If I could, I would write him a letter. I’d write to him something that would let me tell him how sorry I am for what I did to him, but mostly for what I did to us. I’d tell him that there was never a moment when he wasn’t enough for me, and that he shouldn’t ever let himself think so. I’d tell him that he never failed me, and that instead I failed him. Over and over again. I’d tell him that he shouldn’t have been charged with the weight of two people when he was already so much in one person, and that I truly wouldn’t mind if there were times when he just genuinely hated me. I’d have hated me too. As a matter fact, I really do hate the person I was. I hate how little control I had over myself. I hate how little control I have over myself, right now in this moment and at this time. I hate that I lost him, and I’d tell him that I’ve hated every single day since the moment when I realized that he and I would never be the same ever again. Because I lost something that meant more to me than I’ve been aware of. And even though we can sit beside each other without being as awkward as we used to be, I miss knowing the things that went on in his head. I miss knowing him. But maybe I needed this, you know? Maybe I needed to face all of this so that I could come out a new person. Maybe there will come a day in the future when I can be the person that he makes me want to be. And maybe that’ll be with him. But still…maybe not.