People that prefer John over Peter for Lara Jean piss me off so much because like… what the fuck do we know about John?? Only the romanticized version through Lara Jean’s perspective and like…. we dont actually know the guy????? She talked to him like very few times and it was all flirty??? We dont actually know him at all???????? Like n a d a. And peter like my sweet child… we got to actually know him before she fell in love. And she didnt fall in love with the idea. She fell in love with him and all his flaws. LJ doesn’t know John well enough to know his flaws, like for all we know he could even have an aggression problem like wE DONT KNOW. We know Peter though. Peter and LJ got to reallyyyyyyy know each other before falling for the other and became like each others’ best friends and oh my god I love Peter so much how can you stand there and root for John, a complete stranger and say he’s better for her while Peter is there with all his flaws fully willing to give his whole heart and soul to LJ and try to be the man she deserves. Like please this sweet cupcake even said one of his biggest fears was to not be the man she deserves because she deserves the best LIKE DO U SEE HOW MUCH HE CARES AND HOW SWEET GO CHOKE IF U THINK JOHN IS BETTER. JOHN DOESNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW COVEY HE KNOWS LIKE HER COOL™ VERSION NOT THE REAL HER
A John Ambrose Mcclaren is an ideal guy, the one you wish you could have. You know how girls imagine that their perfect guy would be sweet, caring, sensitive, and all the other characteristics they shower this imaginary person with. Except, this time, he’s very much real - that’s what a John Ambrose Mcclaren is. The catch is though, he’s not the one you end up with. John Ambrose is the guy equivalent of Robin in How I Met Your Mother a.k.a. “the one we like but can never be with”. He’s not the one you fall in love with because no matter how ideal he is - there is a person out there who is not your ideal person but, is your match.
[and sadly, you’re my john ambrose and i don’t know what to do, honestly]
Hometowns are a special Bachelor
tradition wherein the Bachelorette visits her four remaining lovers in the
towns they don’t necessarily still live in, care about, or want to remain in after
The Bachelor grants them enough fame to finally move to LA. During Hometowns,
the Bachelorette will get to meet family members ranging from nervous to
disdainful to awkwardly overeager and stage the kinds of deep conversations
that normal people don’t just spontaneously have. A beautiful tradition indeed.
Dead Eric’s Hometown – Baltimore, Maryland
Anticipating Rachel’s arrival, Dead
Eric can’t help but crank some Monster Mash and dance off his excitement. She
arrives, and the two hit the court to play some basketball in flowing button
downs like a sporty Bachelorette Gap ad. Dead Eric’s living pal Ralph Corinnterupts
the game to remind Rachel that Dead Eric has zero romantic capabilities but has
always been good at school and smiling. Ralph is very proud of Dead Eric and
very supportive of the pairing. Considering his timing, lavish praise, and
total avoidance of the topic of death, I do believe Dead Eric hired this man.
Later, Dead Eric and Rachel arrive
at his house and his entire family screams at once. Ironically, Dead Eric’s
family is the most lively bunch of humans on earth. One such lively soul is Dead
Eric’s aunt, who is a ray of damn sunshine. She and Rachel discuss Rachel’s
role as the first black Bachelorette, and she’s supportive when Rachel says she’s
doing her best. Auntie Eric really lights up when the discussion shifts to her nephew
experiencing love, and seems to want that for him even though he is dead.
Dead Eric tells his family he likes
Rachel because she likes church and PG13 movies. He also says that he vowed at
an early age to make things different for himself, and will accept love if love
is the reward for his struggles. It’s a beautiful sentiment from his warm, still-dead
heart. Seizing the right moment, he tells Rachel he loves her.
Bryan’s Hometown – Miami, Florida
Rachel thinks that Miami is just
like Bryan – sweaty, loud, and a little sleazy. Oh wait no, that’s just me.
After a long day playing dominoes with old men and seeing places Pitbull raps
about, Bryan sits Rachel down on a bench, talks about his mother, then sticks
his entire tongue down Rachel’s throat.
Later, they arrive at Bryan’s house
and are greeted by his family. Seeing his son with a woman that is not her,
Bryan’s mom immediately weeps and downs her wine. If looks could kill, Rachel
would disintegrate under mom’s steely glare. Or, since actions can kill, Bryan’s mom decides to tell Rachel
directly that she will kill her.
After such a warm encounter with
his family, Bryan tells Rachel he loves her, and consummates his love with a slobbery
make out session.
Peter’s Hometown - Madison, Wisconsin
Peter takes Rachel to Madison,
Wisconsin and buys her candy from a man in a corncob hat and tries to make her
feel comfortable by showing her he has plenty of black friends.
