pet missing

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Chestfeeding…A Journey…

I knew long before I got pregnant with Lu that if I ever had one, I wanted to nurse my child, even as a teenager when I still had breasts (the primary source of my dysphoria at the time) it was something I thought about, but of course it was never of major importance. And now I have a precious little girl…seven years after top surgery, and I’m nursing/chestfeeding her. Let me tell you, it is hell some days as I don’t want to be bothered with the task, particularly when we are in public…but overall, I wouldn’t give up this experience for the world.

–Some background here, yes, I lactate, that is possible since it seems to confuse many people. Chestfeeding is a gender neutral term, same thing as breastfeeding & nursing.–

I’ve taken to logging and tracking Lu’s feedings since I started chestfeeding her. Things such as, is she having trouble latching, how long did she feed for, is my supply low, and if it’s hurting me on a scale of one to ten (the days directly after birth were off of that scale, I’m happy to report nothing past a 5 has been logged this month). It’s been such a helpful tool for me to normalize chestfeeding being a part of everyday life, despite the sometimes exceedingly uncomfortable circumstances like the flight to  Disney where I had no bottles on me… but it’s otherwise been an amazing experience of bonding with Lu and embracing my postpartum body more and more each day. I’ve mentioned it once or twice that Lu is a rainbow baby, after my miscarriage I became a bit of a gym rat and worked out probably to the point where it was unhealthy, but at the time after losing Sprout I just felt like my body was useless, especially with the added weight. Working out was my way of adding value to myself and probably compensating for the baby that I never got to meet in some sense. However, now I’m able to see my body as valuable and of importance, extra weight and all (no matter how much I miss my six pack). And I truly have Lu and chestfeeding to thank for that, everyday I am able to provide for Lu in a way that no one else can. And while I don’t have a full supply for her it is still something I’d choose to do again in a heartbeat. The frustration of this factor still doesn’t detract from the intimate moments of nursing with Lu as I’m lucky to even have the opportunity.

I’m still on this journey, not sure how long I want to chestfeed for, unsure of how long I can even keep it up before Lu doesn’t need me anymore…but I am reveling in the priceless moments I get to spend with my daughter while chestfeeding where only she and I matter in that time & space.

Much Love-

Originally posted by cashtonisland

My life has been a mess lately and I know I’ve been posting super sporadically, but I really miss talking to my followers and I’m having a quiet Sunday in today. Send me questions about any of my stanchez aus! I’m an encyclopedia of headcanons at your disposal eager to write &/or draw things in response.

DM: The wolf is running toward (warlock). It’s probably going to reach him and attack him on its round. Varis, it’s your turn
me: i intercept the wolf. im gonna pet it
group: what
me: yep! i cast inflict wounds on it, which is touch-range
me: … i rolled a 1
DM: You literally just reach out and pet the wolf.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.