personallife

Have you ever feel like that? Like you’re just a piece of shit lying around being useless? Because thats exactly what i feel right now. I feel worthless, useless and a waste of space. Im not sad but im not happy either. Its like, i feel everything and feel nothing all at the same time. I think im thisclose to depression. Sometimes i just wanna fall into really really deep slumber with no dreams and wake up after 2000 years or never wake up at all. And please dont get me wrong. Im not suicidal or something. I just want to dissapear into nothingness. I just wanna die. But i dont want my family to suffer until my last breathe because theyd probably freak out about the expences on my funeral and i dont want that. I want to run away where i dont have to be a burden for anyone anymore. But i dont want to run away either because im sure as hell that theyd look for me. I dont want them to bother looking for me. I want them to just move on and forget that i was once the youngest sibling, that i was once part of something, of this family. And now im just nothing. I know that if i ever disapeared, no one’s going to text something nice to my phone number though they know that i wont be able to read it or write how much they had missed me on my facebook wall because i have literally no friends at all.

Nahuli mo na bang tinitignan ka ng parents mo tapos makikita mo sa mata nila na tinatanong nila yung sarili nila kung sa anong part ng pagpapalaki nila sayo sila nagkamali? Na tipong puro disapointments lang nakikita nila pag tumitingin sila sayo? Pero ang masakit dun hindi nila sinasabi sayo. Mapapansin mo lang na parang ang distant na ng pagtrato nila sayo. Na kakausapin ka lang pag may sasabihin. Na pag iba yung kausap nila okay naman pero pagdating sayo ang init ng ulo. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko din naman sila masisisi. Totoo naman e. Ano ba sa mga ginawa ko ang dapat nilang ikaproud? Yung hindi ko pagtulog sa bahay namin gabi gabi? Pagweweeds? Pag iinom? Yung pagsayang ko ng 25 thousand sa San Lo? Yung pagkaunemployed ko? Ang hirap pala ng pakiramdam na isa ka lang walking talking piece of shit no? Dati pag nakakakita ako ng posts dito tungkol sa depression naiisip ko, ‘ano bang hindi masaya sa buhay?’ Ngayon mukang alam ko na yung sagot, lahat. Wag nyo sanang mamisunderstood. Mabait parents ko. Super. Masaya sa pamilya namin. Ako lang talaga yung problema. Ewan ko din kung anong nangyare sakin. Pakiramdam ko tinatamad na kong mag exist. Feeling ko ang tanging goal ko lang sa mundo ay makasurvive araw araw. Okay. Wala na kong masabi. Kung binasa mo hanggang dito, salamat! Salamat talaga :)