Later, when they meet the family,
Rachel’s ovaries all but explode seeing Peter play with his niece. His niece’s mother,
Peter’s sister, tosses away her mom jeans and dons her sauciest leather jacket,
torn black jeans, and a sweating cocktail for her fifteen seconds of fame. She
was born to be the sister on Hometowns. Peter’s mother, however, is not as
encouraging about their relationship as his sister. She tells Rachel she
believes Peter will be ready for commitment, but possibly not marriage. This is
blasphemy to Rachel, who drowns her sorrow in Spotted Cow and cheese curds in
the limo ride home.
Dean’s Hometown – Aspen, Colorado (I think)
Dean laughs through the
excruciating experience that is being in the town he hates with the family he
hates and the camera crew that, by this point, he hates. He takes Rachel on an
ATV ride in the hopes that one or both of them will perish in a fiery crash but
neither does, and Dean’s obvious disappointment shows.
Dean hasn’t talked to his father in
six years, and tries not to vomit on his suede shoes as he approaches his house. It is beyond clear that Dean wants nothing to do with exposing the deeply private past that hides behind that door, but they enter to find Dean’s family, including his father sporting purple robes,
purple Crocs, and a Dumbledore beard. All the family members exchange hugs
before Dean’s father invites the group to lay on the floor while he performs a
gong song. Listening to the gong, Dean remembers watching a prison show where
an inmate tries to bite his own tongue off and bleed to death, and thinks that
would be nice right about now.
Later, when Dean and his father
speak privately, Dean accuses him for abandoning him emotionally after the
death of his mother. Dean’s father admits that, yes, he wasn’t there for Dean,
and although this was Dean’s entire point, Dean is somehow still dissatisfied
with the conversation. Rachel attempts
to speak with Dean’s father too, who decides he wants nothing more to do with
this day or the weirdness of this camera crew invading his simple, private
life. Defeated, she goes inside and makes out with Dean, who, in the midst of
an emotional meltdown on his father’s floor mats, tells Rachel he’s falling in
love with her.
The Rose Ceremony
Before the ceremony, Rachel
debriefs on her feelings with Chris Harrison. As tears well in her eyes, Chris
Harrison offers her his pocket square. Rachel wipes her eyes, leaving behind a
sleek green eyeshadow shimmer on the hanky, which Chris Harrison proudly
replaces it on his chest, relishing its new flair. He tells Rachel he’s not
envious of the tough decisions she has to make tonight, but we all know that he
Rachel gathers her last four
boyfriends to tell them she’s feeling feelings of love, but that she must say
goodbye to one of them. She wastes no time. The first rose goes to Bryan, smug
bastard. The second goes to Dead Eric. Chris Harrison pops up out of nowhere
and points at the final rose to indicate that, obviously, it’s the final rose.
Rachel gives the last rose to Peter, meaning that Dean went through the torture
of exposing his terrible family life for nothing. Dean, who is fantastic at not
crying, does not cry, and that is the end of Dean.
We leave this sad episode with a
flashback to Bryan’s parent’s bashing his stupid haircut, and that helps a bit.
The Weirdest Nickname Award goes to
Rachel who calls Dean her “beautiful surprise,” a term generally only used by
the parents of accident babies.
Next week we’re down to our final
three: Peter, Bryan, and Dead Eric. This is about to be emotionally S’painful.
Get it? They’re going to Spain.
The Bachelorette Week Eight aka Emotions Are Such a Spain
Here’s What Happened Monday
Welcome to Dallas! This place is
sweaty and will make you fat in a heartbeat, but there is just nothing that Rachel
isn’t loving these days. She’s in her hometown and is ready to show off her
boyfriends to her mom and her pregnant sister, who, if you remember from last
season, are amazing television.
Peter’s Family Time
Rachel wants to give Peter the time
and respectful distance to figure out his feelings, but she also feels the need
to subliminally pressure cook those feelings so she takes him baby clothes
shopping. Subtle as a flying brick, our Rachel.
After baby time, but before
entering some absurdly gorgeous Dallas mansion, Peter tells Rachel he’s falling
in love with her. It was the emotional bolster she needed, and they enter to meet
Rachel’s family: her ball-busting superhero mother, her no-nonsense and very pregnant
sister Constance, her overly-defensive-about-being-white brother-in-law Alex,
and some others. Notably absent (again) is her federal judge father, who
(again) will not be caught dead on The Bachelor (duh).
Peter tells the family that he
told Rachel all along he wouldn’t say he loved her until he truly did. Her
sister nods like it’s the most sensible thing she’s ever heard. In private,
Constance tells Rachel, “We remember Nick. Don’t be a ding dong.”
Peter tells Mama Lindsay he doesn’t
know if he can be ready for love in two weeks because reality and also that he
won’t ask for permission to marry Rachel until he is certain. Their
conversation makes a lot of sense, which is jarring for The Bachelor.
