talking about his mother or Rachel. It’s weird for everyone. At dinner, he gushes that he felt Rachel was his girlfriend on the first day, which pregnant Constance is not buying. The Lindsay family sass is out in force against Bryan and Rachel is deeply displeased that they are not charmed by him. Perhaps she forgets that they have never experienced his slobbery make outs, and thus don’t understand her reasons for liking him.
  • Constance pulls Bryan aside and tells him he’s full of shit if he thinks he really loved Rachel after two weeks. He responds with “Well I love you too,” and she’s like, “It’s been ten minutes, creep.”
  • Rachel tells her mom she loves Bryan and Mama Lindsay tells her love is impossible in two months. Burn. She still gives Bryan her permission to marry Rachel though because up is down and left is right and this is Trump’s America.

Dead Eric’s Spain Time

  • Rachel arrives in Spain with one modest carry-on and, no doubt, eight men the size of The Mountain carrying in the rest of her bags. She is down to her final three, which, if you follow The Bachelor/ette, you know that means this is the episode where she gets to make sweet, sweet love to all the boys in the Fantasy Suite.
  • Her first date is with Dead Eric, who, despite knowing his fear of heights, traps him in a helicopter. He soldiers through, shouting things at random intervals. They discuss their emotions, make wishes at an ancient monastery, then make out a lot.  
  • Later, at dinner, Dead Eric struggles to respond to Rachel’s questions about real-person feelings but finally pulls out the L-word from his big dead heart. She hands him the note from Chris Harrison inviting him to join Rachel for a night of hanky necropanky, and he accepts.
  • The next day, wearing nothing but shorts and slippers, Dead Eric says, “I’m ready for life to happen to me,” and I laugh out loud.

Peter’s Spain Time

  • Rachel and Peter explore a dank wine cellar with an old man who sings at them in a foreign language then gives them a key to their own private wine cellar slash crypt. Somewhere, Dead Eric curses Rachel for not giving him the crypt date.
  • A few glasses deep, Peter admits he didn’t ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry her yet. Rachel’s disappointment is momentarily diverted, however, when she just so happens to spot a child (subtle, Rach) who lures them into a bucket of stomping grapes. They just stomp, stomp, stomp, and it’s a romantic moment I’m sure, but I can only think of this.
  • Peter asks Rachel to commemorate the day by writing something on a wine cork, and she quips that he’ll finally get to see how bad her handwriting is. Peter doesn’t even know what her handwriting looks like, but somehow Rachel feels like it’s high time to get engaged. This disagreement over engagement, however, leaves us with a cliffhanger: is this a difference they can resolve? Probably not, because up is down and left is right and this is Trump’s America.

Miscellaneous

  • I will never understand why Chris Harrison is the one who invites the couples to bang.
  • These people are going to have such unrealistic expectations of traveling Europe for the rest of their lives. My roommate Babs once said, “if you’re not lost and smelly and afraid for your life ninety-nine percent of the time, you’re not doing abroad right.” Bachelorette vacations are that one percent.
  • Let me just say: if Peter gets sent home because he doesn’t believe in contractually-bound love timelines, it is going to be HILARIOUS when they announce he’s the next Bachelor.