persons hand

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Pride and Prejudice (1995) - Favourite Scenes

“In declaring myself thus, I am fully aware that I will be going expressly against the wishes of family, my friends, and I hardly need add, my own better judgement.”

v2

navigating a life filled with others can be difficult. conflict resolution over my hurt feelings went well despite my immediate emotional response, which was not to bother with resolution. i corrected the response. i suppose that is it though. others will not know how you feel unless you tell them how you feel. others will not know what you need or want unless you are able to articulate it to them. + by doing so, we can engage in a circle of mutual respect with partners who are receptive. each relationship has its social contract. + sometimes we are not aware of the social contract. there is one where i am still unclear on the social contract. how do i behave. what do i say. when do i speak to this person. how much do i speak to them. do they want me to speak to them at all. i am unclear about everything to do with it. is it welcome or is it unwelcome. + it is my care for the other that means i do not want to do what would be unwelcome or upsetting or bothersome. i would like to communicate respect + i would like to ask but then even that might be the truly unwelcome aspect as they are avoidant through + through + thus everything that is unclear to me may be just as unclear to themselves. they may flip back + forth between wanting me in their life in some capacity to not wanting me in it at all. it is hard to navigate that. + so i’ve left them alone on the weekends + in the evenings on the assumption that it is their time to themselves or their time to give to people they might be dating or getting to know or making new friendships with. “that space is a space i am not allowed in”. + it is difficult to navigate. i might want to show them something or say something + they may be in the mind-frame that it is better to not speak to me at all for this reason or that reason that they never broach with me to have myself clarified to them by the only person who could do it (myself). + then i’ve made a misstep for reaching out (which no one wants to make). or i may not say anything to them for days + they could assume i am showing upset through silence when i am attempting to show a respect for space + processing. they may try to figure out how i am feeling or thinking, preempt me, by reading writing that is magnified for the reader + my own delight in writing the hard-hitting + thus it is not always or even often an entirely accurate telling of myself + my state of being (or where i stand in relation to them). this is where it becomes near impossible to foster or maintain or build a relationship of any kind. i cannot read a mind. + i am ever careful to not cause a retreat reaction by saying: hello, did you want to be friends or, well, what did you want? how are you feeling right now? is there anything i might be able to do to help you understand anything that might confuse you or worry you? any answer would be fine + respected because i have no expectation + didn’t expect us to speak ever again in the first place. but that is it, isn’t it. that i cannot even ask such a question or questions because it has been clearly defined that they won’t be engaged with. so i fiddle about + shrug my shoulders. i try. i suppose. it’s really the best i can muster. i could feel quite sad or spurned or rejected or something. but that’s the part i’ve learned. i can’t control anyone but myself. i value them as a person a great deal. but i can’t bend backward to secure any call’s reception. c'est la vie +  vive et alteros vivere permitte after all. 

I feel like I haven’t been here in years. But there’s a reason for that–I’m compositing! I’m officially done producing animation and backgrounds for Act 01 so now there’s nothing to draw or animate till I take a good look at my first crack at the edit. It’s a slog though. There are so many moving parts. And I already see a lot of places that need some tlc and revisions. Nothing major though. Just lots of small things.

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Not getting enough sleep?