Dead Eric’s Family Time
To fuel his already suffocating
anxiety over the day ahead, Rachel takes Dead Eric up a high tower overlooking
Dallas. He shakes in fear remembering the last time he fell to his death and
demands a safety hug. Later, in this same tower of nerves, the two share
champagne, Dead Eric expresses his jitters, and I wonder out loud to no one in
particular how the hell he’s made it this far.
Rachel and Dead Eric show up to meet
Rachel’s family. Her sister greets them in a large white tunic with a giant bedazzled
necktie-collar thing looking like the pregnant Easter Bunny. She takes Dead
Eric outside to grill him on his general existence. Later he meets Mama Lindsay
and his flattery levels reach Defcon 1. (“I love your marriage, where did you
get it?”) Mama Linds listens to all his clichéd nonsense about love and
strength and lovestrength with a straight face, but for whatever reason accepts
when he asks for her permission to marry her living daughter.
Bryan’s Family Time
Rachel and Bryan and Bryan’s
stupid elf face take off to brunch it up with Rachel’s girlfriends. These are
the girls who signed Rachel up for The Bachelor, so we immediately know that these are the type of girls who sign people up for The Bachelor. They are
blonde, they are Texan, they are armed with mimosas, and they are ready to be
obsessed with Bryan. Bryan flashes a bit of his smarm, and oh, they take it.
Upon meeting the family, Bryan
tells them he loves no woman more than his mother and just wants to love the
same woman over and over and over and he never makes it clear whether he’s
still talking about his mother or Rachel. It’s weird for everyone. At dinner,
he gushes that he felt Rachel was his girlfriend on the first day, which pregnant
Constance is not buying. The Lindsay family sass is out in force against Bryan
and Rachel is deeply displeased that they are not charmed by him. Perhaps she
forgets that they have never experienced his slobbery make outs, and thus don’t
understand her reasons for liking him.
Constance pulls Bryan aside and
tells him he’s full of shit if he thinks he really loved Rachel after two
weeks. He responds with “Well I love you too,” and she’s like, “It’s been ten
Rachel tells her mom she loves
Bryan and Mama Lindsay tells her love is impossible in two months. Burn. She
still gives Bryan her permission to marry Rachel though because up is down and
left is right and this is Trump’s America.
Dead Eric’s Spain Time
Rachel arrives in Spain with one
modest carry-on and, no doubt, eight men the size of The Mountain carrying in
the rest of her bags. She is down to her final three, which, if you follow The
Bachelor/ette, you know that means this is the episode where she gets to make
sweet, sweet love to all the boys in the Fantasy Suite.
Her first date is with Dead Eric,
who, despite knowing his fear of heights, traps him in a helicopter. He
soldiers through, shouting things at random intervals. They discuss their
emotions, make wishes at an ancient monastery, then make out a lot.
Later, at dinner, Dead Eric
struggles to respond to Rachel’s questions about real-person feelings but
finally pulls out the L-word from his big dead heart. She hands him the note
from Chris Harrison inviting him to join Rachel for a night of hanky necropanky,
and he accepts.
The next day, wearing nothing but shorts
and slippers, Dead Eric says, “I’m ready for life to happen to me,” and I laugh
Peter’s Spain Time
Rachel and Peter explore a dank
wine cellar with an old man who sings at them in a foreign language then gives
them a key to their own private wine cellar slash crypt. Somewhere, Dead Eric
curses Rachel for not giving him the crypt date.
A few glasses deep, Peter admits
he didn’t ask Rachel’s mom for her permission to marry her yet. Rachel’s
disappointment is momentarily diverted, however, when she just so happens to spot
a child (subtle, Rach) who lures them into a bucket of stomping grapes. They
just stomp, stomp, stomp, and it’s a romantic moment I’m sure, but I can only
think of this.
Peter asks Rachel to commemorate
the day by writing something on a wine cork, and she quips that he’ll finally
get to see how bad her handwriting is. Peter doesn’t even know what her
handwriting looks like, but somehow Rachel feels like it’s high time to get
engaged. This disagreement over engagement, however, leaves us with a
cliffhanger: is this a difference they can resolve? Probably not, because up is
down and left is right and this is Trump’s America.
I will never understand why Chris
Harrison is the one who invites the couples to bang.
These people are going to have
such unrealistic expectations of traveling Europe for the rest of their lives. My
roommate Babs once said, “if you’re not lost and smelly and afraid for your
life ninety-nine percent of the time, you’re not doing abroad right.”
Bachelorette vacations are that one percent.
Let me just say: if Peter gets
sent home because he doesn’t believe in contractually-bound love timelines, it
is going to be HILARIOUS when they announce he’s the next Bachelor.